posted on Jan, 22 2016 @ 01:37 AM
Sometimes (when I am thinking too much), I surmise that all of our coping mechanisms, no matter how perfectly effective when needed, eventually become
more a problem at a later point.
Like I have seen some people who use this technique who later end up having a problem with becoming out of touch with their realistic impact and
influence upon the world and others around them. Sometimes it is helpful to us to hear even negative feedback.
Like so many people I had a childhood that was difficult in this respect- my parents did not want me nor my sister, and we went from being abused when
very little, to our parents fighting over us when they divorced (fighting over who had to take us). My mother tried extortion to get my dad to take us
and it didn't work, so she was very bitter until I was 18, and was very hostile towards us for ruining her life (when she wanted to be "free").
Despite all that, I just don't feel sure that I developed a really low self image or esteem. Because very early on, I saw my mother and father as
suffering- as having problems originating in their past and sources beyond myself. I felt compassion and sympathy for them. Every beating or insult
was just further evidence of their suffering- it was not really "about me".
I didn't look to them to find out the truth about who I am, but rather the truth about who they are- which was something deeper then appearences.
Now, I think that sounds incredibly effective, as a coping mechanism- except I see now that I am having a real struggle with learning to reject
people, even when I should. There are times one should be able to sort of judge who is beneficial and who is detrimental to your life and cut out the
ones that are deterimental. But I can't seem to do that!
I'm always looking at that "deeper" part and feeling compassion, when sometimes it just isn't appropriate. A stranger that walks on you and treats you
crappy- you don't need to see their individual inner struggles and be understanding about that.
Even if they have them, even if they are just as valuable a person as anyone else, that is not your problem to deal with.
I'm actively trying to come up with exercises to help me simply make black and white decisions at times- to say "I don't like that person, period."
with no excuses or explanations for their behavior. But I find it very challenging. Even people who treat me really badly, and who show very nasty
behaviors, I will still see some characteristic I like and that makes me smile! I haven't met ANYONE I can say has no positive characteristics about
I am afraid this is a problem that some people with narcissistic parents develop- and how they end up being involved with narcissistic people over and
over in life- because they are always being understanding and forgiving of nastiness.
The big challenge in life is getting over the methods that worked for you once and are no longer necessary....