At least I have myself

Hello fellows ATS members, I hope you are for the most part in a place where you are happy or at least content.

I've decided to keep this somewhat of a short topic because I don't want to drag too many depressing issues in here.

The point I am trying to make with my thread is, positive reinforcement works.

Now when I say that, I obviously do not mean that saying a positive affirmation will miraculously make your life better, but it should give you some piece of mind.

Here's an example from my own life; As a child, and through the subsequent years of my life, I was often the target of bullying.

This bullying took many forms by many different people, including a lot of family members. Typical insults would be along the lines of "your too stupid to amount to anything" or "you're too fat & ugly so no one will ever want to be with you".

When I see some of you out there posting about your issues, well you are not alone in your problems.

The thing we all have in common is we all have problems but rarely do we have positive or functional solutions.

I often remind myself that no one can defeat my own ambitions but me. the positive affirmations are what remind me of who I really am, despite what anyone else may say/think.

It can be any phrase or word that reminds you of why you are unique, and why you should want to remain that way instead of wanting to die or become someone else.

Which method of dealing with life's problems works for you ATS ?

I'm glad you have found that others are not right about you. I find that the stupidest people are those who call others stupid. Knowledge and wisdom are not the same thing. We are all in this world together. People who think someone will never amount to anything should examine their life. What is really amounting to anything, is it just that you have a prestigiious job or you have a nice shiny new car that you are worried will get a scratch in it.

The best job I ever had was pumping gas in a Holiday gas station. I got off of work feeling great, exercise I got paid to do and I was not mentally wore out or stressed from my job. It all went downhill after that, the pay got better, the expectations of successfulness tied to what you own got worse, and I actually had less money in my pocket that was really mine even though I was making much more. So I got dumber as I got older. I got bsed into believing you had to look like you succeeded to succeed. It is just a way of stimulating the economy, of keeping all people poor. Finally we have no bills and I don't ever want a newer car again. I like the old cars, not all fixed up, ones I don't worry about scratching. If the grandchildren write on the wall, who cares. If they puke in the car who cares. Material things are so immaterial.

Sometimes (when I am thinking too much), I surmise that all of our coping mechanisms, no matter how perfectly effective when needed, eventually become more a problem at a later point.

Like I have seen some people who use this technique who later end up having a problem with becoming out of touch with their realistic impact and influence upon the world and others around them. Sometimes it is helpful to us to hear even negative feedback.

Like so many people I had a childhood that was difficult in this respect- my parents did not want me nor my sister, and we went from being abused when very little, to our parents fighting over us when they divorced (fighting over who had to take us). My mother tried extortion to get my dad to take us and it didn't work, so she was very bitter until I was 18, and was very hostile towards us for ruining her life (when she wanted to be "free").

Despite all that, I just don't feel sure that I developed a really low self image or esteem. Because very early on, I saw my mother and father as suffering- as having problems originating in their past and sources beyond myself. I felt compassion and sympathy for them. Every beating or insult was just further evidence of their suffering- it was not really "about me".
I didn't look to them to find out the truth about who I am, but rather the truth about who they are- which was something deeper then appearences.

Now, I think that sounds incredibly effective, as a coping mechanism- except I see now that I am having a real struggle with learning to reject people, even when I should. There are times one should be able to sort of judge who is beneficial and who is detrimental to your life and cut out the ones that are deterimental. But I can't seem to do that!

I'm always looking at that "deeper" part and feeling compassion, when sometimes it just isn't appropriate. A stranger that walks on you and treats you crappy- you don't need to see their individual inner struggles and be understanding about that.
Even if they have them, even if they are just as valuable a person as anyone else, that is not your problem to deal with.

I'm actively trying to come up with exercises to help me simply make black and white decisions at times- to say "I don't like that person, period." with no excuses or explanations for their behavior. But I find it very challenging. Even people who treat me really badly, and who show very nasty behaviors, I will still see some characteristic I like and that makes me smile! I haven't met ANYONE I can say has no positive characteristics about them.

I am afraid this is a problem that some people with narcissistic parents develop- and how they end up being involved with narcissistic people over and over in life- because they are always being understanding and forgiving of nastiness.

The big challenge in life is getting over the methods that worked for you once and are no longer necessary....

a reply to: threeeyesopen

I had a long thought out response but thanks to my wacky laptop and my ineptitude it deleted itself. So this is a short version.

You are absolutely right, positive reinforcement does work for everyone. Who knows why someone attacks another with negatives. Probably their own problems of insecurity for whatever reason. And more importantly why do they attack the person instead of their understanding of things without any substantiation?

Once when I was attacked and had exaggerated gossip spread, I kept reminding myself that I was just a simple human being like everyone else who made mistakes. Seems everyone thinks your mistakes are greater than theirs. They aren't, they are just different.

With this I am not implying mistakes on your part. just that most people are so quick to judge without looking at them selves. Mistakes or not mistakes, it is all the perception of the other person.

Okay...think I may have not addressed the topic as I had planned here...Damn laptop..... Anyway'.....

Many of us here, I think, are or have been in a bad place in our life and look for some form of validation. May not be the best place. But know you do have friends.

i am a friend.

originally posted by: threeeyesopen

It can be any phrase or word that reminds you of why you are unique, and why you should want to remain that way instead of wanting to die or become someone else.

I once, in late teens, early 20's had a mate who was talented and going places and I envied him and sometimes wished I was him.

About 3-4 months later he killed his mother in a road prang and about 12 months after that he died in a road prank himself. I never wanted to be an anyone else s shoos since and I know people who are loaded and haven't worked for 20 years.

a reply to: Azureblue

Wow what a tragic story..thank you for sharing though

a reply to: liveandlearn

Getting off topic happens to me all the time so no worries there and thank you I appreciate your sentiments

You are absolutely right about everyone being different, and we do all make mistakes without a doubt; and of course we learn & hopefully move on with our lives instead of being stuck in the past.

a reply to: rickymouse

I feel exactly the same way you do about material things, and honestly at one point that was my idea of success too.

Now I'm happy that I will soon be closer to my best of friends and his soon to be wife, with their soon to be family

I'm the luckiest one of them all because I get to be the godfather and "uncle (insert name here"

a reply to: Bluesma

That was quite the heavy response, thank you for choosing to share that here with us.

As for me, I understand exactly how you are too compassionate with certain people who don't deserve it, because I used to be the same way.

I have literally spent thousands of dollars on other people to help them, and never asked for it in return except for their understanding on why I did it and what good I expected them to do with it.

I'm sure you know what they chose to do and how they chose to treat me in return after I was no longer such a generous and helpful person.

I had to learn that everyone wants something from you, no matter who it is, they will always want something and it's up to you how much or how little you want to give, or can give.

As for the childhood situation, I have spoken to a few others with similar pasts so I know how hard it is to break the cycle.

My own father was abused badly as a child and likewise I could see the pain it caused him and the scars it left on his mind.

Personally I've sworn that if ever I am lucky enough to have a child, that I will never treat them as less than my only priority.

I have this vibe I guess you can call it, but kids love me and I love the whole concept of children literally being the future.

Their protection, their intelligence and their goals are up to us to help fulfill, so what's the sense in doing the total opposite ?