originally posted by: berenike
I've been giving you a great deal of thought today, especially based on your last post and it occurs to me that you might just have found out your
reason for being here. The Life Dilemma that you have to solve.
Ask me how many times I've look up and said to no-one in particular 'Tell me what to do, and I'll do it' as I struggled to find my reason for being
here and for going through some of the things that were happening.
You seem to have embarked on your own Great Work.
I go through times, around every seven years or so, I think, where I have such a crisis- in which I feel I need to figure out what kind of "higher
purpose" I have, in order to help me determine my next step in my journey.
I use meditation, visualization, exercise and healthy eating..... I consult my intuition, try to delve into my subconscious for answers. I look at the
patterns of my past up to now, observe the "themes" that are replaying, and what sort of positive expression or manifestation they could have in this
Because there are themes, that repeat even without my creating them- like synchronicity puts me in similar circumstances over and over, with similar
challenges. These point me towards what I am experienced in, what I am familiar with, what I care about, and what I might be able to excell at in some
beneficial action some day.
Communication between worlds; between different realities, different minds. Mediation, conciliation, arbitration, creativity.
My current struggles with cultural and lingual clashes in my environment (being a foreigner in France, having a mate with a different cultural
background) is just an extension of a life pattern. I was once the only english speaking white kid in my neighborhood; then I was the only poor kid in
a rich neighborhood; later moved back into a poor area as a rich kid (from their point of view); when I was a toddler, I saw ghosts and translated
their messages to adults who couldn't see them; my sister was retarded, and couldn't talk clearly, but I understood her very different vie of reality
and acted as a translator for her for most of my time growing up.
I spent years working with animals, studying how to bring the psychic communication into a physical expression of relationship and interaction between
All these situations made me focus on having to see from other's points of view, understand their very different perceptions and feelings, and make
attempts to weave them with their opposite somehow, creatively.
Now, I figure, if we're going to consider higher goals or intents, I can't help but guess this is the desire to create using my own natures of Yin and
Yang- as an ego, a middle man, who mediates and draws from each to find a creative form of action between the two. This requires stepping back and
forth into each to experience and understand them. Stepping into ones passive side, and ones active side, to come to an effective conciliation between
the two. Or ones joy and ones sadness; ones power and ones powerlessness; ones fulfillment and ones emptiness, etc.
I'll give you two clues based on what I have read in your posts here: Control Issues and Projection.
I would like to hear what your thoughts and perceptions are behind this idea!
In my thread of thought, above, it fits, because I see the stage of life as where we use relation
to experience this dynamic in physical terms.
For example, one explores and "enters" their powerlessness through having a relationship with another who is exploring their power,
or experience our active side through relations with someone experiencing their passive side,
This necessitates projection on both sides of each and every relationship and interaction.
Far from the current fad of using projection as a term of discredit towards someone ("you are only projecting, what you say/feel is invalid), I
personally see it as an inescapable part of living and relating.
That accusation and disparagement only comes about when two people are not in agreement upon the exact terms of the projection that shall happen
between them. One does not want to play the role proposed, and they want the other to conform to their preference of role in the moment.
Otherwise, we come to (most often consciously unacknowledged, but subconsciously communicated) agreements on who will play what role in face of the
other, for our scenes of life. If we are both in agreement, there is no problem. -Though that is not to say there will be no conflict
action! For the roles may be exactly chosen for their antagonistic/opposing qualities.
I mention my mother a lot here, obviously my observing of her choices had a big impact on me in many ways- more than I should list here. But one
pattern I observe is that in my life I put myself repeatedly similar conditions as she, but with different responses. This could be simply to
differenciate as an individual - the most obvious and current psychoanalytic conclusion.
Or it could be in an intent to continue a certain line of exploration and learning in our genetics! We're finding more and more that lessons learned
get partially passed on genetically. Somehow behavioral evolution is happening in nature as well as nurture. Finding better solutions and responses to
the environment may just be a natural part of evolution.
I brought myself to the same challenges as she a multitude of times, and tried a different turn. I also was able to live out many of her dreams and
faced many of her fears successfully.
I thought of this yesterday... when her asthma started up bad, it was at a certain point in her life, when change was necessary for her- in her roles
she had been playing at that time. She didn't have the courage to change them, she couldn't let go of the values and the mindset she had constructed
for those roles. Changing roles is hard, because it means another ego-death.
(this too, is part of the cycles I observe in myself).
The asthma was her body pushing her to change her environment and relationships, and she chose not to. She chose to stick with stability of outer
circumstances, and let internal change be repressed, and destroy the self.
I thought, yesterday, that this time too, I shall try a different response. I'm going to let change happen, and row into the rapids.
My husband is a hoarder. I have always liked to live sparsely- material objects way me down and stifle me. At one point his opposing energy on this
was a source of constructive creativity between us- providing an element of stability.
But I cannot take any more of that. My body is pushing me to take action by being unable to handle the dust!
I have never touched his stuff, but it has taken over every corner of the house. We cannot use our dining table, because it has stacks of stuff on it.
This desk I am sitting at, I could barely clear a space for my cup of coffee.
We have entire rooms that you cannot enter because they are stockpiled with stuff!!!
Yesterday I got big trash bags and started throwing stuff out, for the first time. Did it all day.
Haven't told him yet, and got the bags down to the dump before he got home. But this is just the beginning.