I want to respond directly to each and every poster, but I kind of think I'd spend hours on the computer, when I'm making an effort to move instead of
dwell further on these feelings? I hope you can each understand that I appreciate the wealth of wisdom shared with me here.
One of you mentioned the problem of being accused of trying to manipulate when you share your emotional suffering with another.... this is exactly the
problem I struggle with and why I wrote it out here.
Nobody else knows I got this low in the last couple of days. Everyone thinks I'm fine, in fact. My husband (someone asked) is actually a very
sensitive and supportive mate- but he has a job that takes him away for several days a week and was not home the last three days.
But I don't tell him this is happening to me. Because the fact is, whether we intend it or not, we DO manipulate others when we share it. It will make
him enter into empathy with me and feel the same. And where these thoughts and emotions are things I am used to, for him, they are terribly
devastating! I'm used to feeling worthless and unloved, I can sit in that and sort of shrug with a bit of sadness- that's life for me. But for someone
who has always been instilled with a sense of worth and being loved since the time they were born, it is unbearable.
I can't deny that stirring up such unbearable feelings in him (or anyone close to me) does have the effect of making them willing to do anything and
everything to change that state we are then both in. That's why I don't tell anyone. It would create a sort of pressure and power on them whether I
want that or not!
I'm probably going to stop the Chantix. I'm on a very low dosage, haven't smoked for a month, and wasn't a heavy smoker or long time smoker anyway. (I
had been up to ten a day, and only started nine months ago).
So, since I posted this (thanks for the patience, getting it out really made a difference), it seems the universe suddenly started moving again. I've
been in a state of transition. I had to stop the job I had because of a physical problem, which has left me alone a lot at home. My kids all grown and
gone recently, I find I am enjoying less my isolated stone fortress on the mountaintop. If I want to do as much as send a letter or buy some milk, I
have to drive fifteen minutes down a one lane gravel road - which will be too dangerous to take when snow or ice sets in.
I'm starting to feel like I'd like to live closer to civilisation. But my husband works in big cities and loves coming home for the weekend here. He
never wants to leave.
I understand the importance of exercise, and I spend a lot of time hiking and running with my dog through the forests here. I also go to the gym each
day, and ride my horse (though less often since my problem with my arm).
But these last couple of days, I got sick again, having trouble breathing and couldn't.
So.... since I got my whining out here, I went to bed, and in the morning, I got a call from my husband.
He is very good at his job, and often has other companies trying to poach him. He had one (an american company) approach him now with an amazing
offer. But it means him having to travel all over Europe regularly. We'd have to live closer to an airport.... !!!
Like... a bigger city.... where there are people who went to school after the age of 15, and are not married to their cousin!!! Where there are jobs
for people who speak english, in tourism, in education.....!
The possibility is even present that they might pay for an apartment!
Then, to boost all this, my doctor insists to me again that I do not have a cold - I have allergies and asthma.
I have had a hard time accepting this, as I never had any when younger). Through testing out where and when it attacks, it seems I am allergic to
Soooo.... a three hundred year old house is not going to work out for me anymore, neither psychologically, nor physically.
Then I got an email from the unemployment office about a place wanting to train a native english speaker to be a tourism agent (travel agent).
So all this seems to indicate needed changes might be in the future and that motivated me to make an effort to get out of my slump. I called a
girlfriend yesterday and we spent the day christimas shopping and lunching in the city, which if nothing else, provides a needed distraction from
Hubby is home today, and I will be making effort to keep busy and do mood-lifting stuff. I do eat healthy and exercise, but I find that contact with
others is vital at such times. I might not tell anyone I've been having suicidal thoughts, but their laughter and presence does more than sharing my
depression would, at this point.
I also learned my brother and his wife, who struggled for years trying to get pregnant, finally got a baby girl to foster, and hopefully adopt. I'm so
happy for them, it reminds me this is why I want to continue - to witness events like that.