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Enduring the darkest recesses of the soul

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posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 08:43 AM

originally posted by: laminatedsoul
Apart from the partner and kids its as I could have written this, bluesma. The endless rumination and self worthlessness. I have only a few people left I can talk with and I know they're tired of me just not getting over a lifetime of self destruction and failed relationships.

Even now the pain inside of me tells me to give up. I'll never find her. Not at this stage in my life. But I have no one so this hermit is s ghost... A witness to watch life. A spectator. I was resigned to this once. But having loved someone so deeply and then be rejected has done me in.

Dark depression is an agony I'd not wish on my worst enemy

I hope the OP does not mind if I encroach upon your situation as I think I have something useful to say.

People, life did not enter into a contract with us at birth to make us happy. The poet/musician Jim Morrison once wrote

"Some are born to sweet delight
Some are born to endless night"

I would go as far to say that for most of us it is a mixture of the two.

I was once very sensitive about the way I went about existence. Total door mouse, total door mat! My sensitivity led me to a month's stay in St Anne's, Paris, in the finish. Only after that cold water shock did I realise that big changes would have to be made. I was always pussy footing round my family, bending my neck to them. I even was not myself with them. I went to all the trouble of acting up just to please them. I was that way in life, trying to please others.

In these last two years I have toughened right up. I speak my mind. I do not particularly care what others think of me any more. So what if my family are freaked that I want to have my own life, that I am nothing like them. I tell you I am so much happier and stronger now.

Ok, we are alone. Everyone is alone in this world. Even the President of the U.S is ultimately alone. Ok, the world has not been kind. We are most of us in some sort of scrape or other. It is the way life is.

There is no magic rainbow, nothing will change. Think of the hard lives of the generations who have gone before. They died in huge numbers in trenches of war. Women even popped their organs out of their right places to please men with the shape of their bodies. That is life. We have our challenges.

Whatever situation you are in all you can do is make the most of it. There is no magical way out. The opportunities you get are just what your fate is. Yes, my fate is miserable compared to Leo' DiCaprio, but is it? Am I really so much unhappier than he? Is his life so much easier than mine? The exposure I have had to the lives of rich people makes me realise that my load is much lighter. You would not believe the sadness of some of these people. They have their own issues believe me and the load can be a great deal heavier.

Toughen up to this life. I highly recommend it. Laugh in the face of adversity. Be daring, bold. You have as much right to exist as anybody else. That is the Universe's decree.

We are our own prison bars. Please live and be strong. Sometimes you will feel like a car wreck. Sometimes there is only a hole in the ground you are seeing as the future. It is the same for each and everyone of us.

Loneliness, yeah it hurts sometimes. Yet if you are alone you can be lots more selfish and pamper you. No one is requesting or demanding any conformity from you whatsoever.

I have built so many useful coping mechanisms these last two years. I am impressed at myself for rising out of the hopeless ashes of two years ago!

Yee haw with a big cigar! ;>)/

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:00 AM
You have people who love you and you are involved in their lives. Regardless of what your inner voices tell you; if you can't face day to day life for yourself, do it for them. They would be broken without you.

My parents and my wife are the people that I keep living for. I couldn't hurt them in a million years.

Also, the stop smoking aid which is an anti depressant is going to give you a total mindscrew while you are first taking it. This will level out. What you are thinking now is not a reflection of yourself, but your brain going haywire trying to figure out what to do with the loss of one stimulant (nicotine) and addition of another (ssri)

Believe me I know from experience.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:10 AM
a reply to: Revolution9

The poet/musician Jim Morrison once wrote "Some are born to sweet delight Some are born to endless night"

I like The Doors, but Morrison stole those lines from William Blake's poem Auguries of Innocence.

A favorite stanza:
He who mocks the infant’s faith
Shall be mock’d in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne’er get out.
He who respects the infant’s faith
Triumphs over hell and death.

Highs, lows, joy, sorrow, light, darkness, beauty, ugliness....
All parts of life's rich tapestry.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:14 AM
a reply to: ColeYounger

Yes, you are quite correct. Jim did use them from William Blake. That's great you posted that for Bluesma. It makes real sense with no bs, just the plain facts. I knew this, but have had a lot of stress lately and my memory goes a bit haywire under stress. Thanks for reminding me. William Blake was/is a great Poet.

Jim was an incredible person. He still fascinates me. I think has much to tell people about acceptance of the reality we are in and having fun bashing one's head against the cell walls of our mortal experience.

edit on 3-12-2015 by Revolution9 because: (no reason given)

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:29 AM
a reply to: [post=20104594]Revolution9[/post

Jim was an incredible person. He still fascinates me.

I agree. The music he created is timeless. It's also interesting how we relate to these songs and poetry as reflections of our lives.

Bluesma's OP also brings to mind lyrics from Bob Dylan's Tangled Up In Blue:

And when finally the bottom fell out, I became withdrawn.
The only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keeping on.
Like a bird that flew... tangled up in blue.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:44 AM
I've had the same: quitting smoking, chantix, suicidal thoughts. I decided to forgo the medication only after a short time. Cravings are easier to deal with than suicidal thoughts.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:46 AM
a reply to: ColeYounger

Wow! I like you. I love Bob Dylan, too.

Yes, these guys have helped me on this rocky road of life. Another special one is Bob's "It's All Over Now Baby Blue".

This is for you, too, BLUEsma:

"You must leave now, take what you need, you think will last
But whatever you wish to keep, you better grab it fast
Yonder stands your orphan with his gun
Crying like a fire in the sun
Look out the saints are comin’ through
And it’s all over now, Baby Blue

The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense
Take what you have gathered from coincidence
The empty-handed painter from your streets
Is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets
This sky, too, is folding under you
And it’s all over now, Baby Blue

All your seasick sailors, they are rowing home
All your reindeer armies, are all going home
The lover who just walked out your door
Has taken all his blankets from the floor
The carpet, too, is moving under you
And it’s all over now, Baby Blue

Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you
Forget the dead you’ve left, they will not follow you
The vagabond who’s rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore
Strike another match, go start anew
And it’s all over now, Baby Blue".

Bluesman Bob is serenading you, Let your pain be over Baby Bluesma!

edit on 3-12-2015 by Revolution9 because: (no reason given)

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 09:59 AM
a reply to: Revolution9

I don't dispute any of that. For a few years, I had found myself, so I thought. It was good to have a path in front of me. This past year has been almost impossible though, and trying to find that part of me again seems equally as impossible. But I know it is up to me, and only me, to find a new path.

Engaging in study again after so many years might be the way. Remains to be seen.

The worst thing for me is that I have been a demon to so many people. No amount of apology will fix that, and at this point in life, restarting yet again feel utterly futile.

Just have to keep trying.. I used to believe that most obstacles we encounter are actually opportunities in disguise. Ahh but to have had it all planned out, a family, a future, a gorgeous wife.. only to find myself back at square one, gets to me late at night. And it's midnight. lol

but thank you for reminding me..

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP. They say we should remember that what we feel, others feel. Not much comfort when it is the darkness casting shadows over everything, I know..

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 10:02 AM
a reply to: Bluesma
That's a terrible situation. Taking something that causes suicidal thoughts and actions while already having suicidal thoughts isn't a good idea. Is there something else you could try that wouldn't mess with your head so bad?
You might think that nobody cares for you but if you look you might be surprised by how many that actually do. Take care.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 10:10 AM
a reply to: laminatedsoul

I do hope you can start anew. Whatever is behind is behind. Check that Bob Dylan song I posted. It is very healing. Life teaches us on the way. I have been a demon to others before, too. I expect most of us have to some degree. All we can do is keep mending the holes and stitching the old jeans back together.

I wish you good luck. Just be strong through this. The Universe has not given up on you, you are still here. You are not in prison. You have not done anything that is too heavy therefor. Once we learn our lesson the guilt is just a hangover and we should not feel bound to cling to it. It becomes useless.

Lol, what a mess we all make of each other. Like Cole said. We just have to appreciate the whole panorama.

I tell you it would be my greatest wish to console people. I am very broadminded and non judgemental. I know that life is one endless mistake. Evolution knows it. too. That is how life keeps evolving. Evolution keeps messing up and has to look for ever more crafty ways to continue and adapt.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 10:11 AM
Speak with your doctor. The medicine you are on is not helping you. There are other options and your doctor can help you with that. You are a wonderful and beautiful soul and don't for one minute allow anyone to make you feel any less. If you feel like talking to someone, you can send me a PM or share things in here. You have a loving and compassionate ATS family who cares about you and your well being and will stand by your side to help you through this.

I feel pretty certain that your husband and kids would be devastated if you left them. They would surely spend the rest of their lives regretting that they didn't say or do things that they should have. Speak with them and see what they say. If they truly don't love and support you, find others who will!

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 10:31 AM
a reply to: Bluesma

Dear Bluesma –

If you are ending up with depression on the Chantix then you need to go to the doctor and be honest. There are other alternatives you can try.

I too am prone to attacks of depression. Over the last few years I have developed a coping system: to flow along with the depths and hopelessness of the despair that attacks and to ride it out. And I know, because I’ve been through it so many times, that it will end. And then one day it lifts. It is always there, don’t get me wrong, but the attacks of intensity are what I know now I can get through. It’s like riding the roughest sea, hanging on for dear life and just existing through the moment. The assail of dark emotions I just keep telling them to shut up. The depression is not me – it is an attack on me. Strangely, I am finding that they are easier to cope with in that I may be experiencing the darkest days of my life but having been through it so many times before I know without a doubt that the end will come. I am sure there are some cognitive skills happening now whereas before I felt I was possessed. Now I just know it is a phase. It’s been a strange process but I know through it all I am going to make it okay even if I don’t emotionally believe it.

The past is not you. The future is not you. You live in the present and whatever other people do or say to you that is NOT you. Again, you have to tell that inner voice to shut up. It works, try it. And you, as most of us are, are stuck in a negative style of thinking. Look at the world and how it makes us try to be better than anyone else, we must always be striving for the better car, computer, the perfect well behaved kids – the world is all about condemnation and guilt and greed and this feeds into us. One thing that has helped me is realizing that my emotions are simply that and often a reaction. It’s great to have an emotion but not to let it swarm our brain to torment ourselves. You must learn to live in the moment for this is exactly where you are right now. There is great power in this.

We need people = they are other souls on the same journey as you. And your people are your family and friends. Just keep in mind that they are struggling with their own inner voices and whatever is going on in their life but it is not a reflection of you. They would be devastated to lose you. Keep it simple: you love them, they love you and you each want the best for each other. So the thoughts of them having a better life without you is not a truth.

Life is about the journey and learning all we can. Not to eliminate yourself from their lives when they love you. That is not real love. It’s a deceitful mind thought and you don’t have to let it control you.

You view yourself as a curse to your parents because they had you???? No my dear. You were a blessing but they were unable to see it. All children are gifts of innocence and purity and absolute bundles of sweetness. That was you and that is still you. Your parents could have prevented becoming pregnant but whatever happened happened and they got you. I don’t know the particulars and won’t guess but believe it was traumatic all the way around and this is still with you. Unfortunately, they are the ones that created and imposed the trauma on you. You were not to blame. Their job was the love and guide you – not impress how useless and burdensome you were. They were given a child with the ability to love and learn but instead they twisted your childhood. Now, everyone can be forgiven and it really sounds like a lot of your issues stem from your childhood and I have a feeling you need to forgive yourself. There is a lot you need to investigate there.

Keep the ones that love you close and as for the others you can love them from a distance. As for that inner voice – you are the one in control. Get out of the lazy habit (as I used to) of listening to it and agreeing with it and believeing it. Now it’s a matter of fact that when my inner voice starts to speak up and wasn’t asked to, and it says things counter to the truth I put it in its place. And it goes quiet.

When your mind is swirling out of control try some Tiger Balm just in the middle of your forehead (make a big circle). Rub it in good. And then go and lay down. Just having that physical sensation and the powerful smell is enough to stop my mind from swirling out of control which I still struggle with at times. And I am then able to just mentally rest.

And of course, I really encourage you to find a professional to . talk to. There is such release in placing all that is weighing you down onto someone else’s shoulders – someone who doesn’t judge you or anyone you have any dealings with. And they will give you coping skills which will help tremendously.

You are loved, you are beautiful, you are amazing. I know this and I encourage you to say this to yourself constantly. Self affirmations will drive out that negative voice.

I wanted to say everything quickly and so hope my response doesn't come across as cold or haughty. I send my response with love, genuine love and care and saturated with hugs. I care about you and I know the battle is torment but you are stronger. Some days we must just put one foot in front of the other like a battle worn soldier that has no more thought in his mind - but this is how we can make it through the darkest times. You deserve all good things and a joyful heart. xox

edit on 3/12/15 by ccseagull because: Tiger balm does not go in eyes!!! Fixed a nasty typo.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 12:36 PM
a reply to: Bluesma

Bluesma, you have an incredibly strong understanding of the whats and whys of your thoughts and emotions. I can imagine that paradoxically actually making things harder to deal with at times. I imagine you having things rolling over and over through your mind as you described in the OP is probably 10x worse than it is for me. and I'll tell ya, it can be a real @-kicking at times, even without having the troubles as you do.

I think it can be better just to go ahead and vent as you have than to take in a slew of platitudinal replies, so I will only add, as I'm sure you know on some level, that you're loved and needed moreso than you think. Everything passes through the filter of your perceptions and expectations, so they seem worse than they really are (even if they're not necessarily all roses and unicorn farts.)

One more piece of advice - get a good vaporizer (e-cig) - screw the Chantix!

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 12:54 PM
a reply to: Bluesma

So how do you do that in a way that is meaningful, right?

Well, here's part of your answer - run. Exercise is a big key to solve your problem. I used to get terrible mood swings, irritability, and depression. I don't like meds and refuse to take them. I've always been an active person, but many years ago I started a crossfit/martial arts program. It is hard work, to say the least.... But since then, I DON'T have mood swings, depression, nada... It has improved my life and health in ways that continue to amaze me. I've come to realize that EXERCISE is the most under-prescribed solution to mental illness (thanks big pharma...).

Any kind of moderate-intensity exercise will do...just be consistent and engage for at least 30 minutes 2-3 times per week. But I have to say that laying into a punching bag is the most satisfying stress reliever that I have ever felt.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 02:13 PM
I've something to add re. the Chantix, which I'd never heard of before today.

I noted that you are only taking half the prescribed amount. Some medicines are actually more potent in smaller doses and I'm wondering if Chantix falls into that category?

It would be worth mentioning to your doctor that you've been halving the dose because, presumably, he had his reasons for prescribing the amount that he did.

Of course, I'm with everyone who is trying to persuade you to stop altogether and don't want to see you drugged up to the eyeballs. BUT - if the doctor prescribes a particular dose it may be advisable to take the medication as he recommends you do.

posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 03:07 PM
It's a shame that someone as beautiful (I've seen your pictures on the members' photo thread) and as intelligent (I've read your posts on philosophical threads) as you would suffer such thoughts of worthlessness! I know women who would sell their soul to have your beauty and brains.

Please talk to your doctor, and don't hesitate to see a therapist - there's no shame in it. When my aunt went through menopause, she suffered horrible symptoms of depression. She was ashamed to go to a therapist, and when she mentioned it to her family doctor, he basically implied it was all in her head (no sh*t sherlock), and her family told her to "snap out of it". Finally, she went to a different doctor and he put her on estrogen. It took a while to get the dosage right, but the depression symptoms eventually disappeared.

Not that menopause has anything to do with your situation, but my point is, seek help and keep trying! You don't have to try and deal with this completely on your own.

Best of luck to you, Bluesma. People you don't even know care about you.
edit on 3-12-2015 by kaylaluv because: (no reason given)

posted on Dec, 5 2015 @ 02:33 AM
I want to respond directly to each and every poster, but I kind of think I'd spend hours on the computer, when I'm making an effort to move instead of dwell further on these feelings? I hope you can each understand that I appreciate the wealth of wisdom shared with me here.

One of you mentioned the problem of being accused of trying to manipulate when you share your emotional suffering with another.... this is exactly the problem I struggle with and why I wrote it out here.
Nobody else knows I got this low in the last couple of days. Everyone thinks I'm fine, in fact. My husband (someone asked) is actually a very sensitive and supportive mate- but he has a job that takes him away for several days a week and was not home the last three days.

But I don't tell him this is happening to me. Because the fact is, whether we intend it or not, we DO manipulate others when we share it. It will make him enter into empathy with me and feel the same. And where these thoughts and emotions are things I am used to, for him, they are terribly devastating! I'm used to feeling worthless and unloved, I can sit in that and sort of shrug with a bit of sadness- that's life for me. But for someone who has always been instilled with a sense of worth and being loved since the time they were born, it is unbearable.

I can't deny that stirring up such unbearable feelings in him (or anyone close to me) does have the effect of making them willing to do anything and everything to change that state we are then both in. That's why I don't tell anyone. It would create a sort of pressure and power on them whether I want that or not!

I'm probably going to stop the Chantix. I'm on a very low dosage, haven't smoked for a month, and wasn't a heavy smoker or long time smoker anyway. (I had been up to ten a day, and only started nine months ago).

So, since I posted this (thanks for the patience, getting it out really made a difference), it seems the universe suddenly started moving again. I've been in a state of transition. I had to stop the job I had because of a physical problem, which has left me alone a lot at home. My kids all grown and gone recently, I find I am enjoying less my isolated stone fortress on the mountaintop. If I want to do as much as send a letter or buy some milk, I have to drive fifteen minutes down a one lane gravel road - which will be too dangerous to take when snow or ice sets in.

I'm starting to feel like I'd like to live closer to civilisation. But my husband works in big cities and loves coming home for the weekend here. He never wants to leave.

I understand the importance of exercise, and I spend a lot of time hiking and running with my dog through the forests here. I also go to the gym each day, and ride my horse (though less often since my problem with my arm).
But these last couple of days, I got sick again, having trouble breathing and couldn't.

So.... since I got my whining out here, I went to bed, and in the morning, I got a call from my husband.
He is very good at his job, and often has other companies trying to poach him. He had one (an american company) approach him now with an amazing offer. But it means him having to travel all over Europe regularly. We'd have to live closer to an airport.... !!!

Like... a bigger city.... where there are people who went to school after the age of 15, and are not married to their cousin!!! Where there are jobs for people who speak english, in tourism, in education.....!

The possibility is even present that they might pay for an apartment!

Then, to boost all this, my doctor insists to me again that I do not have a cold - I have allergies and asthma.
I have had a hard time accepting this, as I never had any when younger). Through testing out where and when it attacks, it seems I am allergic to dust.

Soooo.... a three hundred year old house is not going to work out for me anymore, neither psychologically, nor physically.

Then I got an email from the unemployment office about a place wanting to train a native english speaker to be a tourism agent (travel agent).

So all this seems to indicate needed changes might be in the future and that motivated me to make an effort to get out of my slump. I called a girlfriend yesterday and we spent the day christimas shopping and lunching in the city, which if nothing else, provides a needed distraction from rumination.

Hubby is home today, and I will be making effort to keep busy and do mood-lifting stuff. I do eat healthy and exercise, but I find that contact with others is vital at such times. I might not tell anyone I've been having suicidal thoughts, but their laughter and presence does more than sharing my depression would, at this point.

I also learned my brother and his wife, who struggled for years trying to get pregnant, finally got a baby girl to foster, and hopefully adopt. I'm so happy for them, it reminds me this is why I want to continue - to witness events like that.

posted on Dec, 5 2015 @ 03:05 AM

originally posted by: berenike

Way to guilt trip the poor t

What's the suicide note going to say? You'll all be better off without me. I won't embarrass you anymore. You can have a younger wife. You can stop being reminded of me.

What Choice does that leave them? Only one, as far as I can see. They'll all feel guilty as sin for making you feel that you were a liability to them. And they will think that.

Do you think your husband will be thankful that you freed him to find a new young partner? Or, perhaps, will he be reminded of you every time he takes her in his arms? Of the great sacrifice you made.

I've thought through more than you assume.

I would never leave a note, nor would I make it obvious I committed suicide. I am not stupid. I have no wish to make my loved ones feel guilty.

Since you are willing to take the route of looking at things completely realistically, without being over sentimental (I appreciate that) then I will go there.

A successful suicide is one in which no one has to acknowledge it as such.

My mother committed suicide. Only a few people recognize it. I do, a couple of her cousins and her brother do.
For my stepfather and siblings, it was a terrible and unforeseeable accident, with no fault.

She had bad asthma. It got worse as she got older. In the months preceding her death, she aquired more and more animals in the house - gifts for my little half brother. Dogs, cats, rats, and quite a few birds. (birds are just about the worse thing to have around if you have such problems).

She had been on cortisone for years, and her face became swollen as a result, and nothing was helping anymore.
The asthma was constant, the inhaler ever in hand and useless.

She arranged for them to go on a horseback trip, high up in Yosemite, in the wilderness, away from any medical services or telephones. Of course, horses provoke the asthma too...
The "accident" happened in a place no one could call emergency services. But she planned it that way. Many colleagues claim my mom was brilliant - this is probably true about her suicide too.

More cold hard truth - yes, it did free me up in some ways and I acknowledged it at the time. I watched my stepdad start a whole new life with someone else who is wonderful, eventually.
I have a friend whose husband hung himself. He was definately no where near smart enough to make it a clean and well planned affair, but still, the womans life has taken off in a way it couldn't when she was under the oppressive weight of her much older husband and his antics. I HAVE witnessed and experienced that there can be a beneficial freedom gained when someone you love dies. Despite the initial pain.

That is a rather taboo thing to point out. It is considered evil to admit anything good co-existing with pain. But some of the most valuable experiences we have in life are those which were painful or hard in the immediate.

posted on Dec, 5 2015 @ 06:03 AM
a reply to: Bluesma

I take your points and have to say I admire the way your mother went about things. But was her suicide more to do with finding her life intolerable than thinking she was a burden to others? (Rhetorical question, no need to reply).

Anyway, in your post before your reply to me there were definite signs that you are getting back on track and you have things to look forward to and new opportunities opening up.

Chances to have a more fulfilling life for yourself, perhaps chances to be an asset to your husband in more ways than currently and a new niece to become a favoured auntie to. A chance to grow and thrive from good things

I understand what it's like to be isolated and feel as if you're no good to anyone. One can wonder what is the point if there is no-one to help and nurture. But I have some rather persistent little birds who expect me to put out food every day so at least, on a cold night, someone is settling down with a full belly largely thanks to me.

It's not immodest to stop and think how much of an asset you've been to others over the course of your life. But, sometimes, a person can be too much of an asset so might stunt another for giving them too much help. Just as much of a problem as being a liability. Life's rich with irony, isn't it?

I'd say, just keep doing your best and accept that sometimes you get things right, sometimes wrong. So does everyone else. We don't all need to die or have people dropping likes flies all around us to give someone a break.

Re.breathing - my problems are partly due to allergies and I've been toying with the idea of nasal filters. But they'd cost an arm and a leg to use every day. I think they're largely for the hayfever season, but you might find they're worth investigating. Some eucalyptus sweets have been helping me a little - it wouldn't hurt to give some a try and maybe they'd provide some sort of substitute for cigarettes?

My best to you.

posted on Dec, 6 2015 @ 05:30 AM

originally posted by: berenike
But was her suicide more to do with finding her life intolerable than thinking she was a burden to others? (Rhetorical question, no need to reply).

I would like to reply, if you don't mind, because that question stimulates some important thought for me.
My perception has always been that the struggle for her (and perhaps for me) is the difficulty in balancing or choosing self or others.

My highest intent or ideal for my life is to try and find a "middle road" in all instances that neither sacrifices self nor others desires and needs. People often tell me that is naive and unrealistic to aspire to. The world is made up of those who win and those lose, the givers and the takers, the users and the used; tyrants and victims, take your pick, sweet dreams are made of these...

In the first part of her life, my mom went with herself first. It was the "I" generation, and finding self fulfilment above all else was the hip thing. Seeking self gratification was above any and all other concerns.Through the seventies it led to abuses of all sorts, which really hurt others she loved.

After a period of personal searching, having abandoned children and mate, she came to wanting to make different choices - she re-started her life, with a different man, had a new child, a new career, and did a do-over.

This time she did everything the opposite . She became a giver - put everything into her job, her man, her home and child.

At the point she committed suicide, it had become clear that that route had been no more successful - she was completely drained from her work, her child was spoiled to a point their friends had all distanced themselves (no one could stand being in his company), he was showing significant signs of narcissistic personality disorder at only nine years of age. And she found out her husband had been sleeping with his students.

She'd gone from walking on others to being walked on; sacrificing loved ones to sacrificing self. At that point, I think she just felt there was no more time to push the re-start button again. ....except if re-incarnation exists.

From my observation point, I saw both attempts she made in life, and saw how both failed, ultimately.
So I see no other choice but to hope there is a mid-point or potential of balance between the two extremes.
If that seems to be impossible, then I lose all drive to continue, quickly.

I have to believe there is the possibility of being neither a suffering victim nor abusive victimizer, otherwise, I am sorry, this world is just not worth it. The only way to step out of that paradigm is to be both the victim and victimizer simultaneously, yourself.

But for one more day, at least, I am ready to try, or percieve a potential of that mid way route - where my needs and those of others I love can find a win-win solution.
It is a creative search for such solutions though, and means delving into the darkness and the light.

I'm fine with not smoking, in fact, don't even miss it at all. I find it wierd though, that when I do not smoke, I have asthma... but when I smoke, I do not! (I've gone for years without smoking, then started up again, repeatedly)
Now that I think about it, it was the same for my mother - her asthma only emerged after she quit smoking.
That seems rather counter intuitive.

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