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Enduring the darkest recesses of the soul

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posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 05:15 AM
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I don't know if I am infuriated..... but I am surely frustrated. I just need to vent, and I cannot do it with any people around me.
At least here I can put it in words, feel like I put it out there, and everyone is free to ignore it.

I am struggling with my deepest demons. I always have to, to an extent. Sometimes I live with the monster under my bed just fine. We make deals - I'll acknowledge it's existence and not condemn it, and it will keep it's nasty hands from harming me or anyone else.

I quit smoking a few weeks ago, and have been taking Chantix. One of the most common side effects is depression - there is an unusually high incidence of suicide in people taking this drug. I am aware of this and being alert. It really helped, though I am only taking half of the dosage I was prescribed, since the beginning.

My problem is that I have some really deep self worth issues, with a strong tendency towards suicidal thoughts. That sounds shocking or scary to people who don't know what that is like - but like I said, I am aware of it, I acknowledge and deal with it, and get along fine in life despite it ...usually.

But the last few days, the tendency to ruminate over the past is becoming constant... I have every dumb thing I have ever done or said popping up in mind; I have every rejection and emotional blow I have ever recieved playing loops in my head. I have my inner voice lecturing about how the only truly loving thing I could do/give to those I love is to die or disappear. To free them from me.
It insists that my fear of pain (in the case of a suicide attempt) and my weak/selfish desire to continue being with these people, is what is keeping me from really doing the most loving thing I could for them.

This might sound crazy to someone else; many people are loved, and have a beneficial effect on the world around them, and can't imagine their death as a gift to their partner or children. But they are not me. I WAS a curse upon my parents (though it was their damned fault they concieved), and they spent their life trying to get rid of me and my siblings. For us, the only thing we could do to show our parents we loved them was to disappear.

So this pattern of relation remains the same in my head; and though no one in my entourage will admit so openly, I probably make it replay - I am sure that my kids and spouse secretly (maybe not even consciously) desire to be rid of me. I am sure I have provoked that again and again because it is how I see myself in relation to the world.

Anyway, I am struggling with this. I am not swallowed up by it... my will decided long ago that I will be selfish. I do want to watch and experience these people and this world longer, so I will. Even if it isn't what makes them happy. But dammit, it isn't easy, I am vulnerable and keep running into things that are poking the dragon I wrestling!
Stupid "rude horoscope" - just supposed to be funny, but it tells me me "you should kill yourself".
My daughter posts on facebook some meme about how I am the kind of mother you warn your friends about before they come over, because you never know what will come out of her mouth, and I was almost pushed to the edge last night.
It was like a physical battle to just go to bed without doing anything drastic. I am better this morning, feeling a bit more in control.

Though I am very sick, and alone for a couple of days. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone at times like this, but that would only make me more troublesome to those around me, increasing the whole problem of feeling bad for being a pain... so it would be counter productive. Life is so very paradoxial this way - the people who are the most needy and lonely are the ones no one can stand to be around! But that's how it is.

I just... needed to write. To get through another hour, hopefully another day.




posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 05:38 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

As someone who had a deep depressive state, I can certainly understand how you feel.

You do everything to be selfless but the world just laughs back at your face.

To me each days was exhausting - not only did I have to fight my own demons so to make sure that I stay the best person I can be, but I also had to face an ungrateful world which just didn't care about me and all my efforts.

I solved this by deciding that maybe I did need a bit of a dark side. I stopped putting out the fire, and instead of burning me it now warms me.

Now I have seen many of your threads, and I came across even more of your posts. And although you may not believe it, you are a good person. I can see it - the wonder you have in metaphysics, the concern you have upon witnessing the suffering of other people. Pay attention - this coming from a man who solved many mysteries of the universe, I am not just any man. I am telling you that if you can forgive others, then you have to forgive yourself. You are so more valuable than you think - I know, because I recognise the mark of people who are one of a kind.


edit on 3-12-2015 by swanne because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 05:52 AM
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I understand - I do.

First off, I heard this and although it sounds glib - keep it in mind:

Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Now, I spend a LOT of time alone - 24/7 - and I have plenty of opportunities to dwell on a past that, in many ways, would best be forgotten. BUT - that past is what got me to where I am. A point where I have some inner contentment and infinitely more self-understanding.

I only put as much work into a relationship as other people do - so guess why I'm so isolated


There was an incident from some time ago that I had so much difficulty getting past until I followed the chain of events that followed. Each one a step in getting me to where I needed to be for my next stage in life.

All bad incidents are like that - perhaps they are hard to make sense of at the time, or for years afterwards. BUT eventually you can learn how you grew from it, how it propelled you to the place where you needed to be. OR how you didn't learn and grow so a similar incident came along to try and teach you again.

I play a computer game and just let my mind go where it pleases. It's therapeutic. I mull stuff over, brood a bit, come to conclusions, come to terms. I face the whole bloody lot and deal with it.

YOU are your own person, your life is shaping you up into the best person you can be. YOU are finding that, in some ways, you are coming up short. YOU can solve that.

Please, forget what you mean or don't mean to other people. What do you mean to yourself? Who are you in your own life?

Do you really need to take stuff that depresses you? Can't you make life difficult enough for yourself without that sort of help


I know about being sick and alone. I've been ill all this year and my best friend, who I saw through thick and thin, has left me to it. I fight just to breathe every day. A few years ago I would have been champing at the bit to drop down dead on the spot. Now I fight for each day.

If you can breathe - believe me - you can win the struggle.

edit on 3-12-2015 by berenike because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 06:18 AM
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a reply to: swanne

Thanks for your supportive words, and there is comfort in awareness that others have been in/know the same states.

Though in a way, I look upon mine differently-

I fight to NOT be the best person I can be. The "dark side" is the "good side"... it is the loving side. It is the side which is ready to sacrifice self for other. It is the part that knows my death would be a blessing to those close to me; whether they would recognize it right away or not.

That dark side knows - if I died, my husband would be free to remarry someone in their twenties!
Each one of my kids would experience a sense of freedom, with no obligation to a mother, no concern or worry about what should would think, if they should go to her house for christmas, or how their friends will feel about her clumsy french speaking skills and embarrassing american behaviorisms!
That my dad would be free from the heavy knowledge that there is someone out there in the world that knows of his most embarrassing phase of his life, and whose existence reminds of his failures as a husband and father so long ago.

The conflict I experience is the darkness in me which insists I should sacrifice self, be a good person, for others, through dying,
and the light, which is ego/conscious will, a selfish desire to be with others, manifest physically as an individual amongst other individuals; interacting, communicating, seeing and touching; watching the sunrise and sunset, and all that is beautiful in this world. That is the part that selfishly decides to overide the goodness and not choose to die.

The darkness is the "good", if one wants to look at it in terms of ethics.
I guess that is why I don't look at it really in terms of ethical struggle with good and evil. Everyone sees those concepts differently. I just think darkness and light, or yin and yang.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 06:33 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

Try this - it works but you have you have to be disciplined.

In your mind, when that loop of badness starts playing in your head, picture yourself getting up off a chair, walking over to a giant tape recorder (or audio play, if you will) and PUSH THE OFF BUTTON.

Do this, over and over again. Sometimes, it will work for a just a minute. Other times, it will work for an hour but if you are disciplined, if you refuse to listen to the nastiness, it will get weaker and weaker.

You are in control. Push the off button. You don't have to listen!

It has been years since I gained control of mine and I rarely have to push the off button.

Tired of Control Freaks



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 06:33 AM
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originally posted by: berenike

If you can breathe - believe me - you can win the struggle.


Wierd. I dreamed all night that I couldn't breathe, I was having a severe asthma attack, and needed to get to the hospital, but the nurse at the ER was yelling at me to shut up my wheezing, and my mother was there, rolling her eyes and gettign irritated with me. But I was panicking inside because I could not get enough oxygen.
Probably just because my nose really is stuffed up.
But my mother died of an asthma attack too. So there's probably deeper meaning.

Do I need the problems or situations which make me suffer?
I don't think I have any. Not right now. I am not victimized or abused by anyone.

(well, except for the indian lady that calls me four times a day to tell me I have won a free estimate on my house for solar panels- I see why they outsource for that stuff. There would be a risk of another shooting if she was in the same country as I)

There really is no situation at the moment that provokes this, it is about what I Am, not what is going on right now. I was born into a certain body, with certain genetic predispositions, compounded by early experiences, which result in a malfunctioning and seriously flawed container. It doesn't matter where I go, or whether people around me love me or hate me - those are all temporary states and experiences in relation. The state of being remains regardless.

I sound like I am arguing with anyone who tries to offer advice or aid. I'm sorry for that impression. I am not arguing or countering anyone. I think I am taking advantage of the opportunity to get things off my chest that I have built up.
I'm listening, and what others say will continue to sink for the days to come. Thank you dearly.

edit on 3-12-2015 by Bluesma because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 06:37 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

Can you not simply... Move away?

I mean, if you believe that your close ones would not mind if you die, then surely they would mind not if you move away?

You mentioned the kids and the family having trouble accepting/relating you. But what if you became the coolest person in the family? The most awesome, generous, smart person? You already have empathy (I can tell by your last post), surely you know how you can make your father be proud to have you as his daughter, surely you know how you can make your kids proud to have you as their mom?

This is the trick I used - I transformed my self, I shedded my old skin. My relatives used to look at me with shame. Now they look at me with awe. In the space of only a few years I worked and made myself better, and even better, until I outshone those who used to judge me. Now when they have a problem they seek my help, for I have already worked it out, and they feel blessed to have me by their side.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 06:38 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

You are wonderful.

The world needs more wonderful.

Keep yourself alive.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 06:56 AM
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originally posted by: swanne
a reply to: Bluesma

Can you not simply... Move away?

I mean, if you believe that your close ones would not mind if you die, then surely they would mind not if you move away?

You mentioned the kids and the family having trouble accepting/relating you. But what if you became the coolest person in the family? The most awesome, generous, smart person? You already have empathy (I can tell by your last post), surely you know how you can make your father be proud to have you as his daughter, surely you know how you can make your kids proud to have you as their mom?

This is the trick I used - I transformed my self, I shedded my old skin. My relatives used to look at me with shame. Now they look at me with awe. In the space of only a few years I worked and made myself better, and even better, until I outshone those who used to judge me. Now when they have a problem they seek my help, for I have already worked it out, and they feel blessed to have me by their side.


THis is making me cry loudly. It is what I am always asking myself - can't I just leave?
My relatives brag about me, and they all say I am the daring and adventurous one.... even the same father that fought to not be stuck with me as a child. They like me because I left them. Because they are free from actually having me in front of them. I did something loving for them and went away so they didn't have to see me, and they could create a fantasy version of me to believe in and tell others about.
I'm frigging Cinderella to them. Of course, that story never goes on to tell us what it was like for Cinders in that foriegn land, in a cold stone castle, and kids that were embarrassed by her habits of singing with mice and dancing with birds...


We played the theme music from The Little Mermaid at our wedding, without any real reason we were conscious of... but that tale illustrated much better the fate of the maiden. Hans Christian Anderson ended it with her suicide, though Disney didn't.

If I left my husband and children, perhaps they too, would be able to create an exciting and wonderful character in their head. I consider and weigh it often.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:11 AM
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originally posted by: Bluesma
I did something loving for them and went away so they didn't have to see me, and they could create a fantasy version of me to believe in and tell others about.

Seems to me like you did the right thing. Wether they find it in their heart to accept you or not in your absence is perhaps the result of their own demons. As far as you're concerned, you took the action which gave them the most chances of happiness.


Of course, that story never goes on to tell us what it was like for Cinders in that foriegn land, in a cold stone castle, and kids that were embarrassed by her habits of singing with mice and dancing with birds...

But dancing and singing is cool. Besides,



Sometimes life doesn't have to be boring.




posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:11 AM
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originally posted by: Bluesma

If I left my husband and children, perhaps they too, would be able to create an exciting and wonderful character in their head. I consider and weigh it often.


Way to guilt trip the poor things...

IF your husband wanted a younger woman - he'd leave you. HIS choice.

IF your kids find you an embarrassment they'll stop bring their friends over. THEIR choice.

Your Dad was a lousy father and, damn right, he should feel guilty about it. HIS fault.

Bugger off somewhere else if you want to, at least that will give them the opportunity to seek you out and ask you to come back. They'll have a Choice.

What's the suicide note going to say? You'll all be better off without me. I won't embarrass you anymore. You can have a younger wife. You can stop being reminded of me.

What Choice does that leave them? Only one, as far as I can see. They'll all feel guilty as sin for making you feel that you were a liability to them. And they will think that.

Do you think your husband will be thankful that you freed him to find a new young partner? Or, perhaps, will he be reminded of you every time he takes her in his arms? Of the great sacrifice you made.

Seriously, have word with yourself. You're not thinking this through.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:11 AM
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Really despite the warm sentiments you will receive from many forums members, I would sincerely advise staying completely away from this website while you are feeling those kinds of feelings.

Seek professional help.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:11 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

I am not sure how comfortable I feel with this as I am a stranger, but where is your husband in all this? I thought partners were supposed to support each other. Is he supporting you emotionally at this time? Is he there for you?

I am beginning to wonder about relationships. I have been on my own for ages and I seem happier and stronger than people in relationships these days. I thought the point was about keeping each other soul company. Never seems to work that way. My experience of partnerships has been very nasty. I keep well away.

I gave up smoking a few months back after smoking for many years. Yes, it really plays with your emotions. I would stop taking that rubbish. If it leads you to suicide then it is obviously worse than smoking twenty a day to tell you the truth. You would be better off feeling more comfortable and chain smoking.

Honestly, loads of people have said about that crap your are taking. People HAVE killed themselves on it. Please do not take any more of it. You are not sounding anything like the Bluesma I have been reading these past few years.

I like reading your words better than most here. You are very real and have an interesting mind.

Please don't take that horrid stuff. Tell your husband off if he is not supporting you. Tell your kids off, too, if they did that and did not treat their Mother with honour.

EDIT: I did cold turkey with smoking, but then I did carry on with the naughty herb and that helps. Naughty herb is much better medication than the crap your doctor gives you, that is if anyone does need medication. Seems most do; be it prescription drugs, illegal drugs, herb or alcohol.




edit on 3-12-2015 by Revolution9 because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:32 AM
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First of all Chantix . Drop the stuff and if needed take up vaping
2) Been there , felt like that. When the doctor looks at you and tells you if they throw everything at your disease you may make it another 5 years , tops it takes the wind out of your sails. But then you set your mind to " I am not goin out like that , no way" Give up ? Not me.Now , it is a much brighter prognosis , and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Fight up , you can do it , I did. BTW , I used vaping to kick the habit. A lot more pleasant. Just start backing off the % of nicotine in the vapor as you get stronger. And both the health industry and the insurance companies say I am a non-smoker , non-tobacco user which lowered my rates..
I smoked for 40 years , the last 10 of which I had a 3 pack/day habit.

Peace,,,,


edit on 3-12-2015 by Gothmog because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:32 AM
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I have been through some of the same kind of struggles you go through although probably not to the same extent but I have battled depression. There are several things I eventually realized which worked for me and hopefully some will help you. Firstly, we all have struggles and challenges in life We can let the struggles discourage us or we can meet them, face them as challenges, and find a way to grow and overcome the challenge.

It sounds like your parents treated you very poorly. Try not to let how other people treat you be your measure of your self worth or value. I used to do that and was to a point where I did not love myself. I had to learn to be happy with myself and comfortable with who I am. How others treat you is a product of who they are, not who you are. What comes from you is an indicator of who you are. You are infinitely valuable because of the uniqueness you bring to the world. There is no one like you and without you in the world, who would replace you? We all bring unique talents, viewpoints and characteristics that are needed for certain situations which only one specific individual can bring. Don't sell yourself short and realize your true infinite value.

When faced with a challenge, upsetting situation, or someone treating you badly, think about whether you contributed to the situation in a negative way. If you did not then there is really nothing to be upset about because you could not have done better. You could not have changed it so keeping any negative emotions about it would be a waste of your energy. If there was something you felt you should have done better then make the change in yourself, learn and strive to improve the next time. By doing this you should be able to be comfortable with who you are, realize your value, and love yourself.

Quitting smoking is very hard. I haven't smoked but I see my wife struggle with it. Some things work well for some people but it seems that everyone must find their own way to beat the habit. My sister used hypnosis. It worked for her but may not be for everyone. I do know exercise is one of the best things to use against depression so it may be worth considering. Also the winter is difficult due to darkness and you may want to spend some time in a full spectrum light.

Don't think of yourself as a curse on anybody. You are not. I am sure your spouse and your children are better off with you than without you whether they realize it or not. Don't let the depression take control of you and hurt you. Win over it and be yourself. Be the happy contented person you are meant to be. When you are happy those around you will be happier also.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:40 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

It can be difficult to endure this world sometimes. I understand depression and have experienced it myself. I was fortunate to have a belief system that made suicide a no go, but depression can be so overwhelming that it disables you in every way. It is also a time of year where there is less daylight and many people are affected by this and you have the additional pressure of a medication that contributes to your dark mood.

All I can say is keep your head up. There was a 20 year old neighbor girl that took her own life a few weeks ago and it was the saddest thing. So many people...some that didn't even know her were affected by her actions. No matter how dark it seems you need to know there are people that care and that will be there for you.

Don't let the darkness win.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:42 AM
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a reply to: Bluesma

My heart goes out to you, Blue. I've been very much where you are, and have little doubt that I'll be there again. I made the decision to talk to my husband about it once, only to be accused of trying to manipulate him. I honestly wasn't, I just needed to talk to someone. But I won't make that mistake again.

I send positivity to you, as I am sure many members here are! At least you can vent it out here, it's a relatively "safe space".



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 07:56 AM
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originally posted by: chelsdh

I made the decision to talk to my husband about it once, only to be accused of trying to manipulate him. I honestly wasn't, I just needed to talk to someone. But I won't make that mistake again.


That's honestly the saddest thing.

Please 'vent it out here' if ever you need us.



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 08:18 AM
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Apart from the partner and kids its as I could have written this, bluesma. The endless rumination and self worthlessness. I have only a few people left I can talk with and I know they're tired of me just not getting over a lifetime of self destruction and failed relationships.

Even now the pain inside of me tells me to give up. I'll never find her. Not at this stage in my life. But I have no one so this hermit is s ghost... A witness to watch life. A spectator. I was resigned to this once. But having loved someone so deeply and then be rejected has done me in.

Dark depression is an agony I'd not wish on my worst enemy



posted on Dec, 3 2015 @ 08:36 AM
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a reply to: berenike

It was so very hurtful. He later apologized, but I will never go to him again. People should be able to reach out for help without worry; but we obviously don't always get that.
But you are correct, I do have here




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