This doesn't matter at all but I really just need to talk about this.

So, as you may already know, I've struggled with having an eating disorder for quite a while. I'm 24--and despite having made it down to a very low weight a few years ago (back in the winter of 2009) I have been able to restore my weight and return to normalcy pretty easily. At the time when I weighed 84 pounds, I was throwing up over 20 times a day and I literally kept no food down for months at a time besides my eating of an ungodly amount of Skittles (which, toward the end there, I started throwing up, too). Before I was doing this, back when I was in high school, I had been starving and overexercising. But when I added throwing up into the mix, literally my second week of doing that, I was out for my daily run around my subdivision. My feet and legs had been hurting for a while, but I shrugged that off as just being because I didn't do stretching ever and because I was "lazy" and "out of shape" (which I was most certainly not. I've never been fat--I have never even been chubby--nor out of shape). And so I just kept running. But then it happened and it was the worst pain and I can't describe how much it hurt. But I literally felt my ligament snap. I seriously think I heard it, too. It was the most sickening snap--like a huge rubber band that just broke. And it hurt so much I couldn't even scream. I felt blinded by the pain and it took me a minute, just standing there, before I topped over and hunched up into a shaking ball in shock and pain. And the stupid also-anorexic older lady runner that was out at the time, running behind me, doesn't even #ing stop to help or even to ask me if I'm okay. I know from when I hurt that ankle again in the coming weeks, that what I did to it did not look good and looked pretty serious (I ended up having tore my ATF ligament in my right ankle. I just got it repaired recently--and I'm doing great and it feels great for the first time since 2007 when I hurt it, initially).

So well, fast forward a couple of years to me in 2009 and being on the brink of dying a horrible death of my insides literally exploding--I'm so lucky that I didn't die of gastric rupture or electrolyte imbalance. I have no idea how I escaped all of that basically unscathed. Especially since I had--and have--GERD since even before I started throwing up. Yes, I'm a huge moron like that.

I ended up getting some help later in that year. And that's also when I started hanging out with my current fiance more. He and my other friend helped me a lot in getting better. But what really helped me to stop throwing up was Adderall. I managed to figure out that it made me totally stop feeling like throwing up. And I could actually eat on it and not feel fat. It was like a miracle. So I got a prescription for it because I've always kinda been ADHD, but it has never affected my life. But I reasoned that it affected me enough to maybe have something to do with why I throw up, so I got a prescription back in 2012 or something. So, that worked for a few years. But then I started to get sick again about a year ago. I think it might have been happening since before then, too, but a year ago was when I first noticed it for real. I was feeling fat again. And I had gained weight, of course, since my time at being 84 pounds at 5 foot 1 (and much of that weight being the great amount of muscle that I have). And so I started to stop eating as much.

At the moment, I don't really eat a lot. Less than 1000 a day--always. I try to fight it because I know that I'm not seeing myself correctly. But last week I finally made an appointment with my old therapist, who didn't really manage to help me last time, but now that I'm ready to really fight it I hope that things will be different. I'm not really too worried--he's the best guy to see around here and he's smart. And I'm not super thin at the moment or anything (I don't even weigh myself anymore). But I can tell that if I keep not-getting help, that I might end up not being okay.

I think the main reason I'm going to go see him next week is also to help me get off Adderall. I don't really want to continue using it because it feels like I'm using as a crutch to avoid having to deal with the eating disorder. And because it feels silly to use it, even though the effects are useful and have taught me a lot. I'm afraid that if I just stop using it that I'll start throwing up again, if I wasn't I would just stop using it right now. I don't need it to make it through the day or anything. Sure, when I've stopped taking it cold-turkey, I get really snuggly and sleepy and want to sleep the day away at first, but it's not that bad and it's kinda actually pretty comfy. But when I've continued to not take it, I always end up throwing up. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of afraid that all this will end up making me fat or something. Yes, I know how crazy that sounds.

I don't know. I have a lot of pride. And I don't like asking for help. So I guess I'm nervous because I actually did ask for help. Like, I know all there is to know about eating disorders, and I try to fight my own...but it isn't working and I'm losing. And because I study psychology, I can recognize that I need assistance now before I go too far and become very starved and delusional. I guess I'm scared because I feel too fat to ask for help. I feel embarrassed that I'm not emaciated yet. Like I should wait until I'm almost dead or something before I can rightfully claim to need help or something. It's twisted. And if any of you have sons or daughters or friends who might be affected, please do something. I'm not even that sick in comparison with many of the people I know who have eating disorders. But I feel like I'm insane or something, already. That's also probably because I'm hungry at the moment. #. I hate that I can be so smart and so stupid at the same time. I don't even sound the same when I'm 'in' the eating disorder versus when I'm not. It's so impossible to understand if you haven't lived it. I just can't wait until I'm normal again. I don't even care if I'm going to have to deal with the pain of whatever I'm trying to starve away. I just want to stop doing this to myself because it's utterly pointless and it subscribes to such a twisted and false sense of logic.

And a close friend of mine--who also has an eating disorder--seems to resent the fact that I'm getting help. For those of you that don't know, the community of those who have eating disorders is much like a secret society or cult wherein there is a hierarchy. Like I've been saying--it's pretty twisted. So I also feel a bit of loss because I don't know if I'm going to be able to continue being friends with her.

I wonder if either of these might be of use to you?

www.tir.org...

www.mind.org.uk...

Even if not, I hope that you can find your way through your problems and sorry I have nothing else to offer.

a reply to: berenike

Haha, yes! I'm actually going to be doing CBT--and that metapsychology sounds interesting, but I don't really have a problem with any of those types of things. I am not addicted to the drug--but I am using it as a crutch for sure. I take it as prescribed and I see many therapeutic benefits from it for the ADHD that I do also have. I just don't like the idea of being on anything. And I recognize that the main reason I take it is for the eating disorder and not for the ADHD (which, like I said above, I can manage very well without medication). I am very self-actualized--and it's partially because of that that I almost try to make things harder for myself or something. It's interesting. I think about it all of the time, actually.

Thank you! Very helpful, indeed.

a reply to: rukia

That's one huge OP and a lot to take in. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by seeing a therapist. It'll be one more pillar in your support system.

So often, it doesn't make enough difference being self-aware. We do things because it's the way our brains interpret outside stimuli and we have errant signals too. What I mean here is that we like to believe we're in charge of our behaviours when we only have a conscious vote on a committee. The other votes are made by biology, genes, environment etc.

It's when we realise and accept this that it becomes more possible to overcome unwanted behaviours or intrusive thoughts. You've obviously gotten very close to that acceptance and that's further than most who think diets, exercise plans or visits to India will become 'cures.' They can't completely rid us of anything, but they can and they sure beat apathy or just meds.

As you mention it, it's a damned shame that when people want to change, they have to cut ties too. There's so much truth in 'birds of a feather flock together.' As soon as you seek change, you push yourself out of a group and set yourself apart and they don't like that. Straight away a support pillar has fallen which could make your aims of success weaker. Some groups survive on negative values, negative reinforcement.

Get your help and keep motoring. At 24, I reckon you're way more aware and proactive than many people of any age.

a reply to: rukia

A close friend has the same issues going on.
So I will tell you, what I tell her....

First, eat real food. Sustenance only keeps you alive.
What you need is replenishment of victims and minerals.
Most disease is the result of mineral deficiency.

The problem is the soil is mineral deficient
and so the replenishment we need isn't happening
because the food we eat is only sustenance.

Second, forget about it. You stopped weighing yourself?
Good. Just eat right and forget about it. This problem
you have over "self image" is all just in your head.
Stop seeking validation from other people.

Yes, you are in the grip of a very real addiction
which you know is harming you and over which
you feel powerless. I get that, but you also know
that is all in your head right?

I suggest doing things that get you out of your head.
Do things to help other people, get the focus off yourself.
And focus on accepting yourself from the inside out.
You have great value as a human being, and while
others might try to take that away, you can stop that.
You have the power inside of you -- unleash it.

Stop hurting yourself. start loving yourself.
You can stop allow thoughts to hurt you,
stop being stressed. You do it to yourself.
Stop trying to control everything and rest.
Be at peace. Love yourself.

Oh, and if you don't have a pet, get one.
Live is too serous to be taken seriously.
It will make you lose your mind to think
about this crap too much, let it go and
learn new ways to have fun.

Enjoy life, reclaim peace, and find ways
to encourage other people. Do these
simple things and you will be OKAY.
More then OKAY, you'll be happy.

Thank you all. You've given me much to consider
I look forward to reclaiming myself so that I can have a better sense of integrity. And also because life is hard enough without making things harder for oneself.

My heart goes out to you as I can somewhat relate. When I look at old photo's from high school I see a very skinny person. Back then I looked at my self as though I was fat. For many years I just didn't eat enough.
20 or so years later, I'm struggling to loose weight. I've got about 25 extra pounds on me before I reach a normal weight.
Getting chubby with a boyfriend who loved me no matter what has helped me to realize I'm lovable and attractive no matter what I look like.
I'm not saying get chubby, but I do hope your therapist helps you to figure out the root of the problem and you solve the imbalance.
What I would recommend, is that you find an appreciation for the nutritional need for food through a cooking class that focuses on the healing power of foods.
Like, Wasaka posted above, you need vitamins and minerals through food.
Cooking and preparing foods with lots of vegetables can be a therapeutic exercise if done at least once a day.
Also, have you considered seeing an Eastern medicine practitioner? They can help you with a proper diet that will keep you healthy and at the weight your body should be at. Everyone's different. I'm a 5'1 female and looking at picture's, what's ideal to me personally is between 115-130 labs. At one time it was 97-107. Now that I'm older, I like a little extra padding and can look at my body in a new light.
Be well and take good care of yourself.

I totally empathize with what you are going thru. Although my 'case' was never as severe as yours, I do understand the difficulty you face.

One particular thing I hope you will consider - it concerns me that you are going back to the same therapist when you were not helped by the person before...

....I know from personal experience that not every therapist is the best 'fit' for every patient, and it can be a waste of your time (as well, in your case, as a risk of your life) to stay with a therapist who may be perfectly 'good', but just doesn't have the necessary insight to assist your specific situation.

Also, I would like to say that you are wise to understand that you will need to cut ties with friends who engage in the behaviors you are trying to escape - not only will they be unsupportive, but they will actually attempt to sabotage your efforts.

Wishing you blessings and success as you move forward in your endeavors!

a reply to: rukia

It's strange.. I would have never picked up that you are struggling with something .. you are always on a roll in replies .. helpful and uplifting.. so get better please

a reply to: rukia

Rukia...

I am always hungry. Aside from the fact that I have an unusual capacity to be conscious of most of my cognitive process, as opposed to its mere results, I am always aware of that hunger. However, I eat one, massive meal per day, which accounts for all of my calorific requirements, as mandated by guideline recommended daily allowances.

If I had it my way, I would eat every scrap of dead animal, every protein source, every single morsel of fat and artery clogging stuff that I could get my hands on. You see, I once lived on the street, and became very thin. I am five foot elevenish tall, have a forty four inch ribcage, and at one point I weighed eight stone. Eight. It was not lack of food which did this to me at the time, but stress. I was constantly flooded with adrenaline and fury, and all my food was being burned in manic behaviour, marching around all over the place, vigorous work, little sleep, and so on. I was dangerously thin, to the point where I could see my ribs, beneath the drum tight skin stretched across them.

It was only a change in circumstances, which allowed me to rest, and actually use the food I was eating to maintain a healthy weight and outlook. When my neurochemical imbalance had been eased (without narcotics, but with a significant amount of booze involved, alongside a better outlook on matters), everything else fell into place.

Now, I know that you and I are different people, and that your issues are different, have a different origin. But what I must say to you is this. It is vitally important not to give a damn how you look, how you think you look, or about any of the ego driven concerns which can afflict a person. What matters is that you are around to enjoy tomorrow, not what shape you attain in ensuring your presence in that moment. What shape your soul
is in, what shape your heart, both the muscle and the metaphor is in, those are what matters. Keeping your body alive, in the hope of keeping your heart and soul alive, that is what matters. You could be five hundred pounds and two feet tall, but as long as your heart and soul are nourished, then the rest is mere irrelevance.

The physical matter of which you are made is not the thing which carries your beauty as a human being, nor is it the symmetry of your features, nor the grace with which you move, or the lightness of the fall of your feet. The thing which carries your beauty as a human being, is your spirit, your soul. Ensuring the longevity of the vessel they are contained within, is paramount. Nothing else has even the remotest importance.

a reply to: Layaly

Yeah, it's funny how that works out, huh

a reply to: rukia

just checkin in how you're doing

a reply to: Layaly

Thank you

I went last week to my therapist--and got diagnosed as having AN-R (anorexia nervosa restrictive subtype). I also learned that a girl who had been in my intensive outpatient group back in 2009 ended up dying two years ago because of her anorexia. Even though I'd had the sense that something had happened to her, the finality of it was a bit of a shock. I mourned for a week and then decided to figure out where she was buried so that once I can walk again I can bring her flowers or something. Yeah.I have another appointment set for a couple weeks from now around the new year. I felt a whole lot better just going in and getting it over with lol I haven't been doing the best with food but I'm trying.

a reply to: rukia

You are beautiful it hurts to know you are hurting

I am mind blown by you.. truly.. like I said I had no clue.. that you've put your pain and struggle aside here and that you never put any type of negative energy out it's incredible

thank you for sharing thank you for being so wonderful

and yeah it's now a scary thought your life is at this level of risk so you know.. ats loves you (I lurk so it may look like I came out of blue but I do care and I know others dearly do too)

a reply to: rukia

Hey Rukia,

All I can say, is that you are more important than anything else right now. Your health is what will keep you alive and happy for many years to come.

It cannot be dependent on other people. If they can't see the light and change their ways to become better and healthy, then they aren't the right group for you right now.

And how knows, your getting better might certainly encourage some from that group to seek the same help. Happiness is contagious after all.

Sounds like you're gonna be fine though, you know what you need to do and how to get there.

Just keep your head up and your food down, everything else will fall into place.

~Tenth

a reply to: rukia

My best friend specializes in eating disorders and is a very well known therapist in the NYC area.

If you would like her number just U2U me.

a reply to: rukia

Omg please get help, i hope you still are. I dont have eating disorder but talking to therapists has helped me with my problems. Eating disorders like yours really scare me. I don't want you to die or be sick or have another unecessary injury... I want you to be strong and healthy. The root of it has to be deep in your psychological landscape. Like my guilt and shame. I believe you can root it out if you're willing and able to face yourself. I am my biggest adversary, my most impossible obstacle... If you can defeat your own self and your own doubts, everything else is easier.

Im sorry ihope you're ok.