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Resigning my position as a Christian.

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posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:01 PM
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I tried with Christianity. I studied the Bible for years. I even went all the way to Israel and lived very uncomfortably for a month (didn't have much money) to try and live and learn about Christ and His Father. I tried to be totally honest and sincere and not lie to myself or others about my experience of Christianity. I put it first just like Christ said.

After almost 20 years of this # it is over. I am finished with it. It has led me into total misery and one bad situation after another. I have been given the opposite of what a loving Father should give. What kind of #ing Shepherd is that? You would have to see it to believe it the stress I am now under. I can't even find a single room where I can have peace away from the world. I am feeling in pieces. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I have completely cracked under less pressure than this, but somehow this time I am holding it together.

I have been under so much attack. It is through life and people I get attacked. Nature is always nice to me, but the way I have been treated these last few weeks is not so dissimilar to what the CIA do. I only wish it was in my imagination. Unfortunately it is very real. I am in a very vulnerable place. It is getting to the point where I am thinking of doing something a little bit naughty so I can either have a little time on a ward or in a prison. At least there will be some human company and I will get looked after for a while.

I have not got a money problem. There is enough of that. My problem is people. Everyone seems so horrible here where I live. They are very hard, selfish and uncaring people. My family are no different. I find them very hard work. It is more a case of diplomacy with them though now rather than true and enthusiastic love. They killed that long ago by their treatment and hand.

As my own life is in pieces so is the world around me. No way out. Jim Morrison said "no one gets out of here alive". How right he was. I am feeling very sad indeed. It is a lonely, hopeless, sadness. I have no energy left to keep fighting if this is all it is going to be from now on.

My Faith has failed me. It has not helped. Twenty years of unhappiness. I became Christian really out of weakness. I had some very bad experiences all in one go and I needed to find some strength. I looked to religion for strength. It gave me only weakness ultimately.

Goodbye Jesus. Good bye religion. Religion is more evil than anything it purports to fight against as a good force.

I tore my Bible up today in very real anger at what kind of life following Christianity has led me to. Just put some soil over me and have done with it why don't you.

All religion is banned from my house from now on. I never thought I would say it, but Karl Marx was right.

Wow, talk about Job (book of). WTF!

ATS, you have been a lot more useful to me in four years than God was in twenty in terms of company and learning about others, their views and wisdom. ATS and my guitar have been the truest friends for sure.


edit on 1-12-2015 by Revolution9 because: (no reason given)




posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:04 PM
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posting about it on a forum designed for discussion implies you arent really ready to put this down yet. but ive been wrong before.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:08 PM
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Just be thankful you are not in an Islamic Sharia theocracy renouncing your religion.

You would be sentenced to death as an apostate just like in Saudi Arabia.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:13 PM
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originally posted by: TzarChasm
posting about it on a forum designed for discussion implies you arent really ready to put this down yet. but ive been wrong before.


I am just in pieces. I am really not bothered too much about discussing it. Sometimes, just writing it and communicating it publically is enough. It is my own baggage and # I know. I don't even want sympathy. I am a very emotionally tough person, had to be.

I just wish I could tell you how hard I tried with Christianity. I feel truly tortured. It is actually killing me to carry on like that. I am wasting away socially and physically. It is just not in my health interests to carry on like that any longer. I was nowhere near perfect with it all, but I did try earnestly.

I could write the weirdest book about my experiences, but it is all delusion. Many of you will have witnessed how delusional Christians can become when they break down. They start thinking they are Christ or the Devil, or some kind of angel, or a prophet, you know what I am saying. It is not healthy. I tell you I have been there, too. Luckily I have good self reflection skills. I just want a silly normal little life with a bit of comfort like most normal people get, just for a while.

I tell you I would sell my soul just for a year of the things others take for granted.
edit on 1-12-2015 by Revolution9 because: (no reason given)


+1 more 
posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:13 PM
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What did you expect God to do?

It seems arrogant to assume that He would pay special attention to you for some reason. Perhaps you ought to revisit Job.
edit on 1-12-2015 by ketsuko because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:14 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and troubles.

May you find that which inspires you to happiness and gratitude in the world, a balm for your bruised spirit, and a place to free that small bird, hope, that lives in our chest.

peace,
AB



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:14 PM
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a reply to: Deny Arrogance

But, but they are our allies and a good Islamic Sharia theocracy. Especially when it comes to propping up the dollar and buying arms from the west.

To remain on topic, every person must find what is right for them spiritually and music does it for me.



edit on 1/12/15 by Cobaltic1978 because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:16 PM
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a reply to: Revolution9

Take it form someone who also went through the same thing. You don't have to fight your awareness about organized religion and your conditioning. Powerful stuff, takes a long time to get over the guilt placed on you for 'dis' believing.

The anxiety in you is the old way of thinking, refusing to let go. Don't fight that, it will fade with time. Its like smoking cigarettes your whole life and then trying to quit. Nigh impossible.

Be grateful you've been given the awareness. Don't engage with others trying to lay guilt on you for "heresy". Just shake your head in amusement, smile. Be patient, it took you a lifetime to get incorporated , it will take some time to get relief from the conditioning.

The same source of truth and wisdom within that showed you the fallacy will also give you new awareness, trust in that insight, it will come a little at a time on its own. Not from outside, but through within, the conduit of your soul.

Oh, and no need to tear up the Bible. Although written by men and misinterpreted, Jesus teachings about how to behave toward others and some other stuff are still valid. Give it some time and distance, then you can look at it again, unfettered by old mis / dis information.

For now shed the old cloak…



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:22 PM
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I hear you, I feel like i am in the same boat.
I sent you a PM BTW.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:24 PM
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originally posted by: ketsuko
What did you expect God to do?

It seems arrogant to assume that He would pay special attention to you for some reason. Perhaps you ought to revisit Job.


I know the lesson of Job. I have humbled myself total. I know I am just a silly mortal little creature. I am actually too weak to do anything any more. My nerves are in tatters.

I don't expect God to do anything for me as a special case. My life just isn't happening. I have to do something about it or I will end up in a very bad position. I have to be very careful as I am bi polar. I was treated very badly in Paris a couple of years back, quite mentally and physically abused. They do not realise just how much they messed me up there. The stories I could tell you about the way I have been treated. If I told you would not believe me that my family and so called friends could be so nasty and abusive. I have often got paranoid and though it was all deliberate and planned, but people are really just the unconscious agents. To them it is one thing to me it is another.

Oh well, rant over any way.

Just another crazy ATS guy boiling over.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:27 PM
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originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Revolution9

Take it form someone who also went through the same thing. You don't have to fight your awareness about organized religion and your conditioning. Powerful stuff, takes a long time to get over the guilt placed on you for 'dis' believing.

The anxiety in you is the old way of thinking, refusing to let go. Don't fight that, it will fade with time. Its like smoking cigarettes your whole life and then trying to quit. Nigh impossible.

Be grateful you've been given the awareness. Don't engage with others trying to lay guilt on you for "heresy". Just shake your head in amusement, smile. Be patient, it took you a lifetime to get incorporated , it will take some time to get relief from the conditioning.

The same source of truth and wisdom within that showed you the fallacy will also give you new awareness, trust in that insight, it will come a little at a time on its own. Not from outside, but through within, the conduit of your soul.

Oh, and no need to tear up the Bible. Although written by men and misinterpreted, Jesus teachings about how to behave toward others and some other stuff are still valid. Give it some time and distance, then you can look at it again, unfettered by old mis / dis information.

For now shed the old cloak…


Thank you. You and Rob are making sense to me. Thank you both so much. I knew ATS would be able to help. Believe me words from kind people who are not wanting to take means more to me than gold.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:28 PM
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a reply to: Revolution9

It's the internet so you could be trolling hard because you are bored. That's not an insult, just a bare statement of fact in this world.

Let's say you aren't?

Jesus, God and people on the internet can't make your life easier. They won't improve your fortunes and they won't reduce the negatives. The decisions you make in your life are yours and you can only test them by trying them out.

It sounds like you want someone to direct your life and guide you to success, self-esteem and social contentment. It'd be great if there was some infallible wise man or woman who could advise us on certain issues and guide us in the best directions. The reality is that neither God nor Jesus will do these things and us folk on the internet are no better either.

Whatever you're feeling will pass and that isn't to trivialise what you describe feeling. It's knowledge gained through extensive experience and these times do pass. They pass much quicker without the help of those three initials in your profile.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:29 PM
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a reply to: Revolution9

All right then, you have to do for yourself, but that again, isn't about God.

God will help you, but you also have to help yourself. Trust Him, yes, but understand that you can't just stop living and expect Him to pick you your tab.

Sooner or later there will be a door or a window or even just a manhole cover that opens, but you have to watch for it and take it. You can't passively sit there and expect Him to serve it all to you on a golden platter. This life is your test, but like anything He can only bring you to water, you're the one who has to take that drink.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:31 PM
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originally posted by: MadRob
I hear you, I feel like i am in the same boat.
I sent you a PM BTW.


Thank you. Yes, something you said the other day in a post really clicked with me. I think our experiences are similar. I have seen a few others here on ATS having this same thing happening.

Can you give me a couple of hours and I will read your message. I will get back to you. Just need to calm down.

Thank you guys. ATS has some very amazing people. I am sorry I have been a bit hard sometimes lately. I will cool off and treat you all much more gently.

Thank you so much.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:33 PM
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originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: Revolution9

All right then, you have to do for yourself, but that again, isn't about God.

God will help you, but you also have to help yourself. Trust Him, yes, but understand that you can't just stop living and expect Him to pick you your tab.

Sooner or later there will be a door or a window or even just a manhole cover that opens, but you have to watch for it and take it. You can't passively sit there and expect Him to serve it all to you on a golden platter. This life is your test, but like anything He can only bring you to water, you're the one who has to take that drink.



Thanks for your input, too. I wish I could be as strong as you. You are a very strong person I know that. Very bright, too.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:34 PM
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You sound very stressed. Please take care of yourself and don't do anything rash...out of anger or frustration.
Seek some professional help...and talk through your feelings and thoughts; It will help you.

We ALL struggle. Life is f'ing hard...and you're not alone in that; you're never really alone.

Venting is not a bad thing, but self-pity will hold you down...and keep you down.
ATS is a good place for the former, but not the latter.

Again, get some counseling for your anxiety.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:41 PM
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a reply to: Revolution9

As many people on ATS Know, I'm not a religious person. However, that being said, with all the nonsense going on in your life at the moment, perhaps now is not the right time to give up on your faith!

Never thought I'd say such a thing on ATS, but for the time being "Keep the Faith" and deal with the other issues in your life. Don't like the people around you? Move away, start again, what's the point putting yourself in harms way to be admitted to a facility when the problem is still there when you get out?

I hope things get better for you and as you've said there are many great people on ATS who you can chat with when your feeling down


If you ever need a chat bud, PM me!
edit on 1.12.2015 by flammadraco because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:42 PM
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When my young wife died of breast cancer I blamed and hated God....for many years.
After years of grief and anger, I realized that my reaction was all part of the healing process...and that God understood my anger and loved me enough to let me vent my anger towards Him.
He never left me alone...even though I treated Him so badly. In the end, He helped me help myself climb out of my grief process.



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:42 PM
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a reply to: Revolution9

Look I've been to some bad places in my life, but the trick is to realize what you can control and what you can't and work from there. Stop worrying about what isn't in your power. That is what you leave to Him. Maybe the answers you get there aren't always what you like, but letting go of that stuff let's you concentrate on what you can handle in yourself.

And you always have to start with loving yourself. That doesn't even mean you have to love (or even like) everything about yourself, but you need to love who you see in the mirror enough to present that face to the world.


edit on 1-12-2015 by ketsuko because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 1 2015 @ 02:43 PM
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a reply to: Revolution9

You'll be fine. What others here are saying 'clicks' with you because you have the same source of wisdom and truth within and through you.

Never thought your spiritual journey would go like this, huh?

Me neither.



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