Bored so I made a parody of american history. I'll make more if I see it getting a good amount of attention. I'm not sure if including curse
words that are censored is still frowned upon in these forums. I'll edit or remove the thread if there's any problems. Without further ado, here it
Long ago, when people gave a nanogram of a f*** about freedom, lived George Washington. Besides being the inventor of peanut butter, he also mildly
disliked the British. But as time went on, he looked past the British's faults and learnt the true meaning of friendship ...
Screw that noise! He declared war on those crumpet-eating bastards! Thus began the greatest war in all of American history, and one of the worst
films of Mel Gibson's career.
According to the most trustworthy of sources, an obscure wikipedia article dealing with the Revolution that was written by my father's only brother's
sibling's only son, the war began when Lexigram and Flight of the Concords were insulted by the older neighbor English kids from across the pond. The
teasing went on for forty, endless, agonizing seconds until Lexi and Con got pi**ed off and spread a rumour that the
guys-from-that-particularly-large-island-next-to-Ireland were batting for the same team. Wait ... I've just been told baseball didn't exist back
then. They were rumoured to be shooting eachother's hoops. Wha- ... are you ... basketball didn't exist either?! Screw this ... everyone thought
they were gay! Happy?
Therefore, since times were the most progressive they've ever been, the friends of Lexi and Con ganged up on the supposed arse-gobblers and brutally
dismembered them with the ends of their muskets.
News spread quickly that a large group of english homosexuals were murdered. Like hearing about an act of terrorism in the Middle-East, hardly anyone
bat an eye thinking that it was just some rowdy kids trying to find the meaning of life.
That is, until George Washington burst onto the scene and declared that he renamed the entire eastern part of North America "The United States of
America". There was some debate between Washington and his fellow co-conspiratirs on what the name would be. They drew up a list of suggestions, and
in typical american fashion they brought it to a vote.
The suggestions on this incredibly important list were as follows:
1. The Lordship of the Thirteen Original Colonies
2. The Rise of the Western Phoenix
3. 'Murica! (We believe that, yes, the exclamation point was included)
4. LOL U.S.A. FTW GTFO U.K.!!!!!?!!! (We believe Benjamin Franklin originally suggested this name. His progressive nature at the time is evident in
this forgotten title of what would be a great nation)
5. The United States of America (We believe that no one liked this name)
The vote was to be held three days from when the list was written. All the voters, fifty-two individuals in all, were divided into several
"districts". Each district would count for one vote.
The day of the vote finally arrived. George Washington's suggestion of "The United States of America" wasn't the favorite among the districts, and
this worried him tremedously. Miraculously, the name was accepted by the voters, and Washington could now call this new nation the U S of A!*
*(Despite reports from the time detailing Washington basically overseeing the entire voting process, "redrawing" and creating entirely new districts,
and threatening all the other voters by marching entire armies to their houses and shooting rounds into the foundations of those houses. In reality,
all the suggestions were tied except for the fifth one)
After this tedious debacle the founding fathers of our nation agreed to fight the British menace. Until they realized they still had to write a
Declaration of Independence. Damn.
Will Tim Jaffersun write the D.o.I before it's too late? Will George Washington fight off the Tea-drinking Menace from the Atlantic Lagoon? Will
the Assassain's Guild secure American Independence from the English Templars through covert and blatantly unrealistic means? Will Mel Gibson's movie
ever get a remake? Stay tuned sometime next week to find out!
edit on 25-11-2015 by Passerby1996 because: grammar is the bane of my
existence. If grammar were a person he'd be an Englishman wearing a voice distorting mask and would hate Batman for some reason. Yeah.