Ditching your parents

a reply to: makemethink

You sound like you have the same mother as me! All of her friends and the people around her say what a sweet lady she is, but she was physically, verbally and emotional abusive with her own family! However, I never closed the door on my mother, my dad passed away when I was 2, so the only parent I remember in my life was my mom.

I can go on and on about the abusiveness at the hands of my mother, but I always tried focusing on the "good things" she did. When my kids were born, I made it perfectly clear to my mother, I didn't want them to hear all the yelling and fighting I and my siblings grew up around. I also told her I didn't want to hear any of the negative criticizing she constantly engaged in during our upbringing.

I always made it clear she was welcomed in our house, but to keep those negative and harmful aspects at the door. I really think grandparents are valuable for a child's development as long as they're not verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. They should serve as a supportive role for you and your children.

If the grandparents negative aspects can't be controlled, than for the best interest of the child and your mental well-being is to cut-off ties. However before doing it, I would make it a point to explain to them why. If they cared about their grandchildren and respect your wishes as a parent, they will conform to your expectations. If not, It's adios amigos. Come back when you know how to respect my wishes and that of my children.

Through the years I and my siblings have had of hot and cold relationship with my mother. She's now a frail 94 year old women. Yet she was still full of fire at the age of 91! I feel more sorry for her now, because she never had the kind of relationship I wish she had with my children. She kept her distance because she felt the restraints put on her were more important than the feelings and respect for me and my kids.

You reap what you sow. That saying has certainly played out when it comes to my mom.

Dads a dope fiend that'll screw anybody over for money including his own son,and moms to busy devoting her life to "god" and because I'm not a goody two shoe Christian hypocrite that wont conform,she doesn't want anything to do with me,so the moral of post is the ones with warm loving parents don't take them for granted and do whatever you can to give that love back.

a reply to: Layaly

Eh, my parents ditched me a long time ago, and proceeded to convince the rest of my family to do so as well.
Things get lonely sometimes. It really would be nice to have real parents that actually care and have something to do with their grandkids, but life is also incredibly more peaceful this way.

Don't feel bad for making a choice in your life to stay healthy. Severely dysfunctional people are bad to have around. However, my advice would be to examine your situation very closely. Don't burn bridges that don't need to be burned either.

Life without any kind of support system makes things harder. I have my husband and two sons. They are the only people I can count on. It makes it tough for my husband and I to have anytime to ourselves. Once or twice a year, literally, I have to convince one of the very few people I trust to watch my munchkins.

I never had people to come over and help me out with an infant on hand, I never had anyone to even ask for advice. I've been winging it now for ten years. I flew into the city where my youngest sister lived when my youngest son was born. It took my four days to get her to call me back to make a dinner date at a restaurant so she could meet her nephew.

I guess what I'm saying, and this really does hit close to home a few days before Thanksgivng, it's important to have some people in our lives that we love and trust. Ideally your parents should be among those people. They are also human as well with their human faults. It's up to you whether or not you can put up with those faults. Don't cause yourself undue pain and suffering to keep destructive people around either.

Best of luck to you.

Edit to add.....
Sweetheart anyone crazy enough to do some of those things to you is too unstable to trust. I know from experience. People on that level don't change. You are your very own beautiful individual self! Don't let them use you, abuse you or change your ability to find happiness elsewhere in this world. Ridding yourself of that kind of destruction in your life will only FREE you to be truly happy and who YOU are.

She will always be your mom. You will always love her. Don't let her destroy you.
And as for that POS that she has decided to be with, he is her choice not yours. He should be of no consequence to you. I seriously suggest you involve the authorities if he threatens you again. By no means let him threaten your future by using your visa either.

originally posted by: Astyanax
a reply to: Layaly

Do not allow yourself to be estranged from your parents. They will get sick or die and then you will be prey to guilt, remorse and self-loathing for the rest of your life.

Why should you have guilt for cutting a cord to beings who do not love you and only manipulate you. If you give good things and only get bad things back then there is no need to feel guilty for disconnecting. It is ok to be neutral and disconnected to all souls in existence if they behave insanely. Cut the cord and just wait until the souls have grown up. Some souls will not grow up until they understand boundaries and have self awareness.

You might not love the current state a soul is. But you can love the potential of the soul that it can be given enough time to reflect and become self aware. You cannot have oneness with all souls since they are not ready. Oneness is several souls coming together in symbiosis. Not one soul trying to be symbiotic to another soul that is responding with ego parasitic behavior. That is not oneness. That is abuse.

a reply to: LittleByLittle

Why should you have guilt for cutting a cord to beings who do not love you and only manipulate you.

Why should you? I don't know. But it happens, as many who thought they could escape it by just walking away have found out to their cost.

It's just the way we're constituted. And love is a complex thing.

a reply to: Astyanax

I do love them by all means .. I think they are the way they are because they also had terrible childhood I don't know what the hell it is they are at heart not bad people (or at least to each other and animals they even did charity) yet they are ruthless (?! Best word I can find)

On another level also they morals values are just yeah you would throw up hearing it

eg we driving my mums bf looks at a black girl (Australian African who knows anymore)

He goes to my mum

"Look how black that monkey is .. At least cover the legs" haha we are both meant to laugh

like a zillion stories any normal person you would think they have very bad black humor but no

If you are strong enough to face life without them, then do so. ASAP.

That is, being strong enough to cope mentally, financially and emotionally.

I left home at 16 with no idea how hard it would be to get by on a teenager's wages. I've starved and lived in a damp bedsit with mice as the nightly entertainment. (love mice).

Mentally, I had to learn to be strong and how to cope with loneliness and having absolutely no-one in the world who cared about me.

Emotionally? Well, I went to visit my mother when she was dying. I got word that she'd finally started to make a serious effort to find me. And here is where I take Asytyanax's point. A great weight did lift after that visit. She noticed it and mentioned it as I was leaving.

So - can you cope on your own? Carry the weight and deal with life? If so, dump the rotten, bleeding pair of them and just make sure you visit your mother to say 'goodbye' on her death-bed. You might find, as I do, that years later you can start to understand her and forgive her. But, you will have had those years at peace away from her and growing into your own person.

a reply to: Layaly

...I think they are the way they are because they also had terrible childhood...

One of my parents (and to some extent both of them) had a horrible childhood. I recognized that when I was very young. It helped me keep everything in perspective for the rest of my life - and not just with my own family

I also understand the step parent situation very well. There's a whole range of emotions that comes with that. Sometimes even when they're family it's never quite family

Money is an issue - otherwise you wouldn't be wondering what to do. Money can make it possible for you to have a certain amount of personal freedom - which you absolutely must have if this is going to work out

If this were my problem, I would focus on what ever it is that I needed to do to protect my comfort zone while still having them in my life on a regular basis

The stories tell me .. You are all alive being beautiful and still have the strength to give me advice so I am hopeful (? possibly wrong term)

the only way for me to get the courage to tell them
Is me making some time of commitment here to someone
I am not here to waste your time or just talk for no reason
No one knows this (well 2 people maybe) I don't open up about this I am even embarrassed I am loosing it here like this

I am not meant to be disrespectful to people who lost they parents
I can not imagine them being ill or dying suddenly or anything like that

I need to do this and I need encouragement to do so
I need someone to make me cause I can't cope anymore (it's not emotional so much either so please don't think I am a sad sack)
I did hear about support groups but yes this is all such a gross feeling I want to disappear from this planet it's great to know I just ran out of time to seek such support.. nothing can break me I know it's just yeah

I am half way through these posts
you guys btw wow I don't know what to say it's kind of overwhelming strangers care
I am trying to stay rational yet I am panicking so I am taking my time
I wished I could keep u guys here through this

I want someone to ask so how did it go and me saying I have done this you guys
I can't find a win win situation it's been too long

I have noticed a question yes I am independent

Life story
Earned money from 18-21 to have enough for ticket and to start a life to get the hell away .. Just came to au from eu on my own at 21 (29 now they moved here last month unexpectedly )and I don't do friends for coffee or gossip so

I will try to shut it calm down
I don't talk this much

the stories here are just mind blowing

you are all incredible people

I need someone to make me cause I can't cope anymore (it's not emotional so much either so please don't think I am a sad sack)

I'd make you

No courage required to tell them anything. Get yourself and your stuff together and move away. Far Away.

They are very practiced oppressors and manipulators and you don't sound as if you stand a chance if you speak up for yourself. So just bugger off and leave them to work out that you've run away.

Deal with the fallout at your leisure - It'll only be your fallout. Not theirs.

I know from experience how people can become larger than life in your mind - I spent years worrying that I would be found. I used to have escape plans in case I saw them walking up the street after I got lost in the City. At the end of the day they are just people, but people who wield a disproportionate amount of power. So disappear.

Can life completely on your own really be any worse?

a reply to: berenike

Thank you berenike .. I have so much respect for you guys already.. But knowing about you on such a deep level is just yeah .. wow.. I am going backwards now reading the posts

I will have my freedom finally

I am not unappreciative person either.. nore being sentimental (like I said I do love how my life shaped me wouldn't change anything up until this point .. No more lessons to be learned in that respect)
we had no money till she found someone
I do have those stories (eating mouldy bread cause we had nothing) when I came here I ended up in several life sh** on a bench too (yaycks) But I like survival skills

Thank you for reaching out
Each sentence engraved in my head

a reply to: Layaly

If you have money for a ticket and the ability to be independent, then take it!
Pick a place you have always wanted to explore and just simply wander for a moment. The world is a pretty incredible place if you are careful not to put yourself in harms way. It's sounds as if you are in harms way from what you say.

This is just my opinion as a random person so take it for what it is too. I wandered until I found my love and started to build my very own family. I was homeless and hungry many times. Sometimes by choice. I really lived though, I made lifelong friends that are scattered to the winds. And I experienced something different to teach my children. That was the most important to me. The need to change the cycles we find ourselves in is important.

I still see my parents too. Sometimes once every several years. I had to fly out of state recently to see my mom due to a major surgery. I still love her, but I can't change her. They are not a part of our life by their own choice.

Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Best of luck.

originally posted by: Astyanax
a reply to: LittleByLittle

Why should you have guilt for cutting a cord to beings who do not love you and only manipulate you.

Why should you? I don't know. But it happens, as many who thought they could escape it by just walking away have found out to their cost.

It's just the way we're constituted. And love is a complex thing.

Yes feeling love/belonging and unity is very complicated here. I am myself more introvert than extrovert.

Maybe it is a social conditioning of not feeling self worth worth is you cannot connect with your family. If we assume that your soul moves on to another experience then sooner or later you/me and everyone else will get a chance to fix whatever need fixing. It is good to fix whatever need fixing as soon as possible, but if you are in a situation where you cannot do anything about it, it might be better to just let it go and handle it later when you get an opportunity and not worry about it.

Sometimes it is good to stand still for a while before taking the next step or crawling the next step. Rome was not built in a day.

Namaste

Sorry to hear about your situation. Earlier you said: "I was told to forget them if I don't 'obey' ". That's coming from them, not from you. If they're demanding things from you that you would never ask of them, you have no obligation for that; family or not. If you've offered support and where taken advantage of, and you have no reason to expect a different outcome, then you've already done what you could.

It sounds like they don't need you. If they don't want to treat you as family it's their problem. If they do want a relationship with you as family, you can do that without them taking advantage of you.

I wish you well.

thank you guys for being here..
it means the world

the posts are truly priceless
Weirdly they are not sad but beautiful .. i need to snap out of you guys being so good
Seriously but!! I wished I felt angry or had rage to face it

a reply to: LittleByLittle

It is ok to be neutral and disconnected to all souls in existence if they behave insanely. Cut the cord and just wait until the souls have grown up. Some souls will not grow up until they understand boundaries and have self awareness.

I don't fully understand can you please explain more

The understand boundaries bit

If we assume that your soul moves on to another experience then sooner or later you/me and everyone else will get a chance to fix whatever need fixing.

This too.. if you can I would appreciate it..

I am trying to understand why is this the way it is
It's not normal the way they act and why is this such a difficult thing to do for me to say no.. i wished I knew why are they doing what they are so I can address that .. but i have no idea.. I don't understand how can someone be so manipulative or so disrespectful (they have everything but want more and more too) .. What do they need to stop !? If it was someone else I would say just let it be.. Yet I can't process that

And again thank you.. I don't want to drain you but sorry
*everyone

originally posted by: Layaly
I wished I felt angry or had rage to face it

Maybe you can get buy without that. You can say with love that your here for your mother as a daughter. That doesn't mean they can use your green card or take over your home. If they're asking you to be apart of something that doesn't involve the love and respect of family, just tell them that's not what family is for.

originally posted by: Layaly
a reply to: LittleByLittle

It is ok to be neutral and disconnected to all souls in existence if they behave insanely. Cut the cord and just wait until the souls have grown up. Some souls will not grow up until they understand boundaries and have self awareness.

I don't fully understand can you please explain more

The understand boundaries bit

And again thank you
*everyone

No Problem

There is the idea of unconditional love that pushes people to love regardless of how they are treated back. This can create a situation where a soul blindly accepts hurt from others and allows itself to the the victim since it is supposed to show unconditional love.

You can have unconditional love where even if another soul fall you still love them. But that do not mean you should at the same time allow a soul to treat you badly.

It is ok to be neutral and disconnected to all souls in existence if they behave insanely.

This means that it is ok to reject all company with souls if they behave insanely (unsymbiotic/ego parasitic behavior) regardless how many they are.

Self awareness is about measuring yourself (with your consciousness) and seeing what you do objectively and not letting the subjective ego be hypocritical, like for instance allowing yourself to do immoral things because it is you. The more self awareness the more understanding of how your actions affect others and what you want.

If your mothers boyfriend had been self aware and had emapthy towards animals, he would have seen his insane actions for what they were and would probably had been appalled, that he did them and would be filled with sorrow since he would have known the pain caused both to the animal and to you.

The rest is about restoring balance between souls. In this case I would assume you are the ones that they need to restore the balance to so you do not have to worry about that. They seem to have over inflated egos (only care about the I) and that normally mean no self awareness at all and lack of empathy since they cannot put themselves in another ones shoes.