I miss you

I think of you in the mornings.
Especially on Sunday. Sunday was a special day.
We did not hurry along on that day, we took our time.

You read your Bible while I cooked your breakfast. You always loved when I cooked for you. Your hands would tremble while you raised the spoon to your mouth. You would look up to see if I was watching you. While you ate, I gathered your fresh and clean clothes, powders, lotions, and such.

I would peel your clothes off as you were unable, now, to lift your arms. I would see the flesh that once held muscles of a strong woman who worked in the gardens and kept the big house. Who cared for us through the years.
I would take you to the bath.
I would put you in the chair and start the water. Not too warm now.
You would wash as you were able, I would always rinse your hair for you.

You never wanted to give up any independence but, at times you were so weak.

I would wash your foot on the leg that refused to move anymore. When you were done, and the chilly air was enough we would dry you off and take you from the chair to another that was waiting.

I would dry you off and powder you up. You were always concerned about the nephrectomy scar. We would put on your face cream. No one believed your age! Put your new and fresh clothes on and dry your hair.
Your skin was so thin, just draped across your bones. I would ask if you liked your hair. You always said it was perfect!

You were so proud when you came out of the bathroom. Everyone told you how pretty you looked.

You and I would spend the day. Reminiscing, looking at photos, planning dinners, dreaming. Oh I miss you so…
I can smell your perfume today. It isn’t Sunday. Why are you so heavy on my mind…always.

I talk to you every day. But, you don’t answer. Where are you?
Where are you?
Can’t you see that I need you now?
Can’t you feel it?
Is all that’s left is this pile of ashes?
Is this it?
What am I supposed to do?
Without you?

Sad. Who was she?

a reply to: geezlouise

Ahhh, sweet girl she was Mom.
She was everything, the reason I was born...

You will be that woman to someone some day, and you will be fantastic...

You are already!

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I KNEW IT! This is very lovely. And well, I can only hope that I have a you who loves me when I'm old and stubborn and refusing to give an inch of independence.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Beautiful !

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Beautiful !

That was so touching! I lost my Mom too. So sad with only memories and no Mom to hug when you want or need to. Loved this!

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Of course, I am so sorry for your loss.

There is nothing that I can say that can make it any easier for you.

I can only tell you how I personally have managed to survive losing those that were EXTREMELY close to me.

It's been five years since I first had to say goodbye to not one but TWO individuals that I loved more than anything.

I hurt often, still, to this day. It's like a wound that never heals. I miss them. My heart breaks each and every time I think about it.

The only thing that lets me get by is this thought...

If someone has to suffer the agony of missing someone.... I'm glad It's me suffering and not them. I love them so much and I would never want them to feel the loss that I feel... the emptiness that I feel without them.

I love them so much I am glad that it is ME hurting instead of THEM feeling this way.

I apologize if my rambling didn't convey what I wanted it to.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

(I HATE "hang in there" but I lack the vocabulary to do much better).

I had posted something on my facebook page that I found. It said, "My Mother taught me everything except how to live without her." It still makes me cry.

Has your Mother passed away recently?

This is beautifully heart wrenching. It reminds me all too much of my grandmother, who passed away last April. She's been on my mind a lot lately, too. Been dreaming about her, like she was before she became so frail. I love those dreams, to see her as she really was, not what age turned her into. I miss her.

Thank you for sharing this. Not only does it show your love and devotion to your mother, but it serves as a reminder to those who still have their mom (or dad) to cherish what we have.

Hugs to you.

a reply to: eluryh22

(I HATE "hang in there" but I lack the vocabulary to do much better).

I think your vocabulary is just fine!

Thank you for your words and I completely understand your feelings of it being "you" and not "them" feeling the pain.

It hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks...that is how it happens. I'm strolling along and wham, the "wound" opens and begins to bleed and there is no stopping it.

Sometimes, I listen to music. Just to get it out.Sometimes it helps. Yesterday, I had to write it down. Felt compelled to.
The white screen wasn't enough, I had to send it somewhere. Had to release it.
I know this is a "conspiracy" forum and I am NO writer but, I am so grateful for the outlet!

One song, that helps me along:


This song wasn't written about a physical death but, it was written at a low and dark season of her life.
It certainly helps me along at times like this.

a reply to: Night Star

That quote is so true!
You are very sweet.

In terms of "eternity" I lost her very recently.
She did in August of last year, and it was quite sudden and tragic and I suppose I never have digested it properly.

I remember your thread when your Mom passed...so touching...death and the afterlife (if there is one) is something that is so natural but, so unclear so mysterious so I don't know scary.

I haven't told anyone this but, when Mom was in the process of dying (she was home with me) she was very restless and had just that morning stopped trying to get out of bed. In the last few days her 105 pound frame had superhuman strength and it was all I could do to keep her safe. She had always been handicapped and in those final days it was as if she had forgotten she was unable to just get up and take off walking.
She was reaching for things. I've read that some say it is a curtain or a veil that they (the one's leaving) are reaching for.

She would sob. We (I) would talk to her. I was trying to comfort her the day before and I told her she would be seeing Dad soon and all of her family. That we would miss her but, they have missed her too. Things like that. I told her I was sorry I couldn't save her. I had found out too late to help. She clenched her jaw and shook her head violently back and forth as saying NO. I laid beside her and held her and sobbed with her.
I'm sure her pain was excruciating as her only kidney had stopped working. She was swelling. The morphine was a feeble attempt at relief I am sure.
Thank you Night Star!

a reply to: chelsdh

YES!
You must cherish the one's that you have.

Everytime my daughter goes out at night ( no one knows this) I am on pins and needles until she comes home.
I can't imagine surviving another loss. I pray I go next, that may sound nuts but, I don't think I can survive losing another person that I love with my entire being. I love them to my bones.

I am sure it's the darn holidays coming up that are sending me in a tailspin. I'm going to take my girls out today and enjoy some alone time with them, look at the Christmas stuff going up already all over town.
I think we will get an extra Christmas Angel from the Angel Tree this year and give a child something special...doing nice things for others who don't even know you can sometimes break this spell of "the blues".

We are going to try it anyway!

a reply to: Aeshma

Thank you!
I do NOT possess your skill of language so, thanks!

I am one who "blurts" things out for sure.

My thoughts are with you Honey! HUGS!

a reply to: TNMockingbird

No sweety, ashes are not all that is left, there is a connection that goes beyond, the soul is attached to you and anytime you want to communicate you can. The human condition is predisposed to human constructs, allow your spiritual being to guide you, death is an illusion.

The worst time to post this(I didn't spell check, I also semi want you to read this semi don't I just wanted to say this) This .. I will not have the correct words but thank you for writing it I am still processing it (it's so sadly beautiful)

As we are all chatting here my best friend is calling and messaging me about her mum she is in coma (her liver failed and she had too many heart surgeries) so there is only that much that can be done

My best friend is the only close person I have had in past 10years same for her (her father did you know what she took him to court but nobody would speak up for so she doesn't have family or friends either)

Why am I typing this ? I want to just switch it of somehow !! I want to be elsewhere so desperately !! She keeps on saying all these things I can't handle (never had this type of experience in my entire life) reading your thread was yeah thank you I can semi digest what is happening on my end

Sorry to do this to you right now I don't want to be acting weird (but this is the reason on top ATS lol so I am going through hurricane of emotions when I want to be feeling only one

Please don't reply( my guess is that you would so just saying upfront)

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Hey girl...I only just found this.
Wow. Please don't say that you're not a good writer...you're a great writer!

This was painful to read.
You know that I look after my mama-in-law every day, and that she has aggressive dementia/Alzheimer's.
I have come to love this woman and it's really awful to watch her slowly shutting down.

Sometimes I don't want to go over there...sometimes I don't want to feel all that pain and emotion that I feel. What's even worse is knowing that soon she will be gone.
Thanks for reminding me that for now, I still have time to keep showing her kindness and love.

jacy xoxo

the OP i really want to put words to it but I just cant (this took me 10 min to write omg and the below 20 ! sheesh )

a reply to: jacygirl

I like your reply a lot but grrr meow I just snapped myself out of the thought then I read your reply (don’t get me wrong like I said its beautiful)

I have come to love this woman and it's really awful to watch her slowly shutting down

one thing I cant get out of my head my friend called hysterically crying that her mom is turning really yellow.. panicking..then she called how they will try to wake her from coma slowly with morphine and more stuff i just cant (me and her mum just last week shared a chip by the pools talking about Cameron Diaz pregnancy laughing. then from one day to another she called me confused asking where is she , where is her medication, why is it black outside and why no one woke her up and then it just went from there) SOORRRYYYYYY

a reply to: realnewsrealfunny

Hi,
I'm sorry...that sounds bad.

If someone is "yellow", it could be jaundice...or liver problems. (sorry, is she in a hospital?)

Part of getting older is learning how to look after other people. I've raised 3 kids, now I'm looking after an 89-year-old woman. It takes patience, love and empathy to do a good job.
I hope your friend can be strong.

jacy