a reply to: Metallicus
Now after thinking about he, he does have a way to make me feel sorry for him.
When he has took contact with me again, after he says how he misses me, misses all the things we had and all the sexual stuff and sexual memories and
I ask, why did you just say ok when I broke it off, why didn't you put an effort in to understand why I wanted to break it off or try and stay in the
relationship, his response always is similar to:
I felt so hurt that you wanted to break up, I thought you had made up your mind so I didn't think anything I said would change your mind. I love you
so much and always have and always will.
Similar to that, because I know I always felt sorry for him when he had explained it. But, it's the same everytime, words and no action, it's the same
with every break up.
He has bad hygene, he showers but he doesnt care about what he wears, it can be dirty clothes, even when we have been out walking, or once or twice in
the city, one big nono was when I realized he doesn't brush his teeth, that sickened me, since I haven't wanted to kiss him anymore.
I am afraid he might go violant over the years, it's just something in me that tells me to watch out.
Some people wonder why I let the contact begin again after blocking him out of my life.
Well, because I have this weird love for him, I can't get rid of it, maybe it is more of a friendship love... I have never had male friends so I don't
know what that is like, that's the only conclusion I have come up with as for now, because it is not a partner type of love, it can't be.
I dont like the drama, it's just, I don't have anyone new in my life and I want really want a family life, I ignore him for very long, months and so
on but then I type Happy Christmas or Happy New Year, something small as a response to him. Then it takes off, I guess it's a comftarble thing more
than a drama thing.
Yes, because when we have sex it feels like I have to give him sex because I don't want to have sex, he can get very... IDK you have to be there to
see it, his eyes changes, it's spooky.
We are both 29 years old. I would bet if I felt safe and relaxed with my man and felt no pressure I would most def have more sex, no doubt in my mind
about that. But as for now and bacically since the second time and until now since we've been together, the pressure, I am talking about someone who
just cant take a no or a hint that not now.
Every time we meet this is how it is.
He comes over, hug and a kiss. We talk some, he pet my pets, goes to the sofa, watch tv. Everytime.
Those times I have tried to make some fun when we just are at home since he doesnt want to do anything else, I might bring up the cards or a game, his
response everytime is: Strip poker, even with board games, the one who looses should strip.
I say no, I want to play a normal game.
We watch tv, I have made it so he is at one end and I the other, it always begin with a small touch, then he comes closer, closer, then he begins to
stroke me on certain areas, while just me watching tv, then he takes my face to kiss him, sometimes I let him have one small kiss which always ends up
with him keeping my face there not letting go until my dog barks, keeps stroking me.
Other times I just ignore him or tells him I want to watch this show, I can even have my computer or phone, anything to show I don't want to have sex.
His cuddeling ALWAYS is a sex thing and not cuddle.
Then he begin to get annoyed and says, it has been so long, I miss your touch, I miss our sex and look so sad.
If this only happened once in a while okay, but it is like this everytime and it begins within an hour of him coming inside the door, it never stops,
I literally have to keep saying no but most often my dog comes in the middle and makes it all stop.
He is glued to my hip, I walk to the kitchen, he comes after and grabs me and start to kiss and touch me, I can't move.
It is NOT normal! Bathroom time is my private time haha!
And I can most def see in his face how annoyed he gets when he doesnt get any sex or when I say no.
From other people inlcuding women who I have asked over internet about this they just says men are men.
But I keep thinking back to my other boyfriends and they were nothing like that.
This is the first time I actually see this very clear and like someone else wrote, when writing this I see it even more. I am thinking OMG, how could
I have let it get this far.
He seem also to get worse for each year.
Yes, friends with benefits was a mistake, but I was also 23 at that time, just ended it with my previous boyfriend and didn't want a relationship at
that time. But after a while I did fall for him.
I havent seen him now for almost 3 weeks because I really had to think about this and last time we were together my emotions, I just wanted him gone,
I don't feel safe with him and when he said "I long to make a baby with you" "I wonder what it feels like to make a baby and come inside you".
Someone who wants a baby should say, I long for us to have a baby and how it would feel like to have a baby.
And say these things NOT during sex. That I swear, when he said it like that I felt as if all he ever said since day one had been a lie, to drag me in
to his web. I felt sick to my stumache. It broke my heart.
And last week I told him to stop texting me and stop writing to me so much. (it's almost as if he is trying to brainwash me with his words.) He
stopped one evening and to this day he keeps writing. And when i don't write back he writes are you ok, i miss u, i love u, its so lonly without u.
Not one time, not twice but maybe 5-6 times a day.
He dont know what talk is, you should be able to talk about everything and anything with a man, he only want to talk about memories of us, 98% is sex
and then talk about sex. We don't really talk about much other things, I do, I try very hard to talk about other stuff but he's like, aha... Sometimes
he talks about his job but it is the same story everytime we meet, nothing new happening?
This begin to feel like a long rant, I was going to keep it short but it ended up long, hehe. Sorry.
But, to ya'll, it did help a lot to write this and I do see it now as I am typing and when I am reading it.
I will NOT go back to him. These 2 last times were big mistakes, I am glad we only been seeing each other for 4 months this time around so not too
much time wasted. But it is over and I will keep strong this time. I will write a damn memo if I have to to remind me about all of this so I don't
fall for his trap if he ever contacts me again.
But I will block him from social media and my phone. I am tired of all of this!