DEPRESSION it can happen to ANYONE and turn to something more serious overnight AND an Apology!

First of all before I write this post I owe a couple of people an apology (you know who you are!). I'm sorry for making you into a monster, I've read the messages. Thank you. The brain is a strange thing it can make you believe things are far more sinister than they really are which has led me to this post.

To start with a little background to me. I've always had ups and downs in life, that's life. However, since having my child those ups and downs have changed to coasting along or steep drops. When I first started with the down days I consulted my doctor. I knew my mental health wasn't something to just trivialise because I have quite of lot of experience in that area because

1 I trained to be a Counsellor 15 years ago. I am trained in Person Centred Therapy and have studied Carl Rogers the founder of it. Part of that training is you have to look at your own demons and go through hours and hours of your own therapy. You also have to learn how to see depression in others and learn to draw out that person's inner demons in a non-judgmental, congruent and empathic way.

2 My sister, the most fun, kind, gentle human being you could ever come across had a psychotic breakdown when she was in her thirties. I saw how she gradually lost her spark. She was the mother of three children. She had a lovely husband. She had a lovely home. When you walked into her house you walked into warmth, love and happiness. She was a natural mother who adored her children. One of those children eventually went to Oxford University, Christchurch to study law (a great achievement coming from a working class background!) and is now a barrister and her other two children are now high fliers one a Deputy Head at a Secondary School, the other an Accountant. I'm explaining what her children turned out to be because besides their own hard work, the rest came from her support with school work (even when she was at her illest) and love. However, things began to change. After losing her spark she became obsessed with the safety of her children. At the time it was all over the news about burgers and mad cow disease, the Dunblane school children being murdered and accusations that Michael Jackson was a paedophile. Every time I saw her it was all she talked about. I didn't know that much about mental health at that time. I knew something wasn't right but didn't realise the extent. Partly because I lived in the North and she in the South. Over time she stopped buying newspapers and wouldn't have them in the house. She then got rid of the television because she didn't want to see the news (partly why the children buried their heads in their school books so maybe a good thing!) and bit by bit she cocooned herself in the house and began drinking an odd lager at night. To cut a long story short this went on for years and her husband and children lived in a house which was no longer warm and loving but had become a living hell. It all came to an head when her eldest son got a part in a national production at 13. He had to be away from home to travel up and down the Country and a chaperone was put in place. When I called her to congratulate her, she told me to stop speaking on the phone because she thought her phone calls were being listened to. My mum and I travelled down and were met by a crazed woman who wouldn't speak to us but was writing to notes to us because she thought the air fresheners were bugged. She thought she was being followed by men with guns and she believed helicopters and planes flying over were watching her. We rang the doctor and he confirmed she had had a breakdown. He put her on medication but she so far gone by now she wouldn't take them because she thought her family (my mum, my sister and I) were part of a big conspiracy and also by now she had started to drink to self-medicate. Her husband left eventually with the children. We tried to get her the help with Social Services but were met with a brick wall. She eventually lost her home and was found walking the streets in her night dress disorientated and petrified. She was sectioned for 6 months and has been sectioned since. She now lives on the streets because she feels safer outside than inside (she will be 60 in April). Her children have to drive 100 miles every couple of weeks to search for her and report her missing to the Police. She has had three grandchildren she has never met. Her GP originally said he thought she had suffered with post-natal depression which hadn't been dealt with soon enough but I think this story alone shows how far depression can go.

3 My child's father has paranoid schizophrenia. I have known him nearly all my life, we were childhood friends from the age of 5. After I came back from working away for years I went to a nightclub and saw this handsome man looking at me. It was dark and after chatting he asked me to go out for a meal. When we got outside I realised who he was. I knew he had paranoid schizophrenia because I had been his friend when at 15 he had his breakdown. I saw him change from a fun loving, outgoing little boy to a shadow of himself. He became virtually a recluse and was known at school as a bit weird! Because of my experiences with my sister I wasn't afraid of the illness and also because I already knew the person behind the illness I agreed to go on a date. When I first went out with him it was like going home to something familiar and safe. I had travelled and worked away for years, trying to run away from past heartaches and he was what I needed at that time in my life, security. We lived together for 3 years and looking back I think it was more like a mother/son relationship. I had been told in my twenties I couldn't have children after several serious operations and it had broke my heart, it was part of the reason I went travelling, trying to run away I think. I wanted someone to love, I wanted someone who needed me and I wanted someone I could back together again. It worked and we were really happy. However, I did have a child, by IVF and he became the centre of my world, which is only natural for a mother. I hadn't got time to sit up every night rationalising with my partner or counselling him and things deteriorated. He stills see his child and he is a wonderful father when he is well but as a my child is getting older he is noticing the times when he isn't well, he has seen how he is with me when he is paranoid.

4 My mum has vascular dementia and I am her main carer. I am fortunate that she hasn't completely forgotten who I am but bit by bit I have become her mother and she is the child. She rings me constantly when I am not there, just to hear my voice because she feels so frightened if I am not there. I am constantly torn between my real child and my mother who has gone back to childhood. I feel like I have two children. One who lives with me (the favoured child) and one who doesn't (who has been the most important person in my life and who I love more than anyone in the world other than my child) .....to be continued can't write any more as wrote too much CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO REPLY TO PERSONAL MESSAGES?

At the very top of the page, 4th from the right, you will see a symbol that looks like a clock. Click on that and it will take you to your profile. The 2nd row of symbols on that page will have a envelope symbol, click that and you will see any messages. Click on the message to read it, then look for 2 little arrows, pointing in opposite directions, at the top of the message. Click the left one to reply.

Thank you.a reply to: DAVID64

Depression can be awful, but it's very misunderstood within our societies, which makes things ten times harder for the sufferer. I took anti depressants after a stroke last year and they kept me alive and kept me staying at the rehab hospital. I'm so glad the dr put me on them. I didn't want them at first, but the other options aren't worth thinking about. Having learned mindfulness over the last couple of years I'm in a much better position to control and understand my moods and anti depressants can work, don't believe all the negative stigma attached to them.

Don't let these boards and the members grind you down. It can be a horrible place and some of us can make it even worse.

Believe it or not, I also trained as a person centred therapist. I have a fair bit of experience with mental health and I think I understand a little of where you're coming from.

Plus you have taught some of us that these boards are everybody's and change should be embraced and handled respectfully.

Never forget that this is just the internet and in the real world people are very rarely as mean and forthright in real life.

a reply to: anxiouswens

I'm very sorry to hear about the health issues of your family members and loved ones - 2 of my immediate family members also suffer with similar issues. You can't possibly feel responsible for everyone - just do the best you can to be supportive and encouraging, and don't get down on yourself!

It sounds like you're very caring and family-oriented, you do great things for people on a daily basis, I bet anyway.

Keep your chin up

Please don't get yourself too wound up.

I read your thread yesterday and was disgusted with the attitude of some people towards you. It certainly wasn't my idea of an ATS debate. I felt sickened by the whole thing and went away to get a break from it.

I came back with the intention of reporting a couple of posts but, by then, things had calmed down and some of the offenders had become apologetic.

I didn't speak up in support of you because I don't believe in derailing a thread even further by taking on the offenders and I had nothing to add to the actual debate that you'd been hoping for. I'm taking my chance in this thread to tell you that I don't think you did anything wrong and, actually, don't think you have anything to apologise for.

You have every right to speak up about things that concern you and I hope you will continue to do so. Many people on ATS have issues and don't always come out to explain themselves as you have done. Some, I'm really beginning to think, maybe do have an agenda. Don't be intimidated into silence, you keep posting and speaking up as you see fit.

Opening up helps deal with those demons. I would say in future reference maybe break up the text into more digestible paragraphs. It helps other members not lose interest.

Good luck

a reply to: anxiouswens
You don't have to apologize. I looked at that thread. It was a really tough room. I have felt the same way on occasion, and just walked away from the thread. Lots of posts were removed, so it shows some bad things were said to you and about you, though the thread was not about you.

When you start to feel that way, it is time to close the site, move to another thread or just take a break, though. It's not really the place to announce how responses are making you feel, within that thread. I think the Mods do a good job of getting to something out of control and they did get on that thread.

This is the place though, and I am glad you did. You are under a lot of stress. I hope you are setting aside time for yourself and counseling for yourself

I remember when the day that my grandmother could not remember who I was. I was the first of her 14 grandchildren. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Much, much worse for my Aunt who cared for her until she died of alzheimer's, though. I can't even imagine the weight of it. You really need more caretakers for your mother.

Stay strong. Go out with friends. Remember to laugh.

a reply to: anxiouswens

Berenike, if I may... I was going to respond exactly but I see you've said it perfectly.

So allow me to simply say, "ditto 200%"!

Thank you anxiouswens (and thank you Berenike).

I am sure we have all experienced some kind of mental interruption in our lives, I certainly have, as have everybody I know.

It appears that it has always been a bit of a taboo subject and when I first experienced a bout of depression for the first time, I felt so isolated and disconnected from everyone in my life, family, friends and work colleagues.

However, after coming to,terms with it and focusing on the positives of life, I felt comfortable enough to start discussing it. First with family, then friends and eventually with work colleagues. To my surprise a very close friend of mine confided in me and advised that he had been on anti depressants for the last five years, which came as a shock to me simply because he always seemed so happy with a loving family. The more I talked to people the more they shared their own experiences with what Churchill described as his 'Black Dog'.

Depression is such a peculiar illness as many people seem fine on the outside, yet are fighting with it constantly, my close friend being a prime example of this.

I am not ashamed of my illness and I am not in the same place I was in when it seemed to consume me. Things can and do obviously get better, but it can seem like there is no escape from the enveloping mist.

Anyway, with regards to threads and the responses to them, people are people and we have such varying opinions. Remember an opinion is neither right or wrong, it's just someone's thoughts expressed in words.

I think you are extremely brave to share your story, and to come back and do so after some pretty harsh and uncalled for criticism in your previous thread is admirable.

I wish you well and hope you find your light and happiness again real soon !

a reply to: anxiouswens


You go girl I hadn't seen that other thread, so I went to it and

to be honest with you, apart from your posts along with a couple

of other members, the rest were just plain heckling.


I have related to many of your threads and posts and at least they

are presented realistically and logically....unlike many

from people who seemingly live in cloud cuckoo land


From personnel experience I can tell you *what doesn't kill you

makes you stronger* So don't let the bullies intimidate you or get

you down!

In the words of John Lydgate, later adapted by President Lincoln

You can please some of the people all of the time
You cant please all of the people some of the time, but
you cant please all of the people all of the time.