Hello ATS - I'm too busy these days to contribute to the site as much as I would like but not a night goes by when I don't catch up on all the new
posts, so I feel very much part of the community here, I'm just in the background somewhat.
I need some wise words, ATS, from someone who is able to be honest and is disconnected from the situation. To cut a long story short, I'm a mum to 4
lovely kids ranging fom 1-9 years old and was married for 10 years until my husband stopped supporting us financially (we lived in his countryI in
M.East at the time). So we moved back to the UK and he decided to move out to a 'bedsit' when our baby was 6 weeks old with other women taking his
interest. I was upset and maybe a bit vulnerable at the time but, without wanting to make myself out to be the hero, I held it all together for the
children and managed over the following year to carve myself a future which would give me and my children a brighter future.
I started volunteering for the Samaritans and got myself enrolled on a full-time degree in Psychotherapy which I am well into and love with a passion.
It's 3 years but will be well worth it and gives me time with my baby while he is little, along with a great earning potential when I qualify.
There is a divorce underway which he served on me. In the meantime, since he left well over a year ago, he has been coming regularly to my home and
has a key and pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. He does not financially contribute at all but collects the kids twice a week while I am at
University. He often lets me down and says he cant get away from work twice a week to collect kids so he is hugely unreliable and resentful of looking
after them except for the minimum times when he chooses.
He has been hostile to me in varying degrees and I have tried just to put up with it and ignore it as much as possible for the sake of keeping a
relatively stable environment for the kids. However three weeks ago he came over and thanked me for being there for him, for not giving up on him when
he was going through a rough patch (he lost spent all of his inheritance while we lived in Jordan and never went on to earn enough to support us) and
he wanted to make it up to us and work on getting back together. I was honest and told him I had buried my feelings for him in order to get through
the last year or so and would need time and reassurance, if ever, to feel anything again. He promised to wait for me and to earn my love again.
Things were ok for a few weeks, he looked after the kids more and seemed more stable in his mood. He cooked for us twice a week when he collected the
children and was quite loving. However he has always demanded a huge amount of sex and I realised I felt obliged, now and over the years, to let him
have his own way in order to stop the inevitable sulks that followed if he didn't get it. But I wasn't prepared to do that anymore.
I needed to feel valued as a person before sleeping together. But this became more and more of an expectation and it soon became clear that he
expected 'a reward', i.e. sex, for any help he gave me. So it only took three weeks or so of me saying no, as kindly as possible before he blew up. I
had extremely threatening voicemails left by him, angry confrontations and blaming me for the slightest thing that goes wrong (ie my son who is 4 had
a tantrum on the way to school - he blamed me for teaching his kids to disrespect him)
I have counselling as part of my degree and have realised that this is bordering on abusive behaviour. He is teaching the kids to say disrespectful
things to me ie I had my 4 year old call me a stupid woman the other day, v unusual for him and after a couple of hours with his dad.
Yesterday he demanded to meet me without the kids in order to discuss the situation, so I met him in a café. He was extremely angry at me for being
'cold' and disrespectful towards him. He was boiling over with hostility and I was glad we were in a public place and I felt relatively safe but I was
shocked at his resentment of me and for denying 'his needs' and he told me he intended sleeping with other women and it was over. He has gone back to
treating me like a piece of dirt on his shoe again.
I feel afraid of him but I don't know what to do. Money is tight, I need him to collect kids and take them to school twice a week when I go to
University. I don't much like leaving the kids with him but I know he would never hurt them physically.
If I take my house key back and tell him to stay away I know he will become aggressive or refuse to do so. I don't want the kids to witness any
hostility. I need his help with the kids or I don't know how I can carry on with my course due to no one being able to have the kids. I'm fed up of
trying to keep him sweet just so I can get the minimum of support from him.
I know I being weak ATS but I feel like a rabbit stuck in the headlights. I wish he would just go away but I need his help!! I don't know what options
are available to me - I cant afford childcare but I have to do this course, I'm so determined!!
I am fearful for my (ex) husbands mental health. He used to be very kind and had been a fairly good husband for 10 years but now he has become a
stranger and I don't trust him or know him anymore. I genuinely think he needs help but I am unable to have him get any. For now, I know he is
bullying me but I am putting up with it til I figure out what to do.
just to add, finally, yesterday, before our chat, to add insult to injury, he turned up in a car he has just bought himself. This stung because I am
currently car-less after my car broke down and the man who is fixing it has fallen ill so have not had car for 2 months. So it stung a bit when he
arrived in his own car and is quite happy now he is mobile once again, after 2 years of not being able to 'afford' a car. I don't resent him for
buying it, it just hurts that he is looking after himself more than his 4 children!
I need help to see a way to deal with this...Right now I'm stuck!
Thank you if you read all of this post
edit on 31-10-2015 by Lovely1973 because: (no reason given)