A shame I hadn't time to read these replies earlier...tonight was not a good night. I have handled this as best as I could, for over a year now, and
now with added pressure and sleep loss it's taking its toll. Tonight I was even angrier than the night before. Partly, I wasn't expecting her to come
in...the nice cashier works on this night, and she did. But the evil cashier came in to work with the sales tag women, tagging items for the new
sales. They always get in my way. I'm used to that. The evil cashier started working with them some of these nights a while back, and of course she
loved how it gave her the power to get in my way in different areas around the store. But I really didn't think she'd show up tonight. Me and her were
both told not to talk to the other or to confront the other, so what kind of sense would it make?? She came in, of course blocking me in areas where I
normally don't get blocked. I got angry. I didn't say or do anything, but I was angry. I worked angrily for some time after this. Honestly, I could
not help it. Too much strain is finally breaking me...I was never so offended in all my life, that after all I've had to put up with in this
ridiculous scenario it went to another extreme! I am not a human punching bag....I DO bleed...
It feels like I've been beaten, arms held back, and tarred and feathered. Joke's on me. All while everyone is telling me to keep taking and taking
it...I just can't anymore...there is more to this than I said before. For SIX MONTHS I was 'sick' (that is, very fatigued and kind of queasy.) It made
for an absolutely BRUTAL experience of forcing my sickly self through each day, on and on for half a year of my life! Talk about torture! I kept
thinking it was just some virus and it'll pass. But it didn't, so eventually I went to the hospital. I saw a number of experts and different tests
were done (they even had me wear a heart monitor.) Apparently, I had the heartbeat of an old man, so my doctor said. He sent me to an expert on the
body and mind. He went over all the findings, which were negative, and then asked if anything had changed recently. I told him about the evil cashier,
and how the first night she'd started at me was the same night when I began feeling fatigued. The connection was obvious.
I explained about my previous experiences with narcissists, narcissistic older women in particular, and it traced back to when I was a kid in grade 1
and my teacher abused me physically and psychologically. She would, for example, grab me and shake me violently every time I denied doing something.
Other kids started blaming me for all sorts of stuff, and after a while I learned to just accept the blame. I would even feel conscious guilt. This
problem persisted into my 20's, of reacting with guilt whenever I was either accused of something or if someone looked at me suspiciously (which
caused many complications in my social life over the years.) So, the expert concluded that my inner child is broken. He put me on anti-depressants. I
had been weeding my way off of anxiety meds, and was just about off them, but the scenario with the evil cashier flared my anxiety up, and to his
perspective I was suffering from sub-conscious social anxiety. Well, the pills did work and I was a lot more out-going, connecting better socially to
the people at work. I've been more open with my family, and even hear as I write this. I call them brave pills lol
Anyway, the point is, when she attacks me it's attacking an old problem of mine, and a lot of old feelings resurface. I've fought against this for a
while now, but lately, with everyone kinda looking at me, more cameras, some people seeming judgemental of me, it takes me back to when I was picked
on my teachers and students. I am strong, proud and have a lot of self-discipline, but there is a crushing feeling lately, a feeling of being crushed
under too much psychological weight.
Anyway, so yes, tonight I worked angrily. The edge of the squeegee to my auto-scrubber even struck (lightly I hope) the sneaker of one of the tag
women. She sort of laughed about it and I smiled apologetically. She seemed okay. So yeah, now it could be said that I DID ...what, touch...hopefully
not hit someone with my equipment...this comes from being frustrated and overtired...I make lots of split-second decisions while working, determining
if I have enough room to make it past someone or not. I usually don't like getting that close to anyone, and will either wait or go around them
instead, but I was blocked from proceeding with my job. She was not moving even though I was there, machine roaring...so I made a bad decision. After
that, all the tag women disappeared. Between that incident and my bad mood (and likely my noticeable dislike of the evil cashier being there,
intentionally getting in my way,) I began wondering if they were having a secret meeting of their own. Maybe the evil cashier got them all on her side
about me being such a rotten person. Maybe she got them all feeling I was against them as a group and wanted them the f**** out of my way (as she has
said of me before.) Well, if this looks that way, then so be it...if I get fired for having an attitude after a year of abuse and being watched and
working around a lunatic who might get herself injured at any time and plays mind games with me, then so be it. I'll have a good laugh when I hear a
bad attitude excuses me being fired, compared to what all SHE'S gotten away with!
I never, ever even touched anyone with any of my equipment before, not even my broom...I was just thinking exactly THAT the other day, and then
THIS...which of course helps HER...too predictable. Like I told my boss a week or two ago, the longer this goes on the more it'll help HER because all
the evidence is on my side and as I get more used and abused, and overtired, I'm bound to screw up...
Every day that goes by when I don't call the police or/and labour board I feel more foolish...
I'm just tired, fed up, at the end of my tether. I feel too bruised and battered to give any more blood in this fight...maybe it would be best if they
did fire me...maybe I need to be removed because I'm too stubborn to leave because I want a just resolve that I'll never get...
5-11-2015 by LoneCloudHopper2 because: (no reason given)