a reply to: WalkInSilence
Sorry I didn't update. I actually thought people were probably tired of me ranting or complaining lol Well, that and there isn't much to say yet...I
am still waiting...judging by your comment I assume this would surprise you as it does me, that after all this time, and how serious it's become, that
I: A. Am still waiting for a meeting. B. Still have not been told what all, and precisely, I've been accused of. C. Still pushing through each night
with all of my strength...
Added to which the bridge I walk over is now in repair for 2-4 weeks and so my walk to and from has been lengthened by 10-15 minutes. joy. some nights
I have to force myself to get home. even last night I barely got any sleep.
I plan to call my boss when I get up this evening and ask what is going on...in as nice a way as I can without being fake...
As for recent events, the night before this last one was odd. A security guard called the foreman and assistant foreman to the storefront and they met
with the third-in-charge and the three of them went upstairs, either to have a secret meeting or possibly to go over camera footage. Lately there are
men putting up all kinds of wires and the amount of cameras in the stores seems ready to double. It was possible that they'd put hidden cameras up
recently. The evil cashier was quite worried and upset that night. I was so hoping that they'd catch her in a lie about me and that she would be fired
for it...but, I really don't know what that was about for sure, and I haven't asked. I've been quiet, head down, talking politely to people now and
again on pleasant topics.
Still...I was so hoping she wouldn't be in there tonight, and she was...and the same old games: the usual blocking me at cash isles, but also cleaning
before I got to the dining area. She realized recently that I will clean a fair distance around her so that she can't as easily accuse me of injuring
her--or actually manage to get herself injured--so now she is expanding her zones, forcing me further away from places...plus she keeps customers
talking at her cash isle when I need to clean it, just for fun...etc.
I got angry tonight, but not with her (although I'm sure she took delight in thinking this,) but at management. More than anything I so badly wanted
to abandon my burnisher and just walk out. But, I can't afford to do that...I also want to tell me my boss when we speak again that I refuse to work
with her another night, but, I can't afford to do that...so, I must hold on. People at work feel sorry for me but they're also a bit humoured by it.
They have NO IDEA what this has done to me...it takes so much strength to get through each day, so much focus to relax myself and get sleep at night.
I feel very deeply and people often fail to grasp this about me...when I hurt, I hurt deeply. tonight I actually had some suicidal thoughts, but don't
worry, I'd never do that to me or my loved ones. I'm just tired of the pain. All my life has been a fight. And it's so damned random, pointless. I did
everything to stand up to this woman and so far, she's still coming in...it's okay to lie about me, push me around? It's okay to bound my arms behind
my back so I can't fight back against her? It's okay to expect me to keep taking it and taking it and taking it..?
needless to say, I will be looking for another job. I can't handle this. I really like my job. I know from experience how nightmarish jobs can be, but
then, of ALL my jobs this one has been by far the hadest. She may be the only reason, but still, it is what it is...