Being the evil stepmother

originally posted by: Night Star
Just read quickly through some of these comments and am amazed at the lack of compassion and understanding from some of you. For God's sake, this woman has put up with the daughter for all these years and tried her damndest to help smooth things out and to be a family. She did nothing wrong!

It may seem strange, but is likely sourced in some personal projection. Honestly, I could see several stepmothers I know making this exact post.

Its pretty uncanny, actually..

Of course, none of it would be true in the case of the ones I know personally. They all have a habit of portraying themselves as faultless martyrs.

That certainly isn't saying the OP is carrying out such actions, just that its hard not to "go there" if you have seen it before, or suffered through it personally.

Even I had to take a step back and not project my own life experiences onto the situation. When a stranger steps in and grabs the reigns, it can create a deep, long standing resentment. Especially when that person doesn't want the whole family, only a single person.

a reply to: diggindirt
I understand what you're saying. I may not be able to say I'm not judging you (i really don't know) I do however think that after you handle this crisis with your husband you think of a way to insert yourself into your grandchild life.

Some off the wall ideas I had today was paying for a sport that you can then go visit and watch. Registering the child for anything as a gift would then give you the schedule and garenteed time however brief. From what you said this fits your criteria of a neutral location as well.

I know your husband is your priority right now. But it doesn't sound as if you're too certain this child is safe. I'm am certain you can out maneuver this woman when it appears that it's all for her benefit.

a reply to: Serdgiam

I can certainly see that point of view.

My struggle has been the fact that I've never been a stepchild so I have no frame of reference. Nor does my husband. His mother remarried after his father's death but he was already on his own by that time and never lived with his stepfather. To him his stepfather was a really nice guy who made his Mother & sister's lives much easier.

His sister, on the other hand, was only 13 years old when her mother remarried, just over a year after the sudden loss of her father. In her mind her stepfather was only "not my Dad" so her experience was very different. She carried that baggage and resentment for over 30 years. It wasn't until she finally sought counseling that she was able to have a meaningful relationship and a happy marriage. Complete with a house full of stepchildren.

Another struggle has been the issue of alcoholism---violent, abusive alcoholism---in my nuclear family. I had an uncle who was a functioning alcoholic for years before he died but he was the typical happy drunk rather than a raging, violent drunk. I didn't grow up in a family who got mad and yelled and threw things nor did my husband. We were taught that anger must be expressed but it must be done in a civil manner. We've always done our best to respect our children enough not to yell at them. Now I'm not about to pretend that there were never any shouting matches when they were teenagers but once they got beyond the normal hormonal swings they've put that trait aside with other stupidities of youth.