Being the evil stepmother

Best of luck to you.
I will keep my advice to myself.
It probably isn't what you want to hear.

There are so many angles to your situation. I am 30. I have three former stepdads and five former step-siblings. My mom passed away five years ago. I have my dad and my long-time stepmother. I am sensitive to and experienced in step-family relationships. My advice is to remove yourself from the role of being the gatekeeper between a daughter and her father. I hear your frustration about your stepdaughter, but I don't think you're being fair.

She has always been insanely jealous of her stepsisters' relationship with her father and now that insanity has transferred to any female he pays to which he pays the slightest attention.

Uggggh. Is this fair? I can't help but think you are the jealous one here. You calling her "a selfish, drunken brat" and speaking of her in such a derogatory manner to others, especially your husband, is a very effective way to ostracize your stepdaughter. You are making things worse by doing that, I can assure you.

Is it fair to stand between your husband and his 6-year-old grandson, who you haven't seen since he was 2, because you heard he was undisciplined from unnamed witnesses? Absolutely not.

You need to stay out of this completely and allow your husband, his daughter, his grandson, and his sister to communicate and visit freely as they see fit. Talking to an aunt because you can't climb through your stepmom to see your dad is natural. You are calling three of your husband's relatives crazy. "All I want is a peaceful house," you say. So does everybody. Get over yourself. Listen to your heart while you still have the chance, before your evil-stepmom heart freezes over.

I don't want to have to deal with his bratty daughter and her demonic child. So I'm going to be the evil stepmother and absolutely decree that she will not be welcome. I'm through being manipulated and being forced to divide my time and energy when I should be focusing on the most important person in my life.

You are who you choose to be. If you choose to be evil, that's on you. I feel sorry for your stepdaughter. I don't pity you at all. There is nothing worse than a resentful stepparent.

a reply to: diggindirt Thank you for reply to me. As a result and additional information you posted in response to others, I realize I misinterpreted the additude towards the child. I got the impression from the OP that the lack of contact with the child was your husbands doing. Since that isn't the case like I originally thought, I would like to retract my previous statement about him.

a reply to: diggindirt

Look past the alcoholism, that is only a symptom of the core problem.

Your stepdaughter (and her mother) seem like classic malignant narcissists. That is a serious personality disorder (NPD) which is impossible to cure (They will never admit to any faults of their own, and so will never seek help). There is a lot of research being done on this, because it is becoming epidemic in Western culture. I would read up on this if I were you and your husband, or watch some youtube vids (recommended: SPARTAN LIFE COACH and Sam Vaknin). Trust me, this will open your eyes to what you are dealing with and what you can expect. It will greatly empower you in how you can counter her behaviour, IF you do remain in contact. However, rule number one when dealing with a narcissist is NO CONTACT, even if it is a family member.

People with NPD have no empathy, and can therefore not understand how their behaviour affects others, let alone that they even care. No conscience, no remorse. They feel entitled to anything they want. They are addicted to attention (narcissistic supply). When you call them out on their faults they will rage because you have given them a narcissistic injury. You bursted their bubble of perfection, an empty shell, a fake personality that they built for themselves at an early age. You basically force them back into their true personality, which was left behind at that early age, hence the childish behaviour. NPD isn't genetic, it's a result of her mother's parenting. And as you have noticed, she is passing it on to her own son...

Your husband seems like the type of person typically attracted by narcissists, and vice versa. That's why he has put up with his daughter for so long, but luckily he seems to have come to grips with the fact that his daughter will never change.

You didn't mention anything about the relationship between your stepdaughter and her mother. I'm very much interested in how that developed during childhood and also how this affected her relationship with her father, the family dynamics. Could you expand on that?

soulwaxer

a reply to: TruthLover557

Thank you for your viewpoint.
I must point out to that even if I wanted to, I could never prevent communications. That's not my goal. If not for my insistence, her father would have walked out of her life four years ago.
Interestingly enough, our relationships with our children is one subject on which we've always agreed until this issue came up. It is his position that she has been disrespectful to me and by inference has disrespected him.
We truly believe she needs help and we've tried every approach we know and suggestions from people trained in counseling.
I have one primary concern---my husband's health. Anyone who does anything detrimental to that concern is putting themselves in danger. He needs people around him with good, happy vibes, not a drama queen who tends to abusive language when she is not the center of attention. So yes, you're correct. I'm very resentful when I see/hear that behavior.
I'm all for second and third chances, into infinity...but our olive branches have been spurned. As another poster pointed out earlier, you simply can't reason with an alcoholic who is in denial of her condition. And you certainly can't reason with one when they're in the arms of Mr. Jack.

Not to be critical, but you have reflected several points that suggests his daughter has narcissistic tendencies.

Read up on some trademark clues and if appropriate, how to deal with that.

www.mayoclinic.org...

Again, this is only a distant observation. I truly do not know the dynamics of your situation, so do not take this as advice.


Edit to add: ok, I see I was late to the parade, someone a couple posts above me already came to that thought too.

a reply to: soulwaxer
You've just supported my husband's position on the matter. My logical self agrees completely. But my emotional self loves that woman and wants her to be happy. It has never been a matter of threat until now but I've seen the results of her mother's drunken, violent rages and they aren't pretty.
Honestly, I do believe that the incident when she was drunk and screaming at him was the first time she had ever really exposed that side of herself to him directly.
We've had many long sessions with professional therapists trying to get as much information and as many suggestions as we could gather to get along on this journey. But it all comes back to the fact that both sides have to want to make the relationship work.
Her mother is visiting her this week. She is actually the only member of the family who still has a somewhat normal relationship as in contact by phone or email on a regular basis.
The family dynamics are far too complicated to go into here. Suffice it to say that there is generational alcoholism and abusive behavior that being highly educated hasn't cured. It is apparently a social pathology that has been passed down. Both the mother's parents were functioning alcoholics and were known to be abusive and violent when things didn't go their way. Her mother finally turned from the alcohol about 10 years ago and got her life turned around after one of her drunken, violent rages landed her in jail. IF there were anything we could do to prevent that happening to her, we would gladly do it.
We were told repeatedly---you've done what you can do, the ball is in her court. So why do we feel so conflicted? Because we're parents and we don't like to think we've failed in our obligations as parents. Her behavior was summed up by her brother once when after one of her "displays" he remarked ruefully, "Every family has to have a princess." It was only when the alcoholism showed itself that it was no longer amusing and tolerable. So we can't completely discount the alcohol.

Like someone said above, I think you should step aside and let the father and daughter solve their own problems. Your interference it's only make everything worse.
You don't love your step daughter; not that I blame you for that, but being so you will never be able to see the situation as it is. Your are partial and resentful toward her, and very controlling of your husband.
So in one hand we have a daughter (as immature and spoiled as she is) who can never reach to her father only through you and your righteousness filters, and a step mother always annoyed and having her peace disturbed by a step daughter she despise. This situation is going on for so long that no wonder there is so much hate and resentment and hard feelings.
Think about this: would you allow a stranger to give you permission every time you need your father? And to forbid your relationship with him if you don't seem worthy enough? Would you allow a stranger to interfere between you and your children? I don't think so, so why are you doing this to her?

Let them sort it out between themselves; they are father and daughter. You have no right to judge if she deserves to see him or not. He must do that, as a father.
If he doesn't want her there, let him close that door. Stop being so protective of him, he is a mature man and must deal with his problems; and one of his problems is a daughter craving love and attention from him. You being in the middle of all this only gives them both an excuse to not take responsibility for this situation: she blames you while he trust you for taking care of it in his place. Can't you see how you only make it worse?

It will never end this way, as you can see so far.
Or you can end it now by stepping aside, putting them face to face and let them make it or break it between them. And whatever they decide to do, respect that and stay out of it.
Is the only way in my opinion.

ETA: My impression was formed from the first posts and so my answer; since then you added some more things which somehow contradict those first posts. Whatever, I still stand by what I said, that you are only making things worse by interfering.
My life partner is also a step father to my boys; their father died when they were big enough to not accept any other father in his place. But their relationship is as good and respectful as it can be; and this is because the rules were always clear for all of them from the beginning. My partner also tried to step in at first, but I explained to him that whatever comes from me it will be ok, cause I'm their mother, whatever comes from him they will hate him because he's a stranger. So I never let him solve my problems with my kids, and I never let them blame him for something I decided.
I worked hard for this because I love them all, and I will never have my partner talk about my kids the way you talk about your step daughter, no matter what, or my kids disrespecting or hate him. I knew that if it will come to this I will break the relationship. And six years later, my older son is living by himself already, and the younger one is almost 18 yo, but they love and respect and appreciate each other.
In your case you all played this game of jealousy and competition for way too long,( yes, you too ) but you can still end your part in it by stepping aside. There is nothing for you to lose anymore.

Get the hell out of Kentucky while you still can!

originally posted by: skunkape23
Best of luck to you.
I will keep my advice to myself.
It probably isn't what you want to hear.

Sunkape23 YOU ROCK!!

Sounds like the step-mother is jealous of the step-daughter. Get over yourself.

I'm stuck on you not seeing the grandchild for four years. When I need help with my unruly boys I have them explain themselves to my Dad. My Dad calls time at his house retraining. And my kids love going there. This taught me to ask my kids If they were proud of their behavior too.

You could have made a big difference in this child's life. You could have helped him have good behavior.

I understand your husbnds health is a priority right now. If things go well I hope you make your grandchild your priority.

Just read quickly through some of these comments and am amazed at the lack of compassion and understanding from some of you. For God's sake, this woman has put up with the daughter for all these years and tried her damndest to help smooth things out and to be a family. She did nothing wrong!

a reply to: Iamthatbish
It was not our choice not to see them. We live seven hours from them and our repeated invitations to meet them at neutral locations have been ignored in a passive/aggressive manner. The phone sessions went something like this:
Father: We'd really like to see you when you have a few days off.
Daughter: Oh, yeah, we'd love to get together. I don't have my schedule for next month yet but I'll let you know.
Father: Great, we'll look forward to hearing from you so we make reservations.
And then only silence....
It wasn't just her father and I who were cut off either. She's done much the same to her blood brother, her aunt, her maternal uncles and her stepsisters. Two years ago her uncles and brother traveled to her home to attempt an intervention. She wouldn't see them, wouldn't answer the door and texted them that if they didn't leave she would call the police. Two days later she called them all and apologized and asked them to "Just pretend all that stuff didn't happen because I'm just not the real me these days." Then she began telling family and friends that she was in a Twelve-Step program getting help. Sadly, according to the one friend she was still seeing, her former husband and her mother who was allowed to visit, she was lying to get them to back off.
Thank goodness, the child has his father and a big loving family on his father's side.
What more can we do? This is the question we've asked ourselves, professional therapists and other family members. In the end it all comes down to her and her inability to face the issues that drive her to abuse alcohol.

a reply to: WhiteHat
I thank you for your thoughts on the matter.

In the past 30+ years the one thing my husband and I have never disagreed on is the handling of our children. From the beginning, our children were secondary to our relationship. In the end, we have only each other to answer to as our children found their own mates. We would never expect them to put a parent before a spouse. Boundaries.

Have you ever really read or studied any materials on relationships? On dealing with step-parenting or alcoholism? Have you attended numerous counseling sessions on these issues?

If it weren't for the counseling sessions we attended at the beginnings of our relationship, we would likely have never really become a family. We were very fortunate to be able to avail ourselves of those services over the years and work on issues that arose as a result of two broken homes being blended. Throughout all these years when a serious issue arose, we were always able to sit down with a third, disinterested party and work through the issues. Since alcoholism reared its ugly head, that hasn't been possible with her.

My Beloved is the most important person in my life. Anything that threatens his health is my worst enemy. If you think I'm going to "step aside" and allow her to come here, under stress, and scream at him because he wasn't adequately attentive to her needs while recovering from surgery, you're simply mistaken.

If your way works for you, I'm good with your way for you.

a reply to: HUMBLEONE
I'm not sure how that is relevant to my situation but thank you for your comment.
I happen to love my home and if I left I'd have to leave my Beloved behind because he's not leavin'!

a reply to: diggindirt
Like I said, I wrote my answer from the impression your first post created. I am aware that things are always more complicated than could be explained in a forum post.

From the beginning, our children were secondary to our relationship.

I've never put any relationship above my children, and I find this a strange thing to do. Like a friend once told me, men will come and go in your life, but your child will always be your child.

We would never expect them to put a parent before a spouse.

Me neither; I would never put my kids in a situation to choose. But I expect them to put their own children before a girlfriend or wife that is not their mother. And even if is their mother but let's say she's abusive or violent or whatever, I expect them to stick with their children. But like you said, each with their own.

I just want a peaceful household and his choice---completely cut off all communications with her---would accomplish that.

If you think I'm going to "step aside" and allow her to come here, under stress, and scream at him because he wasn't adequately attentive to her needs while recovering from surgery, you're simply mistaken.

I meant to step aside and let them solve their own problems. And if your husband choose to cut all communications, and never see her again like you said in the OP, then let it be. You said you want this family to work together then you complain of being manipulated into doing things you don't want to do.
Maybe some things are not meant to be, or maybe some people can't be what we want them to be.


I'm sorry if you took my answer as offensive, but you seemed to not understand why the situation is so complicated so I tried to show you what for an outsider is quite obvious.
Hope your husband feels better and everything work out for you two.

a reply to: WhiteHat
Obviously, my Beloved and I have a different approach to marriage than yours. We're in it for the long haul, forever.
Yes, we want our children in our lives but there are boundaries. Over the years we've struggled with those boundaries, especially in her case because she was always the "neediest" of the children. Obviously, we did a poor job of enforcing those boundaries and somewhere along the way she decided to put them aside. But that didn't happen until she turned to alcohol as a solution to the issues she was facing. Quite simply, it destroyed her life. She lost her husband, her home and has cut herself off from most of her family over the past four years. Two years ago the members of her blood family who were concerned attempted to do an intervention. How do you help someone who refuses every offer?
The problem is that nobody---nobody---can say for sure what triggered the turn to booze. She and her husband were seemingly very happy for the first ten years of their marriage. The first signs of trouble surfaced after she decided she wanted a child after twenty years of vowing that she would never have children.
Every professional counselor we've spoken with tells us that the time comes when leaving the door open is the only thing left to do. That's what I'm attempting to do...leave the door for communication open---so long as it doesn't adversely affect our health.

ERA: There is no such thing as "letting them work out their problems. All counselors trained in this area will tell you, there is no "them" in these situations---only us. Attempting to compartmentalize relationships as "them" and "us" is just asking for more conflict. If one of my daughters were acting in this way, it would be my Beloved stepping in to help me then, if that failed, to shield me.

originally posted by: ProxyBear22
Sounds like the step-mother is jealous of the step-daughter. Get over yourself.

sounds like a stepdaughter made that post. Grow up.

a reply to: skunkape23
Thank you for your well wishes.


No, I don't come to a forum to get primary advice on family relationships, just to let off steam in a non-destructive manner. I'm well aware that there are as many opinions as there are people in the world and we don't all agree.