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Being the evil stepmother

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posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 09:51 PM
For almost 30 years I bent over backward to get along with my stepdaughter. She was a "Daddy's girl" and never failed to try to take advantage of that position. She has always been insanely jealous of her stepsisters' relationship with her father and now that insanity has transferred to any female he pays to which he pays the slightest attention. Just a picture of him holding the newest baby girl in our family sent her into a week of crying phone calls saying: "If you really loved me you wouldn't be holding other girls...." then, "Ha ha, you know I'm kidding, right? You do love me don't you?" This is a 45 year-old woman with a six year-old son!
She lives seven hours away from us so this isn't a day-to-day problem. Recently we went on vacation and made plans to spend an evening with her and her son on our way home. My Beloved said that one evening was all he could take. When she whined and cried, he stood firm, telling her that she could chose her favorite restaurant and we'd all have a nice dinner and visit----or we would head home without stopping to see her.
This follows an incident four years ago when he suffered a stroke and instead of calling him to see how he was doing, she called and screeched at him because I had told her that we didn't need her help in dealing with the health issues. (She is an ICU nurse and should have known better than to add stress to a survivor of a recent stroke. But she was drunker than a skunk and screaming at him so he ended the phone call.) For four years we've been offering an invitation to meet up with her and the kid in a neutral place---somewhere we can walk away from if her drunken behavior gets out of hand. For four years she's been saying that yes, she really wants to do that but never set a time. Thus our drive-by visit plans.
But our plans went awry when my Beloved had a health issue in the midst of our vacation and we returned home to see his doc. After we had been assured that the issue wasn't terribly serious, I emailed her to let her know what had happened and why we wouldn't be able to keep our dinner date. I also re-issued the invitation to meet within the next two weeks somewhere within easy driving of her home. She declined but upon learning that her father is scheduled for major surgery in a week or so, she decided that it would be best if she came to our home with her totally UN-disciplined six year-old son---to make sure her father gets "good care."
For almost 30 years I've put up with it, I've rearranged my life so hers would be easier. But when she disregarded the effect of her actions on her father's health, all that came to a sudden stop. I'm so over caring about the feelings of a selfish, drunken brat. If she really wanted to see her father she would have put forth the effort to accept our invitation to a paid-for vacation at the resort of her choice.
Upon receiving her email announcing her intentions, I hastened to write back to tell her that we weren't sure that the surgery would go as scheduled due to the most recent issue. (It is the absolute truth, the doc won't know until he sees some test results later in the week.) I cautioned her not to make any hard and fast plans and assured her that as we've been able to manage after all the sixteen surgeries he's had in the past, we see no reason for needing help with this one.
Now she has enlisted the help of her aunt (my Beloved's sister) to try and pressure us into making her welcome in my home. The aunt knows very little of the situation, mostly just the daughter's side of things. She called and asked if she and the daughter and grandson could come for a visit the week following his surgery! I thought my head would explode!
I explained to her that stress is not the best thing for a surgery patient and having three extra people in the house the week after major surgery would be a lot of stress for both of us. I suggested that she come prior to the surgery and explained that the daughter had ignored our invitations for four years. I explained that our house isn't "child-proof" and a child without discipline in his life could make un-imagined havoc. (Even though we haven't personally seen him in four years, those who have had that "pleasure" have reported back with tales of horror.)
Now it is up to me, the evil stepmother, to make sure that peace and happiness are the rule in my household and I feel as though I'm battling two crazy women. The sister will be arriving later this week to spend some time with her brother before he has surgery. That's great with me, okay with him. He is adamant that his daughter will not set foot in our home until she decides to apologize to me and to him and that such a meeting must take place on neutral turf.
I just want a peaceful household and his choice---completely cut off all communications with her---would accomplish that. However, there is a deeply held conviction in my heart that families should be able to work out their differences. I know in my heart that the reason he's suggesting this is because he equates that phone call from his drunken, screaming daughter with the phone calls we used to get from her drunken, screaming mother---blaming him for "ruining her life." He even said, "She's turned into her mother, if I had wanted to put up with that for the rest of my life, I would have stayed with her."
But she's not her mother. That's what the angel on my shoulder keeps telling me. But then the devil on the other shoulder reminds me of the history of this relationship.
I want to be able to devote my attention to helping my Beloved back to full health. I don't want to have to deal with his bratty daughter and her demonic child. So I'm going to be the evil stepmother and absolutely decree that she will not be welcome. I'm through being manipulated and being forced to divide my time and energy when I should be focusing on the most important person in my life.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 10:02 PM
a reply to: diggindirt
I have been a step-parent for 26 years.

In my experience, it is always best for the blood parent to lay down the law so to speak.

Is your husband up to the task of telling her himself?

If not you have my sympathy, being a step-parent is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband through this time.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 10:02 PM
My heart goes out to you. The daughter is going to have to understand that it this isn't the right time for a visit whether she likes it or not. Set boundaries and stand firm.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 10:05 PM
Reading your op, I feel for you. I've dealt with alcoholism in a certain family member and it ain't easy getting through.
Has the Father himself told her what's what? I understand you wouldn't want to give your husband any added stress, but can he firmly tell her to please hold off on visiting until he is done recuperating?
This is a tuffy and wish you and yours peace and comfort in the days ahead.
edit on 13-10-2015 by peppycat because: tablets is acting up

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 10:05 PM
Double post
edit on 13-10-2015 by peppycat because: dummy tablet

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 10:25 PM
A step parent too.

I know where you are coming from.

It is a very hard job with minimal rewards.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 10:41 PM
a reply to: diggindirt

Been a step mother myself over 16 years now.

You do what's best for your husband and take care of him. It sounds like your stepdaughter has a boatload of issues and playing her game will only distract you from what's important.

You are in my thoughts, take care of yourself as well as your hubby.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 11:10 PM
It's her father. They should be communicating if you two don't like eachother. You see sort of martyrish to me, you married into this.
edit on 13-10-2015 by reldra because: (no reason given)

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 11:13 PM
a reply to: stosh64
Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers. I need all the help I can get.
As to your question, yes, he's told her. But she's yet to be convinced that she can't twist him around her finger the way she did for forty years. Her appeal to her aunt is evidence that she didn't accept his answer.
We've all, the entire family, given in to her manipulations in an attempt to keep peace.
Additionally, I'll be the one answering the phone because I can't trust her not to screech and scream at him if she's had a few belts.
If she wants to act like an adult, I'll be happy to treat her as an adult but so far, I've seen the whiny brat side far too often.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 11:48 PM
a reply to: Night Star
Thanks so much. Yes, boundaries. That's something everyone else seemingly understands. There's a part of me that blames the alcohol but there is nothing on this earth I can do to change that aspect of her life. We've offered on several occasions to make it possible for her to get counseling but that suggestion is treated with the same disregard as the suggestions that we meet for a fun time in neutral territory.

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 11:49 PM
Sometimes I hate it when I can see both sides of the story. She is wrong in her drunken childish ways, but a pattern has been established by her father for 45 years. I don't think she is going to see changes made after that long as boundary setting, but as rejection. Face it, if you intervene you are only going to look bad. You are between a rock and a hard place, but I also feel for her because her father created the situation so it is unfair for him to just cut her off, because she won't associated it with her behavior. Her reaction to him holding a baby says that. I am not saying that as an adult she shouldn't be responsible for her own behavior, but when it's been enabled for so long, she isn't the only one to blame.

As for the child. I am a bit bothered by the lack of involvement for 4 years. I don't care what mom has done, that kid needs his grandpa. If the unthinkable was to happen to your husband, would it be fair for that child to not have memories of his grandpa?

posted on Oct, 13 2015 @ 11:53 PM
a reply to: diggindirt

You have spent 30 years doing your utmost not to rock the boat and to care for your hubby who doesn't sound too well. The step-daughter is now 45 - she is a grown woman and should be acting like one. She is an adult. Your obligation is to ensure your hubby's well being at this point. You aren't rocking the boat whatsoever but now it seems you are because you are trying to ensure your husband's needs are met. You are doing just fine and what you should be.

Stick firm - this is your domain now. She is no longer a child in any way (other than mentally) and you do not have to cater to her games.

You cannot look after your husband unless you are functioning 100%. He cannot function if you are are pulled in separate directions. You married him and are doing what you promised to do - to look after him.

Whatever issues the step-daughter has I am sure that you have tried to help her. If she doesn't want help then nothing will change.

What I say sounds harsh but it's the blunt truth. You know where your priorities lay, the only thing is she is now calling in the battle forces. That's okay because after 30 years I am sure everyone knows who you are and what you've dealt with over the years. You owe no one any excuses or answers of any sort other than your husband.

Do what your husband needs in order of health and when he is better then he can try to work things out with her in terms of hurt feelings, etc. She sounds like a bully by not working with what you have tried to put in place for the sake of everyone.

It's sad there is a child involved but I am sure you love the grandchild and have done all you can. But the step-daughter is the mother and will twist things as she wishes.

I think it's a no-win situation. Just do your best, hold firm and remind yourself that people have to work together to make things work. You still love her I am sure, just can't deal with her demands and insensitivities.

Good luck!

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:05 AM
a reply to: peppycat

Yes, he's told her. But apparently she thinks she can find a way to get her way in spite of his wishes in the matter. It's her contention that I have unduly influenced his decision. Her aunt was of the understanding that it was me who objected to the visit. Even her aunt, who has had only limited contact with her over the past three years, observed that she appears to be heading toward demanding that her father choose who he "really loves." The very idea that I could unduly influence his decisions is utterly laughable to anyone who knows us! He's the type of guy who will go along to get along until somebody stomps on the line in the sand he has clearly but diplomatically pointed out to them.
All our kids have at one time or another stepped over that line---as have I---and we all learned that a quick, groveling apology will put things aright. This time, with her, there's the additional element of the alcohol problem. The one thing he can't abide is an obnoxious, screaming drunk---the very thing she has become.

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:11 AM
a reply to: smirkley
Thanks! I'm actually feeling better now that I've gotten it out of my system. I had a phone call from a good friend who has been through similar difficulties as a stepmom. Her comment was, "Tell the little princess that the queen has spoken and she is courting banishment if she questions the word of the queen."

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:21 AM
a reply to: diggindirt You and your husband certainly don't need a screaming drunk and her unbehaving child right now. Maybe your husband can speak to his sister about this(even though he shouldn't have to right now) then maybe his sister can talk sense into your step daughter.
Keep strong and stay firm, my prayers and good energy go out to you.

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:23 AM
a reply to: Cheddarhead
Thank you. That is exactly the way I see my obligation. Just thinking about and discussing this issue makes his blood pressure go up. We'd had it thrust upon us just before a doctor visit and his blood pressure was about 10 points higher than is usual. Even the nurse noticed it when she took it, asking, "Hey, what are you upset about today? Are you in pain? Your blood pressure is never this high." We just said "Family issues." She immediately understood, sat down and talked to him about putting it out of his mind. By the time the doc arrived we were all laughing it off. Before we left the office, she took his pressure again and it had already come down 6 points. That was pretty much when I made the decision to shield him from the stress of the situation by simply making the declaration.

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:33 AM
a reply to: reldra

They have communicated. He has made his wishes known and she has attempted the thwart his wishes. He doesn't deserve the stress she is creating so I'm going to do everything in my power to shield him from that stress. If that's being a martyr, that would be me.
She's been able to get her way in the past because it wasn't any skin off anybody's nose if she wanted to act like a brat. This is different in that this behavior has now created stressful drama in a situation where all the energy should be positive, pushing for the health of the patient---the very man that she claims to love above all others.
The last time he had a health crisis she got sloppy drunk, called him and screamed at him. What's to guarantee that she won't repeat that behavior when she's in my home? I'm not taking that chance. I would end up in jail and wouldn't be able to take care of him.

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:55 AM
a reply to: calstorm
I'm in full agreement.
Over the past four years we have reached out as much as we dared to offer reconciliation. Her father had told her repeatedly that as long as she acts like an adult she will be treated as an adult.
The very reason I have lobbied for keeping the communication channels open is the fact that I was a "Daddy's girl" and I simply can't imagine my father ever turning his face away from me.
We've read books, we've been through counseling and offered to go with her and/or provide funds for her.
We have no control over whether the child has memories of his grandpa. We have reached out, time and time again...and felt only thin air.
I fully realize that it isn't fair that we've waited this long to enforce the boundaries and I'm sorry she'll have to deal with it. It's not fair that 30 years ago a young man made a left turn in front of a motorcycle and all our lives changed. But it happened and as a result my Beloved will go under the knife for the 17th time as a result of that accident. He could have become bitter and abusive at the unfairness of it all. Instead he's provided the very model of grace and adaptability in the face of tremendous adversity. He deserves better than she offering.

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 12:56 AM
You can't rationalize with an alcoholic. It won't matter how right you are about the situation, how hard you and your Husband have tried to make things work. Your husband's well being as well as your own is the priority right now. As someone else suggested, you should try and reason with the Aunt. Surely she loves her Brother and will do anything she can to help in this situation. You and your husband have done everything in your power to try to make things better. You can't do any more than that. Stick to your guns!

I wish you strength in facing this difficult situation. You have your ATS family by your side. Hugs!

posted on Oct, 14 2015 @ 01:03 AM
a reply to: ccseagull
Thanks! Reading your post was like listening to my friend on the phone just a while ago.

We have high hopes that her aunt will be able to reason with her when she is sober. She's been a stepmother also and knows the tricks.

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