Ramblings of a Mad Woman OR Why Must Babies Die

Where to begin...?

My oldest daughter's childhood best friend was due to deliver a (what we thought) healthy baby boy this Tuesday coming.
On Thursday past, she felt a kick and then nothing more. She went to the hospital and on Friday early morning she delivered. Her son was stillborn. The umbilical cord had become wrapped around his neck and he had been dead for hours.
While at my office on the phone with my daughter trying to offer her some sort of...comfort...a co worker walked in.
Overhearing our conversation she told me her story.
She was carrying her second child (a girl) and the umbilical cord had become tangled around her neck and she too gave birth to a stillborn child.
One thing that helped her to deal with her grief (which was years long) was when she became pregnant with her third child (a boy).
See, her daughter was to be their last child. The tubal ligation was already scheduled.
She believed that God took her daughter early because that is the time she would have been able to deal with it best. Had her daughter (Mariah) been born and died later on in childhood, she does not believe she would have ever recovered AND her son Mason would not have been born.She said that she cannot imagine life, now, without him.
She at that time worked in the ER and had seen many a parent come in after being told of an accident involving their child. She knew when she greeted the parents to take them back to their child that the child was not going to survive or had already passed on.
She told me that all mother's screams sound the same.
This poor child, my daughter's friend.
Why on earth would/could something like this happen.
Okay so I understand the nature of it. I understand that. I can't possibly understand how if there is some sort of divine entity running the show so to speak how THIS could be allowed to happen! I realize that bad things happen all over the world to all sorts of people. But this happened in our world to our people and it just pisses me off to no end!
Wouldn't THIS be the time for divine intervention?
I do not know how to comfort my daughter. She was the god mother which is an odd term for her as she herself is an atheist.
If you have traditional Christian values, you believe I think that there is a greater plan that we cannot see and you have hope that things are going to work out for the best and faith that God knows what is best but, if you are not a christian...?
Yes, I know this young woman will have the opportunity for more children in the future but, she will never have THIS child. Her precious baby boy is gone. How can a woman ever move on? To me it seems as if it would leave a hole in her heart and soul that could never be filled. It changes the course of her life forever. SHE will never be the same. Maybe never even close.

As my title indicates, these are the ramblings of a mad woman.Mad in every sense of the word for this tragedy.
I suppose I needed to vent and ATS and it's anonymity allows me that.
My younger daughter is a christian and she says faith allows her to understand the death.
My oldest daughter is just angry. I believe it just confirms more to her that there CAN'T possibly be a god and if there is she wants nothing to do with him...

Thanks for the rant!

Words fail at times like this.

I would want to rave too so just know you are supported in all your rage. With added prayers for mother and child and those who love them.

a reply to: TNMockingbird
Quite a few years ago a young girl (12 if memory serves) suffocated whilst playing on a beach because the sand dune collapsed. Now imagine the length of time and pain it would take to choke and suffocate on dry sand filling your lungs.

According to some we don't know God's purpose. According to me any being of God's power who allowed that happen deserves total contempt.

There is no God only nature and tragic accidents. We need to grieve and move on.

My feelings on you eloquent and thoughtful rant, match those of kosmickjack, above.

Some questions just exist only to be asked. Whether or how we ask those questions, depends on who we are. How each of us interpret our lack of a definitive answer to those questions, depends on who we are, as well.

In the end, who we are is what really matters...and asking and answering THAT question of ourselves (and of our God, if we so choose) is what life is really all about.

a reply to: kosmicjack

Thank you!
We are supporting her and her family the best we can which I am certain will never be enough.

I've told my daughter to rage on (safely of course and bring no harm to anyone else)!

a reply to: yorkshirelad

How absolutely horrific!

It's odd how my younger daughter who grew up with them as well finds peace and calm in her faith that there is something unseen going on and that everything that happens is for a greater reason than we could ever conceive and my oldest is just fed up and sickened by the event and it has cemented her in her feelings of never wanting children. She has always felt this way. Her statement since as far back as I can remember was always "Why would I ever want to bring a child into this?.

You are correct in grieving and moving on, I hope I am able to help in some small way...

I'm so sorry for the loss... I lost the only baby I was ever pregnant with, very early in the pregnancy. But it still broke my soul.

This is life. Good and bad. Glorious and appalling. We are animals and nature is our framework. It is neither cruel nor kind. It just is.

originally posted by: TNMockingbird
Yes, I know this young woman will have the opportunity for more children in the future but, she will never have THIS child.

I don't know about that... I've told this story here before, but when my sister's boy was 2-3 years old, he found his mother crying quietly and asked her what was wrong. She explained (in a way a 3-year-old would understand) that way back before he was born, she was pregnant and got an abortion. Sometimes she thinks about that baby and it makes her sad.

He said to her, "Mom! Don't Cry! That was me! I came back!"

Hugs to your daughter...

a reply to: IAMTAT

Some questions just exist only to be asked. Whether or how we ask those questions, depends on who we are. How each of us interpret our lack of a definitive answer to those questions, depends on who we are, as well.

THIS is so true.
My youngest is okay with not having a definitive answer. She is happy to know there may never be one.
My oldest is NOT okay with ANY answer. Spiritual, nature, happenstance, whatever, it will never be good enough for her.
Stephen Hunter is gone. Those that are left behind must learn how to move on without becoming a dull shell of a human.
The baby cannot be saved. Those that are left behind MUST be.
Thank you for your kind words.

a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

How very sweet and sad at the same time!
Like my co worker said, maybe it wasn't the RIGHT time for that mother and the child was taken or given at the time the mother could have handled it.
Had it been ANY different, things wouldn't be the way they are today.
The route of one's fate would have been changed forever and who knows?

I'm not Christian any longer, but I can understand death: # Happens. Everything dies.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

There isn't much I can say for many reasons. But I do want you to know that you, your daughter, and her friend are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray you will find solace and the answers you seek which will help you move forward.

God allowed Satan to wipe out Jobs entire family. The bible certainly demonstrates scenarios where God intervenes and others where He doesnt and it never really explains why. David for example had God intervene many times......and other times it appears he just did whatever he wanted and maybe it turned out good, maybe not. God DOES allow us to do things on our own accord using our free will and then experience the consequences from those things. He also allows so called natural consequences of factors xyz to take place....and these are mysterious, dark.....often apparently without purpose. The bible says "time and chance" happens to us all. That tells me that some things in life are ordered by God and others are left to so called chance and randomness. As believers we CHOOSE to believe that no matter what happens God has an over arching plan for our lives......and that plan is to save us for eternity. I personally believe a lot of what happens in everyday life is left up to us and the confluence of numerous other factors, events, choices other people make and the consequences of all those things mixing together. Perhaps instead of asking for some great meaning or explanation for individual events we should focus more on the fact no matter what happens God loves us and will save us.......and that goes double for the little ones.

i honestly don't know what happens to kids in situations like that. for example, my husband and one of his brothers were outside playing as children, and their ball rolled into the street. his brother dashed out to get it and was hit by a semi that decapitated him. yet when my husband saw him, he was just sleeping on the road, no blood, no decapitation. perhaps the children themselves are spared the memory of trauma their bodies go thru before death and it's just the living who see it (or don't see it? i mean my husband was spared the actual vision of his brother laying dead with no head)

a reply to: undo

TNmockingbird, so sorry your dauhgters friend went through this...I am glad you posted here to let your anger out in a good way.... you and your daughter are hurting.........giving you both ((((((((hugs))))))).......your daughter is angry but you are there for her and that is a good thing....

This world is not designed to be easy or perfect. As humans we grow best when we are challenged. I believe that is the point of this life. It is to temper us through experience and open our hearts to greater love and understanding of each other. We have experiences we need for our spiritual growth.

When you factor in reincarnation and karma things do not seem so confusing. All thing are fair and for our benefit when you look at the long string of lives and incarnations and our past actions. Sometimes we need to hurt in order to become a better person and to have greater empathy.

I think most people on ATS know my story by now, but if not, here is a quick recap. My children were killed at the hands of their father while he was driving drunk and stoned. I didn't want to let them in the car with him, but the judge had told me I would be in contempt of court if I refused again, despite the fact that he had lost his licenses due to multiple DUI's.

I can't believe in god. I tried so hard for so long to do so, but I can't. My children were the only family I had, I cherished them above all else. They were the only family I had. I watched every single other blood relative die while growing up. By the time I was 18, I was the only one left alive. Maybe I was guilty of loving my children too much because of it? Maybe because my fear of losing them was so great? I don't know, but for this reason, I can not believe in a god, nor can I believe in karma. What horrible things could I have done as a young child to lose everyone I loved starting at such an early age? What horrible thing could I have done that would have justified the lives of my children? If it happened in a past life? I can't bare that my soul was capable of anything deserving of this hell of a life I have gone through!

I had my tubes tied after my youngest was born. My husband and I put everything we had and then some into IVF to have a child of our own. Failure. There is nothing left to try, no hope. Some people would give anything for money or fame. I would be able to give anything to have someone I could call family. To be able to list someone, when the medical profession asks me to list my next of kin.

Due to the agony of it all my body has turned against me. I am slowly being killed by my own immune system. That's ok though. I truly am dying of a broken heart. it's just going to take a little while.

She told me that all mother's screams sound the same.

I know that sound, it came from my own throat. Sometimes it still does when the realization slams into me all over again. No matter how hard, and loud you scream, it pales in comparison to the scream you need to release but the body is insufficient to release the agony from the center of your being that your so desperately want to push out through your throat to realize just a fraction of the pain to make it somewhat easier to bare.

I am sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, I was morbidly drawn to the title of your thread despite knowing better., but all I have to do is to look in the mirror to see a mad woman. A woman mad with grief that can't be eased. I think people often see my posts on ATS and can't get past my poor sentence structure or spelling. They don't see the pain that or the attempts to dull the pain that is behind my struggle to get my figures to cooperate with my thoughts. A problem that never existed before the loss.

a reply to: calstorm

I can say nothing, I am speechless.
Do believe across the miles, the internet, someone hears you and would help you if able.
Do believe. You have brought tears to my eyes and your sentence structure is just fine and could not even bother with spelling.
Your heart felt words of your deep wounds are beyond any little insignificant language requirements.
You are a wonder, that you have managed to survive so long.
Your contributions are equally wondrous that you can take time from your sorrow to contribute in any way to the rest of us.
You have my respect and gratitude.
I wish you peace and rest.
Thank you!

ETA: You my dear, have the right to hijack anything!

a reply to: calstorm

blink blink

hugs .

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I will not offer advice for the future or how to comprehend any tragedy it lands in a void, a sacred void.
I believe our grief is sacred and shouldn't be brushed away. It is a time to contemplate to go deep and far.

All we can do is hold each other and wipe of the tears as they flow.
In my prayers, WIS

a reply to: calstorm