Yes, I had my kids to think about, all the fighting, yelling, lies, stealing going on before he his a "bottom" and went on a several week disappearing
bender, lost his job temporarily, and ended up in the hospital and then a place where the homeless addicted go for help/shelter.
After about 6 weeks, he begged to come home as he started AA. I said no. My heart wanted him home, but I knew it wasn't right for him, nor for us. I
told him he needed time to focus on him (which is what he always had done as an addict anyways ) and he needed to figure out how to be a sober
person who wanted to be with his family, not just because he had no where to live. I said yes, but not yet.
He and his AA sponsor turned vindictive toward me. Blamed me. He became self righteous. And kept falling off the "wagon" so to speak. He chose not to
see his young child for months and months because I had said no.
I was busy raising the kids, working, paying the bills, and trying to hold it together.
But death is final. And, although he sounds like a jerk now when I tell some of this, he had good qualities too or I wouldn't have fallen in love with
him. His demons took hold and he self medicated to the extreme. And when that happened, he wasn't the person I loved, although I loved him
unconditionally. There were drugs and alcohol issues, so I couldn't have drugs in the house around the kids. I had to put my life and my kids' lives
ahead of what he wanted.
My biggest regret?? Being a high school dropout. If I died tomorrow I would have only ever been someone's daughter, wife, and mother. My only claims
to fame. Nothing that I have achieved above and beyond that.
Isn't being a wife, mother, daughter enough, touching lives?
One of my regrets all though a small one compared to my biggest one (though the individual concerned probably thinks the opposite) is being a high
school drop out. I'm 34 years old now and my academical education stopped 18 years ago. I've been taking courses here and there, went to different
schools but never really stuck it out and always thought I'd have more time later. This just kept on happening, if I would've been patient back then
I'd be graduated a long long time ago. But it is what it is, I'm self taught on a lot of subjects and I've heard I'm pretty intelligent so that counts
NOW...my sob story, which lasted almost a decade, I had this really REALLY! great uncle (my moms brother) He was like a dad to me, like a best friend.
He was ALWAYS there and stayed in my life for the first 19 years of my existence. He was such a great soul but he was troubled too. Always on
painkillers due to chronic headache from an injury that he got in 1987 and he did drink a lot (but then again, everybody in my family does)
He knew things. For example, he knew he would die young. he didn't know when, but often he thought this was it. When that occurred he'd call me and
say goodbye. This kept happening through out the years, until I just rolled my eyes on the other side of the phone and played along. Now, on April 5th
2000 he called me and told me the same news and begged me to come over and have a drink with him and his friends. I'd just been in school (one of the
times I was attempting to study which failed eventually) so I was really tired and declined. Thought he'd still be here tomorrow as usual when this
conversation happened. I woke up the next day, feeling kind of weird...couldn't shake this feeling off, I skipped school for the first time in a year
and went to a friends house instead.
Then 3 hours after the school had started I received a phone call from my mother, telling me that my uncle had passed away around 6 am in the morning.
This sent me on a downwards spiral and ruined my life for the next years and all I could think about was, WHAT IF I WERE THERE?? It had something to
do with his lungs (my English is not good enough to be able to say what exactly) but I just couldn't stop thinking, if I WERE THERE he´d have been
somewhere else and might not have died. He died in his sleep, he might have been awake if I were there etc. These kind of obsessions which eventually
lead to me blaming myself for his passing away.
People kept telling me it was God's will but that just made me mad at God.
People kept telling me it was fates, it was supposed to happen like this and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I didn't want to hear
It wasn't until later when I met this wonderful lady with an angel like aura that I accepted it for what it was because she helped me understand this.
Today, I do realize, that no matter how bad I FEEL because of this my uncle wouldn't want me to hurt, that just makes it harder for him and that's
really not something I want. I have let go. In return I got A REAL strong guardian angel. Today, I'm not sure if this actually is a regret, could be a
regret from the past...
As for the general topic of regrets, I really do like myself and my existence and wouldn't trade for anyone else. I'm sooo far from being perfect but
my flaws are all mine. Every single thing that has happened since 1981 has developed my character and turned me into the unique human being I am right
now. If my life would've been easy I would be the most boring person on earth. Everything that happened had a purpose, even though I didn't agree at
the moment (hell, or even now!) But F it! I'm here, with stories to tell. Don't they say the biggest lessons comes from losing anyway? Not taking the
chance (causing future regrets) should definitely be something that gives us stat points to build our experience.
I'ma let you guys listen to my uncle's favorite hip hop song (yes he was THAT awesome, he listened to hip hop music with me) You can play it along
while you're reading
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