originally posted by: Th3D0Ct0R
I bring up the fact that I'm not too good at talking, and this isn't my usual choice of activity, my father starts saying it's not my fault, he
understands ect ect.
I hope you don't mind - I would like to offer some insight based on my own similar family 'experience' and what I have learned about the psychology of
family relationship dynamics:
It was good that you just came right out and told him what you were experiencing, and it looks to me as if he was sincere in trying to reassure you
that he understood.
Also, I get the feeling that sitting in silence with you doesn't trouble your dad at all - it may feel perfectly natural to him to just 'not talk' if
he doesn't have anything in particular to say..
You know, there's nothing 'unusual' about a parent and child simply not having enough in common to be able to converse easily - it's a very common
...I have to work like a dog to come up with conversational 'material' when I'm alone with my dad! Here are a couple (somewhat) helpful things I came
Most of it applies to any situations where you are struggling to make conversation with someone:
Instead of trying to "produce interesting conversation", think of questions you can ask him which require more than a 'yes or no' answer -
- the best way to come up with questions is to learn what sorts of 'topics' interest him -
- keep your eyes and ears open whenever you're around your dad and his friends, what do they talk about? What does he do in his spare time? If he
reads the newspaper or anything, try to get a peek at what sorts of articles he reads most intently or comments on.
Anytime you're with him pay attention to where his attention 'wanders' to - like, walking down the street or in the underground, notice what sorts of
things draw his eyes - certain things in shop windows, particular advertisement signs on buses or trains...this is how you gather food for thought as
to formulating questions to ask that can be helpful in 'sparking' a bit of discussion (even just an exchange of a few sentences is enough).
When I know that I'll be getting together with my dad, I actually 'prepare' for the visit by sitting myself down for a thorough thinking 'session'
where I make mental notes about things I've seen around town or in the news or whatever that I can try and 'get him' talking about (by asking his
...think thru your past week or so and see if anything you saw or that happened might could be used as an 'opener' (i.e. something like, "Hey, a
friend at work was telling how he met his wife, and it got me wondering how you and mom met.") Maybe something reminded you of a childhood memory that
you can ask him about..
-- Okay, sorry for all the unsolicited advice
Last thing: Just because you guys don't actively talk much, doesn't mean you aren't (in your dad's mind at least) 'close'. The main thing is to keep
the lines of communication 'open' - even if they don't get much use
...your dad seems very accepting of listening to your feelings and appreciative of your company - and that can be a very rare trait which really shows
that under the 'silent' surface, your dad cares about you and values your relationship.
P.S. As far as feeling guilty about turning down your father's invite to go out on Father's day -
- guilt over something like that is a waste of time and energy. Instead, just take a moment the next time you see him to express your feelings -
- tell him you feel bad about not going out with him on Father's day, but you had been feeling so uncomfortable about having such a hard time making
conversation when you went out the day before, that you were afraid you would spoil his enjoyment of the evening...
...Oh, and before you approach him, you might want to think of some sort of 'closing comment' to express appreciating his being your father...
edit on 7-9-2015 by lostgirl because: (no reason given)