In reading the OP, I reflected upon all the men I know that repeatedly get stuck in the friend zone by women. Most of them are good looking, witty,
kind, interesting fellows! It just doesn't seem rational that they are not snatched up quickly- but even I will consider them as friend material only-
even if I was single.
So I asked myself- on the most basic level, what is it that makes them potential friends and not lovers?
What is that essential "thing" that makes tips the scale to the friend zone?
But first of all, I feel like saying- there's no reason to try hard to be so "enlightened" and claim that "all you need is within" ....though that is
more often my style, and I feel it has a certain truth to it. On the other hand, we have the right to just acknowledge basic down to earth needs for a
mate and partner. We're currently incarnated, and the flesh has certain needs and urges for affection, sex, emotional intimacy of varied types!
Being enlightened and wise is sometimes just a habile intellect weaving rationalisations and justifications for things it feels powerless
to change, in order to adapt and embrace them as they are.
God knows mine has been great at that in the past, and it has allowed me a long period of internal peace and external powerlessness.....The emotional
waters stilled by the soothing explanations of the mind, endlessly jabbering on about how "all is as it should be because..."
So this is the "thing" that stepped forward in response to my question on the male friends.
They are ALL good at that. They are not greedy, or egotistical, close minded nor strongly opinionated; they are altruistic, compassionate, and
sometimes even self sacrificing for the underdogs or in order to battle those perceived as unjust or abusive of power. They are flexible, kind and
They are that which most women CLAIM they want in a man... and yet somehow leave in the friend zone all the time.
The guys that complain of this incongruity are not without reason!
I'll tell you what I came up with on this, in my own self analysis-
Women describe the ideal man as that which they would like to be, not that which they would like to be in relationship with, as a contrast and
compliment. A pairing or romantic sort is an entity of it's own, a "we" which has it's contrasting creative energies that work together.
The Yin and Yang need to be present, and it isn't just about physical gender or sex, but in characteristics.
Powerful and powerless.... excitement and peace.
Action and stillness......separation and integration.
Be powerless, it will pull the other to be powerful, and vice versa.
The powerful one will have no peace, the powerless will eventually be resentful and distrustful.
People are often drawn to power - either taking it for themselves, or instead, to just remain close to someone who has it.
In our anglo culture, it is more traditional for women to seek closeness to another in power, so that they can remain the contrasting "good", "nice"
and "peaceful" one. But it can go either way.
The "nice" one will often, in the long run, end up the bitter, resentful, distrusting, and possibly abused one in relationships- their belief that
"power corrupts" will be validated eventually. Because it is true, being in a position of power over a long period of time does go into an extreme and
degenerate. But so does the other role, which if sustained a long time, becomes victimization, covert manipulation, passive aggressivity....
People can tell when someone is adverse or repulsed by taking power themselves, and that tells them- in a relationship, I'll end up corrupt and
stressed over time if involved with them. That is the moment the scale tips into FZ.
The only long term solution to this problem that my mate and I found is to be consciously embracing either role, and facilitating each ones needs to
move in or out of it. Being willing to step up and be the power with the reins of the buggy, (with all the responsibility, accountability, excitement
and stress that comes with it)
or being willing to sit in the back, relax, and trust the other with that role (with all the moral self rightiousness, peace ,connection with all, and
individual frustration that goes with that).
Each time remembering life is just a stage, and we are merely players!
edit on 1-8-2015 by Bluesma because: (no reason given)