I was lost in a beautiful delusion

a reply to: nwtrucker

I'd say that he merits her help in overcoming the usage-that's assuming there's a willingness desire to change his usage and the mentality that withheld that usage from her.

So, she should only stay IF HE QUITS? What if he doesn't WANT to, and they decide MUTUALLY to just continue as they have been?

Like others have said - he's not a serial killer or rapist, he hasn't given her HIV, he's not out pimping prostitutes and robbing banks.

You're right - it's HER call. HER call to decide how SHE wants to respond - not what she wants to make HIM do - and to realize that the only person she can control is herself.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs
He thought I was going to freak out on him.
I definitely would not have turned him in or done anything to hurt him. If he would have been doing this before we were married and I would have found out about it then I would have talked with him about it then and if he was adamant on doing it then we just simply would not have proceeded with the relationship. We were open in our conversations about what we did and did not want in a relationship.

originally posted by: sassymcsnickerson
a reply to: BuzzyWigs
He thought I was going to freak out on him.

This thread looks like evidence that he was correct in his fears.

a reply to: intrptr

As hard as this is, you need to make arrangements to end it in preparation for confronting him one last time about it.

He has to seek treatment or you're gone.

No, that's not the answer. That's control and coercion.

a reply to: nwtrucker

There's a saying in the trucking industry,

Oh, the trucking industry, well that just solves everything.

Anyway... I have no personal desire to get invested into some silly emotional debate about relationships, of all things.... But imo, government policy on moral behavior, is insignificant to reality. Smoking a little something (or whatever) behind your back is no different to sneaking a few beers. If your prepared to end a serious relationship over such an insignificant act, then whatever.

But its just incredibly short sighted, imo,

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

People change, no matter what conversations they had 20 years earlier.

Better to sort out what is happening NOW and how to deal with it than to ruminate on "woulda coulda shoulda."

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

No, that's not the answer. That's control and coercion.

What, he hasn't been lying to control her, using her "ignorance is bliss" to support his addiction, the whole time?

Thats pretty controlling and coercive, lying about it for years, don't you think?

Thats why she's so upset and rightfully so. He breached that honesty and trust by keeping it secret.

Like she said in an earlier post, she would have talked about it like every other issue. That he kept it secret loses that trust about that and by the way, what else? See how the relationship is broken down?

a reply to: Subaeruginosa
Dude it wasn't weed! If you have no personal desire to get invested into some silly emotional debate about relationships then what the hell are you doing on my thread in the "relationships" forum. TROLL leave this place and take your smart assed comments with you.

a reply to: intrptr

Please don't try to "school me" on this issue. I know what I'm talking about in more ways than one.

originally posted by: sassymcsnickerson
a reply to: Subaeruginosa
Dude it wasn't weed! If you have no personal desire to get invested into some silly emotional debate about relationships then what the hell are you doing on my thread in the "relationships" forum. TROLL leave this place and take your smart assed comments with you.

You don't own this thread, you aren't a mod, and if you didn't want honest feed back why did you create this thread in the first place?

Now I see why your husband wanted to self medicate.....control freaks seldom have any thing but dysfunctional relationships.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

Yes, I stand corrected. It doesn't change the fact that it's her call. Not yours or mine.

We don't know the full details-nor do I want to- my motivation for response is not her leaving him or in any way questioning her decision process whatsoever.

It is the judgmental individuals that label the issue 'benign' or lessen/marginalize the her evaluation of the situation.

Some forgive more easily than others. Some hold firm on points of personal integrity and will not compromise them.

Simply put, I support her decision, either way.

a reply to: nwtrucker

Cool. Glad we cleared that up. I'm actually trained to deal with this sort of situation (and have experience with it) - just like you are trained to drive a big rig.

I haven't TOLD HER what to do. I've been asking her open-ended questions, based on the fact that SHE is the expert on herself and that she has options.

I appreciate the words of wisdom and constructive criticism. You have given me much to take into consideration. As I stated before I had no one to talk to about this issue and that's why I posted it on here. I didn't come here to whine or cry. Just needed some insight. Thank you.
MODS you can close this thread, if you don't mind.

originally posted by: sassymcsnickerson
a reply to: Subaeruginosa
Dude it wasn't weed! If you have no personal desire to get invested into some silly emotional debate about relationships then what the hell are you doing on my thread in the "relationships" forum. TROLL leave this place and take your smart assed comments with you.

It wouldn't really matter what drug it was to me. My investment in the conversation was simply about drug use not being a reason to destroy a happy life between two people.

But, I'll happily back off quietly, if that's what you want...I know how emotional women can be. No need for mean words like troll.

Peace

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

You obviously has issue with control. (So do I, actually.)

In this case I see it as agreements, a pact between two individuals, a bond. Based on trust.

Not control. I he wants to do drugs, he can. If she feels that wasn't part of the pact/marriage, hidden from her and considers the pact null and void she, also, can.

Not control, choice.

originally posted by: Subaeruginosa

But its just incredibly short sighted, imo,

Or some people don't want to be around drunks, drug users and smokers..

If that does it for you then great but the OP has years of a major secret to deal with and may not find those behaviors as enjoyable as you do.

a reply to: nwtrucker

LOL!! Who am I trying to control? I learned a long time ago that I can't control others.

Okay, you are not staying caught up here, and the OP has requested the end of the thread, so I'm going to honor that.

I'm sorry to tell you but your man isn't the innocent, lacking life experience person you think he is.

He managed to seek out drugs and use them successfully and clandestinely for years.

You are not an idiot, you simply had no, or not enough, experience of drug users.

You say that the deceit is difficult to deal with and I totally understand that. But drug takers ARE deceitful and sneaky. You can't trust them to tell the truth and they will go to great lengths to hide their usage. Even if their friends and family are aware of their addiction the chances are that they will hide how much they actually do. Same with alcoholics.

I know someone who was dried out years ago and spent 6 months going to a day centre - all the while having been back on drugs. Non of the professionals ever caught on - he only had to confess to everybody when his dealer stopped giving him credit. But, he played down how much he'd taken and for how long. So they gave him something to clear his system - it nearly killed him. I was the one who called the ambulance eventually. At first I told him to F. off and sort himself out since he'd brought it on himself. But, he couldn't use the phone and finally said 'I'm dying' in a way desperate enough to get my attention. He had to have his heart re-started in the ambulance with the electric paddles - imagine how I felt about that.

You don't say if your man can be trusted with money but, even if he has never used your money for drugs up until now, the day may well come when you find you cannot trust him financially. And remember, he has already proved to be an adept deceiver.

It's not my business to suggest to you how you should live your life, but I would urge you to inform yourself as much as you can about the behaviour of addicts. And, realise that your relationship will be lacking trust from now on. It's a terrible thing to be close to someone you cannot trust, to be suspicious all the time. It's even more terrible when, later on, you discover that every suspicion you ever had was right.

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Personally, I'd probably be closer to your view on it.

I draw the line on any righteous indignation laid at her feet merely because you disagree with her....

originally posted by: sassymcsnickerson
a reply to: BuzzyWigs
He thought I was going to freak out on him.
I definitely would not have turned him in or done anything to hurt him. If he would have been doing this before we were married and I would have found out about it then I would have talked with him about it then and if he was adamant on doing it then we just simply would not have proceeded with the relationship. We were open in our conversations about what we did and did not want in a relationship.

They always think you'll freak out - whatever they are hiding or lying about.

It's how they justify it to themselves.

You've said right there that, had you known, you would not have proceeded with the relationship if he continued his drug use. He knew that - that's why he withheld the information.

I never freak out about anything - and I've had a lot that I could have freaked out about. I always listen and always try and find a solution to problems. But, it's always the same - information is withheld on the grounds that I might freak out. ie - not comply with the other person's wishes or I might raise some reasonable objection.