Fiancee cast me aside when She needs me the most. I don't get it ?? :(

Guys , I'm not usually one to authors such posts but I'm at a loss.

My Fiancee split with me last week and banned me from any contact with Her Daughter who I have Loved/Supported and cared for for over 5 years.

Back Story:
During a very trying time for both of us 13 years ago we embarked on a wonderful Affair (yes , not everyone agrees but sometimes it just happens.)
Life dictated that we call it a day and continue with those Partners we had.

Years later in 2010 we met entirely at random. She had a 5 year old Daughter as was a single Mum. I was just coming out of a so so relationship amicably. As friends who had not spoken for years we both agreed to keep in touch offering support where and when we could.

Not many people get a second stab at happiness but we did.

All the old feelings soon came back and we discussed me taking on her Daughter. I was cautious as I never had any Children myself but the Love I felt for them both made that decision simple.

Her Daughter welcomed me with open arms and I learned very quickly how wondferful the unconditional love of a Child can be.

We both have (had) things in life to sort out some of which we both procrastinated over. These led to a litle underlying tension as everyone goes through. Then ...

This Year:
Sadly after a very short illness, Her Daughter was rushed to the Paediatric Unit for a seemingly routine Blood Transfusion. I waited until the early hours with them and was told there was no point in us both hanging around and to come back at 9am.

Arrived on the Ward at 9am and told to sit down before She told me Her Daughter's Kidneys had failed. I wrote about the cause from the Renal Unit in this previous post.

After a bout of Intensive Care and a number of weeks of Specialist Treatment in another City, She spent the next few Months as an In-patient at our Local Hospital before being released as a 4 day a week Outpatient.

Last week Mum and I met in the Evening after I'd finished work as her Daughter was temporarily readmitted.

I was told I had to leave immediately and was to cease all contact with Her Daughter. Yes, we did have some little life stresses like most everyone else but this has been magnified exponentially by Us nearly losing Her.

This may sound like a bit of sour grapes but why oh why become so adamant so suddenly?

I've been there for them for over 5 Years.I have also had the most amazing times of my Life with them.

We've even survived two concurrent Cancer scares as a Couple! (Thankfully we managed to keep those from Her Daughter)

I've been cast aside with no means of contact whatsoever. I've not even had a proper explanation.

Good People of ATS, I know nearly losing a Child has a major affect on you but why just drop me after all of the above?

More importantly, what if anything can I do?

They need me now more than ever but Shes adamant that "I'm doing this on MY own and looking after MY Daughter."

I'm crestfallen/heartbroken/confused/hurt and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. I've just lost not only my Future Wife and Stepdaughter but the two most important Women of my 44 years on this Earth .

for me when I finish Work shortly.

Damn, ive been through a very similar situation with my wife. We met under the same circumstances, and had very trying times since the very beginning of our relationship.
We have split up to take a break, but have always reconciled soon after. So i know where you are coming from.


Her daughter no doubt loves you, so she WILL be asking, wheres Daddy?
Your fiancee is dealing with stress, i know first hand how some people just cannot handle even the slightest bit of unwanted stress. My wife is the same way. She takes it all out on everyone close to her that would generally be there to help. But instead she thinks " I need to push everyone away, blame them for everything and this will go away"
Soon after she comes to her senses and realizes, "wow i really over reacted didn't i."

It sounds like your lover is very similar in same way.

I say try calling her to talk about the situation, and what the 2 of you can do to fix it.
Make sure you emphasize the 2 of you. That will give her comfort in knowing, even though she pushed you away, you are still devoted to her. If she doesn't answer your call. wait it out for a few days....

you will hear from her.

Let her go she does not love you man.Sorry to be blunt but from man to man I need to tell you the truth.

I highly suggest you read celestine prophecy it will shed some light as to why she would do this to you.

You will find a much better woman that truly loves you.

a reply to: Cymru

Who knows why but you have to move on....worse part of it is that as usual the child is the one that is most damaged...kid gets connected to you and now again she is left without an immediate father...so tough...sorry to hear about this...

a reply to: Cymru



Brother, you are not going to want to hear this, but I like you, and thus am going to be honest here.

It is most likely another man.

She has already been a cheater, she most likely was cheating the entire time.

This has happened to most us at one point or another.

My experience was my cheating exwife, my brother caught her while I was gone on deployment.

This explained many discrepancies over the years.

Came to find out, it was many times with at least a half dozen men.

Get dressed up tonight, go out, get blind stinking drunk, pick up a random female, ugly pretty fat skinny, none of that matters.

You will be drunk anyways.

Take her home and completely exhaust every ounce of energy you have on her.

Rinse and repeat at least once a week until you stop thinking about her as often.

At this point, begin looking for a new girl.

If she cheats on her current manwith you, she will cheat on you as well, stay clear of these types, they are not relationship compatible.

I learned that too late, because that is how we hooked up.

She cheated on her boyfriend with me, and I convinced myself she wouldn't do the same to me....... Ya sure

a reply to: Cymru

With no more details than you have provided, I suspect that you have been accused from some source of misadventures with the daughter. Few things turn a woman against a formerly loved man other than what I've suggested. More than likely, the key to the issue then would rest with the daughter.

I've had two friends accused of such over the years. Neither--as far as I know--were guilty of the charges by the former wife. No formal charges were made and no arrests made and nothing happened other than both were cut off from the daughter and spent thousands of dollars in court costs yet saddled with severe restrictions by the court.

Good luck.

originally posted by: Aliensun
a reply to: Cymru

With no more details than you have provided, I suspect that you have been accused from some source of misadventures with the daughter. Few things turn a woman against a formerly loved man other than what I've suggested. More than likely, the key to the issue then would rest with the daughter.

I've had two friends accused of such over the years. Neither--as far as I know--were guilty of the charges by the former wife. No formal charges were made and no arrests made and nothing happened other than both were cut off from the daughter and spent thousands of dollars in court costs yet saddled with severe restrictions by the court.

Good luck.

What the hell?

a reply to: PrimeAutobot

SECONDED! WTH!

a reply to: johnwick

You miss the point. We were not like that. Both changed over a decade into different people and were overjoyed that Fate had seen fit to push us back together.

a reply to: Cymru

From the brief amount of details, I would suggest that her insistence may (and I only mean this as a possibility) have to do with friction between the two of you over her daughter's care? If she is feeling possessive over her daughter, perhaps your input has not been what she wanted to hear/deal with?

Again, this is only a suggestion. It is very difficult to determine based on your OP, but if I could read between the lines, that's it. Also, is there anyone else who has been involved with helping her during this time? Woman, friend, church members, etc? Anyone who could have thrown a poisoned pill in your direction (i.e. spoken ill of you to her and perhaps made her rethink your life together.)

If there are other details this comment inspires, please share them if you can.

I'm so sorry you are in the middle of such a sad circumstance.

peace,
AB

a reply to: Cymru

Just cut off all communication. Drop off the face of the earth. Maybe she'll appreciate you when you're gone. But you deserve better.

a reply to: PrimeAutobot

I usually dont agree with most that you write....
But in this case i fully agree with your statement lol

a reply to: AboveBoard

I have spoken at length to a Professional the Field and he gave many possible drivers for this.
He has also known the 3 of us personally over a handful of years .
Without clarification from Her even He is stumped.
Hence my frustration.

a reply to: Cymru

Maybe she's back in touch with the child's biological father due to the grave health condition, and it is awkward with you around?
Maybe she recognises despair and anguish in his eyes which she doesn't interpret the same in yours?
Just a suggestion for you to consider, what the hell do I know about your life, but such a situation could be possible.

You spent 5 years in the child's life, how many did the biological dad enjoy? Did he go through the pregnancy with her, watch the birth?
His perspective will be different to yours and she would recognise that instantly if he is suffering the same emotions as her for their child.

*Edit*
Just re-read your OP, I see the child was 5 when you met each other again, adding she was a single parent.
I know loads of 'legally' single parents for benefits purposes who still have a good supportive contribution/relationship with the other parent.
You haven't said the guy was a deadbeat who never paid for anything or had nothing to do with the child, but that sort of information makes a difference.

If he is on the scene again and she knows he is sharing the same emotions as her then that connection will be very strong, and unfortunately you aren't going to be able to do much about it as far as my experience goes.

a reply to: Cymru

That's rough going....on all of you and especially on the kid. It might not be about you. It could be all about focusing her attention on her daughter and not having much left for you right now.

Assuming there's no back-story you've left out, it's possible that your fiancée is undergoing a major crisis and not thinking clearly. The sub-text of your OP also suggests that you don't live together. Maybe she's had that relationship epiphany when the decision to commit or split comes up?

You can fight for her, but it really sounds like space is what she wants. If that's true, you could step back and give her some time. Mutual friends usually help by letting each side know how the other is feeling. She'll know you still want her and might come back round.

a reply to: grainofsand

Sadly Nipper's Father passed away while She was in Hospital. And who was there when She was told?

a reply to: Cymru

Wow, tragic story man, harsh one for you so I do have some empathy.
I raised another mans child from initial pregnancy, to DNA test after his birth, to 7 years old when she cheated on me cruelly.

Hopefully for you it's just her head is emotionally up her arse at the moment and she just wants comfort from her Mam right now. Not much I can suggest except comply with whatever she wants if you want a chance of keeping her. Let her know you will be there for her if her headspace changes, and don't badger her with texts or whatever.

Horrible situation but not much else you can do without making things worse. Good luck.

I will assume you found the

You can only do what's in your heart. If that's wait, then you wait.
Anyone can just walk away when crap get's unreal.

Really only YOU know what you are willing to do.
What are you willing to say to "Nipper" when she's 18 and wants to know what happened?
I'd wait, but that's me, 5 yrs is nothing to sneeze at.
A little kids love? Priceless.

People do drastic things and make bad decisions when they're under a lot of stress. She's probably not thinking clearly at all. Give her some space, be there if she needs to talk and in the meantime if you move on you move on.

a reply to: Caver78

I did find a few .
They both have my Heart and I will not walk away . Waiting will be hard if thats what She wants but not being able to communicate in any fashion I have no idea.
And sorry, "Nipper" was a colloquiasm.