So me and my Dad do not get on.

I feel your struggle buddy.. my old man just drove drunk to my house...in his 70k car (I am not rich) and proceeded to feg one of the few moments I get off with my wife and daughter. .



r reply to: nonspecific

originally posted by: nonspecific

originally posted by: intrepid
It's not really surprising that many of us are going through this. Just the math alone. With age infringing on the older generation(40's, 50's kids) and we are 60's or 70's kids, that was a HUGE societal difference.

My greatest worry in this is that I will become my own father.

If my son felt this way about me I would be destroyed.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. Our dealings with our kids will be different though. Not many societal issues left. We dealt with that. Can't get crusty either. I wail on the younger generation for a lack of drive. BUT, it's different today. Back in the 70's if you didn't like your job you flipped your boss the bird and then got another one. This generation doesn't have that option.

Agreed

a reply to: intrepid

Families do have their ups and downs at times. Time out is a great way to lets things cool off and settle down.

The acceptance of death is a realistic approach to the situation we are all in, you can still act with compassion and understanding when confronting it.

With your contribution to these boards, I am sure you would be a great assets to help your family through this difficult period. I can understand the burden and hassles that come with it and just easier to forget it all.

Decisions, decisions... good luck.

The man is dying. You can't just go talk to him (to say nothing of "making amends")?

The whole thing sounds a little emotionally selfish to me (like father, like son?), and as Greathouse said, you will regret it if you don't.

Guaranteed. Go talk to your father before he dies.

I am now expected to feel some sense of grief that is simply not there.

a reply to: nonspecific
It may not be there now, but rest assured, it will. You may not believe it, but you and your Father may have made an agreement for your life to happen just as it did. Maybe you might consider seeing him and thanking him for fulfilling his promise. I'd bet you both learned something you needed to learn. Perhaps in your last lifetime together, you were his Father and he was your son. Now you're learning what it's like to be on the other side of the fence...

a reply to: nonspecific

It is not written anywhere that dying people and those alienated from them should have a finality. My obstinate mother cut off communicating with me many years before she died. However, the fault, problem, was hers, not mine. She died that way and I'm sure entirely satisfied at it all. I have no guilt. Follow your conscious.

How you feel about seeing him is up to you. As I don't know the details of your issues with him all I can say is that if there is any grief it may happen when you find out about his passing or it could be several years from now. That is IF it every actually happens. Losing my wife and father-in-law last year have taught me more about grief and love than I ever expected it to do so. For now I'm living with my parents and waiting to move out at the first excuse I can find. Just go with the feelings from your heart as I never lies to you.

a reply to: nonspecific

If my son felt this way about me I would be destroyed.

How do you think your own Father will feel, knowing his son won't see him one last time before he dies? I think it's tragic. There will be no more chances, no more time. I'm sure your Father wishes that things were different between the two of you and might have a lot of guilt about the past. Please see him one last time. Don't let the man die knowing he will never have another chance to his Son. Please.

a reply to: nonspecific

I was like that with my dad. He lived in a completely different world than me. We were just starting to patch things up before he died. I won't tell you what to do or not do. Just go with your heart. That's the best advice I can give.

Losing my wife

a reply to: LookingForABetterLife
Your Wife isn't lost. She could very well have watched you type these words. Quiet yourself and listen or ask her to meet you in your dreams. For all we know, she could have asked me to type these words.

a reply to: nonspecific

Who is expecting you to feel grief? If it's not there, it's not there.

When my mother finally passed my first thought was "ding dong the witch is dead' but I spent time with her every other day while she was dying and am glad that I did. Now after several years, I am actually grateful for what she did do for me. I dont' miss her and still have anger towards her but I am grateful that she was my mother and did the best she could.

Just be kind.

originally posted by: nonspecific

originally posted by: intrepid
It's not really surprising that many of us are going through this. Just the math alone. With age infringing on the older generation(40's, 50's kids) and we are 60's or 70's kids, that was a HUGE societal difference.

My greatest worry in this is that I will become my own father.

If my son felt this way about me I would be destroyed.

LOL of course you will become your father, in some ways and not in others...

Someone called this a 'reckoning' - I rather like that.

a reply to: nonspecific

you dont have to feel or show grief, just attend and pay your regards, even if it means nothing to you, do it for everyone else involved if not for him or yourself, refusing based on your own reasoning is just selfish.

a reply to: nonspecific

If you don't see him, you run the risk of regretting it when he's gone. If that happens you'll have the rest of your life to regret it.

You should see him. If your feelings don't change, it won't make any difference. If they do change, you'll feel better. No lose situation, right?

a reply to: nonspecific

You HAD issues with the "older" father...before...and still. But he is no longer that man. Do both of yourselves a favor, and make amends before the inevitable.

What happened before was before....the now...will soon be over...Do it..It will make him...and later on you...and your family...happier that you did.

I think the fact that you brought this here to begin with shows there is a little twinge in your mind. Maybe it is the small child in you someone spoke of, or any number of other things people mentioned. The fact that it is there at all makes it hard to believe you don't really care 100%. I doubt we would be discussing this if that were the case.

I say go because then you will know you went and can be at peace with that. Otherwise somewhere along the line and down the road in the back of your head, you are going to wonder. The if I coulda shoulda. If you go, your brain can never argue and pester you with those kind of thoughts.

Seems we can have enough regrets in a simple day just living life one foot in front of the other. No sense adding one that can be preventable.

Good Luck

Just my thoughts...
I don't think you need to make "amends" so to speak.
This is about you and your Dad not anyone else. If they get upset or are hurt then that is their feelings.
They didn't have the experience you did so really shouldn't judge you but, they may.
I left home at 15 because I thought I hated my Mother. I'm sure she hated me at times also.
In the end, I was the only one left to care for her. The past didn't matter. Well, let me say it did/does matter but there was no time/reason to discuss it. What was done was done.
We did reconcile years ago and had a fairly good relationship. It turned into a caretaker/patient type relationship in the end.
I live with regret everyday of the lost years. There is never enough time with someone you truly deeply love. I regret all of the years that we spent angry and selfish.
On the other hand my birth Mother passed right after Mom. She wanted me to come see her. She knew she was dying. I chose not to go but, not because we weren't getting along. I chose not to go for my own mental health. It was only three months after Mom passed. I couldn't do it again. She had her family around her. WE had an on again off again relationship for years. It was always good. I just didn't feel the same connection I did with the Mom who raised me.
I suppose I was being a little selfish, I didn't think I could handle it!
A few days before she (my birth Mother) passed, she sent me a letter written by Mom back in the days I call the lost years. It was thanking her for letting Mom have me to raise and how it completed her life. How much love and respect she had for her for giving her this gift (me). Had I known...oh things could have been so different!
In the end, I am the one who was given the gift, the gift of life (as corny as that may sound!).
She helped mold me into all that I am. Good and Bad. I miss her dearly. I dread everyday waking up and her not here...again...
I had no idea how much her presence in this world impacted me. When she left, she took a chunk of my soul that will never return. The regrets for things said and unsaid, the loss. Sometimes we just sat quietly looking at the lake, lost in our thoughts. No need for words. Being in each others presence was somehow enough.
I held her hand until the end. No talk of the past, no need, we both we knew, we both lived it.
The journey to the other side, wherever that is, is a huge feat, to have to cross over into heaven? a void? nothingness?
I wanted to support her, to help her, to hopefully give her some of my strength to ease the transition. To let her know that I forgave her. I did not need to know if she forgave me because it was her time. Her soul was leaving,
I won't tell you what I think you should do as that wouldn't be fair, You need to decide on your own what you can live with.
I just hope you can live peacefully with whatever decision you make.

Good Luck to you! I hope my ramblings help in some way!

I left home at age 16 largely due to my extremely abusive mother. I had a hard time on my own, but wild horses wouldn't have dragged me back.

Some years later I got word that she was dying and looking for me. I'd hidden myself really well and could have got away with never seeing her again.

However, I figured that if I didn't sort things out with her in this life then I'd have to do it on the other side. So I was brave and went to see her.

What I found was the same hard, miserable old bitch I'd left in the past. She hadn't changed or mellowed even though both of her children had left her. She spent a lot of time complaining about the behaviour of my sibling.

I kept quiet, I was friendly and polite. I got through our time together. I even went on an errand for her since she was too sick to go out for herself. Before I left she gave me some small presents and showed me the photo album she had. Pictures of all of us from childhood times - she used to carry it about with her. Somehow, we must have meant something to her although we were convinced that she resented and hated us.

As I was leaving she mentioned that she could see a great weight had left my shoulders - and she was right. A weight that I didn't know I'd been carrying had just dissolved.

I wouldn't go and see her again although I knew she wanted me to. There was someone else who I was anxious to avoid and couldn't risk another visit. I'd done my best and it had to do.

Now, I think of her more kindly than I used to. Coincidentally I was thinking of her earlier today. How hard Sundays had been for her when she had to cook the big Sunday dinner and special cakes for tea. I understand how hard life became for her after the breakdown of her marriage and how so much of her appalling behaviour was linked to that.

I still don't feel the need to see her in the afterlife, but I don't dwell so much on the bad times as I used to.

It really doesn't hurt sometimes to put a 'face' on things for the sake of other people. But you will know your limits and if you can't push yourself, then you have to accept that. Some people might think I didn't do enough, but I did what I could.

a reply to: donktheclown
Many thanks for your supportive words.




now the second line