At Age 3 — Transitioning From Jack To Jackie

a reply to: Threegirls

Hello again, Threegirls. I was so hoping you would come back and visit this thread again and am glad that you have.

It is easy to say but very hard to do - let go of your guilt and perception that your parenting has been inadequate. Who does have the preparation or skills to deal with something so far outside of normal expectations and understanding it can be considered the impossible? Being a parent does not automatically endow you with magical intelligence or a gold button that says you always know what to do or how to react to any situation.

It may have taken fifteen years of listening to your son to finally hear but now that you have, all you can do is move forward. The past is over and you cannot change it but you can choose to not repeat it and it sounds like you've reached this point and your son and your relationship with him is only going to progress and improve.

Listen well to both the parents and children who have walked this path before. Jade has lived through being a miserable unhappy and hating the world period of time and I think I may have perfected the art? Jade's and my parents saw their children become withdraw, depressed, greatly sad, angry and at times in fear of causing self harm.

The point here is you are not alone and should be hopeful. From all perspectives, trans issues are huge and very hard on everyone but you can see from the parents and kids here there's good reason to believe that everything will work out.

Take care, Threegirls. Don't be a stranger. I'm sending a group hug from all of us that hear what you're saying ((xxxx))

a reply to: JadeStar

your posts reminded me a lot of what happens (for good or bad) when children take over the 'family' philosophy

a reply to: blacktie

It's social evolution. While the "traditional" family models are still in existence, what is and has become acceptable has evolved, including the roles. I'm just thinking about the last 50-100 years in America: dad works, mom stays home and takes care of the kids, the ratio of single parent vs unbroken households, what is seen as "acceptable" insofar as children's "obligations" and their own roles are, and the implications for completely forbidding children to be who they are (within reason).

For good or bad it's just change,. Everyone makes mistakes because *nothing* is figured out. And it appears that it's good for the individual person, most of the time. As Jade said: "I exist."

That's what matters.

originally posted by: JadeStar
Thank you Mom & Dad. You rock! 😉😃😊

You are very loved. Even in their unknowing ignorance your parents loved you. It comes through in their postings.

Blessings to a very special family, who loved enough to learn and embrace each other in this journey.

I want to personally thank the parents that have openly shared their stories, this is the open dialog we need to dispel the untruths and correct the lies that are being told and taught to people about GLBTQ+ People

a reply to: TamaraAndBrian

Thank you Tamara and Brian for sharing own feelings, struggles, regrets, and compromised, and the things you learned along the way related to Jade's transition, and thank you for the time you spent writing it all out and for joining to share with us.

I'll comment at length later, when I have the time to give it due attention, but it certainly is very enlightening. There are multiple aspects you've experienced throughout her childhood, which many of which have been addressed in this thread.

You all are very strong.

Thank you again.

There's a great episode of that iconic classic TV show Full House, where the youngest daughter Michelle feels left out because all the boys are playing and she is often treated differently by her male friends, or told she cant play sports with the older boys, so she stars dressing like a boy and acting like a boy and tells her dad she wants to be a boy. He sits her down, and the cheesy feel good 90s music begins as he explains to her the facts of life that boys and girls are different, and that there will be times when she won't be able to hang out with the boys but she'll have female friends and get to do girl things that boys can't do when she gets older.

originally posted by: blacktie
a reply to: JadeStar

your posts reminded me a lot of what happens (for good or bad) when children take over the 'family' philosophy

a reply to: AnonymousMoose

Full House is hardly the place to get life lessons ..

originally posted by: Annee

originally posted by: JadeStar
Thank you Mom & Dad. You rock! 😉😃😊

You are very loved. Even in their unknowing ignorance your parents loved you. It comes through in their postings.

Yes, they are wonderful and I love them to pieces!

You know, it's so weird talking about this stuff because it brought back a lot of sad memories of how things were when I was little. It's weird because we've all come so far. I hope people understand that my parents were not monsters.

They did the best they could with a situation that is fairly rare (1-in-4000). I am so thankful that even though the whole world practically was telling them they were wrong to begin raising me as a girl that they weathered the storm (which I only recently learned details of since they wanted to shield me).

Blessings to a very special family, who loved enough to learn and embrace each other in this journey.

Thank you. I would not be here were it not for my family. My parents and sisters and brother all were incredible in their support of me then and now. :hearts:

Oh and they will be back to answer any questions anyone has after they get home from work.

originally posted by: EKron
a reply to: Threegirls

Listen well to both the parents and children who have walked this path before. Jade has lived through being a miserable unhappy and hating the world period of time and I think I may have perfected the art? Jade's and my parents saw their children become withdraw, depressed, greatly sad, angry and at times in fear of causing self harm.

The point here is you are not alone and should be hopeful. From all perspectives, trans issues are huge and very hard on everyone but you can see from the parents and kids here there's good reason to believe that everything will work out.

Take care, Threegirls. Don't be a stranger. I'm sending a group hug from all of us that hear what you're saying ((xxxx))

*hugs to you too threegirls. I was wondering is there a P-FLAG chapter near where you live? They helped my family immensely.

originally posted by: Anaana
a reply to: JadeStar

You and your parents present an incredible story of a family that has grown and healed through something that would break most of us. I can't imagine, as a parent, having to go through what your parents have experienced and to be able to discuss it here with such open, self-awareness. I have nothing but admiration for your family, if only everyone was so lucky.

Thank you! I want you to know I wrote a nice reply to your post but accidentally hit the back button.... I am super busy today but do know that I plan to reply to you again at length as time allows.

originally posted by: Threegirls
I am the mother of a transgender, female to male, teenager.

I was a dreadful parent to my son for most of his life because I was small minded and could not deal with the reality. I convinced myself that it was just a phase (from age 2), "she's just a tomboy" eventually that puberty would sort it all out. I was wrong. Puberty hit and my child became suicidal. My child struggled time after time to talk to me....

Please know that you are not alone in this. When I was a teen I met some other transgender teens at a support group meeting and in most of their cases they were afraid to talk with their parents until around puberty. This is very common. It's a scary thing to talk with other people about. Especially parents and most of the teens I talked to had MAJOR fears of being rejected by their parents and family as sadly still happens often with tragic consequences.

Eventually my child told me that life was not worth living because nothing would ever change and the body he was stuck in was a horrible costume he couldn't take off which lied to the world about who he is.

That is exactly how I felt. I felt alone, cheated by God, cursed by nature and completely uncomfortable. It is as if the body you inhabit is not your own. My heart breaks for what your son had to experience when puberty hit. I totally can relate because when I was 12 I was presented with the option to go on hormone blockers to postpone puberty there was no question. I mean I was told in great detail how my body would change if I were to go through male puberty and it horrified and depressed me so I and my parents agreed that I should be given some time to decide whether to go through that or begin taking female hormone treatments.

I am not so sure I'd be alive today if I had not been given that option. I know that even as a small child i had suicidal thoughts. I remember I once drew a picture of our house and mom and dad and my brother and sisters sad faces in the windows and in the yard I drew a cross, like the ones which mark graves in a cemetery.

I finally heard my son, I finally saw him. This was after 15 years.

**hug**hug*hug**

I am so glad that you were able to. Some parents never do. And please don't beat yourself up over not knowing until he was 15. As I said, your son's story is fairly common and you are most certainly not alone. Is there a P-FLAG chapter near to where you live?

I ask because they helped my parents quite a lot. My parents said that it helps to talk with other parents who are going through this. As much as your son needs your support, you also need support.

My child is the bravest, strongest person I have ever known. I am honoured and supremely grateful for the valuable lessons I have received from him. He is now 16 and is receiving assessment for treatment at one of the very few clinics dealing with children with gender identity issues in England.

This makes me VERY happy. Please know that if you need to, you can talk with my parents or me about this stuff privately. They'll be back tonight after they get off of work. And you're so right, your son is very brave and very strong. You two are very lucky to be getting the help you need now and I feel that you and he will grow closer as a result of his transition. I know that I and my parents are closer than we ever have been.

Many people may try to tell you that what you are doing is wrong while also upholding ideas of what they feel is a more "traditional" family. I'd tell them that a traditional family loves their children and wants them to succeed in life and that's what you are doing by supporting your son, who without your support, might not be alive.

P.S. Jadestar, your story is inspiring and comforting. Much love to you and your family. x

Thank you and thank you for sharing your story. And if your son ever needs to talk with someone who went through something similar (albeit, in the opposite direction) he is free to U2U or email me. I was your son's age 4 years ago so that time period is still very vivid in my mind.

originally posted by: JadeStar
You know, it's so weird talking about this stuff because it brought back a lot of sad memories of how things were when I was little.

Reading some of the things you wrote about the constant pressure, the teasing and belittlement and push to do things or be and act certain way that I felt for years on end has opened up some old and very deep and painful scars that I can't even get a handle on right now. They have preoccupied me today and unexpectedly kicked my ass. Soon as I started writing this post, it's become clear I can't even talk about it and that I'm just going to have to go cry it out of me.

I'll return this evening when I feel more composed and stronger. I am looking forward to talking with your parents more but may have underestimated the weight of dredging some of this stuff up?

originally posted by: Darth_Prime
a reply to: AnonymousMoose

Full House is hardly the place to get life lessons

..

But it shows the differences in how these things are dealt with...back then parents were in charge and explained things to their kids. Today, parents treat kids, even as young as toddlers as mini adults that can make their own life decisions. Children have also become central to the family system, and thus the family revolves around the child.
Most of these instances really sound like simple cases of gender confusion, when a child feels left out or left behind by older siblings or doesn't quite understand their yet, this is where parents are supposed to mentor and bring up their child....not say 'ok you can be whatever gender and eat ice cream for breakfast.'
We've also ignored the fact that many cases of gender confusion in young children stem from sexual abuse, often at an extremely young age, the child may not understand anything other than their sexual organs hurt, or they are hurt because they are a male or female, and thus reason in that little child brain that to be a different gender would mean no more harm would come to them.

Now because we live in a politically correct fascist world where those who are "tolerant" are actually bigots who spew hate against all forms of thought against their own, I have to have some sort of a disclaimer...because people somehow never learned how to have reasonable discussions or agree to disagree, or believe that if someone disagrees with you, that does not mean they hate you. I am not against gay marriage or LGBTQ rights, I am just for the protection of children and better parenting.

a reply to: AnonymousMoose

To be honest i almost stopped after "Now because we live in a politically correct fascist world" because those are nonsense buzz words.. but i read the rest

Again, i don't think Full House is an example of parenting or how to base your "Morals" on..wait... actually think about it, those Girls were essentially raised by 3 Males.. so could we use that as an argument that Same-Sex couples can raise healthy children?

a Parent can't tell a Kid what their gender is, they can't force them into it and no matter how much they "Nurture" their desired Gender it will never Change the Child's true gender Identity

a reply to: Darth_Prime

seems the good old days are long gone now especially on family sitcoms

but back to her question about 'being herself' she is lucky today considering its still a male 'dominated' system in some distant uneducated foreign countries

a reply to: Liquesence
I bet this thread is long. But anyways, at age 3 this kid is way to young to even know what genders are or for that matter is likely not even potty trained yet. I suggest they wait a few years and ask the same question when he matures a bit, or at least when he gets to the point were he can pee in the toilet without peeing everywhere around it as well.

Its a bit ridiculous, and its just as likely the kid is caught up in being like big sister and equating himself with all that, who knows why, but kids are very impressionable they will even catch things others don't say. And lets face it they change there mind on a lot of things sometimes daily, there are plenty of kids that age or older who have famine tendencies or even play with dolls and dress up, but they grow out of it. And there are plenty of girls who like doing the opposite of that, tom boys, who latter grow out of trying to be boy like as well.

Give it a few years, let the kid have a few more experiences in life other then hanging with his sister and mother and ask the question again. Its just as likely the kid will give a different answer then. And if not, well then not, but really 3 yrs old? WTF are some people thinking.

Most kids, males that is, at around age 10 look between there legs and realize they have something dangling there, and they marvel that water comes out of it some times, and maybe once in a blue moon for every kid out of a few billion they may even wonder why that is. And even then its not till puberty that they start to realize that it may have other functions, they dont even equate gender really till about 5yrs old or older, and then they have no clue what it is, other then what is dictated by there surroundings mostly friends and parents and social interactions, and definitely could not tell you more detailed answers about this "gender" thing when asked.

But to go by the opinions of a 3yr old who is just as likely to have a different opinion in a few short years with a bit more life experience, is silly, kids change all the time, its practically part of growing up, they say a lot of things all the time which they will change there mind on in time.