He'd need to speak for himself, but I really don't think my husband (of 24 years) has cheated.
Though at my age, and the time we've been together, I have told him that I would most likely understand if he did. He travels a lot for work, he is
alone in fancy hotels at night- he spend his evenings sending me text messages, calling or sending me photos of himself wherever he is (his meal, his
room, him in his scrubs...).
I often think he must get so lonely, I wouldn't hold it against him if he embraced the company of a woman who would offer it. I empathize with him,
so....his happiness is mine, his loneliness is mine too.
I just ended up thinking that I simply don't want to cheat (though I get opportunities too) for my own sense of security. I get scared at the thought
of confusing my love life and making it complicated that way. Maybe that is typically feminine, I don't know- but MY choice has nothing to do with
When I was young, I had some vague notion that my being loyal sexually had to be paid in kind by his behavior, and I just don't feel that way now.
But he has a personality like mine, and like having a solid base relationship that makes him feel secure, and gets his sense of confidence, and
excitement, from other things in the world. He has a passion for meeting people, learning new things, and has many hobbies.
I was once with a man that could not be monogamous, and we both knew it and even discussed it. I'd known him for years before we started going out and
had watched him cheat on other girlfriends. He loved me and wanted to learn to not do that. I was young and naive and thought I could put on my
psychotherapy cap and aid him.
His problem was that he gained his self image, esteem and confidence almost entirely from his ability to seduce women.
He had no other hobbies or interests, he percieved no other skills or qualities about himself, other than that ability.
NOT doing it made his self confidence drain away slowly. We tried finding him things he was interested in- got him into some classes at night college,
I tried setting up evenings and outings for him to bring together his male friends, who he tended to neglect also, in his obsession with women, we
came up with methods to try and give himself confidence (like repeating a mantra through the day, giving himself positive reinforcement).
It didn't work. The pull to seduce was too strong and I ended up finding make up on my pillow when I came home from work, strange sets of keys in the
livingroom, girls who would knock on the door, but then get scared and pretend they had the wrong apartment when I opened the door, phone ringing but
hanging up on the other end when I answered.
We talked and talked, and he basically decided the attempt to do differently was impossible and I had to get used to him sleeping with others. He came
up with a huge theory about men not being capable of monogamy, women not capable of anything else, and I'd have to just sleep on the couch with our
baby the nights he had women over.
-And if I was truly mature, I would be okay with this.
That was when I decided I could not do this and I left.
But it was a good experience in terms of gaining some insight into how some men feel and think. Not all are the same, but he really DID love me, it
was just that love and sex were not the same thing for him. Though sex didn't seem to be the problem we were very active that way, it was more the
need for conquest, and boosting for his ego- which no amount of love from one woman could do entirely.
If you are trying to win his loyalty by being a martyr and servant, I am guessing it won't work. It might even make the problem worse.
One thing I learned from the french women.... that "thing" they have that men find so attractive? Mystery. Never being completely "conquered". They
makes sure there is always more to them that is hidden that their man can seek out, explore and conquer.
Good luck to you!
edit on 2-7-2015 by Bluesma because: (no reason given)