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A never ending cycle..

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posted on Dec, 26 2004 @ 07:25 PM
I've read many intro's here, but very few of them actually tell me anything about the poster.. so here's mine.. it tells you about my dreams, my problems, and my situation as an America citizen.. enjoy..

Ever get that feeling, the feeling to just sit around and do absolutly nothing all day long? To enjoy life for everything it has to offer.. no working out, no cleaning, no cooking, no working.. just sit.. and be absolutly and utterly lazy... absorb everything your Soul is trying to tell you ...

I do ...

... about once a month I put my life literally on 'pause', I book a vacation day for work, I buy some junk food that requires little to no cooking, I don't clean, I don't work out, I don't watch TV, I don't surf the net... I just sit quietly, spending nearly 12 hours in silence, thinking, about my life, about my future, about my past and what I've learned from my mistakes, and how not to make those mistakes again. It's truly a wonderful experience.. I highly recommend it.. if more people slowed down to reflect their day to day habits and activities, and learned from what they wronged, the world as we know it would in absolute peace..

Instead the world goes about its business, stretching the average working man to his limits.. Work, eat, rest, sleep. People live their lives in such a mentality that taking 12 hours, merely half a working day, off to sit in silence is absurbed and a complete waste of time. Some people believe in such a mentality that they repeat this process of day to day living, without even realizing they don't have their futures planned, and could possibly be living this way for the rest of their lives.

I applaud the people that truly have their futures planned.. because I know when I graduated from highschool, and recieved my diploma, that I had absolutly no clue what I was going to do with my future. See, I'm one of the people that chose to not go to college and to just aim for a high paying industrial job. I figured, easy money, hard work, but no more schooling required. And I got there, I have a high paying industrial job, bright future in the company, and the benefits of having a full time job...

... but only as a blue collar middle class "worker." .. I'll never pass the middle class worker stage in my life without more education. And I'll never get more education due to the demand this high paying industrial job puts on my body. Straining my muscles to their limits, and making sleeping a full night a luxury. I'm not sure if the rest of the 'middle class industrial workers' are in this same exact situation, but I know MANY at my workplace, and past workplaces.. We all dread our jobs, we hate coming to work, but there is absolutly no other choice in our lives. Supporting a family of four, working 60 hours a week, sleeping, and personal time makes for very little space for college courses, homework, exames and late night number crunching... it barely makes for enough time to spend with your family and kids.. and finding an "easier" job that demands less and pays enough to support a family is absurbed, and damn near impossible.

Its a vicous cycle of life that seems to have no escape. I work so hard for 12 hours a day so I can spend the other 12 hours of my day resting and pretending to know what my wife and kids are really thinking about my presence. I'll be the first to admit I don't treat my wife and kids fairly.. rest is extremely hard to get when you have 4 hours in your day to do it. The other 8 sleeping, and the other 12 straining my body so I can rest for four.. cycle... And hell, if I want to be left alone for 4 hours, and just relax and try to mend my muscle aches while I watch TV, or sit at the computer.. then I deserve it. I believe my family owes me this much.. I'll be the first to admit I dont spend as much time as I should with my family... and I dont always say nice things when I'm home for those 4 hours, but if they only understood how much pain I put myself through for them to live happily... the pain I get from my bad leg is enough to make most people want to quit this cycle permanatly. I think my family understands.. they give me my peace and understand I'm working hard for their happiness. And they don't complain.

An average working man's day is so full of activity, that slowing down and taking time to reflect is hard.. Most live their entire lives in this mentality trying to make their families lives more enjoyable, that by the time the kids move out and its time to retire, they did next to nothing to secure themselves an eventful retirement. I know one man who did this, he is my father. He worked his entire life to send his family around the United States on short 2 week vacations once a year, to build an aura of a happy home, a happy family, and a secure future for his family, that he did next to nothing to plan for his own future. He worked his entire life supporting his family that life literally passed him by. For him to make the necassary funds to secure his future the way he once dreamed is virtually impossible to gain at his age. But that didnt matter, he was content on working this way for the rest of his life just to give his children a chance to make a decision he didn't. And after my wonderful life of travel vacations, and family night outs, I grew up and moved out and started my own life... And I did the one thing my father, who worked so hard for me to move on, prayed I wouldn't. Instead of continuing schooling and advancing myself in the arts of technology and the future, I chose to just work, and repeat the vicious cycle for my family, that he experienced for my me. I failed him.

Instead of sprinting ahead in life, I chose to just stay put and work for my family. I could have gone to school, recieved a good job that meets all my dream's demands, and start my family in complete happiness and no hardships. Instead I chose to jump into a cycle that was impossible to escape; And my family lives with my hardships.

I'm not sure when I made this decision to dump my life, it was sometime in later highschool, when I dropped my 4.0 gpa to a 2.7 in under a year. Something happened in my life at that very moment that made me want to give up. I was trying so hard for my father, to learn, to outsmart him, to become what he dreamed of, and in one fell swoop I gave it all up. I thought at first it may have been my leg.. I suffered this broken leg for 8 nonstop years during school. From the grade of 2, into the early years of highschool, I had a miserable life. I couldnt play sports, I couldnt walk, I was riduculed and I was lonely. No one wanted to be the friend of the guy in crutches all his life. Yes, that was horrible, and I wouldnt wish that experience on my worst enemy, but it was clearly not a vain enough of a life event to lead me down this path of slumberism.

I'm afraid the more I try to pry this life changing event from my darkened memories, the more I lose my path. This crusade to figure out where I went wrong and how I could fix it literally takes over my life. I'm cursed with a mind that delves into every single little crevace of every subject, and to have a subject at hand, and not be able to figure it out literally drives me mad.

I will probably never know what threw me off path, or how to fix the situation I put myself in, but I promise you, I WILL learn from it. I will get out of this hole someday, and when I do, I will look back at this biography and weep in happiness for the life I will now have.

There is hope in my life, my wife is at full throttle trying to get through college to give me a chance to escape this cycle and attend college myself.. and the day that she gets her first job, making more then I can dream of, my life will start over fresh. I'll have an oppurtunity to delve into science and explore every inch of it that my mind has blessed me with, that one day I will finish school and have the job my wife dreams of. And we would have both escaped this horrible cycle at the same instance to bloom into the next wonderful thing.

I dream.. I pray.. I cry for this to happen. I will not fail my father.. I have so much knowledge in my mind that it's literally being wasted away right now. My mind has a talent to extremely over analyze a subject.. to put this mind to work on the sciences of the world would be a godsend. If not for the world, then for my family.

I promise you, that when I reread this when I finally get there, I will weep, and I will remember every single person that ever had to experience me in this phase of my life. I will cherish the friendships and love we had, for I know that if you can tolerate me in my worst cycle of life, then you can proudly call me your own when I'm finally there.

I only pray that life doesnt get any harder then this, because I'm near my breaking point.

Pray for me, the travel there will be hard.

Another quietsoul.. hello ats.

posted on Dec, 26 2004 @ 10:18 PM
I am deeply moved by your words.

Hang in there !

posted on Dec, 26 2004 @ 10:32 PM

That Title: A Never Ending Cycle sounds so dreadful

more than one thing came to mind as i read your mini-bio, as it were,
your alter-ego ...QuietSoul is kinda reverse of your very vocal introduction.

there's positions available for Technical Writers
or even Transcribers for Technical Papers/ Medical Papers and such...
[considering the time/effort U made in your intro. post]

then again, many peoples both appreciate & anticipate the hardships
you seem to view as 'dead-end-streets'....the Buddhist Philosophy sees
hardships & ordeals as welcome impediments to 'overcome'
I subscribe to that Adversity Principle also ...

Another example might be Arnold Swartzenegger...years of exhaustive
stress & muscle fiber destruction+rebuilding, without the book learning,
higher education cited as 'necessary'...has resulted in cinema legacy & now a political journey.

well, anyhow, good fortune in your near & long range plans+goals

50%up 50%dn = a wave (or a cycle in another view)


posted on Dec, 27 2004 @ 11:11 AM
Bravo !!! Excellent introduction.

by the way, yes I do take time for myself...

I'll take a vacation day from work, either play some golf, go to a movie, or just sit at home and do nothing, maybe take a nap... it's wonderful.

welcome to ATS

posted on Dec, 27 2004 @ 12:55 PM
Welcome and enjoy your stay here at the great ATS!

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