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Men Don't DO Subtle!

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posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 03:00 PM
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originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
Men Don't do "subtle"

Has anybody else noticed this?

Here's an example. At the end of my hall there is a halltable, with a lamp in the center, and a bowl of rough minerals and crystals in it, slightly in front of, and a little askew of the lamp. I have a female guest in my guestroom. After one night, I notice the items on the table have been rearranged. The lamp is now on one end, and the bowl of minerals is on the other end of the table.

I don't care for it. I put it back the way it was. She doesn't touch it again for the remainder of her visit. Without saying a word we understand what has happened. It's never mentioned.

Consider a male guest, same scenario. I put the items back the way they were originally. The next day he has put them back the way he likes them. Again, I move them back to the original position. He again changes them. We are longtime friends, so I say "why do you keep moving the things on the halltable around? He is like -- WHAT? OH! I didn't realize, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just tell me?
I told him I was being subtle. He actually blushed and said "but, you know, men don't do subtle". (yes, I know).

Seriously, did he think we'd had an earthquake two nights in a row? Nope. He just didn't think about it period.

One more example. I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth. He thinks of something he MUST tell me right away, so he comes in the bathroom. After he leaves, I close the bathroom door. Guess what? He has a follow-up to what he told me earlier, (something equally as urgent and fascinating) and comes right in again -- well, cracks the door and talks through the crack.

Why? Because men don't do subtle.

A woman would have thought 'uh oh" and waited.

So is it the testosterone or what? Is it like testosterone refrigerator blindness? Kind of a testosterone subtlety immune-ness thing going on?


I'm not sure, but if you want something, direct communication is usually best.

And from my personal experiences - no, women do not wait....I've 5 daughters and my wife...they want something, they'll keep at it until they get a 'satisfactory' answer - even if that's talking through the bathroom door...

For the record, subtle, though I too prefer it, doesn't work. So when I get upset because I was subtle and the other person didn't get it....I only have myself to blame.

How's that for subtle?




posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 03:14 PM
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Due to the amount of times the word subtle has been used in this thread already I have had a freak out moment about it's spelling and use. I had to google it just to make sure I understood both what it meant and how it was spelled.

Before the days of the internet I did this with the word Fridge and was unable to say it for a long time in case I was ridiculed for useing a made up word.

Sorry about the off topic remark but it is a very odd word.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 03:39 PM
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Is it like testosterone refrigerator blindness?
a reply to: ladyinwaiting
Now I get your user name...j.k.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 03:49 PM
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I think both genders do subtle.

I might accidently misplace something in someone elses home- if I picked it up to look at it and put it back in a slightly different position without meaning to.... but the fact that he repeatedly changed it to the same position after you corrected it reeks more of passive aggressivity then simple subtility. It sounds like a silent power game. The bathroom too. Not that that is always consciously done.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 04:19 PM
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how do you not realize when your reaaranging a bowl of minerals and a lamp?? that doesn't make any sense. that's weird!!



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 05:53 PM
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I think it's bizarre someone (especially a guy) would rearrange another person's decorations. That's the sort of thing I would suggest, but not do on my own. I'd be pissed if someone did that. It reminds me of an overbearing Mother-In-Law ROMCOM trope or something.

As other's have pointed out, I don't think one person is a very good test for an entire gender. That being said, yeah, dudes are more prone to being straightforward. I certainly am.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 05:56 PM
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I don't know if it has much to do with being subtle aspect but I find it odd you are so concerned about the arrangement of items on a table in your guest room. You are providing an area for your guest to sleep, I think it's understood sleeping quarters are generally the one place we are allowed a bit of personalization (even the military is less strict than you in this regard) If they started ripping pictures off walls and tearing up carpeting I could totally understand the concern, but they re-arranged a few things on a table. Context here.

I think men do subtle perfectly well, perhaps too well. By re-arranging your stuff a second time he was subtly saying "could you please allow me a tiny bit of freedom in the place I'll be sleeping?"

It is your house, but that just seems odd. I mean I can go around to my houseguests and steal the drink from their hand and replace it with something else and say "this is my house, you'll drink what I tell you to drink!" but that would be a bad host for sure!



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 06:02 PM
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originally posted by: Bluesma
I think both genders do subtle.

I might accidently misplace something in someone elses home- if I picked it up to look at it and put it back in a slightly different position without meaning to.... but the fact that he repeatedly changed it to the same position after you corrected it reeks more of passive aggressivity then simple subtility. It sounds like a silent power game. The bathroom too. Not that that is always consciously done.




Maybe it's just in perspective.

If I was staying in a guest room and moved a lamp or something, and the person moved it back without saying anything, I would immediately think THEY were playing some weird control/power games. It's a guest room. A room you have set aside specifically for guests. Now you want to play some game of micro-managing the placement of everything in the room while they sleep.

Now, I wouldn't have just moved it again, I would have asked if it was OK since they moved it back once, but to be completely honest if someone took issue with me slightly moving a few things around where I'm going to be sleeping, I would go stay in a hotel. That shows the host doesn't care about making the guest comfortable, which doesn't make you want to be a guest very much.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 06:15 PM
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Bluesma: It was simply mindlessly not picking up on an external cue. Nothing passive-aggressive about it.

James1982: I suppose I can be a bit territorial if you must.

Domo! It's shocking that he noticed it at all! Of course my point wasn't to be rude,or point out either my own, or my friends shortcomings. I adore him and have since we rode bikes together as third graders. It was just an observation in differences between genders, that somehow wound up here, and not intended as negativity. I thought it was funny -



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 06:18 PM
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a reply to: James1982

Not that it matters, because you've made it abundantly clear that I really, really suck. I understand. But just so you'll know, the table wasn't in the guest room.

Proceed.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 06:59 PM
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a reply to: nonspecific

Lol! That is so funny! I had no idea it's an odd word!



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 08:31 PM
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originally posted by: Layaly
a reply to: ladyinwaiting

I don’t do subtle men


god sorry couldn’t help it



well, that was SUBTLE !! With a capital everything !

I don't think you are sorry.



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 08:48 PM
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I first read it as men don't do Stuble.

M'lady, subtle or not, your friend is an odd-bod rearranging your bits n bobs!



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 08:49 PM
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a reply to: ladyinwaiting

Men are about as subtle as a loud wet fart in a crowded elevator.

SnF



posted on Jun, 29 2015 @ 09:24 PM
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a reply to: ladyinwaiting

You are painting with somewhat of a broad brush (no pun intended), however I get your meaning. Men, in general, might tend toward less precise observations than you seek. Now me, if I were staying with someone, I would NEVER rearrange their minerals, but that's because I arrange my own, and understand that people do so with a......... what to call it.......... a gestalt in mind -- a perception of patterns.

Short answer: Seek out people who leave your patterns alone unless they ask permission to rearrange them. I might consider harsh words if somebody rearranged my stuff.

As to the bathroom door thang, well, I have to confess a view where if say, my Darlin' and me were engaged in a conversation and she went into the bathroom, I might be inclined toward asking if I could enter to continue the conversation. As it turns out, neither of us tends toward closing the bathroom door. Still, I would respect her boundaries, should she define them.



posted on Jun, 30 2015 @ 10:03 AM
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a reply to: Reverbs

no I am not ..

you scream capital everything

edit on 30-6-2015 by Layaly because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 1 2015 @ 10:13 AM
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originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
Men Don't do "subtle"
One more example. I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth. He thinks of something he MUST tell me right away, so he comes in the bathroom. After he leaves, I close the bathroom door. Guess what? He has a follow-up to what he told me earlier, (something equally as urgent and fascinating) and comes right in again -- well, cracks the door and talks through the crack.

Why? Because men don't do subtle.

A woman would have thought 'uh oh" and waited.


This happens all the time with my boyfriend. His thing is like talking loudly from outside of the bathroom door, asking follow up questions to a conversation we had before I went in there. He knows I hate that and that I always ask him to wait until I come out of the bathroom but he still does it anyway because he can't seem to remember I hate shouting through the bathroom walls, water running, etc.

He also re-arranges some of my health and beauty products on a shelf we share (i don't know why but I like to arrange them by color). He has his own half of the shelf for his stuff. I go in and see he put his stuff over on my side and stuff is all mixed up, so i move his stuff back to his side and put my stuff in order by color again. I go in another day and same thing.

So like i explain why i like my things arranged a certain way and he goes "oh what difference does it make?"

(facepalm)

Then when I say "please, can you just keep your things on your side and not move anything on my side?" he says that he can, and apologizes for doing that.

Two weeks later... same issue.




So is it the testosterone or what? Is it like testosterone refrigerator blindness? Kind of a testosterone subtlety immune-ness thing going on?


I have no idea.

Great thread.
S+F

edit on 1-7-2015 by JadeStar because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 1 2015 @ 10:50 AM
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a reply to: JadeStar

JadeStar, Hi! I love reading your posts. U B so smart!

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. But honestly, I don't think they mean to be annoying, it's just that they don't think about it! They do what they do naturally, and it's comes without much thought. When doing those things on autopilot, they are probably thinking about ... whatever they think about. Yet, sometimes they can blow me away with how thoughtful they can be.
I used to think if I ever wrote a book about marriage the title would be "When I Brush my Teeth, I Want to be Alone". (But that after 15 years of a marriage to a University professor who's hobby was photography.)

But of course, keeps your paws off my cosmetics!



posted on Jul, 1 2015 @ 11:15 AM
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originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
a reply to: JadeStar

JadeStar, Hi! I love reading your posts. U B so smart!

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. But honestly, I don't think they mean to be annoying, it's just that they don't think about it!


But i wonder why they don't? It's stuff like this which makes me wonder why they do the things they do and why we do the things we do. I know our brains are mostly the same but it's like they are wired differently in some areas.

I don't want to put this solely on men either.

Like with your example with the minerals on the table or my arranging my stuff by colors on the shelf. Why are we compelled to do things or arrange things a certain way? I never thought much about it until I started sharing a living space with my boyfriend.



They do what they do naturally, and it's comes without much thought. When doing those things on autopilot, they are probably thinking about ... whatever they think about.


So what DO men think about? I mean other than the obvious stuff. But like why after you or I politely remind them of why we like something a certain way, why don't they remember that? Is it just not important for them? Or is it a memory issue?


Yet, sometimes they can blow me away with how thoughtful they can be.


Me too.




I used to think if I ever wrote a book about marriage the title would be "When I Brush my Teeth, I Want to be Alone". (But that after 15 years of a marriage to a University professor who's hobby was photography.)

But of course, keeps your paws off my cosmetics!


Yuuuuusssssssss!


BTW: i found a video on youtube several years ago about with this girl explaining prep time to guys and I had him watch it. It helped him stop bugging me a little when i'm in there. He just needed to hear the same things I told him from someone else.



posted on Jul, 3 2015 @ 09:52 PM
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What do they think about? good question. I heard a male stand-up comic discuss this once. He had a four hour drive alone, and he said the best he could remember, he got into the car, and it was like Hummmmmmmmm.

Two hours later: I'm hungry. Hummmmmmmm.

Two hours later he pulls into his driveway: "I wonder what's on TV. "


Wanda Sykes (I love her) Did a routine on how women's minds never stop. It was hilarious. I'll see if I can find it one day and put it up.

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

~btw, if you think he's impatient now with the time it takes to get ready to go out, wait until you're married! But, after a while they enter into a state of acceptance. : )



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