posted on Sep, 9 2015 @ 03:14 AM
Surrounded by a "free love" environment very early on, I started with the assumption that all people are bisexual. Somehow this was the big idea at
the time and place I lived (early 70's, So. Calif.).
So as got to adolescence, I had the expectation that I would find girls as sexually attractive just as much as boys.
But I repeatedly found myself focused on males. At one point, I made an effort to go out with a girl who I knew was interested in me, and even made
out with her. But it felt completely void of excitement for me. I couldn't force myself to fake desire. I felt really bad after, because she didn't
understand why I had done that and then be totally unresponsive at a certain point in the evening and in further contact. It was like I had teased
I felt like there was something wrong with me - I am not sexually mature or something. I remember having a conversation with my mother about my lack
of interest in girls (at a time she was having a fling with a woman) and I was crying, thinking I was admitting something totally wrong with me. She
was convinced I was simply not being honest with myself - bisexuality is inherent.
Ran into this years later, when, within the context of a long and happy relationship with my husband, and in an attempt to be open about sexual desire
and fantasy, he told me he'd find it a turn on to watch me with another woman. I struggled with the idea, and we tentatively went into some contexts
where that could happen, and I was so turned off by the idea, I could not even try it. We've finally just accepted that there is something wrong with
me, I am not into women sexually... like at all.
This seems to be so deeply ingrained in me that all efforts to change it have been to no avail. I imagine that some people, who, like me, feel they
can't change it, could easily assume this heterosexuality is inherent in all other people. So any deviation must be an intentional choice and
But if their sexual orientation is as strong as mine, they didn't have any choice either.