I've always had certain internal abilities, to observe the inside of my body and look at where all the feelings/emotions emerge from, being able to
"map" the structure of my "energetic" body I've learnt to intellectualise all the goings on, able to put chocks on my feelings if I deemed them to be
inappropriate. I've always been "coded" with a set of "rules" or "principles" that have guided my development, an innate sense of knowing what is
"right" and also knowledge of "temptation" so that I can prevent myself from performing acts that I deemed to be "degrading" in some way, although it
has been a struggle, it has resulted in the maintenance of my "soul" all this time, and I have been battling to keep my strength up. I have been much
stronger than this spiritually, however I have faced many "enemies" that have been set on bringing me to lower states of being, more carnal, simple,
There was a distinct stage when I was young, where I observed the development of my own personality, and there was also a battle against it, as it
tried to fool me into thinking that it was in control, when I turned against it, it turned against me and that was the proof I needed to attempt to
"weed it out". I remember when it was developing, it would try to suppose that it was me, saying, "I can't believe that I exist" - when lo and behold,
was still the pilot of my body.
There have also been many "issues" with my sense of self, pertaining to incarnation, I knew that very few are born with just a single soul, and I have
had recollections of the "different parts of 'me'" - some taking the fore and sometimes others taking a back seat - my goal has been to unify all
parts so that I can claim all of my prior incarnations, and be "reborn" into a fresh new individual - a feat that I have accomplished.
Every so often, I will gain short "windows" into my past as a child, and remember even my state of awareness at the time, it is useful because
sometimes you lose touch with your inner reality when you become absorbed in the exterior world, "forgetting" that you have a task to accomplish.
As a child, I was quite the "dreamer" - I would "zone" in and out of "reality", daydreaming to the extent that I forgot where I was or what I was
doing, and as a result, my most early memories are segmented, zoning in and out of my "inner world".
The mechanism still operates, especially when I am at work doing monotonous tasks, contemplating other things while my body is on "autopilot", every
so often coming back to my senses...
My "inner world" is something that I have still been attempting to maintain, and although the experience is not as intense as it was when I was young,
it is nonetheless still there, I feel that my concerns as an adult override the dream state, with fears and anxieties pertaining to my life in the
"real world" consuming my consciousness.
At the moment I am trying to consciously "rewind" myself to earlier stages of development, to see the contrast between my present and prior states, I
can almost believe that I am a child again, with my mind focused on past events as if they were events in the present, such as my friends at school
and the other issues that were concerning me at that time.
I sense that many of us are born with certain "talents" as if the more progressed individuals are allowed to take some recollections of their past
lives and identities into their newer incarnations, whilst most are convinced that they are living just one life as one individual.
As adults we learn to suppress our dreaming mind and become focused on the outside world, unfortunately, many totally "forget" and become totally
involved in the external world, i'd say that in relative terms, I was at around 80% "internal" and 20% "external" - now it is more like 40/60
Any advice would be to understand the factors that cause one to "lose touch" and those are actions that ground ones senses to the external in
preference to the internal, again, however, that knowledge itself is quite advanced and you need to be able to filter all your actions and thoughts
according to a schema, trying to remain "pure".
It does sound like I am quite the zealot, and many might find it disturbing that I deem certain things to be "impure" convexly, right down to what I
say and even what I allow or dissallow myself to think, but it is something that I was born with, and was vital during my early stages of
I still maintain it today, knowing when to act and when to refrain.
edit on 11-6-2015 by SystemResistor because: (no reason given)