Divorce

a reply to: intrepid

It's bad advice to kick a cheater to the curb and assert your rights as a parent?

I suspect that, if the sexes were reversed in this discussion, you may in fact be applauding me.

But that's pure conjecture of course. There is merit in "letting the dust settle" to temper emotions. But there's also nothing wrong with having an attorney waiting in the wings and an action plan ready to go for when/if that dust does settle.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I don't mind at all.

a reply to: NthOther

But the damage WILL be done to the kid. You can't see that? Why should his son have to pay for what his wife did? This is the whole problem with our society now,show no mercy,take no prisoners. This is an ADULT problem,not the childs. Keep this away from that boy as much as you can. Children almost always feel like their parents divorced because of themselves,and they mentally punish themselves over it. This is not the time for chess games. 'If' they are going to end it,end it as peacefully as possible. Don't make the kids pawns in it,it does nothing for them,and hurts them badly.

I agree that her son was not in her thoughts when she decided to mess around,but if he doesn't have the child in 'his' thoughts,then does the boy just get pushed out of the way to suffer? Be adults and make whatever you both do,as easy a transition as possible for the child.

There's been a lot of bad advice in this thread and a lot of good advice.

The bad camp is of the opinion to "hit her where it hurts!", "get a lawyer!", "once a cheater always a cheater!".

The good camp is of the opinion to "do what's right for the child", "don't play games", "it's worth giving it another go".

I've taken the liberty to tally up by method of "starred" posts, to see which camp get's the majority vote.

Bad advice camp: 42 stars
Good advice camp: 66 stars

ATS has spoken!!

My advice is it's the US -- if you're intent on divorce, get a good lawyer or it's going to be the legal circus from hell for you.

If you're going to try for full custody, I'd highly suggest the high road & not aim for alimony. You're already going to get child support if custody is awarded, don't stoop lower for more money. My personal stance is that alimony is a greedy, repugnant practice. Most women think I'm nuts for that, but as a woman, I think showcasing your post-divorce greed is worse.

a reply to: Nyiah
I agree, she is a great mother to our son. I would never ask her for money. I think I'm just going to give it some time and space and ride it out for a bit. At this moment I now look at her different and don't want to be near her. Maybe that will change but we will see.

a reply to: socketdude

Yes.
Maybe you are right.
Maybe loverboy should continue in a failed relationship in which he may never again place his trust in his partner.
That path isn't for me though. I know from experience what giving a second chance (and third chances) to a cheater will bring you. It brings you wasted time in your life and more heartache when they cheat again.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I now look at her different

Just so you know, you always will now.
At this point, you have to start from ground zero as she is not the woman you married anymore.
Your perspective on her will be totally different forever.

It has been my experience and observation that it takes two in order for these things to develop in a marriage.
As you said in your main post, you were not the perfect husband, just as much as she was not the perfect wife.
Do you point the finger at her?
Or do you point the finger at yourself and see what your own failings in the marriage are?
You are only in control of you, and you can only change you.
However, you can admit your failings to her, and allow her the chance to do the same.

For right now you are probably going to go through a cycle of anger,sadness,and frustration.
Act wisely, find an outlet, give yourself enough time to think about what can be done.

It will do no good to beat yourself up with what she has done,
so don't replay it in your head. Focus on what can be done now other than what has already happened.
It is not what happens, but how you react to it that counts.

a reply to: Darkblade71
I understand. I do take responsibility and accept the fact that I am sure I have caused many issues in our relationship. In that aspect I do point the finger at myself. I also greatly point the finger at her. She slept with another man multiple times and did not try to communicate with me about any issue beforehand. I have done stupid stuff and caused problems and am sure I will do so in the future as well. I never crossed that threshold though where I became unfaithful. I never went that far and for that I hold great anger, fault, disgust all to her.

a reply to: LoverBoy

If you decide to make this work,
it will do much better to allow her to point the finger at herself.

I know it is easier said than done, but the issues will never be properly addressed if you continue to place the blame that is already known, again and again. You both know what happened, you both know it was wrong, but don't point the finger and keep the blame going. This is where time to yourself is needed.
Distance yourself as you have already,and stop the emotional bleeding before making a decision either way.

You know, when I found out the first time, it was like someone punched me in the chest, ripped out my heart and shoved it back into my mouth and down onto my stomach. There is no other feeling like that as far as I know.

I had a moment of clarity though, and after about a week, I was able to be a bit more rational, but I had to shut off the emotional bleeding first.

it sucks.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I am sure it has been mentioned but just in case it has not, in some states if you have relations with the spouse who broke the marriage arrangement after finding out they cheated it is considered to be accepting of what happened and forgiven. In which case you lose your grounds for divorce.

It is always good to lawyer up and get this kind of information first.

originally posted by: LoverBoy
a reply to: Nyiah
I agree, she is a great mother to our son. I would never ask her for money. I think I'm just going to give it some time and space and ride it out for a bit. At this moment I now look at her different and don't want to be near her. Maybe that will change but we will see.

You should threaten her with divorce if she doesn't quit cheating. If she actually stops, perhaps she can win back your trust and you can patch up your relationship with a good marriage counselor. If she doesn't stop or doesn't treat you with respect the then get the best lawyer you can afford and make her pay dearly for her infidelities.

Do you Think she wouldn't do the same to you? She has proven how much she loves and respects you by cheating on you! How many chances are you prepared to give her?

I never knew that about the grounds for divorce..
I haven't had any relations though. She has tried but I am too disgusted honestly which brings a whole new problem into it.