Ladies....little help here?

a reply to: DAVID64
If just being yourself is not enough, then move on. I would rather be lonely than an unpaid actress.

a reply to: msfitte

I only dated a few when I decided to get back out there but when the last one came out and said --via email of course-- that I wasn't pretty enough to be with him, well.

Don't let one a** hole's opinion ruin it for you. He's probably the type who expects perfection and is looking for a Playboy Bunny, when he is far from it. In the end, it has never been all about looks for me. Yes, I like beautiful women, but if they don't have what I'm looking for on the inside, I'll keep looking. No matter what the TV and magazines tell you, most of us guys are not looking for a scarecrow.

originally posted by: OpinionatedB
a reply to: msfitte

All that to say, sometimes, people are just plain weird.

Weird is good--Interesting weird that is. The trick is finding someone whose special kind of weird meshes with your own, right?

originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: msfitte


In the end, it has never been all about looks for me. Yes, I like beautiful women, but if they don't have what I'm looking for on the inside, I'll keep looking.

That's the way to look at it! We need to get some of the science types to clone that mindset and sprinkle more of it in the mid-Atlantic region

a reply to: msfitte

lol.. I always call it my kind of crazy! hahahaha

Oh man...good luck. My best advice is just to be content with yourself and your life and adopt a "Whatever will be, will be." attitude. Come up with some good affirmations and when the sadness/loneliness creeps in, consciously catch it and reprogram your brain. If you're trying to FORCE a relationship to happen you're pretty much doomed from the start.

DON'T lower your standards or make excuses for women that you initially don't think are the right ones. You seem like a nice guy. I'm a nice girl. I don't want to be judgmental or hypocritical so I give guys chances that I really shouldn't and always end up burned.

Guys say they want a cool, laid back girl....but they REALLY want a bitchy nag. Girls say they want a nice guy....but always go for the jerks. Everyone wants what they can't have. The ones you want will think they're too good for you. And the ones that want you are going to seem below YOUR standards. In general you're screwed no matter what. And not the good kind of screwed.

Plenty of Fish is free but it seems the quality has gone downhill since I was on it several years ago. I just joined zoosk. It has high reviews, but so far I'm not overly impressed. All the dating sites are basically 'same poop, different toilet'. Craigslist? Forget about it. W4M is basically nothing but hookers. And M4W? Well, lets just say I go there when I need a good laugh. I paid for eharmony a few years ago and didn't even get ONE DATE after 6 months! However, my good friend met his wife on there so *shrug* who knows. A heads up for pay dating sites....THEY WILL AUTOMATICALLY RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION AND CHARGE YOU. So if you pay for 6 months and that 6 months is almost up, be sure you go to your settings and unsubscribe if you don't want to pay for another 6.

It's the cliché, Dear Abby answer, but really your best bet is to find some activities in person. Church, clubs (like chess or hunting, not just dance), meet ups. Couchsurfing.org has some amazing people on it and they occasionally have casual meet ups. Just be yourself and have fun and maybe you'll meet a nice lady.

Happy hunting!

originally posted by: DAVID64
After almost 20 years, I'm single again. Now, I know there are many who jump right back in to dating as soon as the relationship ends, but I just wasn't ready. I needed some time to .......I almost think "grieve" is the word I'm looking for. A big chunk of my life just went to sh** and I needed time to adjust and put my heart back together. A quickie relationship was not going to replace years of marriage.

But, now, I think I'm ready to get back out there and see if I can find that spark again. It's been about 6 months and I'm more lonely than sad about the marriage ending, so that tells me I'm at least ready to start looking. No, I'm not looking for instant love or in a rush to find "the one". Hell,I have no idea what women are looking for anymore or if I even have it. I'm 50 years old and a bit old fashioned. I've been told I have very good manners, meaning, I still say Ma'm, open doors for ladies, stand when a woman leaves the table or when she comes in, pull your chair out for you.........you know, a gentleman. I'm not pushy, actually a bit shy. Back in the day, if I saw someone at a bar, I'd send over a drink and let her take it from there. If I didn't get some pretty obvious signals to join her, I'd just go my own way. I'm also not sexually pushy,I don't expect a one night stand and don't want it. Why? Well, I know I'm not just so damn hot, she has to have me and if she'll jump in with me, I'll bet I'm not the first and I don't want to be with someone who makes a habit of that. Not knocking anyone who does, it's just not my style anymore.
[ Yes, I've had my share of one nighters ]

So ladies, can ya help me out here? Is just being "me" enough? 'Cause if it's not, it's going to get really lonely around here.

I'm not a lady, but I felt the need to chime in here. You remind me of an older me (no offense!). I'm 30 and have all the same gentleman's characteristics as you. I got with my ex when I was 18, ten years together, 6 of them being married, and then it all went to crap. I was devastated, I don't know if it was the same for you, but I was completely broken. Not having a whole lot of relationships in my short life, I had no idea how to interact with the female crowd on a romantic level. It's almost been 2 years now and I still haven't found a relationship. It's a lot harder than people think (that aren't in the same position, anyway).

In my quest to find another gal, I've landed myself on a few of these online dating sites. I don't particularly like to pay for these sites, so I usually stick with the free ones. POF (Plenty of Fish) has been the most successful one in actually interacting with the opposite sex. I've met 1 person on there, mainly just because of my shyness level, or there would have been quite a few. That is the one I suggest, if you're not looking to pay for these other sites (Match, eHarmony etc.) Most of the women are local to your area, or within 90 miles I'd say (well, for me anyway and I am in a very small town). You can send and receive messages for free, look at pictures and all of the important stuff. There is a "premium" option but I couldn't tell you what it entails.

My best advice, after being out and about for 2 years now.. is to just be yourself. Be confident, not arrogant. Funny. Charming but not overly cheesy. Women love intelligence. The best thing to do is to just put yourself out there and not be discouraged by not immediately finding someone to talk to that could eventually turn into something more. Confidence is key in most of this. Even if you're not truly confident in yourself -- "fake it 'til you make it!". It surprisingly goes a long way and you will eventually start believing the confidence yourself. Not too mention that when you actually do find someone to talk to -- that alone boosts your confidence itself. Just don't fall too fast! You have to be acceptable of yourself, love yourself, and enjoy your own company before you can truly enjoy that of another. Be content with being alone.

It's a cold world out there in the single's scene. I wish you the best of luck, my friend. Keep your head high and push forward.

I'm not a lady obviously, but you sound like you need some you time guy. I've been divorced and you need to learn to live with yourself without being lonely or you're setting your next gig up for failure. My 3rd and final wife and the mother of my children is quite a bit younger than me, so age shouldn't be something you worry about.

a reply to: DAVID64

I often think that if I became single again at this age (47) I'd just have to accept I'd be alone for the rest of my life.
I cannot handle the idea of trying to get into dating again. Not only do I have no idea how that works anymore, I don't have the confidence in my appearence I had when young.... not only needed for the first steps of trying to talk to each other, but the moment when we'd eventually get naked for the first time, I'd be scared to death.

I am guessing that the best thing to keep in mind is that women feel just as unsure and awkward about the whole thing as you might at times.

If I was single now, the best way a guy could get close to me would be to say it out front , "Hey, hi! I feel a bit lost in all this dating stuff, haven't done it for a while and I am shaking in my boots. How about you?"

That would help me relax and feel we were on common ground.

Good luck to ya! You're a good looking man (if that is you on your avatar) and you sound like a truly nice one, so shouldn't have too much trouble!

originally posted by: OpinionatedB
a reply to: msfitte

lol.. I always call it my kind of crazy!

hahahaha

I've only ever met a small hand full of gals who weren't at least a little on the crazy side.
They didn't stick around long.
Like attracts like.

a reply to: skunkape23

Oh everyone has their own manner of crazy. Some just work harder at fitting into to what is socially acceptable. Some people are truly insane, but I do believe those people are fewer and farther between.

With women, you often deal with hormonal issues that men don't have, so you have certain times its best not to talk. Even at work, people just try to avoid me within reason for the first three days of my period - and I think everyone keeps track (men are terribly good at that!) so they know when to expect mood swings.. lol..

But you are correct, like does attract like and always will. But - men and women still have intrinsic differences, and that is a good thing - we balance one another out very well. My husband and I do - usually the things I am not so good at, he is excellent at and vice versa. We just work well together, all the way around.

And that is what you look for in a mate, someone who is like you in the ways that matter, and a balancing of attributes in other ways.

originally posted by: OpinionatedB


With women, you often deal with hormonal issues that men don't have, so you have certain times its best not to talk.

LOL! That is one of the benefits of dating later- post menopausal women don't get those hormonal issues any more!
We got that going for us, if nothing else.

a reply to: Bluesma

Someday I will be post menopausal, and I do look forward now to that day! for now though.. I still have my mood swings..

I have been bitching all morning at hubby... he put a bowl of cowboy beans in the microwave to heat up last night without covering it, and it blew up all over the microwave and I had to clean out the microwave before I even had a cup of coffee this morning..

normally that wouldn't bother me so much.. but today.. definitely moreso.. haha

Someday though, the little things wont bother me as much, because there wont be any "that time of the month"

(but I will still put the wax paper on top of the microwave since it is oh so difficult to open a drawer!.. )

a reply to: OpinionatedB

Everybody here on my farm knows "Don't nothin' happen in the morning 'til mama gets her coffee." Lol! Animals/kids hollering for food? Not trying to hear it. Beans all over the microwave? They can stay where they are for another 10 minutes.

And I'm sorry to break it to you, but menopause doesn't take away the crazy! Case in point: my mother.

a reply to: ladyvalkyrie

It would be different if we lived by ourselves, but his mother lives with us.. and ALL she does is complain.. about EVERYTHING..

I used to sit in the living room to watch television and be on the computer, and she told me everytime I was in the living room that I had a television in my room so often, that now I don't even go in the living room if she is home.. I figured it was a hint.

She is like a teenager who refuses to pick up after herself, she will drop trash on the floor and not bother to pick it up.. if she eats she leaves everything where it lay - dirty dishes on the table whatever.. which pisses me off so I wont do it to anyone else.. which is why I cleaned the microwave before she got up.. don't want her with another thing to complain at me about..

everyone loves my cooking.. never had even one complaint on it since I was like 12.. lol.. been cooking since I was able to stand in a chair and help my mother.. my own mother (who can rival anyone in complaining) prefers my cooking to hers, she says I am much much better than her..

but HIS mother? My god she cannot stop complaining about how I cook, and what I cook.. I made a beautiful homemade apple pie a couple weeks ago, came out perfect.. she complained that there wasn't a ton of gel in it like canned apple pie filling has.. I felt like really? Who in god's name wants canned pie filling in anything? lol..and I am NOT going to ruin something homemade by making it taste like it came out of a can..

so I am just not going to make any more apple pie.. solves the problem.

If I cook chicken, even just for me and make something different for her and hubby.. she complains.. I hate chicken.. (and its like really? I am not offering you any!) lol..

there is yet to be one thing I have made that she has not found something to complain about with it!

So I clean up after her, and I listen to her complain about everything, and I make sure I don't do to her what she does to me.. because its just plain rude!

Oh god.. I feel better now!

Its his mother, so I cannot say anything.. all I can do is sit and take it....I don't have a home anymore, I have a room. If I leave it, it is to play the maid and servant to everyone, and get complained at for everything I do.

My ex-mother in law and I got along so well and were so close.. I don't understand why this one doesn't seem to like anything about me!

a reply to: OpinionatedB

You CAN and should say something....it's YOUR house too. By staying quiet you are only enabling the situation and making yourself miserable in the process. Might I suggest the following article?

12 Ways Successful People handle Toxic People

a reply to: CIAGypsy

Thank you for the article... I did read it.

Although, it talks also about distancing yourself, which I do try to do but is more difficult in the same house. I will work on more solutions though and perhaps read many more articles on the topic.

Hubby says she is a complainer, and complaining makes her happy and that she has been this way all her life so just ignore her.. but it is difficult when you are the constant target so long as you are in the same house with her unless you go hide..

I haven't dealt with this specific personality all my life, and I don't know how to deal with it I guess. But after nearly a year now like this, it gets harder all the time, and some days, I really just want to pretend that I am the one who is a teenager and just run away from home!

lol..

okay, so I will not talk about it anymore. It makes me sound horrid to talk about my husbands mother!

a reply to: OpinionatedB

It is affecting your quality of life so I, personally, don't think it is something you should just simply ignore to keep the peace. Just because she has been that way all her life doesn't mean it is acceptable or that her rude, brutish behavior should be allowed to continue. Have you ever tried to talk to her about your feelings and that you feel disrespected in your own home?

a reply to: OpinionatedB

And now we understand the reason Eskimos send their elders off on ice floats.


Bye "Mom"!

Lol! But for reals, whenever 2 or more people are in the same confined space there WILL be discord from time to time... but damn, sounds like Mom needs to pump her brakes. Maybe you should go to a family counselor. I'm sure it's too late for her, but you would feel better to have someone to vent to.

If I were you I would have a sit down with her. Don't be namby pamby about it, she will take it as weakness. Be firm, take a no nonsense tone and get the "I ain't playin' with you." look in your eye. Tell her it's your house and she's driving you nuts. Maybe y'all can come up with a 'safe word' that you can say to let her know when she's crossed the line.

"This apple pie isn't as good as store bought."
"Justin Bieber."
Silence. Sweet, sweet silence.

Lmao! This list actually has 'Justin Bieber' as a safe word: Safe Words

OP, sorry for jacking your thread. But see....things could always be worse. Whenever you feel lonely just remind yourself that you could have OpinionatedB's mother in law shuffling around your house leaving a trail of trash and bitching about your cooking!

a reply to: ladyvalkyrie

omg I cant believe that is a safe word..

too funny. And thanks for your advice!

PS. She complains about way more than just my cooking.. way way more! lol...she actually complains that I use too much water, flush the toilet too often ect. Its really nuts! and oh so constant! If its not me she is complaining about, its someone from seniors or her daughter or just anything!

hahahaha


and yes I do agree... things could always be worse than being alone! hahahaha