Christmas Icy Blues

It�s been a long day, a bitter cold day, it has been a day of ice falling from the sky. Dark grey skies, predictions of snow, yet its just cold pellets of ice that fall and seem to never end, a bitter wind from the north. As the ice accumulates reflections of cold Christmas past come to mind.

4:20PM, Boss says its time for everyone to try to go home . . . I later find myself sitting in my car looking at the white icy slush in the road ahead of me. Looking at it as if it was the first time I�d ever seen it like this. I can see the ice melting on the glass in front of me now . . . and though I am shaking from the cold, I feel a strange sense of calm.

I watch some of my fellow workers slide out into the icy road and some look quite afraid, others just smile and laugh as they head out into this winter wonder of ice. As amazed as I am at this unusual weather I can�t seem to escape a feeling I am still trying to understand. Home is not that far away yet it seems like it could be on the other side of the universe right now.

I find a station with some really good music on, put my car in drive . . . and slide into the road.

The sound of the sleet hitting my car is loud, so I turn up the music, and watch as people slip and slide all around me. I just look, amazed as I realize the road is covered in about 4 inches of this icy stuff . . . How long will it take to get home? I don�t know . . . But this will be at least interesting. A departure from routine . . . a storm no one had planned on and at a time of year that seems to fit.

As I drive ever slower in a sea of white haze and bright red tail lights, I become lost in the moment. I haven�t seen anything like this winter wonderland since I was a very young child. Then the traffic comes to a complete stop as I near the bridge that would cross the river that would bring me much closer to home. As I look all around me I have to wonder . . . am I dreaming?

I slide the handle into park, remove my foot from the break, and realize I am not going anywhere for a while . . . Lost in a sea of headlights, red tail lights, and a white haze of blowing and falling ice, which can be both seen and heard. Yes it�s almost Christmas, it�s a winter storm unlike any seen here in many, many years . . . Yet I cannot escape that dark, empty lost feeling. A feeling I am trying to avoid.

Then I see her . . . In a vision. A mental reflection . . . A past all but forgotten . . . Together playing in the icy wonder of a time long behind. A time where, like children we played, laughed and when nearly frozen to the bone found warmth and comfort in the pure love that brought us together . . .

I change the radio station and shake off the vision as if it was a nagging pain . . . News. Ah Ha! .. Memphis is now under a winter storm warning, if you are involved in a traffic accident do NOT call the police . . . I laugh and turn the station again . . . find more music.

It is getting dark. I must get home . . . The traffic is moving now . . .

I can�t help it . . . I pull to the side, my car slides to a stop. Half on the road and half off, I watch as the cars pass. Looking away into the dark icy sky, I drift back to my vision of Christmas past . . . Our first. A love I may never feel again like that . . . a time very much like this day . . . I lower the glass next to me to hear the sounds of moving cars, engines. And the sound of sleet hitting all around . . . I take a deep breath, I close my eyes and take in even more through my nose . . . there is a smell one cannot put into words . . . the smell of winter, snow and ice . . . My mind again is flooded with memories . . . Then I see an opening in the clouds to see a spot of dark blue sky through the haze of blowing sleet now mixed with snow . . . A spot of icy blue sky . . . blue . . . very.

I have never missed her more than this very moment. They say you can never go back. Today I was taken back to a time I had all but forgotten . . . And it was all too real . . . I once was told time travel was not possible. I wonder because for a brief moment, I went back in time today. And it was all so real.

Not only did I see her, I felt her, I smelled her . . . she was there though only in my mind and only for a few moments. It was bitter cold . . . but bitter sweet . . . and was so real I had to pull to the side of the road. This is as close as I have been to my first true love since I lost her so very long ago. Something inside of me feels as though she made this day happen. Just so I could remember that time we had together so long ago.

The mind is an amazing thing, the soul can take you places even your dreams can�t. Today was, is a day I will not soon forget. A day when time seemed as fluid as reality . . . a cold and warm, bitter and sweet, horrible and wonderful trip home surrounded by the icy reality of the present and absorbed by the ghosts of an icy day past.

This is not fiction. It was my day. An amazing day, one I never expected.

Thank you for letting me share it with you.

Happy Holidays

thank you so very much for sharing.
very well written, I felt the cold and was there with you while I read it.

wow what a time that was, I just read it again.... we still have all the forzen stuff, and I swear I just watched the most spectacular sunset I've ever seen.

This is a christmas I will take to my grave and beyond, I have lived I have loved... and I am in awe of this existance at this moment in time.

Good wine, good friends, family, ice everywhere, memories, music, toys under the tree for the kids... a warm fire, can one ask for anything more?

Merry Christmas

Gazz

Geez Gazz what a day. It's a pleasant 70 degrees where I am in Australia,
christmas day here now too, so Merry Christmas!

I can't even imagine Christmas in winter time



[edit on 24-12-2004 by madhatter]

A strange quiet has consumed me and my home, the kids have all fallen to sleep while watching a DVD . . .

It is perhaps the strangest quite I�ve ever known . . . and the bitter cold has found a way to sneak through the cracks of my old and wonderful home.

I am online.. Here at ATS . . . yet I am totally alone in this moment . . . Reading what I have written here, along with the thoughts written by many in these many forums . . . I could get lost in the trivial debate of the day . . . yet why bother?... the feeling I have at this moment does not fit any current reality.

Christmas is, was and should be a time of family and reflection.

Where have I come from to get to where I am today?

What has made me?, Driven me? Where is she now?

It is a time. Just another day, night and reality . . . it is a time of year we can feel as we wish. Happy, depressed, angry, hateful . . . or we can just be numb to it all . . . no guilt, no sorrow, shame, or pain . . . Maybe that is the best option for me?

I see her again . . . and can�t help but smile at a time when I felt like I would live forever, and was the master of my universe . . . And found the first good pains of love, and understanding the sacrifice required for my oblivion.

Love, the first, the one that cannot, will not be forgotten . . . there is no escape . . . no duplicate . . . no substitute.

If you�ve known it, you know what I am writing about . . . if not I am sure one day you will discover it. It seems to find everyone at some point in life . . . and there is no cure once infected.

To those of you feeling it for the first time . . . hang onto that love for as long as you can. Make the very best of every moment . . . I want you to understand that once it is gone. It is gone forever.

You could one day find yourselves on the side of the road, re-living moments of your past first love without the ability to correct the mistakes or to bring it back.

Sleep well, dream while you still can . . . Love while it lasts! And make the best of it all.

Thank you for letting me share my holiday moments, and reflections with you.

Gazz

From a common photo... changed through the mind's eye... This is much like I remember that day so long ago, she was there, as was I...

Is discovering a love like this again possible?

I don't know for sure yet... But it could be, stay tuned!