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Ideal situation for children to grow up in??

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posted on May, 2 2015 @ 12:04 AM
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originally posted by: ArdentAngel

originally posted by: LadyGreenEyes
a reply to: American-philosopher

The best situation is to be with the biological mother and father, whoa re loving and caring and concerned for their child. There are studies around (no, I don't have links) that show this is the case. Divorce hurts, single parenting hurts, and non-traditional situations hurt. I am saying that as someone who was a single mom for some years.


Being with ones biological parents may be the "textbook ideal," but real life rarely works out that way.

I grew up in a strong christian household, daughter of a pastor and a stay at home mom. To the outside world, my dad seemed like a model citizen. Everyone loved him, except, of course, for his own family. He was always fun when your friends were around, but once they went home he would change. His home was his castle, his wife was unequivocally subservient, (and subject to beatings at his discretion) and "spare the rod, spoil the child" had a whole new meaning behind the doors of our home. Once when I was in high school he accused me of "immoral behavior," a.k.a. accused of having sex with my boyfriend. (he was delusional, but nobody would ever be able to convince him otherwise, because "he had God on his side to tell him the truth." my model father purposely knocked me down a flight of stairs, and then he proceeded to kick me in my stomach to make sure that I wouldn't embarrass the family by being pregnant. I coughed up blood for days, and wore a sweater even in hot weather to hide the bruises and scars. My brothers tell similar tales of fear and psychosis, but the community always stood behind dad and his "perfect family."

*snip*

I grew up in the most dysfunctional family I know of, despite having the "ideal" opposite sex parents, a stay at home mom and 24/7 exposure to a "religious environment." I'd gladly have traded it for a single parent environment, same sex parents, or any other loving combination thereof. It's not about the sex of your parents. It's about LOVE.


The situation you had was terrible. However, assuming that it would have been better had it been a single parent, or same sex parents, and with no religion involved, is stating the opposite of what you claim, that it isn't about the sex of your parents. What you had wasn't about that. It was about an abusive person, and that can happen in ANY sort of situation. Dad and Mom, just one of those, or two moms or two dads, or grandparents, or aunt and uncle, and so forth. Abuse happens in every sort of family situation we see. I can understand your reasons for believing that the religious beliefs gave him an excuse, but that is simply one tool among many. An "upstanding" atheist businessman, or a well-respected cop, or pretty much anyone with a high social position for any reason could use that as a cover for abuse. Many do. The person at fault there was your dad. Did you or your brothers ever make any public accusations against him? If not, I can understand, because fear is often used to prevent victims from doing so. If you did, however, should I assume that no one listened? Depending on when this happened, the cops might or might not have become involved. Far enough back, "domestic" situations were often avoided. With him gone, at least you don't have to worry about him abusing anyone else, and there is nothing wrong with feeling relief.

Real life is indeed seldom ideal, but that doesn't change what the ideal situation would be.

For you, I hope you and the remainder of your family can get past what happened, and find some healing.




posted on May, 2 2015 @ 12:04 AM
link   

originally posted by: ArdentAngel

originally posted by: LadyGreenEyes
a reply to: American-philosopher

The best situation is to be with the biological mother and father, whoa re loving and caring and concerned for their child. There are studies around (no, I don't have links) that show this is the case. Divorce hurts, single parenting hurts, and non-traditional situations hurt. I am saying that as someone who was a single mom for some years.


Being with ones biological parents may be the "textbook ideal," but real life rarely works out that way.

I grew up in a strong christian household, daughter of a pastor and a stay at home mom. To the outside world, my dad seemed like a model citizen. Everyone loved him, except, of course, for his own family. He was always fun when your friends were around, but once they went home he would change. His home was his castle, his wife was unequivocally subservient, (and subject to beatings at his discretion) and "spare the rod, spoil the child" had a whole new meaning behind the doors of our home. Once when I was in high school he accused me of "immoral behavior," a.k.a. accused of having sex with my boyfriend. (he was delusional, but nobody would ever be able to convince him otherwise, because "he had God on his side to tell him the truth." my model father purposely knocked me down a flight of stairs, and then he proceeded to kick me in my stomach to make sure that I wouldn't embarrass the family by being pregnant. I coughed up blood for days, and wore a sweater even in hot weather to hide the bruises and scars. My brothers tell similar tales of fear and psychosis, but the community always stood behind dad and his "perfect family."

*snip*

I grew up in the most dysfunctional family I know of, despite having the "ideal" opposite sex parents, a stay at home mom and 24/7 exposure to a "religious environment." I'd gladly have traded it for a single parent environment, same sex parents, or any other loving combination thereof. It's not about the sex of your parents. It's about LOVE.


The situation you had was terrible. However, assuming that it would have been better had it been a single parent, or same sex parents, and with no religion involved, is stating the opposite of what you claim, that it isn't about the sex of your parents. What you had wasn't about that. It was about an abusive person, and that can happen in ANY sort of situation. Dad and Mom, just one of those, or two moms or two dads, or grandparents, or aunt and uncle, and so forth. Abuse happens in every sort of family situation we see. I can understand your reasons for believing that the religious beliefs gave him an excuse, but that is simply one tool among many. An "upstanding" atheist businessman, or a well-respected cop, or pretty much anyone with a high social position for any reason could use that as a cover for abuse. Many do. The person at fault there was your dad. Did you or your brothers ever make any public accusations against him? If not, I can understand, because fear is often used to prevent victims from doing so. If you did, however, should I assume that no one listened? Depending on when this happened, the cops might or might not have become involved. Far enough back, "domestic" situations were often avoided. With him gone, at least you don't have to worry about him abusing anyone else, and there is nothing wrong with feeling relief.

Real life is indeed seldom ideal, but that doesn't change what the ideal situation would be.

For you, I hope you and the remainder of your family can get past what happened, and find some healing.



 
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