I wanted to thank you all again for your kindness and let you know that I'm doing better. I also wanted to ramble a little, (or a lot).
I'm doing OK. My husband and I have both come to terms with our decisions around B'asia's death. We felt SO guilty and second-guessed ourselves for
about a week... holding each other and crying, because we wondered... did we do the right thing?
The stress of B'asia's illness and death wore my immunity and I got a pretty bad cold. One day this week I was lounging on the sun porch, just kind
of thinking and quietly crying, and I closed my eyes and thought, "B'asia, I'm not sure we did the right thing, sweetheart, but you know we love
you so much and whatever we did, it was because we adore you so much and didn't want you to suffer any more... If we were wrong, I'm so sorry! And
if there's any way you can let me know that you're OK, I would really love that..."
Less than a minute later, my husband arrived home from the post office with a very nice card from the crematory. That's one.
I got up to go to the restroom and on my way into the hall, I smelled her. Now, with my cold, I could neither smell nor taste my own food, but the
scent of her at the head of the hall (her place) was so strong, it stopped me in my tracks. I told my husband and we cried. That's two.
Since I was sick, I decided to sit and watch some TV. I turned it on and was flipping through the channels and came across a Long Island Medium rerun
(which I really like) so I stopped there and Teresa was reading a lady who worked at a doggie daycare. She told the lady that she was bringing a
message from her dog. Her dog wanted her to know that the decisions she made around her dog's death were all absolutely right and good and that her
dog was with other loved ones who had passed before. I got a flash of a picture in my head of B'asia lightly "biting" on Mia's neck (our other
dog, who we lost two years ago) as she always did when they were both here. That's three.
So, within 15 minutes of "talking" to B'asia, I felt I had 3 signs from her. To be honest, I don't know if it was coincidence or my imagination -
or if things like that actually do mean something, but I chose to believe the latter. Since then, I have felt a weight lifted and I do feel like I can
move through the grief and let my life get somewhat back to normal. I feel more at peace.
Just a couple things I wanted to ramble on about... B'asia LOVED to lick the bottom of my feet while I was watching TV in the evening. She would get
excited when I took my shoes off and get up from wherever she was to come and "clean" my feet. It annoyed me a bit at first, but she was so
persistent (she apparently loved it so much) that I decided not to fight it and let her get her jollies. Eventually, I came to see it as a sign of
love from her and I began to enjoy it myself. It felt nurturing and sweet and was just one her "quirky" things...
During her last week, before we knew the extent of her illness, she stopped doing that. She just didn't feel good enough to get up and do it. One
evening, I said to my husband, "I can't wait till she gets better and feels good enough to get up and clean my feet. I really miss that..." Well,
she never did. There have been so many times when I have just ACHED thinking about that. So, I decided to teach Jaia to do it, which he did. He's
such a good and smart boy. But his tongue and touch are much softer than hers and I could tell he was doing it because I asked him to and not because
he LOVES to. I wanted it to be the same, but it's not. So, I stopped asking him to. It's just one more way that I'll miss B'asia...
Also, we never realized how "loud" B'asia was! Not just verbally, but her energy and spirit were SO big, they filled the house! She was always
prancing around, vocalizing, letting out a bark at the slightest noise, in and out of the dog door to keep an eye on everything. During her second
year, my husband asked me, "When will she outgrow her puppy stage?" and I told him sometimes it takes to or three years. After her fourth and fifth
birthdays, with absolutely no change, we just resigned ourselves to the idea of having a puppy forever. We got used to the idea and came to love it,
hoping she would never outgrow her puppyhood. And she didn't.
When my husband (whose office is downstairs) would turn off his light after work, B'asia would always hear it and come from wherever she was in the
house, to the top of the stairs and bump the gate with her nose, so she could greet him. ALWAYS. Now, he turns of the light and nothing happens, and
his heart drops. It's reminders like that, the holes left in our lives, that hurt now.
There's a dirty spot on the wall at the head of the hallway. It was "her place", because lying there, leaning on the wall, she could see me in the
kitchen, and jump up if I gave Jaia a bit of broccoli or small chunk of cheese, knowing that I had one for her, too. From her spot, she could hear my
husband downstairs, and also "guard" the bedrooms at night. She had her "paw on the pulse" of the household. I can't bring myself to wash the
wall. I sometimes look over there while working in the kitchen, just to "feel" her. I can almost see her there.
The house is quiet. The puppy energy is gone. But her spirit is still with us in our memories and we will always love her and always know what an
honor it was that she chose to share her short life with us.
If you read this, congratulations! And thank you.