Constantly feeling like I want to go home (but I don't know where home is)

a reply to: DeadSeraph

DeadSeraph,
I too have this feeling.
I'm homesick for a place I've never known as well. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming I cry for absolutely no reason. I guess I have had my fair share of personal issues; however, I feel this sehnsucht (German noun translated as "longing", "yearning", or "craving", or "intensely missing". Sehnsucht is difficult to translate adequately and describes a deep emotional state) has nothing to do with my personal issues - it's stronger than them.
My life can be completely on track, but there is still this nagging feeling... like I wasn't meant to be here. I have a hard time explaining it because the feeling is so deeply emotional I can't put it into words. It's like this energy in the center of my chest is trying to erupt and leave. I can be at home perfectly comfortable, but the feeling is always there - I just want to break free of this bondage and go "home". Where home is... I couldn't tell you..
I've always been strange myself - somehow I just know peoples moods - I can't tell you how or what tips it off, but I just know. I can only vouch for knowing the moods of people I try to save - the ones who I can tell are depressed, angry, sick, debating suicide.. I've saved countless lives because I just knew what they were thinking... People I see in a crowd, in their cars, on the street, in stores... I usually can just tell how they're feeling, what their moods are - it helps me avoid eye contact and interacting with them; people with foul moods and such really make me uncomfortable. I don't dislike people, but I dislike foul moods and will avoid them like the plague; even if it is just a random person in public. I constantly make small talk with people who are down - most of them time without even noticing that I'm doing it. I will just catch myself saying hello and asking how they are doing; people always tell me their problems - even without knowing me and I have always found that weird. Not weird because I don't want to them to, but weird because most people wouldn't tell a complete stranger their problems.
I don't know what any of it means; I just started to look on the internet for people who feel like me in extreme desperation for someone else to give me answers as to why I feel like this. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
x

a reply to: DeadSeraph

I was researching the exact feeling you described, and happened to find this link. I know that you posted this 2 years ago but I felt I had to comment because of how closely your description resonated with me. I constantly feel as if I don't belong, whether I'm at school, home, work, or anywhere else, I find myself gazing into the distance wondering where that road would take me. After a while, I started going outside every night to look at the stars, or going for a long walk, or reading in the backyard on the grass. I felt content being in nature, happy in my own thoughts, and it helped to an extent; but I still experience that feeling all the time. Sometimes I just want to get in my car, drive, and keep driving until I find the place I'm looking for.
It should be said that I wasn't always like this though. I moved a year ago, I had to leave a place that felt like home and say goodbye to all the friends I had come to love. It's been a year, I still keep in contact with them, talk to them everyday actually, but it's not the same. I get depressed easily and have yet to make another real friend. Sometimes I'll have random mood swings: from being in the worst possible mood one day, holed up in my room and refusing to speak, to singing, dancing, and laughing the next day.
For me, I think the place I'm looking for no longer exists.I feel as if I'm still longing for the place I was before I moved and the memories I made there. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to when I never knew what these dark thoughts and feelings of loneliness felt like. I should have cherished that time I had with all my heart, but it's too late now, so I will have to make do with reminiscing. I hate this feeling of emptiness but recently I've come to accept it and face the problem head on. I'm trying to make changes in my life, because I know if I don't push myself to change, then nothing ever will.

a reply to: DeadSeraph

I can so relate to your main post, it's almost heart breaking and I feel for you.

I have close family along with the long time SO's family as well; (I'm a girl and I've been with him for over 8 years now, and they are finally over the fact we aren't "married") We may when we're ready but it will be on our own terms. They have jaded us, and now we just enjoy screwing with them. It's just a piece of paper anyway.

Your post really struck a note with me, because I have always been the "outcast" too. Not in a bad way (to others) but for myself. I never fit in with my peers. I was always a very feminine tomboy and no sex knew how to react to that. Beings homeschooled did not help. I could hop off of my dirtbike around the local rural neighbor boys after getting my own studies done early and they wouldn't know what to think. The girls were even worse off. I quickly felt alienated and alone. This went on for years.

My mother found another homeschool family in our neighborhood when I was young. Needless to say we all hit it off and became friends. I was best friends with one of the daughters who was less than a year younger than me; parents became friends; all siblings became friends. This led to trips to Mexico. (Which I had grown up doing and they became invited) for camping on the beach of Rocky Point Mexico and I had been racing grown men on my CR 85, TRX 450 quad and my old school 81? Kawasaki 450 dirt bike up competition hill.

Any way long story short. I ended up fancying the oldest brother (I was the oldest sister) we hit it off, caused some waves amongst the families with extra drama peppered in. Wasn't great for years. "You took 'so and so' away and I blame you'; it's all your fault" You know how it goes...

Well YEARS later the families are over it (finally!!!) for ever differing reasons, yet I/him are still sort of the "excepted" outcasts. AKA black sheep. It can be really awkward and weird, but we wear our badges with pride and his family kind of accepts it now too

Anyway, In my every day life; I have social anxiety that I thought I got over, but it has started up again with being randomly harassed on the street walking to the beach while my SO's at work. Thought I was over it!!! Have had a few uncomfortable situations that have brought all of my insecurities back though... I digress however.

I want to be nice to people, honestly, but I keep finding out they want to take advantage of me! I understand what you're saying.

Since moving away from both kinda sorta toxic families, drifting around the country with the SO (Forman solar electrician work ) I feel alive, yet home sick.... For something that is not a reality. Something I want to know but have never had... Sure I love my families. But it has never been an unconditional love, from their ends.... Anyway...

I'm so sorry if I have just rambled and talked about myself, but your post just struck a true cord in me. Thanks a lot for that.

I hope you feel the best you can. And really, no matter how great the people around you; all you have is yourself. You are amazing and you are capable to overcome and persevere.

(Again sorry for rambling on, towards no point whatsoever)

~Allie

a reply to: missmiyazano

Your post is awesome. That's all I can surmise. I just wish I could be left alone; while alone, feeling at one with nature. I have been finding that a difficult task lately.

Driving (especially in a bomb ass ride. *my 78' dodge aspen mopar v8 muscle*) really helps to calm the mind and nerves )

I'm alone a lot on the beach (bummer, right?...) As much as as I love to be alone and relish it, I find myself envying the girls that seem to have true friends to spend time with. I have just never been one of those people. I have had one true close friend (my SO bf!) and then maybe one other. My nature when it comes to friends as an introvert is quality over quantity, and when moving to new areas every 4-7 months makes it seem impossible and pointless; seeing as how I struggle with goodbyes.

I just joined this forum solely because of this thread.
I'm 44 years old and I've bounced all around Europe (and even New Zealand) looking for Home. Right now I'm living in Portugal where, ironically, they have a word specifically for this feeling- "Saudade". It means "A longing for something that never was", and I guess everyone reading this knows exactly how that feels- trying to find (or rediscover) that place that, well, feels like Home with a capital H. From all the other posts, I see people are either looking for a place or a time where they feel they truly belong, and I felt I should pipe up to say you're not alone. Like some of the others here, I don't make friends easily, I'm happiest on my own away from the rat race, and I'm not big on all the crap that's supposed to make life "so much easier/better/convenient".
For me, it's a longing I've always had, regardless of how things were in my personal life. Even when life was treating me like a king I still had that feeling that I wasn't Where (or When) I should be. My wife and I would go on holiday and while she was admiring the sights I would be asking myself "could THIS be Home?" My unrelenting search for this mythical place meant that we moved house more than a dozen times in 25 years.
After my Beloved passed away last year I sold everything, bought a ridiculously impractical car and- just drove. To ilovemygreatdanes and missmiyazano especially: I totally get what you mean about driving. It chills me out, keeps me sane. I did 12,000 miles in 3 months, just drifting round Europe.
I was extremely lucky- I had a bucketload of cash, zero responsibilities and no timetable. I was just gonna cruise around till I found somewhere that felt right.
Well, here I am 4 months and seven countries later- and I'm still looking. And I guess I'll spend the rest of my life looking. (Northern California is calling to me just now, but that might just be the 70's Eastwood movies talking!)
I guess my point is: you're not alone. I don't know if we're "star children" or "gifted" or just plain misfits. You can believe whatever helps you get through the day, but you need to know that you're not alone.
PS Reading this back, I can see how some people might think "If this guy had all these opportunities to find the right place and he still failed, what hope have I got?" Well, look at it from my point of view: Since I lost my wife I've had absolutely nothing to live for- except to find my true Home. That's my one single motivation. I'll sell the clothes off my back and work every crappy job I have to, put up with all the BS that comes with living in this soul-sucking age, just so long as I can keep moving, keep searching, for my idea of Home. That one place where I can relax, be myself, feel settled and where I'll no longer feel the need to see what's going on around the next corner.
And if- WHEN- I find it, I'll drop you guys a line. You bring the pizza & I'll lay on the beers. Deal?

So much so that I googled this feeling and it brought me here. a reply to: DeadSeraph

Thank you for sharing your story. Crazy thing is I just saw the word, "Saudade" a few days ago somewhere and I looked it up. We all must be feeling the same as a whole. a reply to: Uncledekka

a reply to: SarahRose

a reply to: DeadSeraph

I know you posted a few years ago, but I too feel this way. I have for years. I have. Sense of feeling completely lost and disconnected and I can only Express this: "I want to go home".
Where's home? Why do I wanna go "home"? With is wrong with me? I'm having a hard time. I'm very successful in career, not so much in relationships, but I just can't quite figure our where this void comes from and why I continue to repeat this cycle.
I googled and found your exact words.
If u can help, great.. if not.. idk. I guess it is nice to say aloud.

a reply to: Amber1
Hello and welcome.
Home is exactly where you are..........but is very often overlooked.
If you go to you tube and input 'Resting as Awareness' you will find many videos that will help you find home.
Here is just one to get you started:

Let me know what feelings and thoughts arise after listening.

a reply to: strongdosagelovely

wherever home is it must have a good toilet and fridge stocked with booze.

I've discovered that home isn't a place. It's an emotion brought on by being around people with a common goal.

The prime directive of creation. It isn't even necessary to know these people, it's a process shared....work....community....ART....

a reply to: DeadSeraph
I feel like that often and wonder why I feel this way when I am home.

I've had the exact same feeling all my life. I found out why. I have trouble making friends. Feel like I dont belong everywhere I've been. Felt like I never belonged in my family cuz I didnt. A year ago i found out my real dad was my dads brother. That explains why i was treated so unfairly as my other 11 half siblings were. I've been an outcast all my life even in my own family. I have extreme empathy for people like you do too. I'm an empath.i searched you tube for How Do I Know if Im an Angel and I have every single trait of every video. One of the traits is a feeling of wanting to go home...I'd search You Tube and see how many traits you have. I have over 40 Angelic traits. Im clairvoyant also. I take online IQ tests for fun about twice a month and score genius on every one. One said I'm in the top 3% of most intelligent people in history. They think I'm an alien here. Swear to God. I use more than 10% of my brain that's all. Theres more empaths on Earth now than ever I've read. I believe you are one also. Do you attract alot of sociopaths or bad people. You might have angelic traits. . Let's team up.

This may help.