Single Dad/have daughter more than 50%/court?

originally posted by: InfinityandBeyond
Yes I've considered a lawyer. But money is a constant road block. Custody is the least I'm concerned with; I just want to live without having her tell me what to do and keep my daughter from me as if she's teaching me a lesson. If you feel I shouldn't have posted this in a "Relationships" forum because this is a conspiracy website, I hope you are also hanging out in the pets forums saying the same thing, what with the conspiracy with pets and all.

Thank you however for the replies.

Well that does say a lot - "...custody is the least I'm concerned with...."

You played a part in this situation as well. There are legal clinics about that will help you, many specifically for men. Look into that.

I'd say you need a legally binding agreement for all your sakes.

Don't worry about the 'game' you think she's playing, be honest and acknowlegde the one you are playing and stop.

Find a legal clinic, a family therapist, etc - all can be found for free and get on with it - a child's life is at stake.

Please keep notes, all text, all evidence. Record days/times/places/other people. It will be work but if you need evidence later to prove your truth then this will be of utmost importance.

Lay down some boundaries, even if basic because you can't keep going on like you are. You will have a nervous breakdown or get sick and you will not be the kind of person that your daughter needs to see, i.e.: see a strong father that she can relate to and in the future choose for her future spouse, i.e.: a confident, loving, whole man. Girls choose the man they hook up with based on their father role model.

See a lawyer just to find out what your rights are and where you may be headed. This does not mean you are instigating anything but it does mean you are protecting yourself and your daughter. You need to know where you stand legally.

All the advice is sound that has been given already. You are doing wonderful in doing what you need in order to care for your child and I give you great thumbs up for that, I think you are a loving and self-sacrificing father who is doing his utmost for his child. But having known too many men who have struggled through custody/break up scenarios the thing that I must emphasize is to legally protect yourself right off the bat.

Keep up the good work, you can get through this. But yes, as one previous poster mentioned, you are being abused and this is not right. You are worth having a happy and fulfilling life.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

ALWAYS get a lawyer,even if you can't afford one,GET ONE. Or don't complain when you lose all your rights.
second line

I'm gonna be that person. Sign your child up for a sport that you are responsible to take her to. Give the Mom lots of pictures while she sleeps. Now start asking if your child can attend birthday parties or play dates while the Mom sleeps.

Guess what? You now have more than 50% custody. Now go file.

Hey dude if you're still looking for advice/opinions, shoot me a u2u. Been down that road, but I'm still hesitant to post much personal info on the interwebz.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

After reading some of this over again, I honestly think pursuing this in court is in the best interest if you and your child. Once you have a court order in place your ex can no longer punish you by withholding access to your child without fear of repercussions from the courts. It will guarantee you set visitation times, holidays, birthdays, vacations etc...

And if money is your main setback then you can file paperwork for a court appointed attorney. You can get one for the custody proceedings just not for child support hearings in NY. You can also LooK up who the Family Court judges are in your county and check to see what their stance is on fathers rights. I've been back and forth through the system with my ex for years now and from my experience , you NEED a court order on record to protect yourself and your relationship with your child.

Otherwise your ex will continue to withhold time with your child or worse, just up and move because she will technically be the custodial guardian without the protections provided by a court order. I know it's a huge step and you're approaching it very trepidaciously and don't get me wrong, erring on the side of caution is never a bad thing but you should at the very least get in touch with a legal aid provider. There are free legal aid practices all over the place and they can at least assess your various options and let you know which approach will be in your child's as well as your own best interest.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

Sadly, my Dad's experience with the courts has been they oriented towards my Mom. If you really want to go that route.
1. Lawyer up - you don't need to get the world's most expensive one. (If anything, try to find a lawyer that came from a similar situation as you - it helped a little with the costs, because the lawyer was actually happy to help in this case).

2. Document everything you can - document when you wake your daughter up, when you have to give up work just to be with her, when your ex tells you to do things, etc. You will want evidence to show that the ex is not as fit as she seems.

3. You may want to bring up that said ex doesn't have a driver's license and/or a car - make a big point about what happens if your daughter ever gets hurt? (you'll be the one driving to get her).

For my side, the courts mandated that every other weekend my siblings and myself would alternate between households - Mom had to pay child support on me, and Dad had to pay child support on the others. Something similar would probably be done in your case (maybe a longer period, but they will probably say she needs to spend the majority of the time with your ex, as she is her mother).

-fossilera

In my own experience, the courts in America are notoriously unfair to fathers, so I personally wonder if there isn't a way to change the dynamics of this relationship without getting the law involved?

The situation may be in a state of transformation- you say she is in a relationship that might be leading to marriage?

Knowing absolutely nothing about the guy, and little about you, I will venture to ask- is it possible that you could get to know this guy, become friends, allies?

It might not, but since you are both men, you might be able to understand each others points of view, he might even be able to influence her thinking and behavior in regards to you. If he is involved seriously with her, maybe he could see some benefit for him also, if you aren't running her errands for her, sleeping on her couch, etc.

It might not be possible, but it would probably be very dependent upon how you approach it with him- being sure to show a reasonable amount of understanding for her, and him, and not animosity. If you remain open to others in your requests, they often will reflect a similar openess to you.... if you are sincere. I would guess that would be hard to do, because ti does sound like you are being taken advantage of here, and being so understanding would take a great will and gymnastic of the mind to see things from their point of view.

I don't know, I am turned off by the current mode of using the law to mediate and guide relationships, instead of honest and reasonable communication between each other. But I understand that it takes two to tango, and if one isn't willing to dance, I guess you have no other choice.
I just wonder if you couldn't find a little support in this other guy- who may become your daughters other father, so you both have a concern in common that you could relate with.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

Tough situation i have been through similar myself.....as other have mentioned speak to a lawyer and the advice you get should be sound.....just make sure you go to a lawyer with family law background and experience ....

If you go to court you will get access to your daughter via a court order..........that much is certain as the court does not care for your or your ex's situation...it is about the child and what is best for her and the ruling that is decided will be relative to that......your little girl has the right to spend time with both parents

Now if you can avoid court and come to an agreement together both of your lives will be much easier and there will be less stress for the little one...sadly this is not always achievable as was the case with my ex,my daughter was also used a peon and still is...i am in the process of taking her back to court for the 3rd time as she does not adhere to the court orders and i havent seen my daughter in 18 months as a result...i can tell you first hand that it is gut wrenching and heartbreaking.....my little girl means the world to me and i will fight for her tooth and nail....my daughter is 10 now and this has been going on since she was 2......

I am clearly retarded because after all that i decided to have another child with another mad woman and lo and behold more dramas...on the upside i have full custody of my son now and that helps with the pain of not seeing my daughter,but i will see her again soon all i have to do is remain calm and collected and go through the motions....

Best advice i can give you is never ever put your ex down in front of the child...even if the ex is putting you down....just wear it...never ever show negative emotions to your child about her mother it will cause insecurity and resentment ...... good luck i hope it works out for you

originally posted by: hopenotfeariswhatweneed
a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

Tough situation i have been through similar myself.....as other have mentioned speak to a lawyer and the advice you get should be sound.....just make sure you go to a lawyer with family law background and experience ....

If you go to court you will get access to your daughter via a court order..........that much is certain as the court does not care for your or your ex's situation...it is about the child and what is best for her and the ruling that is decided will be relative to that......your little girl has the right to spend time with both parents

Now if you can avoid court and come to an agreement together both of your lives will be much easier and there will be less stress for the little one...sadly this is not always achievable as was the case with my ex,my daughter was also used a peon and still is...i am in the process of taking her back to court for the 3rd time as she does not adhere to the court orders and i havent seen my daughter in 18 months as a result...i can tell you first hand that it is gut wrenching and heartbreaking.....my little girl means the world to me and i will fight for her tooth and nail....my daughter is 10 now and this has been going on since she was 2......

I am clearly retarded because after all that i decided to have another child with another mad woman and lo and behold more dramas...on the upside i have full custody of my son now and that helps with the pain of not seeing my daughter,but i will see her again soon all i have to do is remain calm and collected and go through the motions....

Best advice i can give you is never ever put your ex down in front of the child...even if the ex is putting you down....just wear it...never ever show negative emotions to your child about her mother it will cause insecurity and resentment ...... good luck i hope it works out for you

Your last paragraph is probably the absolute best advice possible. When parents disparage one another in front of the child it causes resentment, hurt feelings, divisiveness and often a need to pick sides and protect one parent from the other. Always take the high road no matter how much crow you have to swallow along with your pride.

To the OP- even if by some miracle you and your ex are able to work our actually satisfactory solution you should still involve the court to the extent that everything is on the record and you have a legally binding document that guarantees and protects your visitation. I made the mistake of doing a "gentleman agreement " with my ex when my son was very young and she at one point used the lack of court order as a means of extortion. When I wouldn't give in to her insane request she refused to allow me to see my son. I only got to see him again after a few weeks because I retained an attorney and the judge ordered that the 1/2 week schedule( Wednesday through Saturday)be reinstated immediately.
There was nothing more heartbreaking, not even losing one of my best friends from basic training to a sniper, than finally getting to pick up my son for a visit and as soon as he got in my car he started crying and asking why I wouldn't come get him for such a long time. It was literally one of the worst moments of my entire life and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It was over ten years ago and it still hurts me like it just happened so please... For the sake of your child and her stability and well being... Get a court order that protects your rights as well as your child's. There are free legal aid offices all over NY state and they can give you advice and help fill out the appropriate paperwork so you can get in to family court and present your case. NY is a lot different now than it was 30+ years ago when my parents divorced. The chances of getting a judge who had a history of supporting fathers rights is actually pretty good these days so do what you can to protect yourself but more importantly your child
Because even though they're young they are far more cognizant of what is going on than most people give them credit for.