Single Dad/have daughter more than 50%/court?

Hello...
Thank you to those of you who take the time to read this and possibly reply...I'm curious as to what a court would rule if she or I ever took one another to a family court? Here's some background information...

So before Christmas, my ex (who I was with 4 years) kicked me out and ended our relationship. Long story short I couldn't commit to a 24 year old woman with no license, no motivation to get a vehicle, lack of communication and an extreme sense of irrationality...etc.

I'm living in a constant strain of lack of sleep, walking on glass as to not upset the rule maker (ex) and hoping I don't cross the line to anger her and have her use our daughter against me. Her and I both work opposite shifts. This way I am able to have my daughter during the day, and my ex has her at night. We each have her every other weekend (all per her rules). This works out great. What I am tired of is the extreme lack of respect (even though she says she has it for me) and the constant pressure of not being able to have an adult conversation with her. I work 'til midnight 6 days a week. I get home about 12:30am. Fall asleep (hopefully) by 1:30am. Wake up at 6am to get to her house so she can leave for work, then if I'm lucky, sleep another hour or two on her couch until our daughter wakes up. I absolutely hate doing this, but I suggested other ways of dealing with this and instead my ex gets furious and tells me I need to let her sleep. Alright. Fine.

What I absolutely can not deal with is how my ex treats me. She tells me what to do. She gets mandated at work sometimes (forced to work in case of a call off) so then it's my responsibility to keep my daughter and miss 8 hours worth of overtime, which currently, keeps my car (the only source of transportation as she doesn't drive) driveable, and me in a home and food for my daughter and I to eat. I get called immature, childish, that I'll never grow up. She doesn't believe me when I told her this childish attitude is why we would never have gotten married. It will never change. Every mean word she calls me almost exactly describes who she is as a person. I would pay around 600$ a month just for insurance and my vehicle...so she would pay rent which was $650. I got yelled at and was told I should pay half since I live there too...but my car was ONLY my responsibility even though it was used for both of us...gives you an idea of her lack of rationality and money smarts.

Like I said earlier I have my daughter 50% of the time. More than that as I take my daughter on her mothers weekends, so her mother can go be with friends, or go on a date with her new boyfriend (who she loves and plans on getting married to 2 months in). Since I'm the only one with a vehicle, I take her to a toddler school 15 minutes away, 8 times a month. I end up sleeping in my car for 2 hours to not use gas and to help catch up on sleep. I take my ex's rent money for her to get paid as she can't ever find a ride to do it (where's her boyfriend?). I try real hard to be civil as I feel I'm getting stepped on and treated only as a baby sitter and a convenience, there is no respect. If we were to go to a family court, what could I expect? Can anything I've said (texts can prove it) be used for placement? Honestly all I really want is to not be told what to do anymore, and keep it so my ex can't use my daughter against me and keep me from seeing her. I have a college degree. I own my car. Have an amazingly fun and enjoyable job. Share an apartment with a guy I work with. Would I still get ruled against?

You need to find an attorney, because unless the child is in harms way, it's really hard to have custodial rights changed. I've even seen children that were in harms way and the judge wouldn't budge. It's really sad.

So sorry for your situation. Keep loving that little angel and do what's best for her and you. Hugs.

I think you need to take these types of questions to a lawyer verses a conspiracy theory forum.

Obviously the state matters that you are in. a court will err on the side of a woman typically when all things are equal. Talk to a lawyer, many offer free consultations.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

She sounds like a banshee . Why are you running around after her , let her get acquainted with walking . She has lost the right to talk badly to you , tell her to shut the F up . Sadly court usually ends badly for the man . Good luck .

Yes I've considered a lawyer. But money is a constant road block. Custody is the least I'm concerned with; I just want to live without having her tell me what to do and keep my daughter from me as if she's teaching me a lesson. If you feel I shouldn't have posted this in a "Relationships" forum because this is a conspiracy website, I hope you are also hanging out in the pets forums saying the same thing, what with the conspiracy with pets and all.

Thank you however for the replies.

a reply to: hutch622

She's very unintelligent and very irrational, and honestly I'm not trying to be mean. It's as if we ended a 30 year marriage and I ruined her life. Pure insanity. I resort from any kind of bad mouthing and swearing to her, as I'd like to remain the only intelligent parent. It's tougher being away from her than it was with her lol.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

I don't know what state you are in, so my reply is based on my location.


My state no matter what, will always take sides with the mommy.

You need to take notes by video, sound recording, or write it down everything she does.
When you see your ex, video tape it (USA laws allow video tapping anyone without consent (with out sound or conversation)).
Take photos.
When she calls, record the call.
Get any and all information on her..

Then you need to prove without a doubt that your ex is unfit for your child. Then take this information to a lawyer that works for men's rights.

good luck

Let me tell you something...straight up.

If you involve the Court then you have no idea what you will get.

Your current situation sounds brutal, don't get me wrong. However remaining on speaking terms is important, because it's better than court mandated access. When the courts get involved you have to keep records of each and every violation, go back and present your evidence to get enforcement or new conditions. All of this costs money with a lawyer. It very quickly gets insane.

Having said that here is some thoughts...use at your own peril!!!
- It sounds like you need to disconnect more. Stop the car rides to the bank. That's an easy fix...just say no, sorry hunny, that ship sailed and isn't coming back.
- Try to Stop sleeping on her couch. There seems to be a time difference when she works and you wake up your child. I suggest waking up your child when you arrive, moving to the car and going to your home immediately.
- Demand set times you care for your child. No more emergency calls because she got mandated. You need a set schedule so you can work and live. If she can't take care of her during her time that is her problem to solve. I would suggest you tell her that IF you are not working then you might be willing to take your child, however that is your decision, not hers.
- You might want to consider including a respected 'third party' to discuss these issues with your ex. Someone you both know and think is level headed. If you don't know someone that fits, reach out for some help from a local organization or even a mediator. Family counselling type.

Good Luck!

You 'were' in an abusive relationship. You 'are still' in an abusive relationship. Look inward young man.

You've already been given the correct advice (above) ... and have made an excuse to blow it off.

a reply to: noeltrotsky

Thank you I appreciate how smart and well written your response is. I agree, I want to avoid the court at ALL costs. I absolutely loathe the idea that this can even be a possibility. If we go to court it's ONLY for the purpose of her trying to hurt me. She's an extreme parent and since I don't act like her I'm automatically a bad parent, but I can deal with it mentally. The lack of sleep however clouds judgement sometimes -.- . The problem is her. Even if we had a level headed third party, I've already been painted as a terrible father, and I deserve any poor treatment. I agree that it's her problem. But telling her it's your problem would incite a riot lol. She says how happy she is that we can raise her equally, but by equally she means by telling me what to do and I obey every word. Thanks again.

originally posted by: InfinityandBeyond
...and keep my daughter from me as if she's teaching me a lesson.

By the way, ALWAYS keep a record when you are denied access to your daughter and the reason. That is a real No-No at court.

a reply to: Snarl

I'm blowing it off out of fear of losing my little girl. Though that does sound irrational, in an attempt to avoid the courts I lower my standards and admit defeat even when I've done nothing wrong. I blow it off, Snarl, because there isn't any winning with her. I've stood up for myself with no success either. Just her keeping my daughter from me as punishment is enough to drive me mad. I deal with my ex's inability to be a decent human being more so it seems to avoid her idiocy. My brain is so muddled with lack of sleep and confusion at her explosive irrationality that I consider if I'm really the one to blame (not so). A third party sounds great however. Avoiding the court and all of it's BS is ideal.

a reply to: noeltrotsky

All of our "adult" conversations, even during the relationship, were done via text messaging. Instead of writing it down, I conveniently have it on a cellular device. I was back stabbed by her family member I thought I could trust (I know her family better than her) to find out our discussion was relayed to her. So her female cousin who is staying with her the next few days is now watching her, and that means I get to go all week without seeing my daughter, as punishment. What I fear however is how my daughter will deal with me being "allowed" in her life then forced away for a week randomly. This was never about our child, it's about the ex's rage to get back at me for whatever reason.

It would help to know what state you are in, knowing the country would help as well.

P

originally posted by: InfinityandBeyond
a reply to: Snarl

Avoiding the court and all of it's BS is ideal.

Sorry. If you think you can avoid court ... and get out of the 'relationship' ... you are sadly mistaken. You are denying the reality of 'your' situation.

Don't despair. It sounds like time is on your side for the moment. This is an invaluable tool. Use it to your advantage.

You think you have a difficult and complicated case ... because this is your first experience with it. For your attorney, this is a daily thing. Go see one right away.

a reply to: Snarl

My apologies I live in upstate New York.

I agree. I denied that reality for years, bad habit is coming back to haunt me. I don't think the case is difficult, actually I see going to court as a huge waste of time and big waste of money that we could use to better our child's life. I researched a bit on mediators. We come to our own rules and terms, and the mediation can be upheld by law without the drawn out court process.

I just wish she could talk to me as an adult. There's so much rage and irrationality I have no idea where it came from. Honestly it's my first personal experience, but I dealt with it when my parents divorced. However, they never went to court, not even for child support. I didn't want to be around my father anyways, and he ended up moving across the country, so custody was never a concern.

a reply to: SaturnFX

This is not so the case anymore. I was with my ex bf when he went through a divorce,his lawyer told him that in Missouri at least,the judge tends to award the main brunt of the custody to which ever parent has the kids when the go before him. So the lawyer told him,if you get a chance you grab the kids and don't give them back to her. Then when your case comes up,the judge looks,sees you have them already and awards you primary custody,and that is just what happened too. At one point he almost lost because his ex was threatening him and told him she had to have the kids,and he almost gave in to her.But he kept them and got them for the most part. So it just kinda matters what the laws are in your area.A lawyer is a must.

a reply to: Dimithae

I see. I have no immediate family in the area, and keeping my daughter would mean she would have to have a baby sitter every day. I couldn't take her from her mother as I know she loves her if not a little more. In a perfect world I would like this resolved in the most civil manner. I'm going to run the mediator by my ex and see what happens. This is so much harder than it has to be and she feels as if it's justifiable...not to mention all the divorced older women she works with who hate men and automatically believe her stories of how terrible of a man I am, furthering her backwards belief...sigh

originally posted by: InfinityandBeyond
a reply to: Snarl

My apologies I live in upstate New York.

I agree. I denied that reality for years, bad habit is coming back to haunt me. I don't think the case is difficult, actually I see going to court as a huge waste of time and big waste of money that we could use to better our child's life. I researched a bit on mediators. We come to our own rules and terms, and the mediation can be upheld by law without the drawn out court process.

I just wish she could talk to me as an adult. There's so much rage and irrationality I have no idea where it came from. Honestly it's my first personal experience, but I dealt with it when my parents divorced. However, they never went to court, not even for child support. I didn't want to be around my father anyways, and he ended up moving across the country, so custody was never a concern.

I too live in upstate NY and honestly, I think you will be surprised at how many Family Court judges were fathers rights attorneys prior to getting elected to the bench. Not only do you have a better than average shot at maintaining custody but getting it on your terms I.E. no more sleeping on her couch, and picking up your daughter and bringing her to your home as well as a decent shot at getting your ex to pay child support to you if you have the child even a tiny bit over half of the time. I don't expect you to go out on a limb and say which county you live in but if you want to PM me, I'm friends with a few of the judges in counties I've lived in or my parents were friends with and/or went to school with as well as having cordial relationships at social functions with other whom I have appeared in front of for family court.

a reply to: InfinityandBeyond

Hey I feel for you. Been there done that.
My advice is to document everything. Keep a record of when you look after your kid, times and dates etc. Try as much as possible to stay out of the courts, the mother has a massive advantage just because she's the mum.
Work out what you want the situation to be and go from there. Write it down in a letter and give to the mum if she won't listen. Keep a copy.
All the best man I know it suxs but hopefully itwill work out.