My Family Feud -- Is there any hope?

a reply to: brandiwine14

Or even better,record them talking when they are attacking her. Then take her voice out of it and just play it for them to hear it. But do it at a later time when they aren't thinking about it. It may shock them to hear their voices and the nastiness coming out of them.

a reply to: Dimithae
a reply to: brandiwine14

Is it terrible of me to take a little pleasure and satisfaction in just the thought of seeing them meet their comeuppance? I try not to be so petty, but it's been so frustrating to deal with for so long!

I could also just print this thread out in its entirety and pass it around at the next family gathering if they start behaving badly again to let them read how others see their behavior. I really don't think they can be shamed within the family anymore.... they can rationalize and minimize their abuse so casually it's amazing to me. But if it's all in black-and-white, from strangers they cannot attack personally, again and again and again... they might have to look at themselves thru other eyes. Even more, it make might other family members reconsider their "Switzerland" position, and that they are just letting this hatefulness and hurtfulness thrive with their silence.

Matriarchal power struggles, yuk!

I say, find the wedge to drive D and J apart, See how confident they each are then in their merciless bullying of R!

originally posted by: teapot
Matriarchal power struggles, yuk!

I say, find the wedge to drive D and J apart, See how confident they each are then in their merciless bullying of R!

I do worry that this will happen one day without any prompting, and that when it does J will get the short end of the stick. With R out of the picture, D will have to find another target to flex those bully muscles. Maybe J "deserves" it, maybe not, but I still don't want to see that happen. Too many people have been hurt already.

originally posted by: Boadicea
a reply to: Dimithae
a reply to: brandiwine14

Is it terrible of me to take a little pleasure and satisfaction in just the thought of seeing them meet their comeuppance? I try not to be so petty, but it's been so frustrating to deal with for so long!

I could also just print this thread out in its entirety and pass it around at the next family gathering if they start behaving badly again to let them read how others see their behavior. I really don't think they can be shamed within the family anymore.... they can rationalize and minimize their abuse so casually it's amazing to me. But if it's all in black-and-white, from strangers they cannot attack personally, again and again and again... they might have to look at themselves thru other eyes. Even more, it make might other family members reconsider their "Switzerland" position, and that they are just letting this hatefulness and hurtfulness thrive with their silence.

You should seriously consider printing out this thread & mailing it to every single family member. Embarrass the hell out of everyone, whether they're the perpetrator or just plain complacent.

originally posted by: Eunuchorn

You should seriously consider printing out this thread & mailing it to every single family member. Embarrass the hell out of everyone, whether they're the perpetrator or just plain complacent.

I may just do that the next time this feud rears its ugly head. It probably won't win me any points. But I've tried very hard not to be an "instigator" and make things worse. I'd rather be part of the solution than the problem. But I do sometimes feel like others are thinking in a vacuum and just not realizing how much damage is being done, and getting worse. The family as a whole is only as strong as its parts, right?

a reply to: Boadicea

Sometimes a broken machine will still run. You need to demolish it & rebuild. Most people don't want to be an instigator; personally, I've never much cared to be like most people.

originally posted by: Eunuchorn
a reply to: Boadicea

Most people don't want to be an instigator; personally, I've never much cared to be like most people.

I've been called an instigator for as long as I can remember... usually by the people who are challenged by whatever I'm saying or doing. Funny how that works, eh? I don't mind being an instigator, as long as I'm fairly confident I'm doing it for the right reasons, and something good and practical can come of it.

There are definitely worse things one can be called...

a reply to: Boadicea

Other people's opinions are overrated

Do what's right, imo. Things are better said than unsaid. The world would probably be a better place if you turned your entire family against D.

What are they saying to R exactly?

a reply to: Boadicea

Hello...this is so sad for me..but i went through this with my family..i went to family things..and felt like i wasnt to be there..even when my parents where around then..so once my parents passed..i still went to family things..but then one year..i heard things i didnt like...plus no one there would even talk to me..i was like why do i even go to them for..so i stopped..i have now been with out my family for almost 15 years now..but i also never got told about family get to gethers it was only Christmas ones..nothing on family getting married,having a baby shower,graduations,not one thing..so i told my self i dont need that kind of family..they say they are always there for me when i need them but they never was...so she or he needs to just let it go..and mom and grandma needs to stay out of it..but making her go to things and making her be the joke of it all...no thanks...she needs to put her foot down and just say no i am not going...and just end it all with the family..i so feel how this person feels..

a reply to: ccbears

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, although it must have been difficult and painful to write. But I hope it was a little cathartic for you too. Every little bit helps. I know how painful it was for me to write the OP, to fully confront the ugliness within my own family, but it was also very cathartic.

I wish I could say things have gotten better, but they haven't -- as you probably already expected. Things are rather in a lull right now. Probably the best we can expect under the circumstances. Nothing can or will be better until everyone wants to do better. Another ATSer made an observation to me in another post this morning that I think fits quite well here too: It's the closed-minded that need to change... the open minded don't need to lower their standards (or something to that effect. I'm paraphrasing!).

In a very sad way, I feel a certain peace too now after pulling back a little from my extended family. As important as family is to me, I've had a very definite sense of relief and peace in NOT having to deal with inevitable pettiness and one-upmanship, etc., at family events. Like my daughter said after the last time, when I was attacked for standing up for my cousin, "Forget them. This is our family now." ("This" being our immediate family). I'm still in touch with many family members. I think we're all just trying to hold close and dear those family members that are a blessing in our lives, and to walk away from those who bring more grief than happiness. I hope and pray that you have some of those blessed family members to still hold dear

Thank you again. Your words gave me a little more strength and encouragement, and I'll be sure to pass the link on to my cousin.

originally posted by: Flowfessional
What are they saying to R exactly?

I'm sorry, Flow -- I just saw this right now.

And, my apologies again, I'm not sure just what you're responding to in terms of what's being said to R, but I'm going to assume you meant in terms of getting her to go to family events. It is mostly guilt trips about how important it is to her mom to have the whole family together, that mom's health isn't all it could be and she doesn't need the added stress, that mom won't be here too much longer. That kind of stuff. She's been told to just ignore her sisters, to turn the other cheek, to stop being so sensitive, that she's over-reacting. As far as I know, no one has accused her of any wrongdoing against anyone, she's just basically told to suck up whatever abuse is directed her way -- for the sake of the family.

a reply to: Boadicea
Sounds like a matriarchal pecking order contest. I suppose they just have to much time on there hands. Whoever is getting bullied on should stop coming to these family meetings, I mean from what you said there is no reason for her to be there at all. Also you can not change people, so there is no point in trying.

Everybody goes there own way and that is that, which it seems that they have done so already and only come together for the sport of it.