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My Family Feud -- Is there any hope?

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posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:38 PM
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originally posted by: Look2theSacredHeart
This sounds like emotional abuse, plain and simple. I will pray for R.


Yes, I agree it's emotional abuse. Especially, as her sisters, they know how to hurt her most. Thank you for your prayers -- one can never have too many!


The only thing I can think of is that she can reinforce her boundaries with the "broken record" technique. If you repeat the same thing, over and over, when people try to argue with you, it is like silver or garlic to vampires.


I really like that.... excellent tip. Thank you!




posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:41 PM
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originally posted by: ketsuko
Sounds like this is a family that needs to sort of reform around the two problem sisters.

Start having events without them. See who will come to those.


Yes, I'm thinking that's the answer. And that's something I can encourage and even offer to host more events myself. My house isn't as large, but I've got a huge backyard
I don't think they'd be quite as inclined to make trouble in someone else's home. But if they do, they can be shown the door, as others have suggested.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:44 PM
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originally posted by: Eunuchorn
Humans make me sick. Our species is disgusting, despicable, & pathetic..


I can't bring myself to star your comment... but I can't disagree either! Why must people show us just how ugly they can be? I don't want to know!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 04:11 PM
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originally posted by: Eunuchorn
Humans make me sick. Our species is disgusting, despicable, & pathetic. I hope our world ends soon.

ps. Stop voting.


Actually I have to agree with you, we were not meant to be like this and I feel very sure of this. The corruption and basing our lives around things, looks and money is a large part of the problem. The other large part is we don't know one another accept one another nor understand one another, everything is always misconstrued or twisted by hateful Family gossips.

Family should have love for one another, we should be able to be there for each other throughout our lives and share in each others births, deaths, home fixes and everyday life, but we can't! I come from a big Family in which only a couple are talking to each other for years at a time. I am much healthier and happier after I finally cut myself out of it completely but this is not the way it should be!

Instead of wishing for our end I wish and pray for our complete change!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 04:24 PM
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May I ask why you're so invested?

My mother has 5 sisters, and things like this happen constantly. At the worst of it, none of sisters talked to each other except for the oldest, and the youngest. What really made everything worse was if anyone in the very large family took a side or brought up a feud, it made all of the sisters feel validated, regardless of the ridiculousness of the issue.

I.e. Eldest sister adds middle sisters ex husband to Facebook ten years after the divorce. Middle sister and her husband had an amicable divorce, and we're married for 2 decades, so he had ties to the large family. Because middle sister was having a bad day, after noticing the activity, she called eldest sister to enquire why. As sisters do, they bickered about the importance. After the fight, eldest sister called a sister, some cousins, etc. to validate that she was right, and middle sister did the same. Now 10 people have manufactured a false kind of righteousness about a situation that matters in no way what so ever.

Fighting like this ONLY stopped after all family members agreed to stop placating the sisters in any way during infighting, barring a murder charge, etc. The sisters have since settled into less opinionated relationships with each other because they have no one to validate their idiocy. Some of them have grown closer, and some only see each other at holidays and funerals, if that.

This is just the natural way of things. By responding in any way, and continuing to yearn for acceptance, R is just feeding the fire of D and J's childlike ridicule. By continuing the conversation with her, you yourself are dragging out the feud. No one will ever like everyone in their family, because families are made up of individuals with differing perspectives, etc. and that's just fine.

R should spend time cultivating relationships with friends and family that in no way revolve around the drama between she and her sisters.

Don't complain; don't explain.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 04:27 PM
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originally posted by: Char-Lee

originally posted by: Eunuchorn
Humans make me sick. Our species is disgusting, despicable, & pathetic. I hope our world ends soon.

ps. Stop voting.


...we were not meant to be like this and I feel very sure of this ... everything is always misconstrued or twisted by hateful Family gossips ... Family should have love for one another, we should be able to be there for each other throughout our lives and share in each others births, deaths, home fixes and everyday life, but we can't! ... Instead of wishing for our end I wish and pray for our complete change!


Thank you! That was beautifully said and I agree and so wish it were so. I try to be good to everyone -- friend, family or stranger -- and I've learned that you've just gotta take the good with the bad, no matter who it is. I've had strangers do kindnesses for me that brought tears to my eyes and warmed me to my soul... and I've had a family member betray me in the worst way. Go figure.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 05:01 PM
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originally posted by: Atsbhct
May I ask why you're so invested?


Sure. It's family... and we're all dragged into it in one way or another whether we like it or not. But mostly because I can empathize -- my oldest sister is much older than me, and she's never quite approved of me; and because I've always been close to her and one other cousin that was killed in a tragic accident a few years ago, we were all penpals in our schoolgirl days, and it's brought home to me how important it is to appreciate and support those we love while we can because we can lose them in a flash. And maybe because I hate bullying in general and I tend to stick up for the underdog and it's just the right thing to do.


My mother has 5 sisters, and things like this happen constantly. At the worst of it, none of sisters talked to each other except for the oldest, and the youngest. What really made everything worse was if anyone in the very large family took a side or brought up a feud... This is just the natural way of things.


I actually get all that too. It's ugly all the way around. There are no good options for anyone (unless D and J start behaving better). I think everyone realizes this. But we all genuinely want to see R at family events too. It's actually kind of surreal at family events because no one even wants to mention R's name. I just don't think it's fair or right to ask R to suck up whatever abuse is thrown her way just to make everyone else happy. I can make my own time with her. So can everyone else.


By responding in any way, and continuing to yearn for acceptance, R is just feeding the fire of D and J's childlike ridicule.


R is done with it. She's not responding, she's not reacting, she's not yearning for anything -- except to have her decision respected. The funny thing is, R was never the one talking "about" her sisters or trying to get anyone to take sides -- they are. I don't even know all the dirt, or what started it. Most of what I know is what the whole family knows anyway because of how things played out in front of us. R has tried talking "to" her sisters, but for the most part, they refuse to. Just like D refused to respond directly to R's email, but ran to her daughter and used it to have her dis-invited from the wedding.


By continuing the conversation with her, you yourself are dragging out the feud.


I've wondered about my contribution to the problem, believe me. And maybe I'm missing the forest for the trees, but I don't think I have the power to drag out the feud. It is what it is. The real question is if anyone -- including me -- has it within their power to fix it. I don't think so. So is it wrong for me to think R is right to just walk away?


No one will ever like everyone in their family, because families are made up of individuals with differing perspectives, etc. and that's just fine.

R should spend time cultivating relationships with friends and family that in no way revolve around the drama between she and her sisters.


Agree 100%. I actually don't disagree with anything you said either... thanks for sharing your insight.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 06:34 PM
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I agree with Ket, all family events at other family member homes. No exceptions. If they want to know why tell them no drama allowed is the new rule. All family is welcome, no ifs, ands or buts. Main rule, no drama. First diva to raise her head is ushered to the door and this should repeat over and over 'til they learn family get togethers are not the place for their childish behavior, oh, and cut them off from the martinis and vodka.

STM
edit on 1-3-2015 by seentoomuch because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 06:51 PM
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originally posted by: seentoomuch
I agree with Kek, all family events at other family member homes. No exceptions.


Yes, that's looking like our best option. At least as often as possible... for example, there's no way D would have let anyone else host her daughter's wedding!


First diva to raise her head...[/quote]

I love that! So perfect!


...oh, and cut them off from the martinis and vodka.

STM


In their case, the wine.... but please don't make me cut out my tequila!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 07:00 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

Personally, I would not go to the wedding if R wasn't comfortable with going. I would have absolutely no problem with letting the mother know why I didn't want to go and btw that includes the gift registry. I would choke on the wedding cake thinking that R wasn't there or was being made fun of. Therefore, why be there? Let it be known beforehand. Consequences.

STM

edit on 1-3-2015 by seentoomuch because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 07:44 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea




D will! When I've had events at my house, she's offered to host the event, and when I say no, she finds a reason not to come. I can only think of two events she's attended at my home.


Then throw the event anyway,and if one or both of the sisters don't come,guess what? You have peace in the house,no loss there. After being left out of enough family parties,the sisters will start to feel the loss. I'm a pretty crappy person when someone comes after me, I will go out of my way to make people like that miserable. I would throw EVERY party at my place and those that don't want to come? Oh well, less stress. But if they DO show up.......they better be ready to behave or I would toss them out so fast it would make their head spin.




That's exactly what it is. But I don't even think they see how cruel it is. It's mind boggling to me.



Oh make no mistake,people that act like that do indeed know they are being cruel.Its just that for them,its their form of entertainment,since they aren't on the receiving end of it,they don't care. Futhermore it will take an epiphany to get them to truly change,they have been this way a long time now,and it was all fun and games for years so long as the 'victim' took it. Now that the 'victim' doesn't want to play it has become an issue.(as well it should)

My family is gone now,there is only us siblings. Out of 4 of us,one younger sister will have nothing to do with us,no matter how we have tried to draw her in to a relationship with us. We finally just gave up and said forget it. You can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Us 3 have a good relationship and talk all the time. We frequently talk about the past and how confused we still are about all the things that went on in our lives,you just can't help it at times. I know that my mother had me when I was 17 tell my grandmother to piss off when she was trying to tell us that us kids needed to kiss her and the rest of the families butts so we would get the insurance money. LOL Her jaw dropped when I told her my answer. My mom didn't have the guts to do it,so she had me do it instead, hows that for cowardice? I said a few more things that let the family know WHERE THEY STOOD WITH US. Something my mother could never bring herself to do. I didn't give a rats ass where we stood with them. I have never been one to worry about what others thought of me,even my own family.

So yeah we all get along and enjoy each others company now days.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 09:38 PM
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originally posted by: seentoomuch
a reply to: Boadicea

Personally, I would not go to the wedding if R wasn't comfortable with going. I would have absolutely no problem with letting the mother know why I didn't want to go and btw that includes the gift registry. I would choke on the wedding cake thinking that R wasn't there or was being made fun of. Therefore, why be there? Let it be known beforehand. Consequences.

STM


Thank you... That's pretty much how I've been feeling, and wondering if I'm out of line for feeling this way. Fortunately, no one made fun of her (that I know of) at the wedding, but if anyone asked about her, they were told she decided not to come at the last minute, and otherwise not spoken of. And it seemed to me that some people were trying too hard to have a good time, if you know what I mean. But it was the huge elephant in the room. Ironic isn't it? By trying to cut her out completely, she was everywhere but nowhere at the same time.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 09:50 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

Just people knowing that it wasn't a true family situation should tell you what to do, as you know. Please push for family gatherings in different homes, take the two sisters out of the picture imho.

STM


edit on 1-3-2015 by seentoomuch because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 09:50 PM
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originally posted by: Dimithae
a reply to: Boadicea




D will! When I've had events at my house, she's offered to host the event, and when I say no, she finds a reason not to come. I can only think of two events she's attended at my home.


Then throw the event anyway,and if one or both of the sisters don't come,guess what? You have peace in the house,no loss there.


I'll actually be happy to do so. I used to love having big family parties, but I've been so overwhelmed with other things the last few years, it hasn't happened for a loooooooong time... well, except Sunday dinners with my kids. But it's time to change the dynamics in the family and create some positive "new normals." With my kids on their own, I actually have a couple extra rooms for guests too!


After being left out of enough family parties,the sisters will start to feel the loss.


We'll see. Sometimes I think their egos just won't let them admit even to themselves that they are the problem and they are the ones behaving badly.


My family is gone now,there is only us siblings. Out of 4 of us,one younger sister will have nothing to do with us,no matter how we have tried to draw her in to a relationship with us.... So yeah we all get along and enjoy each others company now days.


Good for you. I think sometimes that's the best we can do. Just enjoy and appreciate the best of them, and walk away from the rest of them. So make the most of it!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 09:56 PM
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originally posted by: seentoomuch
a reply to: Boadicea

Just people knowing that it wasn't a true family situation should tell you what to do, as you know.


I thought the same thing! It's pretty silly to pretend to celebrate family when an important part of that family isn't welcome.


Please push for family gatherings in different homes, take the two sisters out of the pictures imho.

STM


Thank you, yes, that's my plan of action. I will think on it and pray on it and do what I can to change the current dynamics. I'm not going to push the ugly side so much, but just start volunteering to host events, and gently suggest some of my cousins do the same. Others may be happy to volunteer also, just knowing the situation. We'll see what happens.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 09:58 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

Amen



STM



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 10:05 PM
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Thank you very much to everyone for the insight and great suggestions. I've hated watching this play out, seeing so many people hurt, or at least disappointed, and feeling like there's nothing I could do. I think your strength of conviction might be the most reassuring -- and reaffirming! And to know mine isn't the only family that isn't picture perfect. No matter how much you want it, sometimes you just have to accept what you have instead, and make the best of that.

I was hoping R would weigh in herself. I emailed the link and sent her a text, but I haven't heard back.

Maybe I should have warned her it was a conspiracy website??? I hope it didn't scare her off!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 10:32 PM
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Record the Antics of D and J.

If you have yet to be ostracized by them then go in with a pen recorder or something similar and from the beginning to the end get them recorded being their nastiest. Then play it for all to see. Do not act different, do not tell even those you believe are on your side of your plans, just do it.


These people are disgusting, it sounds as if they have no humanity and towards a sister no less. They need to be shown for the despicable little ******s they are.

The only hope you have in all of this is that they will actually see themselves through the eyes of others and hopefully gain a bit of empathy for other people. Sometimes it takes seeing things through the eyes of someone else to change our stubborn ways.
edit on 1-3-2015 by brandiwine14 because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 10:45 PM
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originally posted by: brandiwine14
Record the Antics of D and J.


Name em and shame em... yup! I like how you think -- in theory. But in practice, they don't seem to have any shame even when confronted. And the really sad thing is that much of this has played out in front of the extended family, so everyone knows already, but everyone wants to play "Switzerland," (I call it playing possum). It doesn't help that the grandmothers are elderly, and cry and feel sorry for themselves whenever push comes to shove, and one reason everyone just pretends there's no problem... and no R. It's totally surreal to me. Just total denial.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 11:14 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

No. I don't think there is...not without changes in attitudes and acceptance. You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make 'em drink.

We can choose our friends...but we can't choose our families....just try and be yourself...for yourself....



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