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My Family Feud -- Is there any hope?

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posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:01 PM
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I'm actually embarrassed to admit this is my family, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So here goes:

We have a family feud ripping our (extended) family apart, and I offered to post it on “my forum” for unbiased opinions/advice. It started with three sisters, two of which (I’ll call them “D” and “J”) ganged up on the third (and I’ll call her “R”). It is now at the point that “R” refuses to attend any family gatherings if “D” and “J” are attending, because they will make it miserable for her, and don’t care who gets hurt in the process… and since most family gatherings are held at the home of “D” because she has the biggest home, that means pretty much all family gatherings.

Let me give you just one example of how they make it miserable for her (which I consider borderline sociopathic): At one family gathering for the funeral of a family member who committed suicide (due to unbearable phantom pains from an amputated leg), “J” and others decided it would be a good idea to make a bet to see who could get “R” upset first. Yes, you read that right. They wanted to upset her – at a FUNERAL! The saddest part is that “R” took the suicide hard -- but was still the only family member to stand up at the funeral and give a eulogy. Some knew what was going on, though they neither participated nor stopped it nor let “R” know why she was being picked on all day. Most of us (including “R”) did not find out what was going on until much later. (I’m ashamed to say that even I didn’t realize just how cruel they could be.) “R” never got upset, much less acted in kind. In fact, she just assumed everyone was as devastated as she was, and tried to be even more warm and loving than usual. When she did find out what was going on, it was quite the kick in the gut for her.

Anyway… a very few family members have taken sides in this feud, but most refuse to get involved -- and I understand why, because if anyone dares stand up for “R” (like me), then they are bullied/attacked as well, which makes the grandmas cry and get upset, and no good comes of it anyway. So most of the family stays out of it… until another family event is planned, and then everyone thinks it’s okay to plead/cajole/guilt or otherwise emotionally manipulate “R” to attend. Unfortunately, no one feels compelled to plead/cajole/guilt or otherwise emotionally manipulate “D” and “J” to stop their bullying. Maybe it wouldn't help, but the end result is the same: the impasse remains.

Actually, it’s gone beyond even that now. The last family event was the wedding of “D’s” daughter/”R’s” niece. “R” declined to go for months, because she didn’t want any trouble at the wedding, but was finally guilted into it by her mother. As “R” told me, she didn’t want to go because she didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but it seemed that if she didn’t go, then some would definitely be hurt, defeating her whole purpose for not going, so she agreed to go. But she still didn’t trust her sisters and sent an email to her sisters asking for a truce, promising to be on her best behavior and asking them to do the same; Instead of just putting on her big girl panties and responding directly to her sister, “D” immediately showed it to her daughter, and this email was somehow construed as “R” intending to cause trouble at the wedding and she was dis-invited two days before the wedding, along with her immediate family. Consequently, “R” says she no longer has a family, only a bloodline, because they cut her out, and is done with the whole mess. With another family event coming up tho, she is once again being pressured to just suck it up “for mom" and "the sake of the family.” This is torture for “R”, who has always bent over backwards to put her family first, and she’s pretty devastated that they’ve turned their back on her. I don’t blame her. (I think she should trust her gut and be true to herself. I’m obviously not much help, eh?)

In the interest of full disclosure, I obviously side with “R”, but there’s no love lost between me and “D” and “J” anyway, especially since I dared to vote for Gary Johnson (instead of Romney) in the last election, which to them is simply unforgiveable. There’s also several underlying issues, such as the fact that most of that branch of the family works for “D” (including “J”, but not “R”), which of course makes it very difficult for them to cross “D” even if they wanted to. I’m trying to keep this short and sweet and just give the most important details. Feel free to ask questions if you need clarification though.

So what say you ATS? Is there anything practical or productive that can be done here? Should “R” just suck it up? Or is it just broken beyond all repair? (At least for now).

ETA: I just sent a link to my cousin, encouraging her to sign up and respond since she can speak for herself better than I... but I'd like to know what others think too, since I do have something of an attitude about this and maybe I can do better.... and I have no doubt I'll hear it if so!
edit on 1-3-2015 by Boadicea because: (no reason given)




posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:16 PM
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Families! Luckily for me my family works well together, and always has done.

Personally, I would tell D and J to behave, prior to withdrawing contact with them.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:24 PM
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It seems to me that D is the most successful sister. She owns a company that employs a few relatives, she has the biggest house and seems to be the instigator of trouble with the tacit help of J.
I think this leads to D feeling she is better than the other sisters, maybe J is only going along with the tormenting to please D, could it be that R is not impressed with Gs perceived standing and G being the "one" must at all costs humiliate her because she doesn't show the right amount of grovelling for her success.
You or anyone else cannot change Gs make up, only she can do it. But if she wont the only thing you can do is grip the nettle and publicly(at the next family gathering) put her in her place.
If this breaks the family apart so be it, but make sure the rest of the family knows who's fault it is. Then get on with your lives and if there is to be a reconciliation let THEM come to YOU to apologise.
If this was a friend doing this to you, you would have no hesitation of not being friends with them no more. So what's different about family?
As the saying goes "with family like that who needs enemies".



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:25 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

1.The 'mom' should shut up.Unless she plans on taking the other 2 girls to task for being hateful,she needs to just shut up and stay out of it.She is only making it worse. I am willing to bet that the roots of all this go back to her anyway.
2.R needs to stand up for herself and say 'screw the family'. They don't seem to care about keeping family members close and loving,so she shouldn't either. She needs to change the way she deals with them,which in turn will cause them to deal with her differently.
3.I don't care what the size of the house is,family events should be rotated between homes. If they don't like it,they can stay home. Once at another person's house,it should be made clear to the sisters that ANY disruption or fights started by them,will be the cause of them being asked to LEAVE NOW. Take your purse and GO. No explanation,no excuses accepted. They WILL be on their best behavior in those other homes,OR ELSE.
4.If they continue to cause trouble,then R should get up and explain in front of the whole family what is going on and why she will no longer be attending family events. Sometimes it is just better to go on with your life and cut those that hurt you out of it. If this becomes the case,R needs to find friends that she can spend holidays and such with and not even talk to the family. If anything gets said during this families parties,it should be brought up to them that the sisters insisted on it being like this through their cruelty.

It sounds something like what my family was like when we were kids,we told our mom to just ignore them(since they were her family)and just go on and do her own thing.But she had this hang up of crawling back to them,always thinking that THIS time it would be different. It ruined our childhoods and left us bewildered by the adults actions.It was always this stupid game playing that went so far as to ruin my relationship with my own siblings. We didn't patch things up until we were in our 40s. When both my parents were finally dead,of all the things we could have said,we said "thank god that is all over now". Quite a thing to say yes? But it was that bad.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:25 PM
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a reply to: paraphi


Yes, they do need to behave, and I told them as much... but it did not go well... and I was told to stop being an "instigator." Fortunately, that's just one branch of my family! I've also seen others rally when needed and it warmed my heart. What can you do except appreciate the best and leave the rest?

I really don't know...



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:28 PM
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This sounds like emotional abuse, plain and simple. I will pray for R. The only thing I can think of is that she can reinforce her boundaries with the "broken record" technique. If you repeat the same thing, over and over, when people try to argue with you, it is like silver or garlic to vampires.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:37 PM
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originally posted by: crayzeed
It seems to me that D is the most successful sister. She owns a company that employs a few relatives, she has the biggest house and seems to be the instigator of trouble with the tacit help of J.
I think this leads to D feeling she is better than the other sisters, maybe J is only going along with the tormenting to please D


Yes, D is a very successful businesswoman and I think there's much truth there... and, in my opinion, it's compounded by D being a narcissist. J... again, in my opinion... knows which side her bread is buttered on, and is a coward. But I think the real sticking point is that R has been happily married for 30 something years, and was a very happy full-time mom... D is divorced and J was never married, so both have made successful careers for themselves, and both are very vocal about their contempt for men and marriage.


You or anyone else cannot change Gs make up, only she can do it.


That's exactly how I feel. She's a grown woman. No one can make her be nice.


As the saying goes "with family like that who needs enemies".


Yup. Exactly.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Much appreciated.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:42 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea




At one family gathering for the funeral of a family member who committed suicide (due to unbearable phantom pains from an amputated leg), “J” and others decided it would be a good idea to make a bet to see who could get “R” upset first.


If this is truly what happened it tells one all you need to know about these persons. Honestly sometimes people are simply not good for you. There comes a time when as much as it hurts you need to cut some strings.

Is there a way that gatherings where R can feel welcome can be separate from the “D” and “J” ones.
Maybe Mothers and Grandmothers should realize the cruelty of the acts of “D” and “J” and step up to the plate and tell them it has to stop. They may feel impotent in the situation due to the money and job factor which is really sad if so.

There is only one possible way to "fix" things if no power base exists in the Mothers and grandmothers and that would be group counseling, but I would bet “D” and “J” would have none of it. Thus we are back to my first conclusion, sometimes letting go is the best and healthiest way as much as it hurts.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:42 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

R needs to tell D and J to kiss her A and then stop going around them.
Cut those kind of people out of your life and you'll realize how much better life is without them. Sometimes you just have to sever the cord.

I have friends who have become my family. They treat me way better than some of my own blood does. Sometimes you have to find or make your own family and leave the riff raff behind.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:48 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

Anyway she has you!*
You stood up for her that makes you a true friend...rare now days!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 02:54 PM
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a reply to: Look2theSacredHeart

I agree with dimithae.....have occasions at the other houses, who cares if the abusive sister has the biggest house, what good is the biggest house if the 2 sisters are verbally abusing the other one and ruining the family get togethers...

so do you remember what started this whole thing back when in the first place???

the mom should shut up and butt out.....the sister who is getting the abuse... she keeps going back...this scenario keeping getting repeated and she hopes for a different outcome, but it will not happen.

does she have medical insurance can she talk to a therapist, or call a hotline or something???



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:00 PM
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originally posted by: Dimithae
a reply to: Boadicea

1.The 'mom' should shut up.Unless she plans on taking the other 2 girls to task for being hateful,she needs to just shut up and stay out of it.She is only making it worse. I am willing to bet that the roots of all this go back to her anyway.


Yes, the mother has definitely played her part and this is nothing new. But in fairness, I don't think she knows how to handle this, or just how far it would go. Even as kids, my aunt let them bully R without consequences; when the issue is pushed, she just cries and says "I just wish everyone would get along." R cannot win, and I think that's why R has just said enough is enough.


3.I don't care what the size of the house is,family events should be rotated between homes.


Yes, I agree. But some people are easily impressed... D lives at the country club right on the golf course... dodging golf balls isn't my idea of fun, but I guess some people like that!


If they don't like it,they can stay home.


D will! When I've had events at my house, she's offered to host the event, and when I say no, she finds a reason not to come. I can only think of two events she's attended at my home.


Sometimes it is just better to go on with your life and cut those that hurt you out of it. If this becomes the case,R needs to find friends that she can spend holidays and such with and not even talk to the family.


That's about where it's at. Lucky for her, R's family lives in another state with her husband's family, and they are very close, and just sharing holidays with their kids is enough. And I know her brothers' families will sometimes share holidays.


...cruelty...


That's exactly what it is. But I don't even think they see how cruel it is. It's mind boggling to me.


It sounds something like what my family was like when we were kids... When both my parents were finally dead,of all the things we could have said,we said "thank god that is all over now".... Quite a thing to say yes? But it was that bad.


I'm sorry you had to go through that... but at the same time, I understand too well... and it's slightly reassuring to know that we're not the only ones. It makes you appreciate the rest of the family that much more, eh?

Thanks for sharing. And good luck with yours!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:15 PM
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Sounds like this is a family that needs to sort of reform around the two problem sisters.

Start having events without them. See who will come to those.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:16 PM
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a reply to: Boadicea

Cut the cord. You can't pick your family, but you can choose not to associate with them. It is what it is.

I dealt with all kinds of nonsense family feuds growing up. When I got old enough I just stopped engaging in it.

If she chooses to continue associating with them then she is allowing the behavior to continue. There is obviously no reconciliation possible.
edit on 1-3-2015 by Ksihkehe because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:17 PM
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originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: Boadicea




At one family gathering for the funeral of a family member who committed suicide (due to unbearable phantom pains from an amputated leg), “J” and others decided it would be a good idea to make a bet to see who could get “R” upset first.


If this is truly what happened it tells one all you need to know about these persons.


Thank you! I'm not in that "loop," so I only know the vaguest of details and what I saw played out, but yes, it did happen. I seriously couldn't believe they would do this, and I truly believe it's sociopathic. But it was played off as just a joke... so "forget her if she can't take a joke." That's crazy. If everyone can't laugh, it's not funny, it's just mean.


Is there a way that gatherings where R can feel welcome can be separate from the “D” and “J” ones.


I don't know... but it's something to think about -- thank you!


Maybe Mothers and Grandmothers should realize the cruelty of the acts of “D” and “J” and step up to the plate and tell them it has to stop. They may feel impotent in the situation due to the money and job factor which is really sad if so.


I think finances are definitely a factor. D bought Gramma's house and car and otherwise helps her out. J not only works for D, but has a company car and company paid insurance. I believe D is involved in J's house somehow too -- either co-signed, or perhaps lent her the money -- I'm not sure. But both are quite dependent on D's good will. And it is very sad. But it just further illustrates that R is just the odd-man out... or odd-woman out!


...group counseling, but I would bet “D” and “J” would have none of it.


You called it! R did attend counseling, I'm not sure for how long, and the counselor did suggest family counseling, but the sisters said no. They said it would be too hard on the mom, who has been having heart troubles.


Thus we are back to my first conclusion, sometimes letting go is the best and healthiest way as much as it hurts.


Exactly. No one deserves this and no one has to just accept it, even from family.

Thanks for your insight. It's much appreciated.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:23 PM
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originally posted by: TheLieWeLive
a reply to: Boadicea

I have friends who have become my family. They treat me way better than some of my own blood does. Sometimes you have to find or make your own family and leave the riff raff behind.


Yes! Thank you! I've always told my kids that family is what and who we make of it. I told R to appreciate who and what she does have to be thankful for, and never look back. She doesn't have to wish them ill; but she doesn't have to accept any abuse either. Family is what we make of it.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:25 PM
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originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: Boadicea

Anyway she has you!*
You stood up for her that makes you a true friend...rare now days!


Thank you... unfortunately not everyone saw it that way. But we're known by our enemies as much as by our friends, right? So I'll wear it as a badge of honor. And R knows she's always welcome at our home!



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:29 PM
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originally posted by: research100
a reply to: Look2theSacredHeart


...so do you remember what started this whole thing back when in the first place???


No, I don't. But it's a good question. It's always been this way to one extent or another, but it just kinda ramped up to extremes the last few years.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:30 PM
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Humans make me sick. Our species is disgusting, despicable, & pathetic. I hope our world ends soon.

ps. Stop voting.



posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 03:33 PM
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originally posted by: Ksihkehe
a reply to: Boadicea

If she chooses to continue associating with them then she is allowing the behavior to continue. There is obviously no reconciliation possible.


That's pretty much what R has said... if they wanted it to be different, it would be. And I agree 100%. We're not talking about children here. Everyone has made their own choices.



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