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Jokes & One-Liners

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posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 11:38 AM
You shouldn't hold grudges. My uncle did, and I always hated him for it.

My boss and I are the only ones who have keys to the office. When I arrived this morning, the door was unlocked and there was a strange guy in the office.
I asked "Who are you and how did you get in here."
He replied "I'm a locksmith. I'm a locksmith."

I hate negative numbers! I'll stop at nothing to avoid using them.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I asked the Lion what he was doing in my wardrobe. He said "It's Narnia Business!"

I wondered why the ball seemed to be getting bigger, then it hit me.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. What's weird is that eight of them were from my girlfriend.

I had my picture taken with REM. That’s me in the corner.

posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 11:53 AM
Bet you are a hoot on the cocktail circuit

posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 12:02 PM
the very first joke in the series.
Beyond stupid but i laugh every time!

edit on 1/3/2015 by IShotMyLastMuse because: no need to give a reason, but i am making spaghetti bolognese for dinner, i figure you guys want to keep up with my eating habits

posted on Mar, 1 2015 @ 12:17 PM
a reply to: IShotMyLastMuse

Now that was worth and Oscar

posted on Mar, 2 2015 @ 03:00 PM
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice Ass!

posted on Mar, 19 2015 @ 09:52 AM
a dog walks into a pub and asks the bartender for a double whisky.
the barman says to the dog ' wow - you should go work in the circus '
the dog replies ' why, do they need a plumber? '

i'm unlikely to be here all week.

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