I have been toying with a concept lately.
I have always felt that ceasing to exist sounds just fine with me. I feel no discomfort at the idea at all, in fact there have been times I felt I
would prefer that to dealing with the meaningless pains and struggles of existing.
My husband and I feel very differently on this issue, and every once in a while, discuss it. Death is scary to him. The idea of the world continuing
to turn without him being part of it freaks him out. So he soothes this fear in trying to produce or create things that shall carry on after his
physical death- a way of achieving immortality. Not quite satisfying, but the closest he can get to not ceasing to exist entirely.
Despite my emotional embrace of mortality, there seems to be another part of me, which is somewhat less conscious, that doesn't fear mortality, but
knows it is false. No matter how much I like (no, sometimes LOVE) the idea of death... of just one day the curtain goes down and all is black, and
there is no me to feel anything at all, and the world goes on it's merry way as if I never existed,
This other part is like, in the background, shaking it's head with a chuckle, saying "nope, sorry, that's not the end of it. Life is eternal, and
change continues and death is simply change, process, transformation, you'll be continuing after that.."
I mean, I can't totally get that part to disappear! It sometimes seems foreign to me, it sometimes seems like what people call "the real self", or
(and sometimes I just shrug and assume I am a closet schizophrenic)
But these two parts somehow achieve co-existing, co-creating, cooperating.... I guess as my husband and I do, despite our huge differences.
Sometimes I let that less conscious part babble on about metaphysical stuff, like a fountain or a geyser,
while the other part seems to sit back and listen wide eyed and going wow, that's pretty!
-until it get's back up and says, yeah, whatever, perhaps, I don't know, but this world is not that, and there is important things to do and deal
with that are definitely real, so I'm going to forget about this story-stuff you just went on about, and be active now.
And the souls part sighs, and says, yeah, okay. You're right, let's go take care of that. Glad you are here, because you are so much better at this
density crap than I am.
And they hug. Or something.
So... my idea that is playing in my head is- what if we simply have a double nature, made up of two parts, both spiritual and physical.
One that will absolutely end the game at a certain point consciously- but that doesn't bother her, because she is matter... and matter goes on.
Things continue to exist, people, life forms, continue to exist, even if the individual is gone. That part will just return to the big soup of
creation. She's okay with that. She's the world.
Then there is another part, that is and individual spark of consciousness, having an experience, perhaps among many, that doesn't have even have a
choice in the matter of continuing or not- it cannot cease to exist, even if it wanted to. It can only change, and change again. It can sit backstage
for a while if it wants, and observe, or whisper out lines forgotten, but when the curtain goes down, it will return to it's real life, and perhaps
I don't know if this truth. I wonder sometimes, if it could be- why does my husband fear that curtain going down? Maybe just because he is really
loving this play, and very committed to it's production right now. He's entered very deeply into character. That's admirable and good and makes me
smile. Both parts smile at that.