"Friends"

I don't have many "friends"; partially due to the fact that I am a stay at home mother, and partially due to being an introvert. I recognize the benefits of social interaction and do enjoy it. My problem is when I extend the hand of friendship and the other party takes me along for a ride to inflate their sense of "me". When all he/she wants to do is talk about him/herself.... When I ask thoughtful questions about how he/she is doing but never a serious inquiry into what I have been up to.

I dont like people like this. I want to be valued and cared about in my friendships, not just a prop to set a mirror against so someone can talk about him/herself all the time.

I am a caring person and love to listen and try to help others, but if you show no interest in the things I have to say and just circle everything back to you and so on.... Well, I think I'm ready to drop these "friends ".

I guess it in part depends how much of an introvert you really are though, people tend to pick up on that stuff, right?
what i mean is, i have a few friends that actually are better off not talking about themselves, i'm not much of an introvert so i really don't get it, but in time it has been made clear these people don't require me to ask how they are going or what their opinion is, they are just kinda glad of being...there, they just never seem to have a strong opinion or anything like that, i don't get it, but hey, whatever works i guess.
Are you sure you are not sending out a similar vibe, even just accidentally?

a reply to: chelsdh

Yep, time to drop those 'friends'. It will be like a breath of fresh air for you. Find a friend who can actually be a friend. You won't regret it for a minute.

a reply to: chelsdh

That longing to meet and discuss with adults as a much needed break from baby, child and pet conversations was almost overwhelming for me at times. So it's frustrating when the people we meet do not pass our compatibility test. However when one is panning for gold, we have to sift through a whole lot of silt.

There is an upside to all of this though. We get to choose our friends. May the ones you end up finding remain in your lifelong list of preferred people. In the meantime, I would encourage you to touch base again with old friends.

Everyone needs to be appreciated and acknowledged. Introvert or not.

a reply to: IShotMyLastMuse
I'm fairly sure that I m not sending out those vibes. With people who are not self focused I have a great time, our conversations work like they are supposed to, both sides participate equally. I'm more talking about so called "friends" that turn anything you say into somethin about them, or don't even acknowledge it, because it isn't applicable to them.

I've worked with the public and do great with people. I'm an introvert in regards to I would rather be home in comfy clothes, reading or whatnot than out at a gathering with lots of people.

I also feel my introverted nature stems from my empathetic nature to feel so much on behalf of others... Which isn't fun when someone wants to suck that by making everything about them, and seemingly not care about me.

I have no friends. Zero. I guess my standards are too high. My description of "friend" is someone who is there for you No. Matter. What. Someone you can trust with your darkest secret and not worry about them gossiping to Anyone about it. My sister and I have a saying we adopted from an old song : Lawyers, Guns or Money, whatever it takes. Meaning, we defend each other to the death, hang the cost. I have neighbors, aquaitances, folks I talk to and like.
No friends.

a reply to: aboutface
Gold indeed! I have a handful of friends that I have known for years... Like going on 20. We don't talk often, but when we do, it's like no time has passed and we are the same goofy kids we were wy back then! I love that. I guess not all relationships turn into that, but I'm ready to sift out these "me" vampires.

Like you said, conversations with kids and animals wear thin. I actually enjoyed when I returned to college because I was around adults! It was something to look forward to in the midst of a bunch of bs class work.

One reason I chose to have two close friends and not a bunch is that some can drain the life out of you. It's always about them and when you have a problem, they are too busy, no matter how many times you'd go out of your way for them. One had to be with me all the time. I had a full time job and she didn't work, so the minute I came home she would start hounding me to go here and there and do this and that when all I wanted to do was to rest. I needed some alone time and this chick just didn't get it. She'd think I was mad at her if I didn't see her constantly. I felt like I couldn't breath. Thank God we moved. And another one was all about herself, would call and want to be on the phone for hours, wanted me to find transportation to see her for one self imposed crisis after another. It drove me insane. I was there for her constantly but if I needed someone, she didn't have time. Screw that!

I have two best friends who are amazing and our friendship is give and take. You can trust your life with these people, they are wonderful!!!!! One I see rarely because we don't live close by and the other I get to see once a week, sometimes twice. I have plenty of alone time and my times with my friend are special and we always look forward to it. I do have a few other friends I don't see too often, but it's nice when we do. As long as I have my best friends, I'm happy.

a reply to: DAVID64

It's hard for me to really consider someone a friend, but I've made the mistake of opening myself up to a few people that I have realized are only concerned with themselves.... That's sad that you have no friends, or maybe you don't feel it's sad and you are fine with it. If that's the case, good, but I would find it sad. I don't really have anyone that I can tell all my darkest "secrets " to. I kind of scatter them among a few, feeling that too much on one person can be a bit heavy ( I don't really have a lot of secrets, I just worry about others' ability to handle).

It sounds like you and your sister are close, no?

a reply to: chelsdh

One of my "acid tests" for friends is this : If they gossip to you, they will gossip about you. No, I don't find it sad, just a frustrating example that I'm right about people in general. I don't mean to imply I have horrible secrets, I just meant that if you have something you want to discuss, without everyone knowing, it'd be nice to have that one person you could confide in and not have to worry about it getting out.

originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: chelsdh

One of my "acid tests" for friends is this : If they gossip to you, they will gossip about you. No, I don't find it sad, just a frustrating example that I'm right about people in general. I don't mean to imply I have horrible secrets, I just meant that if you have something you want to discuss, without everyone knowing, it'd be nice to have that one person you could confide in and not have to worry about it getting out.

When I was school aged, I had a test thing I would do. I would make something sound like a secret and tell it to my closest friends asking them to keep it a secret, if it got out I would know who I could trust and I who I couldn't.

a reply to: DAVID64
That's profound advice, and something I will keep in mind from now on!

I have a family member, one that I got when I married my husband: I don't know what it is about her but she exudes a trustworthy feeling... But I know better because I have had her tell me SO many thing that people have confided in her. Its mostly a one way conversation, with me trying to change the subject, but to no avail. It's so bad that I avoid any close contact with her, because she wants to corner me a gossip to me about any and everything. It's quite sad, because she and I have children that coordinate in age and they have so much fun together. But the only time they get to play is at family get-togethers. What's so strange is that even knowing how untrustworthy she is, I have to make a conscience effort to not tell her personal things, it's like she has some magnetism in that regard!

a reply to: Night Star
Brilliant! I will have to teach this to my daughters! It may save them a lot of drama and hurt feelings!

a reply to: chelsdh

You sound like my girlfriend... so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if you are her with a secret account!

Put yourself in the right situations and the right people will come along. Sometimes the friends you've had for ages will have grown in a different direction.

Not many people care about others you know, it's unfortunate.

a reply to: chelsdh

What you seem to be describing has a label…

Narcissism

Defined

I was raised by Narcissistic parents. I struggle with it, too.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have only one real friend who I have had since third grade. I have my family and don't really have the time or inclination for friends. I don't like groups and hate joining things. I can be by myself and be extremely happy with my thoughts.

People? Who needs them?!?

If all of the people you are "friends" with meet this description, and you are the only constant.. Perhaps to correct the problem you need to change something about yourself?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you, just that if you keep choosing the same type of person who doesn't fulfill what you are looking for in a friend, perhaps the only problem that you CAN correct is with you choosing to be around these types of people?

Stop being a serial victim. You are the only one who can change it.

You sound a lot like my wife and I. We have many people that we are "friendly" with, but very few folks that we would call friends. The ones we are closest to are a select few relatives. We have a very hard time putting up with the drama of others so we avoid it like the plague.