I would like to share some general thoughts about my life, that perhaps some may resonate with to some degree. I have always liked being alone. It has
always seemed to me the most, let's say fundamental part of my life. Anything else, it's like...idk how to explain it, I do it, but then when I get
home by myself it's like, ahhhh, back to normal. I need time alone. It's how I feel centered. In high school I had a relatively active social life.
But even then, I needed alone time. Eventually I got where I didn't want to keep making up excuses for why I didn't want to do things sometimes. So it
was just, sorry, I don't want to do anything tonight. Has nothing to do with the person, it wouldn't really matter what it was that someone wanted me
to do. It's just, I feel I need to be alone...so I don't want to do anything. My friends didn't understand this.
After high school, I moved across the country with my parents. I really didn't know anyone for quite a long time. This really frustrated and depressed
me for a while, just a total inability to engage in social activities whatsoever. Though I still knew it was my alone time that was most important
anyways, so I just pursued a lot of things that personally interested me. Mostly a lot of reading and contemplating on spiritual and philosophic
matters. During this time I have really transformed as a person in some ways. Transform doesn't really entirely encapsulate it, though. Yes,
spirituality became a more fundamental aspect of who I am, as it really didn't factor in when I was younger until the very end of high school. But
more than that, it was getting truly comfortable in my own skin.
I used to overthink things to an extremely high degree. This contributed to anxiety that I felt around people and in social situations. I never felt
comfortable with myself really. I just wanted people to like me, and I would always go on and on in my head about 'stupid' things I had said or done.
And I just, tried to avoid doing stuff like that. I have always had very low self-esteem. Now, at this point in my life, I can say that I'm really
past that for the most part. I actually really don't care at all about what anyone thinks about what I say and do at this point. Even more than this,
though, I really truly feel that I like myself. Now, this may sound like nothing, but it feels very significant to me. Like, I really feel established
as a person. I know who I am, and I really truly like who I am. And because of that, I really don't care about what anyone else says or thinks about
Now, over the years since moving, some level of social opportunities have opened up. I meet friends who I hang out with and whatnot. But, in some ways
this has just really confirmed to me the importance of my alone time. I have a good enough time with people. I tend to get along fairly well with
almost anybody. But it's still just...this thing that I do, until it's over and I'm home. Having some social opportunity has just made it more clear
to me that it's not really that important to me for the most part. Or, that I don't care about having a social life just to have one. Who the people
are matters. Now, I had a relationship during most of the time since I moved. It lasted like 5 years. It's over now. And the thing is, I honestly
don't think that I ever really thought she was right for me, in the sense that I thought I would ever truly want to end up with her. That's not what I
said of course, and didn't even want to admit it to myself, but deep inside I always knew that. I just...loved being loved, and loved loving. I loved
having someone that I could really act loving towards, and would really act loving towards me. Someone who really appreciated me.
But yesterday, I had this thought, that really kind of shook up my perspective. It wasn't really much of a thought, nothing I didn't know, but just
vocalizing it shook me up a bit. I was thinking about my job, how I'd been there for about a year and a half. And I thought, jeez I was 21 back when I
started. And that just kind of hit me, like I'm looking back when I was 21, like that was kind of young. And idk it just kinda shook me up. So there's
a bit of a thought of, am I just wasting my life? How many years go by until I'm established externally? And yet, the fact that I feel so established
internally, liking and being confident in myself, seems really significant and important. And so I feel like, that's a good thing, a good sign. And so
just be happy with that, and the time will just come where I will meet the right people, or the right girl. And that will be amazing when the time
comes. But there's no point in trying to force the issue, because I really don't care about insignificant relationships with the wrong people anymore.
But what if I just waste my life away with that attitude? But what else is there to do? I just feel like at this point, I don't care unless you're
actually someone I'm truly compatible with in a significant way.
I don't really have an answer. But I just feel like, if the person is right, it'll be easy. I just feel like, now that I really like myself as a
person, then someone who is right will truly like me as a person. And thus I won't have to make some grand effort for things to happen. And so if I
have to make some grand effort, it's not worth it anyways, cuz they're not right. I feel that I am a unique person, and it is that uniqueness that I
like. And so anyone who I was compatible with, would see and appreciate that uniqueness. And so again, it would be easy. So, being comfortable with
yourself vs. making effort for a social life. Wasting your life away vs. continuing to work on yourself and letting externals sort themselves out, as
it is right and easy. Thoughts?
edit on 31-1-2015 by TheJourney because: (no reason given)