I Was Enthralled by Hatred

I was enthralled by hatred.

I hated man and all that he was known for. All the glory and love of man was painted black by what was in my heart and I relished this hatred as if it gave me power and separated me from that which I hated.

Arrogance is not a strong enough word to describe my demeanor. Rock was not as hard a fixture as my heart. Even my friends I hated and I told them, and although they were embittered by it, they understood because they could see it within me.

I have always been a profound speaker, and had a good sense of right and wrong. But practicing what was right was far from me.

In my teen years my bitterness led me to drinking, smoking, and lewd behavior. I was falling farther and farther into the depths of hatred of man, and of myself.

It's not that I did not believe in God, but I did not see him for my vision was blinded by the smoke of hell and the pleasure of its enticements. I had always felt the watchful eye of God, and being not in ignorance I ignored it and led others astray.

I was violently torn from myself in a fit of violence. My friend broke my nose and smokeless tobacco hit the back of my throat. My mind buzzed and I flew up into the air and saw my body lying in a mixture of being asphyxiated and having a seizure. Yet I had an overwhelming sense of peace and safety.

I came to and there was blood everywhere. My throat felt like fire as I vomited up the black tobacco with the blackness in my heart.

As I laid there in such a state, I was reconciled with myself and reconciled with my friend, who fled the scene, in my heart. I was reconciled with my neighbor and my God, my truest and greatest Friends

Love was now in me, and God's light destroyed the hard casing of my heart I had made.

Weeks later I was drawn to love more and more. As I picked up rosary beads and a book called the Poem of the Man~God. I felt myself on the journey to knowing God who is Love and Light, through His Son and the grace He has continuously given me.

I encourage all people to take my example and expel hatred from their heart. It is a long process and we must be patient, but the effects are noticeable as the peace in my heart from God continues to grow.

I also encourage others to share their testimony. There is much power in revealing the contents of our hearts.

a reply to: backcase

Hatred and bitterness is indeed enthralling and a bit seductive.

Giving it up for good was the most amazing period of my life and it has eventually led me to the peace I now have with reality. I know I'll be tested but I also know I will never fail.

No matter what path you took to get to where you are at now, here's to love, Brother.

Your OP illustrates that all of our choices have consequences, if we only would take the time to think about that.

Congratulations on your decision to toss hatred away. It truly is a destructive force. I'm so happy for you that you have chosen a different and more constructive path. one in which I wish you much love and happiness.

a reply to: backcase

Holy cow. I can picture the whole thing. Seems like I was there. Sorry I ran away.

a reply to: backcase

Some times all ya need is a punch in the face.

a reply to: ItCameFromOuterSpace

It was actually because he stole something from me, but that's pretty much unrelated.

a reply to: backcase

A beautiful testimony.

I am loving this so much, hearing everyone's testimonies. God is a God of miracles, and the fact that HIS Light and Love has changed us, the lost one's, is testimony of HIS power. We are walking miracles.

a reply to: backcase

Freaking Awesome!!! As a Christian and a wanna be writer, I love your post...absolutely love it!!!

I have never been a hater. But I was a lover of evil. I loved the blackness in others. It entertained me, it thrilled me, it gave me a sense of danger and adrenaline that can only be found by flirting with the darkest of beings in the blackest of night.

I knew of God. Took turns believing and disbelieving. And then again believing once more but only on the wrong side. I took pleasure in seeing the planchet move across the wooden game board made by Parker Bros. by itself when there was no one else around to try and trick me into believing something I can't see.

My friends took there place by my side as we filled our heads with words from books promising us powers to take what we wanted by way of trickery. The ability to spy on our foes and our objects of desire. The courage to leave our bodies behind and explore the world and see things from a whole new perspective before returning back to our bodies and having a nice long look before sitting up and sharing our experiences with each other.

One day things started to change. The novelty was beginning to wear off. I was awoken by my father one afternoon by him shaking me by the shoulders and wanting know what the hell was wrong with me and why did I light my poster on fire, but before he could get the words out he noticed that the poster was fine and had not been lit.
"I just fell asleep! What did I do?" I asked him. I peered at me with a look that I had never seen before and haven't seen since. He then straightened up and said "You were spaced out or something, are you on something? Do you need to tell me anything?" "No Dad, I'm fine. I was dozing, not on drugs. I don't do drugs I swear it."

That was a lie. I was addicted to darkness. It was beginning to get it's hooks in me.
My friends and I began to have very different experiences than those in the beginning. It felt like something or someone wanted something serious from us. A REAL commitment. And we weren't going to like the price of this commitment. The fun was ending and the business side of it was rearing it's head. Like when you visit a university that is scouting you for a sport scholarship. They wine you and dine you and lavish you with pleasures galore, but at the end they want you to sign the contract or the pleasantries end.

I was eventually entered. I don't remember what happened. I just remember waking up in the hospital. Doctors and psychologists tested me overnight and released me the next day. I was tested for diabetes and alcohol due to paramedics smelling acetone on my breath. Negative for both. I was evaluated for depression and mental illness that day and again later in time. Couple weeks if I recall. I was found to be perfectly healthy and of sound mind. One Dr. did however suggest to my parents that I was either faking a dramatic scene for the attention of my family or the attention of my friends. Either way I always felt then and now, that I was attacked in anger for pulling away when I was almost signed up.
The day after I was released, a police officer showed up at my house to check up on me. He brought with him two books. One was a KJV of the Holy Bible, the other was a novel called "This Present Darkness". It is a wonderful book with a great message. I recommend it to anyone. But I digress.
He explained that there is a war raging and asked me what side I wanted to be on when it ended. He then advised me that the winner was predetermined and that both sides already know it.
Obviously I ended my love affair with Evil at that moment. It did take me a few years to start a new one, however, and when I did my life was changed forever.

Here are the words that grabbed me and never let me go.

"All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose."

Let that sink in. God Bless you all. Thank you for this post backcase, I don't think my writing is as elegant as yours but I'm working on it. I don't think I would have ever had the courage to write these words had I not been so inspired by yours. Okay hopefully I don't get trolled too hard now!

a reply to: Kusinjo

You don't have to be eloquent with words, what you have to be - is you.

Don't worry about the trolls, you know best that darkness hates the light. Greater is HE who is in you, than HE who is in the world, there is nothing anyone can do to you - because HE has your back.

You are speaking not to everyone, but only those who are like you - those who are there in that place - and it is they who will understand you, no matter how you speak, because the ones you speak to speak the same language you do.

Let your testimony shine, you are a miracle of God. You are the man who was raised from the dead, I was the blind man who can now see.. we are walking, living, breathing miracles.

Remember that Jesus said:

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you, remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master' If they persecuted ME, they will persecute you also.

When the Holy Spirit comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, The Spirit of Truth, who goes out from the Father, HE will testify about ME, and you also must testify. "

This is for us, we are the disciples in our time, we are HIS disciples. So worry not about what people will say, but instead speak loudly your testimony for those who will understand, for those who speak your language - and need to hear those words.

There is great power in your testimony.

a reply to: backcase

I will share my testimony with ya
I was a foster kid had just a terrible child hood foster homes abbuse ect... but one day i get out of there and live my life
well a few years ago i fell into a depression and had so much hate for this world and anger about what had happened to me and what is going on in the world that it just overwhelmed me and all i wanted to do was to get revenge on those that had hurt me.
And i had plans and was acting on them to just destroy these mens lives i dropped all my friends ect ect...
But then a friend and i went to the river just the 2 of us and i got baptised and let jesus in my heart and buddy things have never been better.
I no longer have so much fear hate and anger not towards the world or the people who hurt me(lucky for them) and i no longer wake up taking pain pills and being a slave i wake up free .
I can say leting jesus in my heart changed my life for the better even water taste better now .Good post

Hatred and bitterness will eat you up from the inside out. You came to that realization, took responsibility for your actions, and turned your life around. Good for you. People come to that point by different paths, but the important thing is, they get there.

originally posted by: aboutface
Congratulations on your decision to toss hatred away. It truly is a destructive force.

All force can be utilized; how you do so is up to you. You could say the same about fire, that it is destructive. Sure, you could use fire to burn someone alive; or you could use it to warm your home on a cold winter night.
My hatred is a force, but it is not a destructive force. My hatred makes me a better person.

I'm happy for you and how your journey in life is progressing.

originally posted by: backcase
and a book called the Poem of the Man~God.

I've read those books. I even had the series for a while back in the 1990s. Be careful with them. They are just alleged private revelation and some of it contradicts scripture. (I got rid of my copies).

originally posted by: OpinionatedB
a reply to: backcase

A beautiful testimony.

I am loving this so much, hearing everyone's testimonies. God is a God of miracles, and the fact that HIS Light and Love has changed us, the lost one's, is testimony of HIS power. We are walking miracles.

indeed. she forgave him and didnt even have to kill her firstborn as a self-sacrifice.

that would just be brutal.

a reply to: FlyersFan

I have learned that a work of God bestows peace, and that is how you know that something is from God. These books have restored peace to my soul so many times that i can't help but believe it was inspired by the divine.

Also, I have not seen anything in them that contradicts scripture. And i do not understand how someone could have so much knowledge of Jesus, Israel, geography, etc. even if she had access to the internet.

a reply to: backcase

It's a separate subject so I don't want to rain on this one with Poem of the Man God stuff. I'll just say, once again, that I'm glad your journey is going well and that you are at peace. Awesome.

Thanks,and any time you want to talk about it,feel free
a reply to: FlyersFan

originally posted by: backcase
I was enthralled by hatred.

I hated man and all that he was known for. All the glory and love of man was painted black by what was in my heart and I relished this hatred as if it gave me power and separated me from that which I hated.

Arrogance is not a strong enough word to describe my demeanor. Rock was not as hard a fixture as my heart. Even my friends I hated and I told them, and although they were embittered by it, they understood because they could see it within me.

I have always been a profound speaker, and had a good sense of right and wrong. But practicing what was right was far from me.

In my teen years my bitterness led me to drinking, smoking, and lewd behavior. I was falling farther and farther into the depths of hatred of man, and of myself.

It's not that I did not believe in God, but I did not see him for my vision was blinded by the smoke of hell and the pleasure of its enticements. I had always felt the watchful eye of God, and being not in ignorance I ignored it and led others astray.

I was violently torn from myself in a fit of violence. My friend broke my nose and smokeless tobacco hit the back of my throat. My mind buzzed and I flew up into the air and saw my body lying in a mixture of being asphyxiated and having a seizure. Yet I had an overwhelming sense of peace and safety.

I came to and there was blood everywhere. My throat felt like fire as I vomited up the black tobacco with the blackness in my heart.

As I laid there in such a state, I was reconciled with myself and reconciled with my friend, who fled the scene, in my heart. I was reconciled with my neighbor and my God, my truest and greatest Friends

Love was now in me, and God's light destroyed the hard casing of my heart I had made.

Weeks later I was drawn to love more and more. As I picked up rosary beads and a book called the Poem of the Man~God. I felt myself on the journey to knowing God who is Love and Light, through His Son and the grace He has continuously given me.

I encourage all people to take my example and expel hatred from their heart. It is a long process and we must be patient, but the effects are noticeable as the peace in my heart from God continues to grow.

I also encourage others to share their testimony. There is much power in revealing the contents of our hearts.

I just watched last night the documentaries of the actual footage of the Nazi concentration camps and they made me cry. Yes, WarminIndy does have a soft side.

I know that hatred comes in many forms, but to watch an event that happened long before I was born and to make me cry, we know that at those moments the Holy Spirit groans in us, making supplications that we cannot do ourselves. Sometimes I think people assume that I am hardhearted because I speak bluntly, but my bluntness is usually an address to something not right.

But with my personality, I am not the soft speaker as OpinionatedB is, she is more graceful than I am, but that is fine. Even with you, we have differences in personalities which make us sometimes say things to each other that others might perceive as not loving.

I will say this, I don't hate people, I hate the evil that people do. I know that they are caught up in things that control them. I have never hated people and I never blame God for the evil that people do. Behind all the posts I make on here, WarminIndy really is soft-hearted.

I grew up with a very hard-hearted cruel father and a mother that was so neglectful that she never interacted with me since I was seven years old, but God forbid that I should treat people the way my parents did us. I grew up as an unwanted and inconvenient child, none of us in our family was wanted. But I learned that I could never blame God because of it, they did it out of their own hearts.

But what people sometimes fail to see, it isn't hate to tell someone they are wrong about a thing, it is hate when you don't say anything to help the defenseless, in favor of the perpetrator. That's how I think and am pretty blunt about it.

I've been on the receiving end of hate my entire life, does that give me a right to hate? No, and when I tell someone something, it isn't out of hate, but wanting them to think about what they are saying or doing.

a reply to: WarminIndy

Often I feel that way too. But it is important to remember the saying, "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord".

It is better to love someone sense fight the evil in their heart by love than to fight and make one feel ashamed. A snail will not come out of its shell if it feels it's under attack.

originally posted by: backcase
a reply to: WarminIndy

Often I feel that way too. But it is important to remember the saying, "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord".

It is better to love someone sense fight the evil in their heart by love than to fight and make one feel ashamed. A snail will not come out of its shell if it feels it's under attack.

And it shouldn't make your child feel ashamed when you say "honey, don't stick that fork in the outlet, it will kill you".

God is our Father and He chastises those He loves, I am thankful to discover a Father that does love me, because my earthly father never did and it was hard to relate to people who have good fathers.

Just the other night a girl in my building was brought home by her dad and as he was leaving he said "Good-bye sweetie, I love you". That was a very nice scene to me. Maybe she took it for granted because he always says that to her. I've never experienced that, but my Heavenly Father loves me and it is He who has to take the fork out of my hand so I don't stick it into the outlet. But if I did stick it in there, He wouldn't be laughing about it, He would probably grieve over it.

That is the thing, God does grieve. God is long suffering but won't be forever, there does come a time when He will stop striving with mankind.