posted on Jan, 26 2015 @ 12:51 AM
"Oh no, I immediatley regret this decision," you thought to yourself, as you clicked the title of this very thread.
Its just another introduction post from some new member. They can't possibly have anything useful to contribute. But it's too late now, you've
already begun reading. "Maybe I'll just see what this new guy is all about," you mutter to yourself.
So there you lay, comfortably in bed, with your cell phone in your face scanning the words of a stranger for something interesting. Maybe this new guy
is a government spy, sent here to befriend us and penetrate the inner circle of ATS with his fancy words and his elegant prose. Nah, those bastards
don't have it in them. I can sniff out a conspiracy in a marriage counseling session, there's no way the dang govment could pull one past us.
Or, maybe this guy is from the future, and he wants to share some secrets with us. But wait, why would he share his futuristic secrets on some forum
anonymously, why wouldn't he want to make a grand announcement? Hmmm, well maybe he doesn't want his future self to get into trouble, maybe there
are rules about such things as responsible time machine utilization. Maybe he is the janitor at the time machine research company and he can't get
caught so he wants to be super stealthy about it.
Either way, I've read far too many words of this introduction than I originally intended, and I'm really getting upset that this new guy rambles on
and on so much without revealing anything controversial. How can I judge him? And my elbows are starting to ache from holding the smart phone up to
my face for so long. Oh well, at least I didn't get caught reading this thread on the toilet, or my legs would be seriously numb right now.
You shake your head slowly, this thread must end. It cannot go on forever like this. It just can't. But what if it does go on forever, because
this thread isn't a thread on ATS, but a recursive window into my own endless thoughts. There is no new guy, I am the new guy! If that's the
case, I am in control, so maybe I can end it.
You grunt as you strain to resist the flow of thoughts. But yet the words keep appearing. Alas, It is not within your control! Your eyes widen with
shock at the realization that there truly is a new guy at ATS, and he totally did just abuse your eye balls with his introduction by
conning you into reading all this meaningless garbage.
But just wait one more second. Why do I keep saying new guy? Has this person revealed anything to indicate their gender? ZOMG maybe it's a
girl!!! Oh man, I hope it's a chick. Boobies! *smack* You slap yourself in the face, "stop getting distracted," you say to yourself.
Your eyes narrow as you focus harder. Determination is your strong suit. And so is your intuition because you know that the end is near. Also because
your peripheral vision is above average.
And there it is. You can hardly believe it. Your fists clench with rage. With a shout, you throw your phone across the room, smashing it to pieces.
You've wasted too much time getting to the end, only to discover that the only pertinent information about the mysterious new member was written in
What a jerk