a reply to: Lovely1973
I'm so sorry that you are facing this. It's not a fun spot to be in, at all, and it almost seems nothing will ever get better or "normal" again.
You're at a fork in the road, and it's time to pick one direction and move on. It's time to put *you* and your children first, and start making
some positive decisions for your future. Based on what you have written in your op about your husband, it doesn't seem your happiness is his
priority. He has basically kept you hanging, and stuck in a holding pattern to see where all of it is going. Round and round we go.... where we stop,
nobody knows, is the most uncomfortable and unstable way to live each day.
He is using you as his safety net. His place to fall on, should things "out there" not work out for *him*. It doesn't seem if he cares about what
you, as a woman want for yourself and your life, and has little appreciation for his children.
He's treating you like you and the children are an option. You are not an option.
If you are truly ready to take back your life, and I think you are... because you posted here, then start taking some steps in a positive direction.
It will feel odd and uncomfortable at first, and you might even feel scared. But it's better than being an option, waiting in a holding pattern to
see what someone else is going to do. This could go on for years.
For starters, implement a complete separation of physical space and set up some boundaries. This means, it's time for him to pack all of his things
and remove them from your space. He can take all of these items to *his* space. This also means, he can't sleep, eat and use the space anymore. He
can sleep, eat at his home. You are no longer his landing spot, his safety net and his option. You are a human being with a right to be loved as you
want to be loved, and he's merely taking advantage of your good will and kindness.
At this stage of separation and removal of items, he may beg and plead with you to not do this. He may even says he loves you and play upon your
emotions. He knows you are a loving person, who cares. He needs to understand boundaries. Tell him you are done with the back and forth, and that you
are ready to move on. He may not think that the children know what is taking place, with his slipping in and out of the house and showing up at school
time, but believe me, children are very intelligent and intuitive, so if they don't know now, they will soon enough. His behaviors are more damaging
to the children, as they are. Time for him to leave.
Next step, set up visitation with the children. I don't believe a father should ever be kept from his children, unless he is abusive with them. I
don't believe children should ever be used as pawns when a relationship has been lost. Tell him you want to set up a reasonable schedule for him to
visit with his kids. Taking them to school in the morning, picking up after is great, if that is what he chooses. Then schedule other times that he
can take them. Listen to him and understand he's going to worry that you'll keep his children from him. Reassure him that you will not do so, and
that he may take the kids, at reasonable times.
Next step, hire an atty and start your divorce proceedings. Expect that he may fight this every step of the way. Losing one's landing spot, or safety
net might becoming frightening... and he may say anything to stop you. But if you are ready to move on, then proceed.
If he promises he will change and to give him another chance, then, that is strictly up to you OP. If you believe he is capable of change, then step
back from the divorce, but continue a separation with boundaries and visitations with the kids to see what happens. I would NOT allow him to sleep and
eat at the house. Period. He is a grown man, not a child.
Good luck to you.