So it was 8pm on a Friday night. I sprained my ankle trying to manipulate physics, however we always know…science always wins. Needless to say, it
would be near impossible to traverse the streets of Wales tonight. ‘Going out’ was simply out of the question. It’s alright. I need to save some money
anyway. I’m still not used to holding UK money so I try to get it out of my hands as soon as possible. Kebabs and chips is where it’s at.
Friday night, and absolutely nothing to do. So I resorted to the only thing that could entertain literally anyone at any given time
Old-school SNES Emulators
. You ask why. I ask why not?
For those of you that don’t know what an emulator is, let me manage to give you a quick breakdown. Old school games (Atari, Nintendo, Sega) can be
played on your fun little PC by downloading an emulator (the equivalent of the console) and with your newly acquired emulator, you can play what are
called ROMS (the equivalent of the plastic cart games). Oh, and its free!
I didn’t want to play the old school classics like Mario. Not at all. I was trying to find the real grimy games. The games in which you wonder if the
creators were just in some back office doing lines of coc aine and they just so happened to throw a few pixels together and call it a game. You
know, the ones that time forgot about.
Going through the list. Let’s see…American Gladiators
, nah too commercial. On a side note: What ever happened to those guys? When is E!
going to run a special on them? They deserve it. Math Blaster
, way too educational, I’ll probably humiliate myself anyway.
. Yes. I can already tell this is my Zen. Combatribes. It’s too cool to spell out ‘Combat’. And too lazy to separate the words. My
type of game.
I threw it on, waited a while. Took time to look at my abnormally inflated ankle. Look back up and I’m greeted to this:
‘The Combatribes have come to New York City, The center of all evil in the United States’
Wow. That’s a pretty strong statement coming from a few Japanese game designers. Maybe they knew something that we didn’t. Or maybe they were just
lost in translation. Whatever the case may be, I knew that this game was worth playing.
Story? Plot? Nonsense. Who needs one? Nintendo doesn’t. Neither does Combatribes. They just want to bash some heads. Who can blame them?
That is essentially what life is is all about. Finding the action. What is more me meaningful? And these guys know what’s up. Look at the torn
sleeveless multi-color vest. Check out their stylish 90’s haircuts. These were bad dudes, they just emanating heterosexuality.
It’s time to find some action
Out of all these bad dudes I had to pick the Carl Weathers look alike. I knew he could find some answers without taking any crap. Bullova is the name,
and his yellow tech-vest with matching yellow jeans just shows the world how hardcore he really is. But first to really understand Bullova, we must
know where he comes from.
Bullova was the child of a failed marriage between Bullova Sr. and his biological mother Susan. At the tender age of nine marital arguments took a
hold on his parent’s relationship when they filed for divorce. Apparently Bullova Sr. was caught cheating with a good family friend known as ‘Uncle
Howie’ (although there is no blood relationship). After Susan discovered that Bullova Sr. cheated on her with another man, she felt inadequate as a
woman and quickly abandoned her family and fled to Budapest where she still resides. No one has heard from her since.
Needless to say this ordeal was stressful for Bullova Jr. His ‘Uncle Howie’ changed his name to ‘Bullova Sr’ (pictured on the left). His original
father (pictured on the right) was ecstatic to have someone that really cared for him. Now, being a child of a struggling gay couple living in Queens,
NY his life took a turn for the worst. Kids at school begin to pick on him. Bullova would come home everyday after school with black eyes and bruises.
He didn’t know how to defend himself from the horrific bullies. Until one day, his two fathers trained him in the art of street fighting. They
dedicated three hours each day teaching him basic moves and the philosophy of street fighting. Bullova couldn’t get enough. He would awaken in the
middle of the night only to practice grasps, punches, and evasive maneuvers. Pretty soon, the bullies that picked on him in school shuddered in terror
as he walked down the halls. He was well known as an accomplished fighter throughout the community.
After his high-school graduation, Bullova Sr. gave his son the only thing he could afford. His coveted ‘Yellow long sleeve shirt’(see picture above).
This later inspired Bullova to create his yellow-tech vest. Everything was going great, until Bullova caught wind of some bad news. ‘Bullova
Sr*’(formerly Uncle Howie) died in a horrible freak car accident. This started Bullova’s downward spiral.
Bullova began abusing drugs and alcohol. His job at the local factory fired him for his repeated absences. Bullova could not handle the fact that he
lost one of his fathers. He began wandering the streets of New York, homeless and jobless. To make money, he would mug people. For housing, he would
sleep in the nearest back alley. Things were looking pitiful for Bullova. Until one day, the Combatribes found him passed out in a public restroom.
Bullova’s speech was slured and his yellow outfit smelled of day old vodka. But the Combatribes still managed to pick him up and help him out of the
bathroom. They let him sleep on the couch of their Manhattan loft. When he woke up the next day, they told him the plan, and he began to train.
It was time to find out who was behind the World Trade Center Disaster of September 11th.
Bullova embarked on his journey later that night. As he roamed the streets of New York trying to find clues, he encountered an obese man with a
mullet. Apparently, a ‘slab of lumber’ was his weapon of choice. His lumber fighting skills were masterful, gangs all over the world wanted him.
Bullova knew he had answers.
FATS:THESE GUYS ARE WIMPS. I’LL BLAST THEM WITH MY SLAB OF LUMBER. CHECK IT OUT!!!
After a long and enduring battle outside the ‘Steak and Shake’, Fats was eventually defeated. All Bullova wanted to do was grab a coffee, but he knew
that he had to interview this guy. Time to find some answers!
BULLOVA: HEY, FAT HEAD, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT GROUND ZERO?
FATS: NOTHING. I’M JUST A SLAVE.
BULLOVA: WELL THEN, WHO DOES KNOW SOMETHING YOU SLOB?
FATS: THE DEMON CLOWNS KNOW. THEY CONTROL CONEY ISLAND.
Ground Zero? Let me remind you when this game came out. 1992. How could ‘Fats’ or Japanese game designers possibly know this? Something was up, and
Bullova was on the right track. It was time to go to Coney Island and talk to these Demon Clowns. Maybe they will have the answers.
Before going onto the next level, the game gave me a password. 0917. This is going to be important later on.
Bullova arrived at Coney Island. He’s a diabetic so he needs to keep his blood sugar levels up. He went to the cotton candy stand to grab some sweets,
however he was tricked. It was the Demon Clowns!
It was time to bust some rubber noses and ruin some makeup. This was a walk in the park for Bullova. When he was living back with his parents, he
elevated his Clown fighting skills just in case he gets thrown in a situation like this. Soon, he met the Demon Clowns boss, a Middle-Eastern
by the name of Salamander. A few jump kicks and punches later, Salamander was easily defeated. This is what he had to say.
BULLOVA: HEY, BILLARD-HEAD… WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT GROUND ZERO?
SALAMANDER: NOT MUCH. I’M JUST A SLAVE. I DO KNOW THAT BOSS IS A WOMEN.
SALAMANDER: IF YOU WANT MORE DETAILS, GO TO THE LEXINGTON KING DISCO ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE.
Note: Before I advanced to the next stage, I was presented with this code.
You probably can already piece the two together, but incase you’ve come home from a long night of drinking; I’ll do the logic for you.
If you take the first two numbers from each of the password sets you get 09/11, or September 11th. Interesting to say the least.
Bullova knew he was getting close. His glucose levels were low so he stopped by the local McDonalds to get some apple pies. They were out of apple
pies so he was forced to walk across the street to Burger King. After a nice meal, he headed to the ‘Lexington King Disco’. He had just enough for the
cover charge. This placed with filled with a bunch of young punks just trying to find the next ‘high’. He saw himself in their drug worn faces. He had
to get out of there quick. As he headed towards the door, he met up with ‘Trash’
TRASH: I’M AFRAID YOU WILL NOT LEARN ANYTHING FROM ME. I WILL DESTORY YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
Well that’s a little discouraging. This guy doesn’t have the info Bullova needs and
he wants to destroy him. But maybe he meant that he
the answers, but Bullova won’t be able to know them because Trash will destroy him ‘right here and now’. In any case, Bullova prescribed to
the logic of ‘fight first and ask questions later’. And so that is what he did.
BULLOVA: SO, YOU PIECE OF “TRASH”. YOU ARE NOT AS STRONG AS YOU THINK. NOW TELL ME ABOUT GROUND ZERO!
TRASH: NOT ON YOUR LIFE! EVEN IF I KNEW, I WOULDN’T TELL YOU.
TRASH: GO SEE THE BARBARIANS AT THE STADIUM IN HARLEM. DEFEAT THEM AND THEY’LL TALK. HA HA.
BULLOVA: THIS RUN-AROUND REALLY STINKS!!
Bullova knew something smelled fishy. Apparently it was the run around. Bullova was getting tired of fighting, but he knew that he has a mission he
must complete. After a short taxi-cab ride, he found himself in the middle of the stadium. There he met up with a villain named Wind Walker.
WIND WALKER: I AM THE FAMOUS WIND-WALKER. IF YOU DEFEAT ME I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
This was the man Bullova needed. The only problem was defeating him and his two thugs. But Bullova was well trained by his two gay fathers. He knew
that if he focused, he could eliminate these foes. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and began to go to work. When he opened them, he saw three
severely injured bodies on the floor. He used the double-blind open palm technique
taught to him by Bullova Sr.* (formerly Uncle Howie) just
before he got in his terrible accident. Wind Walker was shocked at his defeat; he knew he had to spill the beans.
BULLOVA: NOW! TELL ME ABOUT THE BOSS OF GROUND ZERO!
BULLOVA: WHO IS THIS WOMEN?
WIND WALKER: …HER NAME IS MARTHA. MARTHA SPLATTERHEAD. THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HER.
BULLOVA: OHH. AS EXPECTED. WHERE IS SHE?
WIND WALKER: HER GROUND ZERO HEADQUARTERS IS LOCATED AT 1991 G.Z. AVE.
Ground Zero headquarters located entirely within New York? Bullova discovered that 9/11 was an inside job. Domestic terrorism. We were being lied to
by our government as well as the mass media. However, Bullova was on a crusade for justice. He was going to get to the bottom of this. Within a couple
of hours, he arrived at the headquarters only to find US military resistance
These guys had guns
. He knew that this was not going to be an ordinary battle. They begin to fire. Bullova was a goner. But wait! The bullets
bounced off his yellow-tech vest and his matching yellow pants. His clothes were bullet proof! Divine intervention was at work here, and his father
was the one to thank. The battle to get to Martha was a breeze. After taking the elevator up to the roof of the headquarters, Bullova met his nemesis,
Martha. She held the truth.
She knew it was her time to go. She was not only denying ignorance, but denying her possible destruction as well. Bullova usually doesn’t hit girls,
but in the case of mass-murdering terrorist responsible for the destruction of the World Trade Center, he’ll make an exception. It was a bad hair day
for Martha (see above picture) so Bullova knew he had the upper hand. After an epic battle between good and evil, Martha laid on the rooftop of her
skyscraper completely paralyzed. Bullova brought this criminal to justice and avenged his beloved country. As he began to walk away, he noticed small
murmurs coming from Martha.
I CAN NOT CONTROL MYSELF.
IT IS ONLY YOU THAT CAN STOP MY DESTRUCTIVE CYBORG ACTS.
Cyborgs! Bullova knew it all along. But who is truly to blame? She couldn’t control herself. Was it Government scientist? Bill Gates? The Govenator of
It was too much for Bullova to handle. He left the corpse of Martha lying on the rooftop, went home, took a nice bath and went to bed.
Note: I look back on this story and I still can’t believe I did all this research on this video game. I’m probably one of the ten idiots to actually
complete this game. This is my only original conspiracy theory
. Exclusive to AboveTopSecret.com.
I hope you enjoyed it!