I Lost My Friend And All I Have To Offer Is These Stupid Words...

a reply to: Hefficide

Aww John you are the hero, and bearing that burden is expensive emotionally. Letting others down, or feeling like you have would be the bane of your existence. I know you know this, but we cannot be all things to all people. The best we can hope for is to reach out with words that comfort and strengthen. You took some much needed time for yourself. If you are empty, how can you help anyone? The men who died knew you, and loved you, they are beyond pain right now and the last thing they would want you to do is burden yourself with guilt. Burn a candle, have a good cry and release it. Know that you will probably cry again, and again, normal.

Edited to add, we learn and we grow, and we do not do that without pain unfortunately. You are not alone.

a reply to: Skid Mark

I do appreciate the concern and am grateful for it. But there's no cause for worry. I've had two really, really good shrinks in my adult life and they both basically said that, while they enjoyed talking to me, I tended to do their work myself. The term "fully self actualized" is how they phrase it.

Writing this, here? Same thing as therapy really. And you wonderful folks, graciously being sounding boards and moral support are far more valuable than some doctor taking notes anyway. I've already got meds - so this works.

a reply to: Hefficide

Okay, that's good. I'm glad you'll be alright. Since writing is a form of therapy, do you think that writing a journal would help?

a reply to: Skid Mark

I do keep a journal and have done so for many years. I would like to say that finding it would shock people and open up aspects of my personality that they never knew existed, but the sad truth is that I don't really have a self-censor circuit built into my brain and it pretty much says the same things that I would write here or on Facebook. LOL

a reply to: Hefficide and Skidmark



Is this it? Bet you guys don't ask for directions either, :-P

a reply to: Hefficide

Cool. I'm the same way. What ever is on my mind comes out. There's no stopping it. I think that's one reason people call me a weirdo. Anyway, like I said before, keep on keeping on. The pain doesn't fully go away but it does get where you can live with it in time.

a reply to: Iamschist

That is the one and thank you! Anybody tell you lately that you are awesome?

a reply to: Iamschist

I was actually listening to that not even an hour ago. Talk about a brain fart.

a reply to: Hefficide

I have lived a really long time, awesome is the default setting. ;-P

a reply to: Hefficide
I, too am sorry for your loss, Heff. Losing someone we care about this much is hard, and one only find's a very few people in this life that we are truly deep friends with.
Take comfort (when you are able to) that there are others that you may meet on your lifepath, that will also have this bond with you. There are not many; but they do exist. Search for them.

You said that you feel guilty that this home was a blessing for you, and a place of death for the others. I think there is a better way to look at this, Heff.
There is a very good chance that your friend would have died whether or not he went to the home for help. Probably the help that he received there helped him to not only live longer, enjoy the friendship that the three of you had together, but also to have a better life for the time that he was there. This is probably true for Robert, too.
If your friend had cancer, as well as other health problems, and was not going to live no matter what; then the fact that he died peacefully in his sleep, and at the home of a dear friend, was probably the best ending that he could have had to his life in the condition that he was in.
It seems to me that even though there were sad endings to some of your friends lives, those endings would still have happened had they not gone to the home for help, and their life up until that time would have been much worse; so the home was actually a blessing for them also.

Adding my prayers for your healling , and comfort for your sorrow.
Yvonne

a reply to: Hefficide

I think Your words are far from Stupid. They are HeatFelt, Sincere and Strong. May Your good memories of This Man stay with You forever. I can offer a Cyber Hug to You ((((John)))). By sharing this story with Us, You have given Us hope to realize that there are REAL relationships out there that are well worth the time invested in them. Thank You for sharing This with Us!!! Syx.

To update this. I've spoken to the staff ( case manager and the nurses who deal with medication - but who also act as moral support for the residents ) and expressed my concern for the third person, who I can now say is named Eddie.

I'm in the process of making plans to hang out with Eddie for a few days, maybe even a week. I do not yet know if I'll return to Columbus ( where the group home is ) or invite Eddie to come here. Whichever happens, it'll have to wait for the first of the month, so that I'll have $$$ to pay for transportation and incidentals.

When I spoke to Eddie he said that the home had allowed he and Chris to share a room, alone - as they were both taking classes as the local community college - and that Eddie hadn't touched a single item of Chris's yet. That Chris's part of the room sits exactly as he left it. This makes me think Eddie needs closure. What better closure than to bring the "band", as it were, back together to honor and remember the lost member?

He needs a reminder, as maybe do I, that though a brother was lost, we're still not alone and two brothers still stand.

I hope you have a safe trip there and back and that you enjoy your visit. I'm sure that it will help the both of you.

a reply to: Hefficide

Jeez Heff...I dunno what to say.

I won't offer any false condolences because I've received my fair share of those-all I can do is spare a thought for the departed and yourself.

Losing a loved one sucks; everybody that has ever lived knows the feeling. My parents died before I hit puberty and on boxing day I had a lengthy chat with my aunt for the first time in twenty years, and as I was about to mention my fathers antics-there was silence. Those two seconds seemed like an eternity as a son and a sister spared a thought for the lost.

But then I think of the better times-like the time my father let me ride my motorbike around the block, or when he tried to play duck hunt on the NES and failed miserably.

Your friend will always be with you, and even though he is gone he will still make you giggle or smile-and a smile is always better than a frown.

a reply to: Hefficide

None of those words were stupid, and my condolences for the losses you have experienced.
It sounds like you are the rock in an unstable world right now.

Go help your buddy Eddie,
and of course you know we all support you!

I wish there was more I could say, but it would just sound stupid right now.

Condolences & my sympathy for your loss.
Please have a safe trip.

Oh Heff. You brought tears to my eyes. big time. that is the same song my stepson played at my husbands funeral. He was only 46.
Only the good die young.
My sympathies are so with you. I have no words of wisdom, just want to say my heart goes out to you.

Namaste.

Kris